So I'm a day late (or technically two days late since it is 2 a.m. Sunday) reporting my weekly weigh-in results. At my official weigh-in on Friday morning, I had lost 1.4 pounds last week. That put me at 73 total. I didn't quite hit my goal of 75 pounds by Oct. 29, but I was so close. I feel good about it. I've come a long way.
What I don't feel good about is how far off track I've gotten in the past two days. I've eaten and drank way too much and way too many things that weren't good for me. I am on a mini vacation with my family, so I knew there would be splurging. I guess I'm OK with it. I just wish I had the will power to resist those bad things. And, unfortunately, once I get off, it's not pretty. I've made a few wise choices, but overall not a good couple of days. I'm really afraid of what the scale will say when I get back to Wilmington Monday.
I've also been facing some mental hurdles since arriving in Richmond on Friday afternoon. I've spent so much time working on my attitude and training my brain to be positive. It's really hard for me to be around negative people. I don't mean to offend anyone. I just don't have the patience for complaining and bickering. It's so annoying. If something's wrong, fix it. Figure it out.
Oddly enough, I've also had a lot of time to think. I feel like the noise in my head is getting out of control again. My brain was so quiet and calm for so many days, maybe even weeks. Now my brain seems to be obsessing about every little thing. That's something I've been fighting so hard. Just this once I wish there was a switch to turn off my brain or at least a way to erase the stuff I don't want to think about.
I'm sure that stuff is the reason I'm blogging at 2 a.m. instead of sleeping. I feel so tired and sleepy. When I close my eyes, though, my brain feels like it's going to explode. So many thoughts go through my mind at once. And they are so loud. When I get back to Wilmington, it looks like I've got some work to do to recapture my inner peace. But I'll get there again.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Why I blog
So I've been surprised several times lately to hear people make a comment about something I wrote in this blog. I didn't even know the person was reading my blog. Of course, I want people to read it, but that's not why I do it. I blog because it's like therapy.
Being able to express what I'm thinking and feeling is a huge step in my weight-loss journey. I've always been very guarded and I don't share stuff about myself easily. That's probably surprising to some people because it's something I work on every day now. I want to trust people. So I've tried to be open and honest with this blog. I've given away more about myself than I ever believed possible.
But it's not easy. I really struggle sometimes with the idea of exposing my weaknesses. And there have been times when I've written a post only to delete it minutes later. There have also been times when I've written something and regretted it later, but I didn't delete it. I think that's progress.
I've found that blogging helps me organize my thoughts, stay on track and face my fears. Sometimes just writing about something allows me to let it go. I was scared to death when I started. I was so embarrassed by every word I wrote. I stressed all the time about what I was saying.
Now, I just type. I write what I'm thinking and feeling. I still get self-conscious when people mention something I've written, but I also feel really good when someone tells me they could relate. I can only hope that others read my posts and realize that we all have issues. We all have weak moments. We all struggle to do the right thing.
Most recently, blogging has helped me stay positive. It's forced me to think about what makes me happy. I even had a great compliment from someone I truly respect today. He said he could really see a difference in my attitude. And I tried to tell him how good I feel about my life right now. I genuinely feel happy.
So I got to thinking today about who's actually reading my blog. I really have no idea. But it turns out there are statistics available. I don't know why I never noticed the tab. It's pretty prominent. And I love studying numbers.
Here's what I found out:
Being able to express what I'm thinking and feeling is a huge step in my weight-loss journey. I've always been very guarded and I don't share stuff about myself easily. That's probably surprising to some people because it's something I work on every day now. I want to trust people. So I've tried to be open and honest with this blog. I've given away more about myself than I ever believed possible.
But it's not easy. I really struggle sometimes with the idea of exposing my weaknesses. And there have been times when I've written a post only to delete it minutes later. There have also been times when I've written something and regretted it later, but I didn't delete it. I think that's progress.
I've found that blogging helps me organize my thoughts, stay on track and face my fears. Sometimes just writing about something allows me to let it go. I was scared to death when I started. I was so embarrassed by every word I wrote. I stressed all the time about what I was saying.
Now, I just type. I write what I'm thinking and feeling. I still get self-conscious when people mention something I've written, but I also feel really good when someone tells me they could relate. I can only hope that others read my posts and realize that we all have issues. We all have weak moments. We all struggle to do the right thing.
Most recently, blogging has helped me stay positive. It's forced me to think about what makes me happy. I even had a great compliment from someone I truly respect today. He said he could really see a difference in my attitude. And I tried to tell him how good I feel about my life right now. I genuinely feel happy.
So I got to thinking today about who's actually reading my blog. I really have no idea. But it turns out there are statistics available. I don't know why I never noticed the tab. It's pretty prominent. And I love studying numbers.
Here's what I found out:
- There are a lot more people reading what I write than I expected. My blog has had more than 800 page views so far this month and more than 2,600 since I started in July. Also, October is my best month so far. I think that's pretty good since I guessed that maybe a handful of people were reading each post.
- The two most viewed posts were the ones where I posted before and after photos. No surprise there.
- I get a lot of page views from people clicking on the links I post on facebook. In the beginning I felt weird about "advertising" my posts. But now it feels normal. How else will my "friends" know when I've written something new?
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
The wheels are turning
So several things have happened this week that have really got the wheels in my brain turning. I have so many things to think about that I don't know where to begin. Honestly, my brain is overloaded. And, interestingly, most of it's not bad stuff. It's just stuff. And it's new stuff. I know, I'm babbling. That's what it's like in my head right now. The neurons all seem to be firing at once. Maybe it's just too much caffeine.
The really good news is that I've stayed on track with my eating since last Friday. I haven't exercised as much as I should, but I've done better than normal. So that's good. And when I did a pre-weigh-in tonight, the results were good -- 1.4 pounds lost since last week. Let's hope the scale says the same thing on Friday morning ... or something even better. I'm so close to the 75 pounds lost mark. As of tonight, I'm at 73 pounds. Wow. Wow. Wow. When it comes to the big picture, I have a lot to be happy about.
I'm also starting to notice a few patterns now that I've been writing down my list for more than a week. Common themes include people who make me laugh, doing more physical activity, meeting new people, successes at work and losing weight. Yeah, those are pretty much the things that make me happy right now. Sounds pretty easy when you look at that list.
Here's my specific list for today.
1. For the first time in quite a few weeks, I dragged myself out of bed early enough this morning to walk before work. I've been so full of energy all day. I walked 1.8 miles, but could have done more if I had more time. I've been in a good mood all day and I think it's because of the walking.
2. For those not in journalism, this probably won't mean a lot. But it really made me happy. We had a designer at work put together advance layouts for Tuesday and Wednesday next week (Election Day and the day after). He's really fantastic. You give him vague instructions and he creates something wonderful. I'm so excited now for Election Day just because I know the papers are going to be so good.
3. I did one more thing to learn more about my community and to try to understand the people we cover in the newspaper. I attended a summit of downtown business/community leaders. The event wasn't all that exciting. But I did get three story ideas and sat next to an excellent backseat commentator who kept me laughing the whole time. Have I mentioned that people who make me laugh also make me happy?
4. Weight loss seems to be going well this week. See my comments above for the specifics. But I am happy to see results. I can only hope I see them on Friday morning for my official weigh-in.
5. I wrote a note on my brother's facebook wall and he actually replied. For those who don't know, he's almost 21. We don't communicate much. The only way I know what he's doing is facebook. And I think it's just sort of understood that his 37-year-old, uncool sister won't be commenting on his posts. I was really beyond happy. He might even make time to visit with me when I go home to Richmond this weekend. That would be so amazing.
The really good news is that I've stayed on track with my eating since last Friday. I haven't exercised as much as I should, but I've done better than normal. So that's good. And when I did a pre-weigh-in tonight, the results were good -- 1.4 pounds lost since last week. Let's hope the scale says the same thing on Friday morning ... or something even better. I'm so close to the 75 pounds lost mark. As of tonight, I'm at 73 pounds. Wow. Wow. Wow. When it comes to the big picture, I have a lot to be happy about.
I'm also starting to notice a few patterns now that I've been writing down my list for more than a week. Common themes include people who make me laugh, doing more physical activity, meeting new people, successes at work and losing weight. Yeah, those are pretty much the things that make me happy right now. Sounds pretty easy when you look at that list.
Here's my specific list for today.
1. For the first time in quite a few weeks, I dragged myself out of bed early enough this morning to walk before work. I've been so full of energy all day. I walked 1.8 miles, but could have done more if I had more time. I've been in a good mood all day and I think it's because of the walking.
2. For those not in journalism, this probably won't mean a lot. But it really made me happy. We had a designer at work put together advance layouts for Tuesday and Wednesday next week (Election Day and the day after). He's really fantastic. You give him vague instructions and he creates something wonderful. I'm so excited now for Election Day just because I know the papers are going to be so good.
3. I did one more thing to learn more about my community and to try to understand the people we cover in the newspaper. I attended a summit of downtown business/community leaders. The event wasn't all that exciting. But I did get three story ideas and sat next to an excellent backseat commentator who kept me laughing the whole time. Have I mentioned that people who make me laugh also make me happy?
4. Weight loss seems to be going well this week. See my comments above for the specifics. But I am happy to see results. I can only hope I see them on Friday morning for my official weigh-in.
5. I wrote a note on my brother's facebook wall and he actually replied. For those who don't know, he's almost 21. We don't communicate much. The only way I know what he's doing is facebook. And I think it's just sort of understood that his 37-year-old, uncool sister won't be commenting on his posts. I was really beyond happy. He might even make time to visit with me when I go home to Richmond this weekend. That would be so amazing.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
I just can't let it go
Something happened today that actually made me angry. In fact, my jaw muscles are still clenched thinking about it now. I don't get angry very often. I get frustrated. I get overwhelmed. I get flabbergasted. But I don't really get angry. Angry for me means I want to lock myself in a room and throw things. Of course, I've never done that. But that's what it's like in my head at that moment. Anyway, I'm having trouble letting it go. I'm just so mad. I want to stomp my feet. I want to scream. And then I want to kick myself because I could have prevented the problem a week ago and didn't. Yes, I blame myself.
All that said, lots of good things happened today. So here's today's list of things I'm happy about.
1. I went to a forum tonight for local candidates. I felt like a nerd for spending two hours of my time there, but I take voting very seriously. I want to be informed. Truth is, I laughed more during the forum than I do while watching TV. It didn't hurt that two of our reporters were there to help keep me entertained. I definitely found some candidates I like and some I don't. But it made me happy to see them in person and really try to pay attention to what they were saying.
2. I started my day amused and I'm ending it amused. I may have mentioned this before, but I'm easily amused. It's usually something witty someone said. That's really all it takes to make me smile or smirk. It's those little things that make the day more interesting.
3. This is really going to make me sound like a loser, but oh well. And I hope the people affected by this don't mind being part of the plan. I decided recently that I'm going to try to go to lunch once a week with someone who doesn't work at the StarNews. Three weeks so far and I made plans today for next week. I swear it's not as calculated as it sounds. It's just that part of my journey is going outside the box. Plus, the people I've chosen so far are important to my job. And it turns out it's fun to not work straight through lunch every day and to talk to people about other stuff, including what's important to them. So I'm happy to be focused on new people.
4. I was really happy this morning when I was trying to decide what to wear to work. I have a vest that I used to love. Of course, I haven't been able to wear it for about 10 years. I can't even believe I still own it. When I first started losing weight, I tried it on every couple of weeks. Too small. Then I went about two months without trying it on. For some reason, I put it on this morning. Too big. That felt so amazing. It was the one piece of clothing from way back that used to fit but didn't now. IT'S TOO BIG! Yes, I'm happy.
5. I asked one of my reporters for advice today and ended up with a solution to two problems. I'm happy that I trusted the person and I really feel like I got a different perspective on things. Maybe I should talk to the reporters more. Haha.
All that said, lots of good things happened today. So here's today's list of things I'm happy about.
1. I went to a forum tonight for local candidates. I felt like a nerd for spending two hours of my time there, but I take voting very seriously. I want to be informed. Truth is, I laughed more during the forum than I do while watching TV. It didn't hurt that two of our reporters were there to help keep me entertained. I definitely found some candidates I like and some I don't. But it made me happy to see them in person and really try to pay attention to what they were saying.
2. I started my day amused and I'm ending it amused. I may have mentioned this before, but I'm easily amused. It's usually something witty someone said. That's really all it takes to make me smile or smirk. It's those little things that make the day more interesting.
3. This is really going to make me sound like a loser, but oh well. And I hope the people affected by this don't mind being part of the plan. I decided recently that I'm going to try to go to lunch once a week with someone who doesn't work at the StarNews. Three weeks so far and I made plans today for next week. I swear it's not as calculated as it sounds. It's just that part of my journey is going outside the box. Plus, the people I've chosen so far are important to my job. And it turns out it's fun to not work straight through lunch every day and to talk to people about other stuff, including what's important to them. So I'm happy to be focused on new people.
4. I was really happy this morning when I was trying to decide what to wear to work. I have a vest that I used to love. Of course, I haven't been able to wear it for about 10 years. I can't even believe I still own it. When I first started losing weight, I tried it on every couple of weeks. Too small. Then I went about two months without trying it on. For some reason, I put it on this morning. Too big. That felt so amazing. It was the one piece of clothing from way back that used to fit but didn't now. IT'S TOO BIG! Yes, I'm happy.
5. I asked one of my reporters for advice today and ended up with a solution to two problems. I'm happy that I trusted the person and I really feel like I got a different perspective on things. Maybe I should talk to the reporters more. Haha.
Monday, October 25, 2010
The happy list returns
I took a break from blogging over the weekend, so I didn't actually write down the things that made me happy each day. But there were plenty of things. I had a nice weekend. Very relaxing and I walked/jogged a lot more than normal. I also made a couple of new things to eat -- pumpkin smoothies and pumpkin crepes. Both were very yummy.
Anyway, here's today's list.
1. I had a nice lunch with a new acquaintance -- someone we often write about in the newspaper. I was happy to meet the person and get to know more about what he does. I definitely have a different perspective and genuinely enjoyed meeting someone new.
2. I was reminded by a note from a friend today of the moment I decided I was going to try to focus on things that make me happy. It's funny because I can remember asking the person (who was an intern at the paper this past summer) why he's so happy all the time. Somehow, his positive attitude rubbed off in just a couple of months. When I'm struggling to be happy and positive, I think about what he would say and I feel better.
3. I got a new picture taken today. It caused quite a bit of commotion in the office because I don't think it was very good and I didn't want to post the one where I'm really smiling. I eventually posted it on facebook, but I'm not happy about it. What I am happy about is how supportive so many friends were. There were so many compliments about how far I've come. Sure, I kind of asked for the attention by posting on facebook ... but people didn't have to say anything. So I was flattered and happy people took the time. It meant a lot.
4. I found myself in a frustrating and difficult situation today. I'm happy that I didn't lose my cool and I was the one who offered a solution. I really am happy when I get backed into a corner and I'm not defensive.
5. Finally, I'm happy I didn't have to cook dinner. I had leftover chicken with potatoes, artichokes and mushrooms. It was delicious and wonderful comfort food on this rainy night. Yes, sometimes something as simple as not having to cook dinner makes me happy. Oh, and I think I'm going to make more pumpkin crepes for dessert. Who wouldn't be happy about that?
Anyway, here's today's list.
1. I had a nice lunch with a new acquaintance -- someone we often write about in the newspaper. I was happy to meet the person and get to know more about what he does. I definitely have a different perspective and genuinely enjoyed meeting someone new.
2. I was reminded by a note from a friend today of the moment I decided I was going to try to focus on things that make me happy. It's funny because I can remember asking the person (who was an intern at the paper this past summer) why he's so happy all the time. Somehow, his positive attitude rubbed off in just a couple of months. When I'm struggling to be happy and positive, I think about what he would say and I feel better.
3. I got a new picture taken today. It caused quite a bit of commotion in the office because I don't think it was very good and I didn't want to post the one where I'm really smiling. I eventually posted it on facebook, but I'm not happy about it. What I am happy about is how supportive so many friends were. There were so many compliments about how far I've come. Sure, I kind of asked for the attention by posting on facebook ... but people didn't have to say anything. So I was flattered and happy people took the time. It meant a lot.
4. I found myself in a frustrating and difficult situation today. I'm happy that I didn't lose my cool and I was the one who offered a solution. I really am happy when I get backed into a corner and I'm not defensive.
5. Finally, I'm happy I didn't have to cook dinner. I had leftover chicken with potatoes, artichokes and mushrooms. It was delicious and wonderful comfort food on this rainy night. Yes, sometimes something as simple as not having to cook dinner makes me happy. Oh, and I think I'm going to make more pumpkin crepes for dessert. Who wouldn't be happy about that?
Before and after photos
So I've been having a photographer at work take a new headshot every time I lose 25 pounds. I'm not quite at 75 pounds, but pretty close. So he did the new photo today. I don't love it. And he wanted me to use one where I'm pretty much laughing. I just couldn't do it. Here are all four photos. I'm not feeling quite as good about it as I thought I would. Oh well, maybe I'll feel different when I get the next one taken.
 | |
| 72 pounds lost |
 | |
| 50 pounds lost |
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| 25 pounds lost |
 |
| 0 pounds lost |
Friday, October 22, 2010
The happy list
I know today's not over, but I am about to turn off my computer for the day. (Well, probably for the day.) So here's today's list of things that made me happy.
1. It's Friday. I got a lot of work done in the office today, which means I'm mentally prepared to relax for the next two days. And I left after only 8 1/2 hours. Yes, that makes me happy.
2. I'm happy that a week from today I'll be in Richmond visiting my family. The trip will be brief, but I haven't seen my dad, grandmother and brother since April.
3. I did a nice thing for one of my reporters today. He's been taking on extra assignments all week, which has made me very happy. Today, I did a small piece of his job.
4. I ate two bites of the most delicious crustless pumpkin pie. It was basically pumpkin pie filling baked inside pumpkins. It was so yummy and, apparently, pretty good for me. It was made from real pumpkin, honey, molasses and spices. The only thing that would have made me happier at that moment would have been to eat more ... but I didn't.
5. I lost a pound this week. I know I said I was disappointed in my post this morning, but overall I am happy. The big picture is that I lost another pound. As long as I'm losing each week, I'm making progress. And I wore a pair of jeans in a size I haven't worn since high school. And I got a lot of compliments. Very happy and flattered.
1. It's Friday. I got a lot of work done in the office today, which means I'm mentally prepared to relax for the next two days. And I left after only 8 1/2 hours. Yes, that makes me happy.
2. I'm happy that a week from today I'll be in Richmond visiting my family. The trip will be brief, but I haven't seen my dad, grandmother and brother since April.
3. I did a nice thing for one of my reporters today. He's been taking on extra assignments all week, which has made me very happy. Today, I did a small piece of his job.
4. I ate two bites of the most delicious crustless pumpkin pie. It was basically pumpkin pie filling baked inside pumpkins. It was so yummy and, apparently, pretty good for me. It was made from real pumpkin, honey, molasses and spices. The only thing that would have made me happier at that moment would have been to eat more ... but I didn't.
5. I lost a pound this week. I know I said I was disappointed in my post this morning, but overall I am happy. The big picture is that I lost another pound. As long as I'm losing each week, I'm making progress. And I wore a pair of jeans in a size I haven't worn since high school. And I got a lot of compliments. Very happy and flattered.
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