A moment of weakness

I had a weak moment today and it didn't involve food. Instead, it involved my ex-boyfriend. I was just saying recently how it confused me that a month after we broke up, he was still clicking on my match.com profile every few days. Well, I looked at his today. He had a new photo and I simply couldn't resist the urge to see what else he might have changed. I swear I'm not stalking him and I feel like a total hypocrite. I want so badly not to think about him anymore, but I can't stop myself. And, yes, I'm embarrassed to admit I looked at his profile, but I tend to find that blogging about whatever's bothering me helps me get past it.

So I was thinking today about what I would say if I had the chance to talk to him again. I know that's not a healthy thought process, but I can't simply erase him from my brain. The first thing I'd tell him is that I'm sorry it didn't work out and that I'm sorry I was so blunt and dismissive when we actually broke up. I really liked him and enjoyed the time we spent together, so I didn't handle the two days it took for us to actually break up very well. In hindsight, I realize that he wasn't trying to hurt my feelings. In fact, it was quite the opposite. But I couldn't see past how hurt I felt.

I'd probably also tell him that even though our time together wasn't perfect and I feel like it ended badly, I believe I will look back on it fondly. I have good memories from lots of little moments and I can only hope he does too. Finally, I'd tell him that I wish we could have stayed friends. He's a genuinely nice and fun person and I'm sorry that he's not in my life at all now.

I think the point I'm getting at is that every day the hurt I felt gets less, which allows me to think about the relationship in a positive light. But, of course, then that's not so easy either because I miss the good times we had together. At least there were good times and I'm going to try to keep those memories and forget the rest. That's probably the only way for me to truly move on.