I decided to take on the challenge of reorganizing my closet this afternoon. It was time. Most of the clothes I've been wearing for years are too big. People have been telling me that for months, but I just couldn't believe them. As I've said before, I look in the mirror and I don't see a difference. Yes, the irrational side of my brain has been poking at the rational side again.
As I was moving stuff around in the closet, I started to panic. My new clothes don't look anything like my old clothes. The "new" side has sleeveless shirts and skirts. Seriously. Am I really going to wear those skirts? They aren't even new. They are clothes I haven't worn in 6 or 7 years, but now they fit again. I tried a couple on. I can't tell if they look good. All I could think about was showing my legs. To be fair, I did wear a skirt to work on Friday and no one made fun of me or pointed and stared. Still, my brain isn't sure.
I didn't quite finish my organizing because the anxiety was too much. I'm not sure I can face the "new" clothes again today.
I want to be clear, though. I'm not complaining. I'm thrilled to be losing weight. But it is mentally challenging. Part of me feels like I'm becoming a different person. I like that person better, but change isn't easy.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Rewards are so much fun
I played tennis this morning for only the second time in 11 years. I used to play several times a week before I moved to Wilmington and I played on my high school team for a year. I'd been thinking about starting to play again for about a year, but I just couldn't get motivated to do it. Finally, after losing 50 pounds, I knew it was time. But I was still nervous and anxious. What if I passed out after 5 minutes?
Well, of course, I didn't. I made it 90 minutes. I did have an excellent partner who was really patient when I missed a shot. (I was just as patient, though, when he hit me while trying to serve. No harm done.) But I actually think I did OK. I wasn't great, but I didn't embarrass myself and that was important to me.
Hitting the ball was great. I love tennis because it requires focus. I can't (and don't) think about anything else except returning the ball. My mind felt so clear. There were no thoughts running through my brain, no strategizing, no what ifs.
Afterward, I felt amazing. I was so sweaty. My face was red. My heart was pounding. But the endorphins were definitely hard at work. I was almost giddy. I love tennis and playing again is a huge reward ... physically and mentally. And, oddly enough, the only thing that hurts is my thumb. Apparently, I need to redo the grip on my racket.
I can't wait to play again! If anyone's interested, let me know.
Well, of course, I didn't. I made it 90 minutes. I did have an excellent partner who was really patient when I missed a shot. (I was just as patient, though, when he hit me while trying to serve. No harm done.) But I actually think I did OK. I wasn't great, but I didn't embarrass myself and that was important to me.
Hitting the ball was great. I love tennis because it requires focus. I can't (and don't) think about anything else except returning the ball. My mind felt so clear. There were no thoughts running through my brain, no strategizing, no what ifs.
Afterward, I felt amazing. I was so sweaty. My face was red. My heart was pounding. But the endorphins were definitely hard at work. I was almost giddy. I love tennis and playing again is a huge reward ... physically and mentally. And, oddly enough, the only thing that hurts is my thumb. Apparently, I need to redo the grip on my racket.
I can't wait to play again! If anyone's interested, let me know.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Time to celebrate
By now you probably know that I won the latest round of the Biggest Loser challenge at work. So it's time to reward myself. I've decided to pick five rewards, one for every 10 pounds lost since January. Plus, that let's me treat myself while also throwing in a few challenges.
Here's the list:
1. New clothes. It would just be wrong to lose more than 50 pounds and not buy new clothes. I shop a lot anyway, but between the past two weekends, I've spent my winnings and then some. So I think that counts as a real shopping spree. I really don't want to buy anymore clothes, though, because I'm still losing weight. I can't afford a new wardrobe every six months.
2. Nice bottle of wine. This is important to me because I do love wine, but I usually buy fairly inexpensive kinds. Since I've already spent my winnings, I can't exactly go crazy. But I think a deserve to spend at least $25. Whether it gets shared with my friend at work (you know who you are) remains to be seen.
3. Tennis. I've loved playing tennis since I was in high school, but I've played just once in the past 11 years. That's unacceptable. So I'm going to pick it up again. If anyone wants to play, please let me know. I've already committed to taking on my boss.
4. The Loop. I want to walk to walk The Loop at Wrightsville Beach. For those who don't know, it's a more than 2-mile trail around the town hall and through part of the town. This is a challenge because I really haven't been exercising much and taking on more physical activity for the second half of the year is extremely important to me. My goal is to do it by the end of August.
5. Be happy. This might seem weird, but I'm giving myself permission to be happy. An intern at work inspired me to add this reward. And I've already been working on this for the past six weeks or so. Happiness comes in many forms, but for me it mostly means not getting bothered by the little things. Instead, I want to see the good in every day. And I want to end every day with a sense of peace. Achieving this will be a struggle, especially since I don't have any real strategies in mind. But I think I've demonstrated that I can do anything I put my mind to.
Here's the list:
1. New clothes. It would just be wrong to lose more than 50 pounds and not buy new clothes. I shop a lot anyway, but between the past two weekends, I've spent my winnings and then some. So I think that counts as a real shopping spree. I really don't want to buy anymore clothes, though, because I'm still losing weight. I can't afford a new wardrobe every six months.
2. Nice bottle of wine. This is important to me because I do love wine, but I usually buy fairly inexpensive kinds. Since I've already spent my winnings, I can't exactly go crazy. But I think a deserve to spend at least $25. Whether it gets shared with my friend at work (you know who you are) remains to be seen.
3. Tennis. I've loved playing tennis since I was in high school, but I've played just once in the past 11 years. That's unacceptable. So I'm going to pick it up again. If anyone wants to play, please let me know. I've already committed to taking on my boss.
4. The Loop. I want to walk to walk The Loop at Wrightsville Beach. For those who don't know, it's a more than 2-mile trail around the town hall and through part of the town. This is a challenge because I really haven't been exercising much and taking on more physical activity for the second half of the year is extremely important to me. My goal is to do it by the end of August.
5. Be happy. This might seem weird, but I'm giving myself permission to be happy. An intern at work inspired me to add this reward. And I've already been working on this for the past six weeks or so. Happiness comes in many forms, but for me it mostly means not getting bothered by the little things. Instead, I want to see the good in every day. And I want to end every day with a sense of peace. Achieving this will be a struggle, especially since I don't have any real strategies in mind. But I think I've demonstrated that I can do anything I put my mind to.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
The final weigh-in ... sort of
We had the final weigh-in today for our Biggest Loser challenge at work, and it went well. Another 2 pounds lost, bringing me to a grand total of 51.6 pounds since January.
This challenge, however, began in April. I don't know exactly how many pounds I lost this time around (it was the second round since the beginning of the year), but it amounted to about 9 percent of my total body weight. Apparently, that was enough to give me a victory. There were about a dozen people participating this time. I can't believe I won!
Now I'm really going to have to come up with a spectacular reward. In fact, I've decided to pick five rewards -- one for each 10 pounds lost. I'm still thinking about my choices, but I plan to share the list by the end of the weekend. I'm still taking ideas, so feel free to make suggestions.
Of course, for me, the challenge hasn't ended. I've been reluctant to set a new goal, but I'm going to do that by the end of the weekend as well. It's good to have goals, but I also know that I must set incremental goals. One big goal is too overwhelming.
So my weigh-ins will continue every Friday and so too will this blog about my weight-loss journey.
This challenge, however, began in April. I don't know exactly how many pounds I lost this time around (it was the second round since the beginning of the year), but it amounted to about 9 percent of my total body weight. Apparently, that was enough to give me a victory. There were about a dozen people participating this time. I can't believe I won!
Now I'm really going to have to come up with a spectacular reward. In fact, I've decided to pick five rewards -- one for each 10 pounds lost. I'm still thinking about my choices, but I plan to share the list by the end of the weekend. I'm still taking ideas, so feel free to make suggestions.
Of course, for me, the challenge hasn't ended. I've been reluctant to set a new goal, but I'm going to do that by the end of the weekend as well. It's good to have goals, but I also know that I must set incremental goals. One big goal is too overwhelming.
So my weigh-ins will continue every Friday and so too will this blog about my weight-loss journey.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
How should I celebrate?
According to my scale at home, I've finally hit the 50 pounds lost mark. I won't consider it official until the final weigh-in at work on Thursday, but I'm confident the number will stand or be even better by then. So I'm already thinking about how I should celebrate.
I've been setting small goals since January, but it's always hard for me to come up with a way to reward myself. Yes, of course, just losing the weight is a huge reward. I've bought a few new clothes and treated myself to a haircut. But the truth is that I would have done those things even if I wasn't losing weight. And I'm not one for spending money on manicures/pedicures because I can do that myself at home. Plus, I really want to think of something out of the ordinary.
So I'm taking suggestions.
I've been setting small goals since January, but it's always hard for me to come up with a way to reward myself. Yes, of course, just losing the weight is a huge reward. I've bought a few new clothes and treated myself to a haircut. But the truth is that I would have done those things even if I wasn't losing weight. And I'm not one for spending money on manicures/pedicures because I can do that myself at home. Plus, I really want to think of something out of the ordinary.
So I'm taking suggestions.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Mood swings
The day started off on a high note. Although Dunkin Donuts has apparently changed it's egg white flatbread sandwich slightly, I managed to overcome that surprise. I got to work extra early, which meant I ate breakfast before weighing in -- something I've never done because I worry it will add to the number on the scale. When I stepped on the scale, though, I was delighted with the result -- two pounds less than before vacation. That brings me to a total of 49.6 pounds since January. I was pumped.
For the second day in a row, I even had pizza because it was offered free at work. I was thinking about the weigh-in, but I ate two slices anyway. It tasted so good. (All things in moderation, right?) At this point, my mood was good. I had a busy afternoon ahead of me, but I felt relaxed and comfortable ... some might even say I seemed cheerful.
A few hours later, my mood shifted dramatically. No need to get into the details, but I have really been trying to analyze my emotional food triggers -- you know, the times that make you want to eat the whole pan of baked macaroni and cheese or the entire bag of potato chips. This was one of those times. I've always thought of myself as someone who handles stress well. I've had to deal with a lot of it in my life and I think I'm a relatively sane person. What I'm discovering, though, is that negative feelings and stress cause me to overeat. That's not really a surprise, but I do think it's important that I recognize this and try to start dealing with it. That's the only way I will be successful in the long run.
Later in the day, my mood shifted again when I got a piece of good news. But it was short-lived. The cause of my "bad mood" is gnawing at me. That's what my brain does. It latches onto one little thought and just won't let it go ... well, until it gets distracted by something else. But sometimes it can take days. I guess that's what has me worried heading into the weekend. Will I spend it focused on this one negative thought? Surely, that won't be good for me. Luckily, I haven't overeaten. But the thoughts are there and I want to.
For the second day in a row, I even had pizza because it was offered free at work. I was thinking about the weigh-in, but I ate two slices anyway. It tasted so good. (All things in moderation, right?) At this point, my mood was good. I had a busy afternoon ahead of me, but I felt relaxed and comfortable ... some might even say I seemed cheerful.
A few hours later, my mood shifted dramatically. No need to get into the details, but I have really been trying to analyze my emotional food triggers -- you know, the times that make you want to eat the whole pan of baked macaroni and cheese or the entire bag of potato chips. This was one of those times. I've always thought of myself as someone who handles stress well. I've had to deal with a lot of it in my life and I think I'm a relatively sane person. What I'm discovering, though, is that negative feelings and stress cause me to overeat. That's not really a surprise, but I do think it's important that I recognize this and try to start dealing with it. That's the only way I will be successful in the long run.
Later in the day, my mood shifted again when I got a piece of good news. But it was short-lived. The cause of my "bad mood" is gnawing at me. That's what my brain does. It latches onto one little thought and just won't let it go ... well, until it gets distracted by something else. But sometimes it can take days. I guess that's what has me worried heading into the weekend. Will I spend it focused on this one negative thought? Surely, that won't be good for me. Luckily, I haven't overeaten. But the thoughts are there and I want to.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Why I took my scale on vacation
When I left for vacation two weeks ago, there was no question in my mind about taking my scale with me. I've weighed almost every day since January, sometimes more than once a day. I know that's against the rules. Everyone says you shouldn't weigh more than once a week. I don't care. It works for me. Plus, if I go up a pound, I don't get all crazy and stop eating or anything like that. I just make sure I'm really careful about what I eat and counting every point for a couple of days. My brain responds to reason and it's reasonable to expect that my weight will fluctuate from day to day. But the constant weighing in does keep me on track and it keeps me from being surprised when I officially weigh-in on Fridays. I don't like surprises.
So I went on vacation expecting to gain weight. I figured I could live with up to three pounds. While I was there, it was hard to except seeing a higher number (sometimes as much as 5 pounds higher). And it seemed like the number was getting bigger every day. I did eat and drink a lot more than normal. And some of it definitely wasn't good for me, including alcohol, creamed chipped beef, french fries and fried crab cakes. It tasted so good and I was on vacation. But the truth is that I ate just as many good foods, including fruit, salads, grilled chicken and turkey. When it was all said and done, I went over my daily Weight Watchers points allotment every day and I used my weekly points (and then some). But I also used a lot more energy than normal by climbing up and down stairs at the dock and walking around the town.
It was worth it, especailly now that I've been back home a few days. The scale, for once, is being kind. It actually says I've lost weight since the last official weigh-in two weeks ago. Now, who knows what the scale will say tomorrow morning when I actually weigh-in. But I'm pretty sure it won't say that I've gained weight. That's why I took the scale on vacation. I splurged plenty, but I needed those constant weigh-ins to help me make smart choices at least part of the time.
So I went on vacation expecting to gain weight. I figured I could live with up to three pounds. While I was there, it was hard to except seeing a higher number (sometimes as much as 5 pounds higher). And it seemed like the number was getting bigger every day. I did eat and drink a lot more than normal. And some of it definitely wasn't good for me, including alcohol, creamed chipped beef, french fries and fried crab cakes. It tasted so good and I was on vacation. But the truth is that I ate just as many good foods, including fruit, salads, grilled chicken and turkey. When it was all said and done, I went over my daily Weight Watchers points allotment every day and I used my weekly points (and then some). But I also used a lot more energy than normal by climbing up and down stairs at the dock and walking around the town.
It was worth it, especailly now that I've been back home a few days. The scale, for once, is being kind. It actually says I've lost weight since the last official weigh-in two weeks ago. Now, who knows what the scale will say tomorrow morning when I actually weigh-in. But I'm pretty sure it won't say that I've gained weight. That's why I took the scale on vacation. I splurged plenty, but I needed those constant weigh-ins to help me make smart choices at least part of the time.
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