Two steps back, one step forward

So I vowed earlier this week to get on track with my eating habits and stay there because I'm determined to reach 75 pounds lost by the end of October. I did well the first few days. But today was a different story. We had a going away potluck lunch at work and I completely overindulged. Combine that with a little too much wine early in the week and I'm probably not as on track as I need to be. I ate so much for lunch today (sausage, chicken nuggets, macaroni salad, antipasto salad, macaroni and cheese, bread, etc.) that I feel sick just thinking about it. It was a setback, but not worth worrying over.

The other setback today was when I went to get dressed this morning. It's been raining for days and it's actually gotten a little chilly outside. (And freezing in the office.) I finally decided it was time to break out long pants and shirts with sleeves. I just reorganized my closest this past weekend to move all of the clothes that are too big to one side. Apparently, my self-image isn't improving as much as I would like. I tried on several pairs of pants and sweaters from the side of clothes that fit and they were all too big. That's a good problem in the grand scheme of things. I am trying to lose weight. What worries me is that I actually thought those clothes would fit. They were too small last fall, so I reasoned that they would fit this year because I've lost weight. I looked at the clothes and really thought they would fit me. But they weren't just a little bit too big. They were huge. Obviously, I've lost more weight than I realize. I have not a single pair of long pants that fit. I ended up wearing baggy clothes today. I guess I'll be shopping this weekend. Again, a good problem to have. But part of the journey is learning to see myself for who I am.

Finally, I did at least end the day with a step forward. I haven't walked the neighborhood since Sunday morning. I was feeling antsy today. Did I mention that it's been raining for days? I think that's mostly why I really felt the need to get outside. I wasn't going to walk in the rain. But I knew some exercise after such a crazy day (and two steps back) would do me good. I actually road my exercise bike for the first time in a long time. It felt great and I was proud of myself. I consider it a good sign that I had this excess energy at the end of the day and I used it to exercise. That is a true sign of progress.

Whining about wine

As you know, I've re-dedicated myself to staying on track with my eating habits. I did great Saturday and Sunday ... and most of the day Monday. But wine is apparently my downfall. Losing weight would be so much easier if I could eliminate alcohol. Don't get me wrong. I don't drink that much. But a glass or two of wine a few times a week is something I just can't resist. But it's hard to fit that into my daily Weight Watchers points allotment. So today I'm going over. I could have skipped dinner, but that didn't seem like a good idea. Ultimately, I think my point is that there are certain luxuries I'm not willing to give up. All things in moderation, right? Plus, part of my journey is about learning to love my life and enjoy every minute. I'm getting much better at it. I don't see myself giving up wine, but that does make my quest just that much harder. Is it worth it?

My new obsession (um, goal)

This whole weekend (including Friday because I was off from work) has been about getting my head in the right place to move forward. I think I'm there. I walked 3 miles this morning, which gave me a lot of time to think about my priorities. I'm tired of my brain feeling like it's all over the place. So I've decided I really want to hit the 75 pounds lost mark before the last weekend in October. That's when I'll be going back to Virginia to visit my family, some of whom haven't seen me since I was at 25 pounds lost.

As of Friday's weigh-in, I had 8.8 pounds to go, so it's going to take a lot of focus and commitment if I'm going to do it. But this is what I want. I plan to devote 100 percent of my mental energy to achieving this goal. (Well, except for the part of my brain that already spends 24 hours a day thinking about work. I don't see that changing.) Usually, when I get obsessed with something, it's all I can think about and talk about. You've been warned.

It's a risky goal. I'll probably be crushed if I fail. But I don't usually fail once I set my mind to something. And I definitely don't shy away from a challenge. I'm challenging myself because I need to feel a sense of accomplishment right now and this is something I have complete control over. Wish me luck!

Fear and feelings

Regretting my last post a little this morning -- mostly because it's actually so hard for me to share my feelings. That's really why I started the blog in the first place. As I was losing weight, I realized that the journey included a lot of emotional changes. I needed an outlet for expressing them. I'm still not sure the blog was the right venue.

Even though I often think what I'm saying makes me sound crazy, most people actually tell me how much they understand. I've been surprised that people are reading it, and many people have been very supportive.What's interesting to me is that blogging helps me organize my thoughts and sometimes get past whatever I'm feeling. And, obviously, my blogging has become more personal.

Sharing about myself is a huge part of this process. I've never been good at it, because that involves trusting people. I fear that people will use my feelings to hurt me. Yes, it's happened before. So, just like with every pound I lose, I consider every revelation about myself to be another step in the right direction.

Please don't judge

I've been trying to stop myself from writing this blog post because it's embarrassing (and my mother sometimes reads my blog), but I've been pretty honest so far. One of the reasons this summer has been so full of ups and downs is because I've allowed myself to develop this amazing crush. I hardly know the guy, but there's just something about him. Funny thing is that I didn't know it right away. But once I knew, I knew. He makes me smile and laugh. I don't think he knows it, but I suspect he's at least suspicious. I can't say much more for fear that I'm giving away too much. As far as I know, there are only a handful of people who actually know how I feel. I've tried to erase the person from my mind, but it's not working. Some friends have tried to convince me to make the first move, but that's never going to happen. One of those same friends says it's time to forget about this guy. He says the guy is flirting, but he's skeptical that the guy isn't serious. That makes me skeptical. So I'm trying to focus on something else. But it's not working. I want to put myself out there, but it's hard. My self-esteem has been so low for so long. What am I supposed to do?

Weekly weigh-in: I knew it wasn't going to be good

There was no surprise this week when I stepped on the scale. I've been off track for a couple of weeks now. I've tried not to go overboard, but I knew I wasn't going to continue lose weight if I kept eating and drinking the way I had been.

My choices this week were deliberate. I knew some of them weren't good, but I made them anyway because they involved socializing with friends. Learning to be a little more extroverted is a big part of this process, so the result -- a slight weight gain -- was worth it. I've had so much fun this week and I don't even mind that I gained weight -- it was less than a pound.

For several weeks now, I've been lamenting that I've been in a rut. After months of transforming my mind and body, I felt stuck. In fact, I felt like I was regressing and returning to my old self. Not with my eating habits, but definitely when it comes to my outlook on life.

This week has re-energized me to push through this rough patch. I was reminded by a good friend just how far I've come and how much I should be appreciating the changes I've made. My friend convinced me that I am different now ... a better person now, a more likable person. He said it was clear that my self-confidence is lagging far behind my new image and it needs to catch up quickly for me to truly continue making progress. I don't know about that part, but I'm going to work on it. What's the worst that will happen?

Self-sabotage and some other ramblings

As I was eating a cookie yesterday, a friend asked if I was trying to sabotage myself. In her defense, I did eat two cookies and a Neiman Marcus bar for lunch yesterday. We had a bake sale at work to benefit the United Way. For some reason, I couldn't stop myself. But it got me thinking.

I blogged yesterday about how surprised I was that I'd lost weight this week. My eating habits weren't good. It seems like every day I found an excuse to eat something that wasn't good for me. Food is an addiction. And I'm starting to worry that I've gotten off track and I can't get back on. I swore that after yesterday's decadent desserts I would be done with my splurges. But then today I got Chinese for lunch. What was I thinking? Why can't I stop myself?

Maybe it all still has something to do with what I see when I look in the mirror. I know it's completely absurd, but I don't feel like I look any different. My focus has been on how I look today because I got a new haircut. I love it, but I see the same face I've always seen. Even fitting into a pair of shorts in a size I haven't worn since 9th grade hasn't made a difference. What's it going to take for my self image to change?

The other thing is that I feel more self-conscious now than I did before. In the past, I think I assumed people weren't looking at me. Now, I feel like people are always looking at me. I've never liked being the center of attention, but losing 66 pounds tends to get noticed ... by a lot of people. Don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled by the support I've gotten and all of the positive comments. They make me feel great and motivate me to keep going. But there's always going to be this little voice in my head that says things like "they're just trying to be nice" and "they don't really mean what they're saying."

Finally, I find it funny that I've spent so much mental energy today thinking about my self-image because I woke up feeling on top of the world. For weeks, I've felt like I was living in a fog. I couldn't focus. I couldn't make the progress I felt like I needed to make. Today was different. I felt like I had let go of the drama and craziness that had been swirling around in my head. I was thinking clearly. I knew what direction I wanted to take and I resolved to do it.

That brings me back to my original point. Am I trying to sabotage my weight loss, success, happiness? And what will it take for me to truly embrace the good things?