Walking The Loop

A couple of weeks ago, when I hit the 50 pounds lost mark, I decided that one of my rewards was going to be walking The Loop at Wrightsville Beach by the end of August. For those who don't know, it's a 2.45 mile path around the center of the island. Ever since I moved to Wilmington more than 11 years ago, I've wanted to do it. But I never tried ... until today.

My heart was pounding before I even started walking because my anxiety level was high. I parked near the entrance to town hall and headed toward Lumina Avenue. Four minutes in, my legs were hurting and I stopped to catch my breath. I almost turned around.

But I'm not a quitter.

I kept going. The slight incline over the Causeway Drive bridge was not fun. When I hit Lumina Avenue, though, it seemed to get easier. There were lots of people out and about, which gave me something to focus on other than how much my ankles were hurting. I got to Johnnie Mercers Fishing Pier and felt a sense of excitement. That seemed like the halfway point (although I have no idea if that's really true). By the time I got to the Salisbury Street bridge, the sun was getting hot. My face was really red and several muscles were aching, including ones in my back and arms. (I didn't anticipate that.)

But there was no turning back at this point.

I got a little light headed near the pretty stretch of marsh/water. Luckily, there was a bench. I didn't want to stop, but I also figured passing out on the sidewalk probably wouldn't be a good thing. So I took a break. Just a couple of minutes. When I started walking again, I could see the back entrance to town hall. I seriously debated cutting through the parking lot, which would have put me near my car.

But I was so close to completing my goal. And I'm not a quitter.

So I finished the entire Loop. It took me 52 minutes and two short breaks. But it felt amazing. I can't believe I did it. I wasn't sure if I was going to admit this, but I've been pretty open and honest so far about my feelings -- I actually started crying while driving home. Once again, this is a big physical hurdle, but it's an even bigger mental accomplishment. And the truth is now that I'm home, nothing aches. Sure, my body knows it walked 2.45 miles today. But I feel great. I can't wait to do it again ... maybe in a few days.

Can I really do this?

I can't even believe I'm considering it, but a friend has suggested that I walk in the Battleship 5K in November. I say walk because I definitely don't see me running ... at least not the entire distance. There was a time when walking a block downtown seemed impossible and I tried to avoid it. But today I nearly sprinted out of the newsroom because there was breaking news taking place about a block from the office and I wanted to see it for myself. I felt exhilarated.

Can I complete a 5K? I don't know. It scares me to death to even think about it. But it's also exciting. Imagine how amazing I'd feel if I did it. Sure, I'd have to start out walking. But could I be a runner eventually? I've never had a desire to be. Aside from tennis, I've never participated in any sort of athletic activity. But there's something about the idea of walking/running that is starting to appeal to me. Maybe it's because my friend Diana D'Abruzzo writes about it all the time on her blog. She makes it seem like such a rewarding experience. Plus, it seems like the sort of thing that would help me clear my mind.

So if I decide to do it, where do I start? I'm a creature of habit and breaking my old routines hasn't been easy. I just need the right motivation. Any suggestions?

Weekly weigh-in: Am I losing weight too fast?

I just realized that I never posted about my weekly weigh-in. Even though the competition is over at work, I'm still weighing in every Friday morning. Last week, I lost 4.2 pounds, bringing me up to a little more than 55 pounds. As you know by now, I'm pretty realistic.

That's probably too much to lose in one week. I know I wasn't eating enough. As I expressed previously, my emotions were all over the place and the drama level was pretty high. In the past, those emotions and stress would have led me to eat everything in sight, including lots of stuff that's not good for me. Unfortunately, I think I've now gone in the opposite direction. When I'm stressed, I don't eat enough. I've been so preoccupied (mostly with my own thoughts) that I've not been paying enough attention to my eating habits. I haven't been skipping meals, but I have been eating smaller ones and skipping my snacks.

I'm going to try to do better this week, but I'm not off to a very good start. Even if I ate a second dinner, I wouldn't have reached my target Weight Watchers points for the day. Or I guess I could eat 11 bags of popcorn. Since neither of those seem likely, I'll settle for a snack later and resolve to do better tomorrow.

My concern is that everything I've read tells me that losing weight too fast is not good for my body and will make it harder to achieve long-term success. I've actually lost almost 10 pounds in the past three weeks. Weight Watchers says a healthy average is between 1 and 2 pounds a week. Since January, though, I'm averaging 2.1 a week. Should I be worried? I feel really good, much better than I have in years. But I want to make sure I'm being smart and not hurting myself in the long run.

Look how far I've come

I'm taking a lot of steps lately to change the way I look at life. It's not always easy. I'm thrilled to be losing weight, but it does come with mental hurdles. But I'm overcoming them almost daily. So here's to another step in the process.

I'm including three photos of me. The first was taken before I started my weight-loss journey. The second was taken after I'd lost 25 pounds. The third was taken this week at just over 50 pounds lost. I'm so glad I finally compared the photos. It really does help with my self image ... well, sort of. I hate seeing the before photo and I feel embarrassed to include it. So this is a big step and I can't wait to see the photo after I lose 25 more pounds.

No worries

I write one blog post about feeling very emotional about a big change in my life and several people I know seemed to misunderstand. Suggestions included seeking professional help or anti-anxiety medication. Really? That's not necessary. I'm fine.

Yes. For a brief moment yesterday, I was really upset. I cried. I was sad. But there was no need for concern. Just because I don't display emotion often, it doesn't mean I don't feel things. By this morning, I had moved to acceptance. And, in fact, I've come to understand the situation much better in the past 24 hours.

I couldn't give a lot of details yesterday, but it's well known now what's going on. A colleague I respect and admire is leaving. It caught me off guard even though I apparently sensed the person was getting antsy. But I get it. For a brief moment, it was about me. But it's not. This person has a desire to do something different. I respect that. I think I even admire it. It scares me because I'm not that way. But I've had a very good conversation with this person now and I'm 100 percent supportive. Again, I get it.

Thinking more clearly

This is probably going to be hard to believe since my last post was just an hour ago. But I am thinking more clearly. Apparently, blogging is therapeutic. All of a sudden my brain seems to be firing on all cylinders instead of wallowing in misery. Maybe it was good to express my feelings. I've moved on to acceptance. And now I'm focused on what lies ahead. I'm not a quitter. In fact, I'm a fighter. I do not accept failure.

Plus, I've committed to being happy. I don't want to seem irrational about it, but I really want to try. So I'm going to think about what would make me happy in my current situation. I can't change what's already happened. But maybe I can make sure the outcome is positive and is something that will make me happy. Yes, that is what I'm going to think about when I'm going to sleep tonight. Sometimes my best ideas come to me while I'm sleeping. Perhaps that will happen tonight.

Letting my emotions get the better of me

I've been debating for about 30 minutes whether to write this post because I can't really give specifics, but I've obviously decided that blogging just might be therapeutic. For about a week now, my emotions have been all over the place. I've been ecstatic at moments and in tears at other moments. And sometimes I've felt both emotions at the same time, which probably seems weird.

The problem is that I don't let myself get emotionally invested in people very often. It's a product of my childhood. My mom was married and divorced four times and I had stepsisters in two different marriages. Long story short, people came and went. One day, they're your family. The next day, you never see or hear from them again. Sure, it's not like they died. But they were gone. To this day, I don't know what happened to some of those people. So I became detached, untrusting, skeptical.

As a result, I think people view me as an uncaring person. The words thick-skinned and insensitive come to mind. I get it and can see why people would feel that way. But there are a select few who know me better. They know I'm just as insecure as the next person and that I'm very emotional. I just tend to hide my emotions well. That's why the highs and lows of late are so puzzling.

I have allowed myself to get emotionally invested in some people. Their successes are my successes. Their failures are my failures. And my loyalty toward and belief in these people is unwavering. So when they do something that surprises me or disappoints me, I don't handle it well. Yes, I take it personally. On one hand, I think that makes me sound selfish. Shouldn't I be happy when others do things that make them happy? On the other hand, I start to question whether I had something to do with their decisions. It's hard to explain exactly what I mean since I can't go into detail. But it's hard for me not to let my insecurities take over.

And I hate being on this emotional roller-coaster. Why can't things be good for just a little while? There are good things happening in my life. Why do they have to be marred by these bad things?

As I've said before, I think it's important for me to analyze my feelings because I know that overeating has been a coping mechanism for me in the past. I'm proud that I haven't let these ups and downs derail my weight-loss efforts. But I still worry that the possibility is there. Will there be a day when I don't have this self control? It feels like I'm getting closer and closer to that day all the time.