Starting to panic

I hesitate to write this post because I think most rational people will tell me I'm being crazy or just whining. But I'm hoping that getting it out will make me feel better.

I came on vacation knowing that I would probably gain a couple of pounds. I felt mentally prepared to do so. The first two days were fine. I went a little overboard, but I wasn't too worried since I feel like I'm expanding a lot more energy than normal. There are lots of stairs I have to climb to get to and from the dock and riding in a boat when the water's rough definitely used a lot of muscles I didn't know I had.

On Monday, I got right back on track. I felt good. But the scale simply isn't cooperating. As of this morning, I've gained 2 pounds. Sure that's not so bad. But the week is only halfway over. Plus, I woke up at 5 a.m. worried about it. Have I become so accustomed to losing weight these past six months that I'm not mentally prepared to gain?

It's important to me that I lose weight in a way that allows me to keep it off for the rest of my life. That's why it's also important to me that I manage the mental side as well. I don't want to be the person who NEVER takes a bite of cake or eats a french fry because I'm afraid to gain weight.

So why am I so panicked this week? I think I fear that one splurge will lead to another one and then another one and then I'll be right back where I was. And I've worked hard these past six months, so gaining weight now means that work was for nothing. That doesn't fit well with my rational mind, which is very efficient and believes in doing things right the first time.

The scale surprised me today

The results of today's weigh-in surprised me. I lost more than 2 pounds this week, which brings my grand total since January up to 47.6 pounds. I really did try to take it easy this week but I expected to lose about a pound. Of course I was thrilled with the number I saw. Besides, I'm about to go on vacation and I'm fully prepared to gain weight. I don't want to overdo it, but I also don't want to worry too much. I was just telling my mom that I've really gotten used to making smart food choices. Sure, I might gain a couple of pounds while on vacation, but that seems reasonable. I know I'm going to splurge. But I think I'll be fine as long as I don't go crazy and eat all the things I used to eat. Instead, I'm hoping I can indulge a little each day, but mostly stay on track. Wish me luck!

Rational vs. irrational

I was reading a blog post this morning from a friend who's also trying to lose weight, and it made me think about split personalities. I'm typically considered a rational person. I like process and I think logically. Of late, however, the irrational part of my brain seems to be poking at the rational side.

Specifically as it relates to my weight loss journey, my rational mind says I should be really proud that I've lost more than 45 pounds since the beginning of the year. My rational self knows that losing that much weight is bound to make a difference in how a look and feel. Besides, I do feel better and some of my clothes are getting too big.

But my irrational mind looks in the mirror and doesn't see any changes. It starts to tell me that there's no point. I've been trying to lose weight for six months and I don't look any different. Plus, there are still plenty of clothes in the closet that don't fit. So clearly I have some body image issues.

Then there are my food issues. My rational mind understands that I need to eat a certain amount and type of food to stay healthy ... and lose weight. My irrational mind sometimes thinks I should just stop eating. And, oddly enough, there are days when I feel like I could not eat. Of course, then there are those days when I still want to eat everything in sight.

So how do I stop the irrational side of my brain from overtaking the rational side?

Dealing with stress

I don't have a lot to say so far this week about my weight-loss efforts. I've been on track every day, but somehow the scale says I've gained almost 2 pounds. All I can do is hope to see a different number on Friday.

So I've decided to weigh in on a different subject today. I found myself thinking today about one of the best days I can remember. It was about 14 years ago. I had just graduated from college and was preparing to move to a small town in Virginia because that's where I was hired as a reporter.

I ended up spending hours walking in the park with a good friend. I don't remember what we talked about, but I do remember how simple and easy life seemed. We didn't stay friends, but to this day I remember certain pieces of advice he gave me -- most of it having to do with choosing a path in life that makes you happy.

Whenever I get particularly stressed, I tend to think about that day. I want to recapure the way I felt -- comfortable and happy. As I've gotten older and had more and more life experiences, I truly miss the hours we spent back then talking about our hopes and dreams.

What a week

Emotionally, this has been one roller-coaster of a week. I've been all over the place, and there were probably more low moments than high ones. But the week did end on a high note.

The results of today's weigh-in were surprising -- 3.8 pounds. I was shocked. I expected about 2 pounds based on what I'd been seeing on the scale at home each day. I've had a couple of slow weeks recently, so maybe the scale is finally catching up.

This week's loss brings me up to 45.2 pounds total since the beginning of the year. I still can't believe it. In addition to losing a lot this week, I was able to wear a new shirt I just bought in a smaller size. And everyone (well, at least 15 people) told me how much they liked it or how nice it looked. That does a lot for a person's motivation.

So I'm feeling pretty good and happy to end the week on a positive note.

A bad day

I've been on track since last Friday and I felt like I was seeing progress. Then, today happened. I ate light Monday, knowing that today might be a splurge day. I was in a daylong training session at work and lunch was provided.

Having to eat what's provided or going to a restaurant has proven to be a real challenge for me. Today's downfall was Quizno's. All of the sandwiches had cheese and mayo. I knew when I was making my selection that I should have opted for one small sandwich, but I couldn't stop with just one. They were delicious. I did stick with turkey and baked chips, but the cheese and mayo put me over the top.

To top it off, the afternoon proved to be more stress than I could handle. After dinner, I ended up eating two snacks. Sure, I stuck with lowfat Kashi cereal and a Weight Watchers frozen latte bar. But all in all, it wasn't a good day and once again I fell victim to my emotions. The only good news is that I did make smarter food choices.

What a good feeling

I'm not sure why I picked today ... but I ended up trying on a bunch of old clothes. All of a sudden this afternoon, I just started pulling things off the hanger in my closet. I found several dresses that I haven't worn in at least five years. They fit now. It was so exciting and made me feel so good.

One dress, in particular, used to be a favorite. I don't even remember when or why I stopped wearing it. But I know it stopped fitting a long time ago. The fact that it fit made me so happy. I can't wait to wear it.

On a related note, I went shopping for new clothes today. I bought a sleeveless shirt in a size smaller than what I was wearing just a few months ago. I also bought a shirt that was a little too small, but it was on sale. Now, my goal is to lose enough wait in the next month or so to make it fit. I loved the shirt and it was on sale. Is that strange?

Really, though, I love that old clothes are starting to fit and I'm seeing a difference in the size I wear. It feels good.