Every day is a struggle

A friend commented one day this past week that she noticed I hadn't blogged lately. I told her I didn't have anything new to say because I'd made no progress with my weight-loss efforts. Well, I actually have a lot to say. I just worry about coming across as too negative.

I've made zero progress in the past month. In fact, I've lost ground. As of this past Friday (my weigh-in day every week for almost four years now), I weighed 185 pounds. The first Friday in December last year, I weighed 173.6 pounds. The gain over the past year is disappointing, frustrating and depressing. If you look back two years, the first Friday in December 2011, I weighed 182.2.

When I see these numbers, I want to cry. I feel like I've worked so hard in the past two years and to realize that I've actually gained weight is something I struggle with daily now. It makes me feel like I've wasted two years of my life.

It doesn't help that about a year ago, I decided it was time to start dating again and that hasn't gone as well as I'd hoped. If you follow my blog, you know I've been using match.com. Since my breakup about two months ago, I've gone on two dates.

One wasn't really a date because it was lunch and it was with someone I had met through match.com before I started dating my last boyfriend. We met that one time and then I didn't hear from him for three weeks. And even then it was a random text. Clearly, he wasn't interested in dating me.

The second person started with a few emails, then talking on the phone daily for a week. I felt uncertain about meeting him, but I finally agreed to dinner. I liked talking on the phone with him, so I figured it was best to meet in person and find out for sure if we were a match. The date was fine and he was very nice and flattering.

Unfortunately, it took that one date for me to realize that I'm not over my ex. Well, that date and dreaming about my ex the past two Saturday nights. I don't know what the universe is trying to tell me, but I am surprised that I miss being with him so much. We were only together five months and we've been broken up a little over two months. The rational side of my brain tells me it's time to move on. The irrational side keeps wondering why I wasn't good enough for him.

You can probably see how this, coupled with the weight gain, is causing serious self-esteem problems. And that, of course, leads to self-loathing, which I think is pushing me dangerously close to depression. See, this is the part I was worried would be too negative. I'm not happy with my life right now, but my nature is to keep analyzing what's not working until I find a solution.

When I started this blog, I was experiencing great success in my weight-loss journey, which led to happiness in other areas of my life. I blogged about my accomplishments and the obstacles I'd overcome to achieve success. The hard part now is that I seem to be experiencing only failures and that's much harder to share publicly.