Biggest Loser challenge 2011

As most of you probably already know, my weight-loss journey began last January when some of my colleagues started a Biggest Loser challenge in the office. I signed up on a whim, but it's obviously worked out well so far. I came in fourth overall during the first round and I won the second round.


We're doing it again this year. The first official weigh-in was supposed to be this past Friday. But I didn't actually weigh-in on the scale at work until today. Clearly, that scale is not my friend. But for the purposes of the challenge, I will start using the number each week for my weekly weigh-ins.

So I'm starting at 193.8 pounds. I was at 271.8 pounds when we started last year. Wow!. Any time I need something to be happy about, I know I need to simply look at how far I've come. And I'm not giving up. I am, however, going to revise my goal. The challenge ends on April 29, so I want to lose 15 pounds between now and then. It's ambitious, but I think I can do it.

To get things started, I thought I'd have new photos taken. My friend Paul Stephen, a photographer at the StarNews, was kind enough to make me look good. So here they are. When the challenge ends, I'll post more photos.

Until then, I'm hoping this latest round of competition will keep me motivated. As you know, I've struggled a little bit lately. But I love the new photos and I'm sure my competitive spirit will kick in.

Wish me luck!

I'm not stupid!

So I had meltdown yesterday. I'm working so hard at not letting that happen. But it did. I was tempted to beat myself up and wallow in self-pity. Luckily, I'm getting smarter as I go through this journey.

Even before I went to sleep last night, I felt better. I'd convinced myself that my freak out wasn't a big deal and that the end result was for the best. And I woke up this morning feeling strong in my resolve to move on. I'm not stupid! I don't even know why I'm letting this one particular thing make me crazy and make me do things I wouldn't normally do. So I'm putting yesterday behind me. It helps that a very supportive friend didn't call me crazy when I explained the situation to her and she actually made me feel quite normal. Yes, once again, I'm thankful for the people who are willing to help me through this process. I only hope they know how much their support means to me.

It's been a good day. I've had some self-esteem issues, though. I hardly bought anything when I was shopping today even though everything I tried on was in a smaller size than I've been wearing. I know I should be happy about that. Generally speaking, a size 14 fits me now. I haven't worn that size since high school. I tried on five dresses and they all fit. I didn't buy any of them. Something in my brain stopped me because I don't have anywhere to wear them. Makes me feel pathetic.

But I digress. The point here is that I feel like I recovered from yesterday's breakdown fairly quickly. I think that's a good sign. My mindset right now is positive yet tentative. Does that make sense? I feel good, but I don't yet know how long it will last so I'm being cautious. The one thing I know is that I've felt more centered today than I have in some time. And that's definitely something to be happy about.

Pulling it together

I know it's been less than two hours since I wrote that I was about to lose my mind. So you're probably going to think I'm a little bipolar at this point when I say I'm pulling it together already. Here's the thing. I've been writing for weeks about wanting to overcome a specific obsessive-compulsive behavior. Again, I'm sorry that I'm not comfortable giving details. But as I said in the beginning, I'm worried about failure.

I made it exactly three weeks without freaking out in my head. So when it happened tonight, I was caught off guard. I didn't expect it, especially since I thought I was doing so much better. What I've realized since then, though, is that the trigger that causes the obsessive-compulsive behavior really wasn't present. Maybe on a small scale, but it wasn't hitting me over the head until tonight.

Here's my point ... if I can regain my rational thinking soon (perhaps simply by writing about it), that will be progress. The last time I freaked out, it took me two days to get past it -- two days where I barely left the house or talked to anyone. The time before that, it took even longer. I figure that if my recovery time gets shorter with each episode, then I am actually doing better. Right?

So I'm taking a few deep breaths and trying to find something else to focus on. I'm not ignoring the problem, but I am trying to distract my brain. I've got to find a way to deal with it and let it go. Ideally, I'd eliminate the trigger. That's not likely, so I've got to find a way to change how my brain reacts to it.

BAM! I didn't see that coming

It's been exactly three weeks since my last obsessive-compulsive freak out. Bam! Out of the blue, I feel like I might lose my mind.

It's been a weird week. But for the most part, I feel like I've kept it together. Not been too crazy. A little down in the dumps. But all in all, pretty good. Eating habits were good until today. Lots of walking.

Ugh! So why is it that just when I think I've let it go, something happens and I feel right back where I started? Seriously, I was thinking yesterday that I might be ready to blog about how I had let it go. It might have taken me almost two months, but I thought I did it.

Now, I'm beating myself up over it. I know I shouldn't. And it has nothing to do with my weight loss journey. But it is all about my mental journey. I want so badly to overcome this one thing.

It's just so frustrating that I can't will myself to get past it. Three weeks of effort wasted. Oh well. I guess I'll start again tomorrow.

Weekly weigh-in: The needle is moving

Last week's weight: 192
This week's weight: 190
Difference: -2
Total lost: 81.8

I've had a bit of stress this week and I haven't been sleeping well. But the good news is that my eating habits have been very good. And I've walked five of the past seven days (a total of 15 miles). So it paid off. I lost two pounds. As I've said before, I don't expect to lose that much each week. But it sure feels good. I feel like the extra effort this week was worth it. Only 8.2 pounds to go before April 1. I can do it. I know I can. Wish me luck.

Into the volcano I go

For the past couple of days, lines from my favorite movie (Joe Versus the Volcano) keep popping into my head. I don't know if I'm just thinking of them because of whatever's happening at that moment or for some other reason. Anyway, as I was walking tonight, I thought of the scene where the two main characters are about to jump into a volcano. Patricia says to Joe: "We'll take this leap, and we'll see. We'll jump, and we'll see. That's life, right?"

I feel like my life has become about jumping into the volcano. By nature, I don't think I'm a risk-taker. My whole life I've been the one who analyzes everything, usually driving myself crazy in my head. These days, however, I seem to be leaping ... sometimes without thinking.

I'd like to think that I'm smart about taking risks. But I must admit that every now and then I do something really stupid. It happens. What I like about simply jumping is that you never know what might happen. I used to always expect the worst, which is why I never jumped. Now, I tend to think about the good possibilities. And I often find that I'm pleasantly surprised.

I've talked a lot about experiencing new things this past year. I think that's about taking risks. With just a few exceptions, nothing bad has happened. In fact, as you know if you are a regular reader, I'm having so much fun. Am I ready to jump into a volcano? Well, not a real one. But I am taking more and more leaps of faith and I like it. 

Something's off

I'm having a good week -- on track with eating and exercise. I've even had a few mental successes. So why do I feel like I'm struggling? My sleep patterns over the past week have been all over the place. The one thing I know is that something feels off.

I can't quite put my finger on it. Given that my life these days is filled with all sorts of new experiences, I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I'm having trouble establishing a routine. I feel like I start each day preparing myself for the unexpected. I'm fond of telling people that I don't like surprises. Really, though, I love good, fun, happy surprises. What I don't like are the surprises that involve stress or bad news and things that catch me off guard.

Luckily, I spend all my time analyzing possibilities in my head so I'm rarely caught off guard. But I also think that might have something to do with why I don't sleep well. Too many thoughts all jumping around in my brain at once. Sometimes I just want my mind to be quiet.

If I'm being honest, I think part of the problem is uncertainty and insecurity. And those things lead to anxiety. I also get impatient because my progress has slowed. I can see where I want to be and it's just not happening fast enough.

All I can do, though, is keep plugging along. I'm hoping that consistency will pay off. I'm also hoping that I'll find something that gives me that feeling of stability and comfort.