Can I quote you on that?

Since I was just lamenting this weekend about things people say that make me feel bad about myself, I thought I should give the positive feedback a little attention. Twice at work today people made comments in passing that really made me feel good about where I'm at in my life right now.

One person commented on how good I looked today. That meant a lot because I was wearing a new outfit. Nothing fancy, just capri pants and a shirt. But I felt good because the clothes fit and they made me feel smaller. And it was really nice that someone noticed. The other person was just walking by me in the newsroom and said I seemed really happy. My reply: "I am! One more day until vacation."

But then I got to thinking. Despite a few struggles here and there, I am happy. I get down in the dumps sometimes, but it doesn't usually last very long. And most of that happens when I have too much time on my hands. As long as I stay busy, I'm happy.

Anyway, I hope my friends don't mind being quoted on my blog. At least I did it anonymously. It just nice to get attention for how hard I'm working at losing weight and at finding happiness. So to those people, I say thank you. You made my day!

A mish-mash of emotions

I woke up this morning in a really bad mood. No real reason that I can think of. I'm just grumpy. So, as usual, I started analyzing what could be causing me to feel this way. Sugar!!! That seems to be my favorite subject lately. I think that's because I'm finally understanding how it affects me physically and mentally. Sure, it tastes great, but I always end up feeling terrible after eating something sweet.

And, of course, today I'm craving sugar. It's like a drug. One taste and I just want more. But what am I supposed to do? How can I give it up completely? Plus, I know that I can eat anything I want as long as I don't do it often and I don't eat too much. Sometimes, though, it seems like it might be easier to simply decide that I won't eat anything with sugar. I can be pretty stubborn and regimented when I make up my mind about something. I haven't decided what to do. I'm just thinking about it.

The other thing that has me feeling a bit down are a couple of comments made to me this week. I know I spend a lot of time talking about what I'm eating and whether it's good for me. I also tend to express my concern when I splurge. Yet, I are cake twice this week anyway.

The comments were from people trying to help, I think, but they the result was that I felt bad about myself. Basically, when I was talking about splurging and not walking as much because of the heat, one person told me that I would just have to get up early in the mornings and walk. The other person told me that I really should be me careful over the next week about what I eat because I'm about to go on vacation.

Neither person meant to make me feel bad, but they did. And I obviously can't stop thinking about what they said. It's like they think it would be awful for me to gain a couple of pounds or to not continue losing weight. I don't fault these people for what they said. After all, how are they supposed to respond? I talk about my weight a lot. I'm sure they're just trying to be part of the conversation. But it isn't helping my self-esteem.

Speaking of self-esteem, I'm still struggling to see myself as I am now. But I'm making progress. Some days, I look in the mirror and I can see how my body has changed. And my clothes size continues to get smaller. My brain understands that losing more than 85 pounds means I've changed a lot. Most days, I don't see it, though. I see the same person I've seen since I was a teenager.

I had a bit of a moment this past week, though, when I saw a picture taken on Monday. I was surprised to see how much smaller I looked. I've actually looked at the photo several times this week trying to figure out if I really look that way in real life. I know that sounds crazy. For a brief moment, my confidence was boosted. It hasn't lasted, but I think it's a good sign.

So I don't know what the rest of this day will bring. I can only hope that the depression I'm feeling this morning subsides quickly. Well, and I hope I can keep my eating under control.

Weekly weigh-in: Better than I deserve

Last week's weight: 187
This week's weight: 186.6
Difference: -0.4
Total weight lost: 85.2

I'm baffled yet thrilled to have lost weight this week. Considering my splurges on martinis, wine, chocolate-covered almonds and cake this week, the result is better than I deserve. I really wouldn't have been surprised to have gained a little. But I'm going to be happy about the loss and move forward. Maybe this is the weight-loss gods making up for all those weeks when I feel like I tried so hard and didn't lose anything.

The funny part is that I actually weighed seven times this morning and 186.6 came up twice and it was the highest number, so that's what I'm going with as the official number this week. Plus, I know I've got my work cut out for in this next week. The holiday weekend offers several opportunities for overeating/drinking and at the end of next week, I'm taking a vacation to Asheville, which will surely involve quite a few indulgences.

My goal right now is to simply not gain over the next two weeks. I still have 4.8 pounds to lose by July 1 to reach my short-term goal. That's not going to be easy, but I think it's possible ... if I don't overdo it on vacation.

Feeling just peachy

I ate a fresh peach for the first time in years. I seriously I can't remember the last time I ate a fresh peach. Maybe not since I was a kid. And I can't tell how delicious it was. So juicy and sweet. That got me to thinking about how different my eating habits really are now.

Two years ago, I hardly ever ate fruit of any sort. I did better with vegetables, but I'd say my diet mainly consisted of pasta, rice, meat, cheese and sugary/starchy snacks. Now, I eat more fruits and vegetables every day than anything else.

It's even weird how I came to eat the peach. A co-worker wanted to go get coffee this morning. We do this from time to time ... usually heading to the Harris Teeter at Longleaf Mall because it has a Starbucks but we can also grab something for lunch. I often make a salad, but it was a little early for lunch today. For some reason, the peaches just jumped out at me. I didn't eat it until after lunch, but it felt like a real treat.

It's important for me to find foods that satisfy me, especially when I'm craving something sweet. I'm trying really hard to cutback on sugar, but it's not easy. I devoured about 20 dark chocolate-covered almonds last night. In fact, I've had weird cravings lately -- mostly I want things like ice cream and carrot cake. No big surprise. Obviously, I'm craving sugar.

I'm not giving up sugar completely because I just don't see that happening. But I am doing well. Speaking of doing well, my pre-weigh-in today was pretty good again. I weighed what I weighed on Friday. Given that I've slipped a few times this week in my eating habits, I think that's good. Of course, though, I'm really hoping that I've lost something by Friday. I just need to keep it together through tomorrow.

'Do I feel lucky?'

Not too bad for a first-timer.

I've blogged a lot in the past year and a half about how part of this journey is about trying new things. Tonight, I joined two of my friends for ladies' night at a local shooting range. I'd shot a BB gun as a kid, but never a real gun. I actually hate guns and wish people didn't feel the need to own them. But I also sort of felt like I shoot learn to shoot a gun and do it just for the experience of it.

I was quite nervous going into it. But the instructor was very nice. We went through a 30-minute class where I learned some interesting facts about guns and bullets. And I learned to load a magazine and how to aim properly. Right away, I noticed that the gun -- a .22 caliber -- was heavier than I expected and the bullets were smaller. Once I had the feel of the gun, I felt pretty comfortable.

Inside the firing range, I felt at ease. I loaded my gun and aimed at the pink and purple target 15 feet in front of me. I fired 10 times and the hardest part was aiming. I was slightly, so I adjusted. All-in-all, I don't think I did too bad. After 30 shots, the instructor told me to start aiming for the smaller target. All total, I fired 80 bullets and 75 hit the paper somewhere. One even hit the yellow bullseye in the smaller target. Woohoo! The lesson ended with us aiming for a balloon 75 feet away. It took me 5 shots to pop it. I think that was about average.

I'm glad I did it because it was fun, but I came away noting, once again, that I don't like guns. I'd probably go to the firing range again with friends, but it's not exactly the kind of thing I plan to do on a regular basis. I'm no Dirty Harry, but I think that with a little practice, I could probably improve my aim.

Recipe: Chicken with peas and rice

Chicken with peas and rice

Ingredients
1 pound chicken breasts
1 teaspoon Trader Joe's 21 Seasonings (If you don't have this, Italian seasoning would be fine.)
1 teaspoon chopped garlic
1 cup frozen peas
1 package Trader Joe's Rice Pilaf (If you don't have this, a different brand would work.)

Prepare rice according to package directions, leaving out butter or oil. Cut chicken into bite-sized pieces. Spray saute pan with cooking spray and cook chicken until no longer pink in the middle. Add peas and garlic and cook for about 2 minutes. Combine rice, chicken and peas in a large serving dish. Makes four servings. (If you want to make this ahead of time, you can combine it in a large casserole dish and keep it warm in the oven. If you do this, add a couple of tablespoons of water to make sure the rice doesn't dry out.)

Recipe: Perfect Pasta

I love pasta, but it's not so good for my weight-loss efforts. During my journey, I've experimented with a lot of recipes. My goal is to find ways to have pasta but it small amounts. That means using a lot of other ingredients, mostly veggies, to fill me up. Here's a new one I'm trying for dinner tonight. The only thing that would make it better would be mozzarella cheese on top, but then it wouldn't be quite as good for me.

Ingredients
4 al fresco brand spinach and feta chicken sausage links
1 cup chopped mushrooms (I prefer portabello, but I used button today because they were on sale, so any kind are fine.)
1 teaspoon chopped garlic (fresh or pre-chopped from a jar is fine.)
Two 15 oz. cans diced tomatoes (If you buy the kind with seasonings, you don't need to add the spices below.)
1 package frozen spinach (Fresh would be better, but frozen is what I had.)
2 cups frozen broccoli florets
A sprinkle of salt, pepper, oregano, rosemary, basil, parsley, dried onion
8 oz. uncooked whole-wheat penne pasta

Cook pasta according to package directions. Slice chicken sausage into rounds and lightly brown in a saute pan. Add mushrooms and garlic. Cook about 5 minutes. Add tomatoes. Thaw spinach and broccoli in microwave according to package directions. Add both to sausage mixture. Heat thoroughly. Combine with cooked pasta in a large casserole dish. Cover with foil and bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes. Makes six servings.