So I finally cracked today, sort of. As I wrote yesterday, I've been craving all sorts of terrible foods. I know it's not about the foods. It's really about about my emotions. This whole week has been a struggle. Even though I walked more than ever before, I've wanted to eat everything in sight. I thought I was back on track today at work. I was diligent about what I ate and when. It was a struggle all day, but I made it. Then, I stopped at the grocery store on the way home. The plan was to get something healthy and tasty (and not too far off track) for dinner.
I had a plan.
It was working out OK, except I was stopping to check the calorie and fat count for every kind of pre-made macaroni and cheese I saw. But I didn't put any in the cart. Then I spotted the potato chip aisle. I went by at first, even making it through the rest of my shopping. As I was headed to the checkout, though, I couldn't resist. The good news is that I bought baked potato chips. Seriously, I could have made a much worse choice. The bad news is that I opened the bag in the car on the way home. It's not a long drive, so I don't think I ate that many.
It's not about what I ate.
It's about the mental process behind it. I clearly have emotional issues with food. Although I felt horrible for eating the chips, I actually feel better. I feel more relaxed and the craziness in my head seems to have subsided (for now, at least). I can honestly say this is the first time since January that I let that part of my brain take over. I've fought it for so long and I was beginning to think that my new way of seeing food was permanent. I thought it had finally taken hold and I didn't have to fight it.
I was wrong.
I'm not sure how to proceed. I'd like to think that this was a one-time thing. But my mind isn't in the right place yet. I want to move on, forget it and not let it happen again. Actually, what I really want is to figure out how to deal with it. I want to know exactly what happened this week that let the old me emerge.
And how do I make it stop?
Friday, November 12, 2010
Weekly weigh-in: Discouraged
For the first time since January, I honestly feel discouraged. I've been disappointed before. But I feel like my old way of thinking is starting to creep back into my head. You know, the voice that says, "What's the point? Just eat whatever you want. Why are you putting yourself through all of this? Where's it getting you?" I don't like it, but I don't know how to stop it. I'm not exactly sure what number I expected to see on the scale today, and maybe that's part of the problem. Every week until this one, I had a good idea of where I stood. I knew whether I was going to gain or lose. And the few weeks when I gained were no surprise. This week, I did lose two-tenths of a pound. OK, at least I lost something. But I also walked 16 1/2 miles since last Friday. And my eating habits weren't bad. The worst part of it is that I still haven't hit the 75 pounds lost goal. I'm at 74.6. Physically, I feel better and stronger than ever. Mentally, not so much. I think I just need something good to happen.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
On the verge of cracking
Today is the closest I've come to eating the worst foods possible since I started this journey in January. And, unfortunately, the day's not over yet. I don't know what's going on, but I'm craving everything bad ... pizza, Chinese, barbecue, french fries, a steak and cheese. And my emotions are all over the place. Some of you might be saying that sounds like PMS. Could be. But I've made it through 10 months without cracking, so why is today so bad?
I think it's because I've allowed my brain to focus on other things lately. You could say that I haven't been keeping my eye on the ball. In fact, I've been distracted by a lot of other things. Mostly good, but still distractions. This is probably a good lesson as I go forward -- winning this battle requires constant attention and commitment.
And the good news is that other than two small splurges on snacks (half of a medium-size blueberry muffin and a half piece of pumpkin bread), I haven't actually gotten off track today. Instead, I came home from work and walked 3 miles. I vowed that I wasn't going back in my house until I felt better. But I had to give up eventually because my left leg/ankle were hurting so bad that I could barely take another step.
Now, of course, I'm blogging ... hoping something will click and the urge to order delivery will pass. It was particularly difficult seeing the pizza delivery guy drive by during my walk. My brain keeps saying: "It's just one day. Just eat whatever you want and worry about it tomorrow." OK, that probably wouldn't be the end of the world. The problem is that food is an addiction and once I let those words win, I'll be hearing them all the time and letting them win all the time.
So I'm headed to the kitchen to eat my leftover whole-wheat pasta with butternut squash and asparagus. And I might have to go to bed after that so I won't be tempted to eat something else ... something worse. Then maybe tomorrow will be better.
I think it's because I've allowed my brain to focus on other things lately. You could say that I haven't been keeping my eye on the ball. In fact, I've been distracted by a lot of other things. Mostly good, but still distractions. This is probably a good lesson as I go forward -- winning this battle requires constant attention and commitment.
And the good news is that other than two small splurges on snacks (half of a medium-size blueberry muffin and a half piece of pumpkin bread), I haven't actually gotten off track today. Instead, I came home from work and walked 3 miles. I vowed that I wasn't going back in my house until I felt better. But I had to give up eventually because my left leg/ankle were hurting so bad that I could barely take another step.
Now, of course, I'm blogging ... hoping something will click and the urge to order delivery will pass. It was particularly difficult seeing the pizza delivery guy drive by during my walk. My brain keeps saying: "It's just one day. Just eat whatever you want and worry about it tomorrow." OK, that probably wouldn't be the end of the world. The problem is that food is an addiction and once I let those words win, I'll be hearing them all the time and letting them win all the time.
So I'm headed to the kitchen to eat my leftover whole-wheat pasta with butternut squash and asparagus. And I might have to go to bed after that so I won't be tempted to eat something else ... something worse. Then maybe tomorrow will be better.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Getting fit
I did quite a bit of walking this past weekend and I continued today. Sometimes, I feel like it's become an obsession. I've written before about how I tend to be a little OCD about things. OK, maybe a lot in some cases. Anyway, I really want getting fit to be an obsession because I know that once I fixate on something I won't let it go until I've achieved whatever I define as success.
In this case, of course, I'm already achieving greater success than I thought possible. The first time I walked The Loop at Wrightsville Beach in July, I couldn't make it all the way around without taking a break. I felt light-headed and breathing wasn't easy. Now, I can walk two laps, which is almost 5 miles. I'm pretty slow, but I consider the improved endurance a good sign. Seriously, I can walk 5 miles without passing out. I can remember not wanting to walk a block downtown to go to lunch or dinner with friends. In fact, I'm sure I said no to quite a few events in the past simply because I would have had to walk too far. Now, I feel like I could walk anywhere, anytime. And I would never dream of skipping an event because I might have to park too far away. I've come a long way.
What's most important is that I feel like I'm getting fit. I feel healthier every day. This weekend is the first time when I've been able to feel it. Once again, I think a lot of it is psychological. Of course, I've felt better for quite some time. But mentally something clicked this weekend. I feel strong and in control of this process and more committed than ever. I'm still struggling, though, with what the next step is. I want to get faster, stronger and more toned. I just don't know how to get there and, honestly, how to force myself to get there.
In this case, of course, I'm already achieving greater success than I thought possible. The first time I walked The Loop at Wrightsville Beach in July, I couldn't make it all the way around without taking a break. I felt light-headed and breathing wasn't easy. Now, I can walk two laps, which is almost 5 miles. I'm pretty slow, but I consider the improved endurance a good sign. Seriously, I can walk 5 miles without passing out. I can remember not wanting to walk a block downtown to go to lunch or dinner with friends. In fact, I'm sure I said no to quite a few events in the past simply because I would have had to walk too far. Now, I feel like I could walk anywhere, anytime. And I would never dream of skipping an event because I might have to park too far away. I've come a long way.
What's most important is that I feel like I'm getting fit. I feel healthier every day. This weekend is the first time when I've been able to feel it. Once again, I think a lot of it is psychological. Of course, I've felt better for quite some time. But mentally something clicked this weekend. I feel strong and in control of this process and more committed than ever. I'm still struggling, though, with what the next step is. I want to get faster, stronger and more toned. I just don't know how to get there and, honestly, how to force myself to get there.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Weekly weigh-in: Better than expected
When was the last time I said that about my Friday morning weigh-in? But it was, indeed, better than expected. I was on vacation last weekend and indulged in all the wrong foods and drinks. Then, there was Election Day on Tuesday. Between the two, I had pancakes, bacon, fudge, pizza, cake, beer, etc., etc. I was fully prepared not to lose any weight this week and to possibly gain a little. But the scale was my friend this morning -- 1.4 pounds lost. That brings me to a total of 74.4 pounds. Wow! I'm amazed each time I think about that number. And I could not have asked for a better result this week.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Feeling out of sorts ... and liking it
The past few weeks have gone by in a flash, and I feel like I barely recognize the person I've become. When I look in the mirror, I still see the same old me ... most of the time. It's my attitude and approach to life that are so completely different.
I had an experience today that would not have been possible a year ago. I made a new friend and it happened in what I think is a weird way. Someone I know simply recommended her as a friend on facebook. I sent the request and poof ... a couple of weeks later, we're having lunch and chatting as if we've known each other forever. And she's the second new friend I've made in the past month. I'm 37 years old and it sounds so strange to be talking about making new friends. I can't even really explain the need to do it. A year ago, I would have never "friended" someone on facebook I didn't actually know already and I certainly wouldn't have met the person for lunch and shared personal information about myself. The old me would have just not been able to do it and if I had, I would have been so stressed ... probably to the point of feeling sick. Today, I felt so comfortable and at ease.
Of course, my new friend deserves a lot of credit. She's very easy to talk to and didn't seem to mind that I might have sounded a little crazy every now and then. Unfortunately, there's still that small part of my brain wondering if she thinks I am crazy. But I'm trying to ignore those voices. Instead, I'm trying to focus on the progress I'm making. I've said it before: My journey is not just about losing weight. It's about discovering who I am and being happy with myself.
I am happy with myself today, so here's my list of five things that made me happy today.
1. I made a new friend. Not just because she's a nice person and fun, but also because it meant doing something I wouldn't normally do. I went outside my comfort zone and I liked it.
2. I won a newsroom award for planning our election coverage. I have a whole team of people who really deserve all of the credit. I'm happy I won, but I'll be even happier when I reward my team in some way for carrying out the plan.
3. I'm happy about the direction some things are going at work. As usual, I'm not going to reveal a lot of details about my job in this blog. But I feel like things are on the right track and progress will be made. Continuous improvement is important to me.
4. I blogged for the first time in a few days. I was feeling out of sorts, confused, tired, etc. and just couldn't focus on blogging the past couple of days. I'm happy I did it today. It always helps me organize my thoughts.
5. I got an unexpected e-mail from someone. Not ready to share the details, but it did make me happy.
I had an experience today that would not have been possible a year ago. I made a new friend and it happened in what I think is a weird way. Someone I know simply recommended her as a friend on facebook. I sent the request and poof ... a couple of weeks later, we're having lunch and chatting as if we've known each other forever. And she's the second new friend I've made in the past month. I'm 37 years old and it sounds so strange to be talking about making new friends. I can't even really explain the need to do it. A year ago, I would have never "friended" someone on facebook I didn't actually know already and I certainly wouldn't have met the person for lunch and shared personal information about myself. The old me would have just not been able to do it and if I had, I would have been so stressed ... probably to the point of feeling sick. Today, I felt so comfortable and at ease.
Of course, my new friend deserves a lot of credit. She's very easy to talk to and didn't seem to mind that I might have sounded a little crazy every now and then. Unfortunately, there's still that small part of my brain wondering if she thinks I am crazy. But I'm trying to ignore those voices. Instead, I'm trying to focus on the progress I'm making. I've said it before: My journey is not just about losing weight. It's about discovering who I am and being happy with myself.
I am happy with myself today, so here's my list of five things that made me happy today.
1. I made a new friend. Not just because she's a nice person and fun, but also because it meant doing something I wouldn't normally do. I went outside my comfort zone and I liked it.
2. I won a newsroom award for planning our election coverage. I have a whole team of people who really deserve all of the credit. I'm happy I won, but I'll be even happier when I reward my team in some way for carrying out the plan.
3. I'm happy about the direction some things are going at work. As usual, I'm not going to reveal a lot of details about my job in this blog. But I feel like things are on the right track and progress will be made. Continuous improvement is important to me.
4. I blogged for the first time in a few days. I was feeling out of sorts, confused, tired, etc. and just couldn't focus on blogging the past couple of days. I'm happy I did it today. It always helps me organize my thoughts.
5. I got an unexpected e-mail from someone. Not ready to share the details, but it did make me happy.
Monday, November 1, 2010
A true sense of accomplishment
It's been three months since I decided to "reward" myself by walking The Loop at Wrightsville Beach. Today, I walked it twice. That's almost 5 miles. I was slow, but I feel fantastic. I'm so glad I pushed myself to do it. Just like after the first time, I can't wait to do it again. I'm feeling such a sense of achievement.
And I have my friend Diana D'Abruzzo to thank. Like me, she's trying to lose weight and she blogs. Her weight loss journey spans years and she's the one who convinced me to start this blog. Her post today about her struggles made me cry, but it also inspired me because Diana's so strong and brave. She's very open in her blog, even posting her weight. I admire her so much and I really don't think she even knows how much she motivates others. Diana walks/runs miles. I want to be like her, so I pushed myself harder today.
While I was walking, I was thinking again about all of the people who've supported my efforts. Sometimes, I don't think people even realize how something they've said has inspired or motivated me to keep going. I am so appreciative of everyone who simply says, "You're doing a great job." It's nice when people recognize how hard I'm working and how hard this journey is.
Yes, I'm having so much fun and enjoying my life. But the mental hurdles definitely outweigh the physical hurdles at this point. Just this weekend, I caught my reflection in a window and cringed. My mood immediately changed. I've been thinking about it since. On the other hand, I actually allowed my family members to take pictures of me. For so long, I've basically refused to be in photos. Now, I don't mind it as much. My point: Every time I start to feel like I'm not achieving the results I want, I resolve to work harder and to push myself more.
I will reach my goal ... whatever that is. I am hoping to set a final goal by the end of the year. I think it's time to realize that the changes I've made are for good and that I can get to whatever weight I want. I'm more determined than ever to get there.
And I have my friend Diana D'Abruzzo to thank. Like me, she's trying to lose weight and she blogs. Her weight loss journey spans years and she's the one who convinced me to start this blog. Her post today about her struggles made me cry, but it also inspired me because Diana's so strong and brave. She's very open in her blog, even posting her weight. I admire her so much and I really don't think she even knows how much she motivates others. Diana walks/runs miles. I want to be like her, so I pushed myself harder today.
While I was walking, I was thinking again about all of the people who've supported my efforts. Sometimes, I don't think people even realize how something they've said has inspired or motivated me to keep going. I am so appreciative of everyone who simply says, "You're doing a great job." It's nice when people recognize how hard I'm working and how hard this journey is.
Yes, I'm having so much fun and enjoying my life. But the mental hurdles definitely outweigh the physical hurdles at this point. Just this weekend, I caught my reflection in a window and cringed. My mood immediately changed. I've been thinking about it since. On the other hand, I actually allowed my family members to take pictures of me. For so long, I've basically refused to be in photos. Now, I don't mind it as much. My point: Every time I start to feel like I'm not achieving the results I want, I resolve to work harder and to push myself more.
I will reach my goal ... whatever that is. I am hoping to set a final goal by the end of the year. I think it's time to realize that the changes I've made are for good and that I can get to whatever weight I want. I'm more determined than ever to get there.
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