Frustrated, but still moving forward

This might sound like I'm whining at this point, but I simply don't understand why I've stopped losing weight. Last week, I gained a half pound. Now, this week so far I'm up another half pound. What's going on?

Almost every week since January, I've lost weight. And the few where I didn't seemed to be anomalies. If I gained or stayed the same one week, the next week went really well. So why isn't that happening this time?

I tried not to freak out last week. But now it's really frustrating. With all the walking I'm doing, I feel like I should be losing. I'm staying within my allotted Weight Watchers points every day, so I'm baffled. It's not a good feeling.

It's even more frustrating because I feel great. All the walking has made me feel stronger and more committed than ever to leading a healthier lifestyle. The way I eat now is habit. And walking is almost habit.

But it can't be coincidence that my weight gain over the past two weeks has occurred when I started walking. Maybe I'm building muscle, which would be great. But, mentally, I'm not sure it's worth it. I need to see the number on the scale going down.

On a more positive note, I am still changing in other ways. This might seem trivial to some, but I've worn a skirt (knee-length, at that) to work for two days in a row. That's a huge step for me. Eight to 10 years ago, I wore skirts nearly every day. Of course, I never wanted to admit it before, but I stopped because they no longer fit. Now, they all do. It felt great to wear them. Oh, and I've been wearing sleeveless shirts. Showing my arms and legs is major progress.

Once again, I feel like the real me is emerging.

Clearing my mind

I've decided to re-adopt an old habit -- listening to music. I used to sit for hours and play my favorite CDs. The songs I chose depended on my mood. But it was always a good way for me to clear my mind or to at least be focused in my thinking.

So I'm picking up the habit again starting today. I've already listened to John Coltrane's "A Love Supreme" and several Bonnie Raitt songs. My mood this afternoon is pensive ... in a good way. I stated in a recent post that I like to dream about the future. That's what I've been doing. (I'm only taking a break because I had to do something for work. I figured I'd write this post while I had the computer on.) It's funny that both artists remind me of specific times in my past, yet they somehow make me want to look forward. Interesting.

My work is done, so I'm about to turn the stereo back on. I wonder what CD I should listen to next. Leading candidates are the Pulp Fiction soundtrack, Nanci Griffith or Van Morrison. What kind of music do you like to listen to when you're in the mood to think about the future?

Weekly weigh-in and a day of rest

This morning's weigh-in was disappointing. I gained a half a pound this week. How is that possible? Isn't physical activity supposed to help me lose weight? I walked six mornings in a row. I didn't eat or drink anything out of the ordinary this week. So I'm baffled. And frustrated.

Even before I got on the scale this morning, I had decided I needed a day of rest. No walking. Physically, I felt up to it. But mentally, I just couldn't make myself get out of the bed. I'm still hoping to tackle The Loop at Wrightsville Beach again tomorrow morning, though.

I'm going to try not to dwell on my weight gain this week because I should be happy that this is only the third time in the past seven months that I've gained weight during a given week. I know it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. And I'm sure I'll lose weight next week.

Flirting with the fine line between determination and obsession

I've noticed this week that I've become focused on certain things. As it relates to this blog, walking is one of those things. But there are others at work (and my colleagues will know exactly what I'm talking about).

On one hand, I feel like I'm determined. With walking, for example, I'm determined to make physical activity a regular part of my life. I've been going every morning since last Saturday. It isn't always easy, but every step I take makes me feel stronger and healthier. On the other hand, though, I'm wondering if I've become a bit obsessed. I think about it all the time, especially what songs I will listen to and how far I will walk.

I bring this up mostly because I'm noticing the same pattern with things at work. There are only a handful total, but I seem more focused and determined than ever before.

Ultimately, I'm wondering if all of this is about control. There are so many things happening in my life that I can't control that obsessing about those I can gives me purpose. I guess, for now, I'll try to force myself to think about my choices and to personally monitor my "obsessions."

I'm addicted

I know some people are probably getting tired of hearing me talk about it, but I can't believe how much I love walking each morning. After just four days, I find that I'm looking forward to it. I can't wait until tomorrow morning.

This morning's walk was a struggle. I really didn't want to get out of bed early. I had a feeling it wasn't going to be a good day. I don't know why. Just something in my brain made me want to just stay in bed all day. But I forced myself to get up and head out about 6:30 a.m. Once I got started, I felt great. For the first time, I had my iPod. I loved choosing a few of my favorite songs (including those from Zac Brown Band, Miranda Lambert, Van Morrison, Jimmy Buffett and the Grateful Dead) to get my day started. I made it two times around my neighborhood, which is 1.2 miles.

I was proud of myself for doing it. I resisted the urge to do nothing. A few short months ago that urge would have gotten the better of me. But my positive outlook didn't last. From the moment I got to work until the time I left, so many little things were pushing my buttons. I've been working on not letting those things get to me. In fact, rolling with the punches is a big part of my plan to achieve a happier mindset. It's been working for the past week or so. Today was too much. And I hate when I let things get me off balance.

Now that I've had a couple of hours to reflect on the day, I feel silly for getting overwhelmed. There was nothing about today that should have thrown me off my game. More importantly, I find myself thinking about tomorrow's walk and the songs I want to listen to. I think I'm addicted to walking because it gives me an escape. When I'm doing it, I don't think about anything. When I'm not doing it, I think about doing it. This just might be the distraction my brain needs ... oh, and it's really good for me.

I'm starving!

Is it possible that adding a bit of walking to my daily routine is making me hungry?

I've been starving all day today and I've actually eaten the same amount during the day that I had been. As of Saturday, I've become a walker. I walked 2.45 miles Saturday, six-tenths of a mile Sunday and 1.2 miles this morning. That doesn't seem like that much, so why am I so hungry?

In seven months of following Weight Watchers, I can't recall a day where I was this hungry. I don't want to increase my food intake because the point is to lose weight. So I'm giving it another day. If I'm still starving tomorrow, I'm going to rethink when I eat. For example, it's possible that I just need to eat more earlier in the day. Or maybe I just need to eat something different, more filling, earlier in the day.

Any suggestions?

Discovering the real me

You are the change you want.

I've been thinking about this since 3:30 a.m. Sunday, July 25 when it was being drilled into my head. My friend and I were talking about all the changes going on in our lives and how they are scary yet exciting. He was really trying to convince me to own the changes in my life and accept that I am responsible for those changes. I'm not sure now why, but I wasn't able to do it. I feel like so many changes are out of my control.

But his point is a good one. Ultimately, we do control our own destinies. I'm fond of saying, "Everything you do, you do to make yourself happy," which is right in line with what my friend was saying.

So for the past week, I've tried to live by what my friend said. If I want to make changes in my life, then I am the only one who can do it. As a result, I had a great week. Sure, it had it's usual ups and downs. But my outlook was different. I've felt better every day in the past week than any other time I can remember. And I've done things in the past week that I never would have done before. Of course, I must point out that support from others has been truly amazing. It definitely helps keep me motivated and, honestly, just makes me feel good.

I feel like I'm changing who I am. I'm definitely not the same person I was six months ago. Sure, my physical appearance is changing pretty drastically, but the change I'm talking about is the person on the inside. At first, I thought I was becoming a whole new me -- someone I didn't recognize and someone who did things I would never do. Then, I thought back to 15 or so years ago and realized that the new me is an awfully lot like the person I was back then.

Now, I feel like I'm discovering the real me and I like that person. The real me likes to have fun and take risks. The real me is loyal to my friends ... even when they're wrong. The real me is ambitious and not afraid of change. The real me loves to read poetry and books that inspire the thinker inside my head. The real me is direct and confident (but I hope not arrogant). And the real me dreams about the future.