I haven't blogged for two weeks because my thoughts haven't been in a good place and I decided that I was tired of using my blog to whine about how bad I felt. One byproduct of my weight-loss journey has been self-awareness. Sometimes, I annoy myself when I let self-doubt and low self-esteem rule my thoughts so I figure others must get tired of it.
The problem is that I don't know how to change the image in my head. A couple of weeks ago, I saw a photo of myself taken a year or two before I started trying to lose weight. I wasn't even at my heaviest. What was strange is that the person I saw in that photo is often the person I still see when I look in the mirror.
I'm extremely unhappy about my weight gain in the past year (between 12 and 15 pounds), but I'm even more disappointed in the mental setbacks. Something has to change. And all I know to do is try -- again -- to start over and make smarter choices.
When I eat better and exercise, I feel better and I'm happier. It's that simple. I can't turn back the clock, so I just have to look forward starting today. I know the secrets to my success in the past -- mostly diligence and determination -- can help me resume my weight loss.
I also know that a positive attitude will help. I have to find a way to banish the negative thoughts about myself and to improve my self-image. This is the part I haven't exactly figured out, but I'm going to try. As I approach the four-year anniversary of when I started this journey, I've realized that I've been happier during this time than I have in my life. So despite the low times, it's all worth it.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Monday, October 28, 2013
A moment of weakness
I had a weak moment today and it didn't involve food. Instead, it involved my ex-boyfriend. I was just saying recently how it confused me that a month after we broke up, he was still clicking on my match.com profile every few days. Well, I looked at his today. He had a new photo and I simply couldn't resist the urge to see what else he might have changed. I swear I'm not stalking him and I feel like a total hypocrite. I want so badly not to think about him anymore, but I can't stop myself. And, yes, I'm embarrassed to admit I looked at his profile, but I tend to find that blogging about whatever's bothering me helps me get past it.
So I was thinking today about what I would say if I had the chance to talk to him again. I know that's not a healthy thought process, but I can't simply erase him from my brain. The first thing I'd tell him is that I'm sorry it didn't work out and that I'm sorry I was so blunt and dismissive when we actually broke up. I really liked him and enjoyed the time we spent together, so I didn't handle the two days it took for us to actually break up very well. In hindsight, I realize that he wasn't trying to hurt my feelings. In fact, it was quite the opposite. But I couldn't see past how hurt I felt.
I'd probably also tell him that even though our time together wasn't perfect and I feel like it ended badly, I believe I will look back on it fondly. I have good memories from lots of little moments and I can only hope he does too. Finally, I'd tell him that I wish we could have stayed friends. He's a genuinely nice and fun person and I'm sorry that he's not in my life at all now.
I think the point I'm getting at is that every day the hurt I felt gets less, which allows me to think about the relationship in a positive light. But, of course, then that's not so easy either because I miss the good times we had together. At least there were good times and I'm going to try to keep those memories and forget the rest. That's probably the only way for me to truly move on.
So I was thinking today about what I would say if I had the chance to talk to him again. I know that's not a healthy thought process, but I can't simply erase him from my brain. The first thing I'd tell him is that I'm sorry it didn't work out and that I'm sorry I was so blunt and dismissive when we actually broke up. I really liked him and enjoyed the time we spent together, so I didn't handle the two days it took for us to actually break up very well. In hindsight, I realize that he wasn't trying to hurt my feelings. In fact, it was quite the opposite. But I couldn't see past how hurt I felt.
I'd probably also tell him that even though our time together wasn't perfect and I feel like it ended badly, I believe I will look back on it fondly. I have good memories from lots of little moments and I can only hope he does too. Finally, I'd tell him that I wish we could have stayed friends. He's a genuinely nice and fun person and I'm sorry that he's not in my life at all now.
I think the point I'm getting at is that every day the hurt I felt gets less, which allows me to think about the relationship in a positive light. But, of course, then that's not so easy either because I miss the good times we had together. At least there were good times and I'm going to try to keep those memories and forget the rest. That's probably the only way for me to truly move on.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Weekly weigh-in: My ho-hum life
Last week's weight: 184.2
This week's weight: 183.6
Difference: -0.6
Total weight lost since January 2010: 88.2
So I'm glad I lost a little again this week, but the scale (for once) was very kind. If you looked at what I ate this past week, you'd understand my surprise. I did well early in the week, but then the mini candy bars and Cheez-Its got the better of me. I did exercise a little, though, so I'm happy about that.
Overall, I just feel like my life has become boring. I go to work. I eat. I sleep. Don't get me wrong. Sometimes, I do fun things with my friends. But then there are all the other hours and days that my life just feels very ho-hum.
I need something fun and exciting to focus my energy on. Or maybe what I really need is something that makes me feel good about myself. Instead, I just feel blah, blah, blah all the time.
As usual, it's not all bad news. Emotionally, I've felt better this week than I have in a month (since the breakup), so I'm happy about that. I'm hoping that means I've turned the corner and I'm ready to let go. I guess only time will tell.
This week's weight: 183.6
Difference: -0.6
Total weight lost since January 2010: 88.2
So I'm glad I lost a little again this week, but the scale (for once) was very kind. If you looked at what I ate this past week, you'd understand my surprise. I did well early in the week, but then the mini candy bars and Cheez-Its got the better of me. I did exercise a little, though, so I'm happy about that.
Overall, I just feel like my life has become boring. I go to work. I eat. I sleep. Don't get me wrong. Sometimes, I do fun things with my friends. But then there are all the other hours and days that my life just feels very ho-hum.
I need something fun and exciting to focus my energy on. Or maybe what I really need is something that makes me feel good about myself. Instead, I just feel blah, blah, blah all the time.
As usual, it's not all bad news. Emotionally, I've felt better this week than I have in a month (since the breakup), so I'm happy about that. I'm hoping that means I've turned the corner and I'm ready to let go. I guess only time will tell.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
It's not raining men!
At least not at my house. The only rain I've seen lately is the wet stuff falling from the sky.
And I'm really tired of it. I got rained on at the Heart Walk yesterday.
Then I got rained on walking at the beach this morning. Does it really
have to rain every day?
Breaking up with someone I really cared about is depressing enough. Suffering through it with barely a ray of sunshine during the past couple of weeks is just making things worse. It's making me feel downright gloomy.
As a result, I'm having trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. About three weeks ago (and only a week after the breakup), I decided to seriously give online dating another try. I'm still waffling about whether I'm even ready to date someone new because, if I'm honest, I find that any person who shows a bit of interest gets compared to my ex and I end up thinking about how I wish we'd never broken up.
But it's been a month. I think it's time for me to accept that he's not going to suddenly realize he made a mistake. Yes, in the beginning, I admit that I hoped that would happen. I thought we were a good match and I thought that maybe he just needed a little time apart to see that. Obviously, I was wrong.
So I'm back to trying to find someone new through online dating. It's really not going well so far because I haven't even found a single I want to meet in person. My "profile" has been viewed nearly 300 times in the past three weeks. And I've gotten likes, winks and emails from about a dozen people. Is that good?
I've actually been interested in only two of those people. I've been emailing with one person for about three weeks. I'd consider our conversations to be barely on the verge of small talk. Each email has been a few sentences and we basically just talk about whether we had a good week or what we did over the weekend. So boring. Then there was this other guy. He seemed promising. We exchanged a few emails and then we started texting. This went on for about a week and then he up and disappeared. His profile is hidden on match.com now and I haven't received a text in a week. Guess he found someone else. He could have at least told me that.
Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I feel like I should address the fact that my ex is also using match.com. That is how we met in the first place, so I'm not surprised. What's surprising is that every few days, he shows up in the list of people who've viewed my profile. This confuses me. So I click on his profile ... as if that's somehow going to explain why he's looking at my profile. I know I should just delete him from the list or block him or whatever, but I can't because I still care about him.
And that, ultimately, is why I can't move on. A friend recently shared an article about how to move forward after someone breaks your heart. I'm not sure I agree with everything it says, but I thought it was interesting. So here it is: http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-11276/3-steps-to-move-forward-after-someone-breaks-your-heart.html. Maybe I need to read it again. :-)
Breaking up with someone I really cared about is depressing enough. Suffering through it with barely a ray of sunshine during the past couple of weeks is just making things worse. It's making me feel downright gloomy.
As a result, I'm having trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. About three weeks ago (and only a week after the breakup), I decided to seriously give online dating another try. I'm still waffling about whether I'm even ready to date someone new because, if I'm honest, I find that any person who shows a bit of interest gets compared to my ex and I end up thinking about how I wish we'd never broken up.
But it's been a month. I think it's time for me to accept that he's not going to suddenly realize he made a mistake. Yes, in the beginning, I admit that I hoped that would happen. I thought we were a good match and I thought that maybe he just needed a little time apart to see that. Obviously, I was wrong.
So I'm back to trying to find someone new through online dating. It's really not going well so far because I haven't even found a single I want to meet in person. My "profile" has been viewed nearly 300 times in the past three weeks. And I've gotten likes, winks and emails from about a dozen people. Is that good?
I've actually been interested in only two of those people. I've been emailing with one person for about three weeks. I'd consider our conversations to be barely on the verge of small talk. Each email has been a few sentences and we basically just talk about whether we had a good week or what we did over the weekend. So boring. Then there was this other guy. He seemed promising. We exchanged a few emails and then we started texting. This went on for about a week and then he up and disappeared. His profile is hidden on match.com now and I haven't received a text in a week. Guess he found someone else. He could have at least told me that.
Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I feel like I should address the fact that my ex is also using match.com. That is how we met in the first place, so I'm not surprised. What's surprising is that every few days, he shows up in the list of people who've viewed my profile. This confuses me. So I click on his profile ... as if that's somehow going to explain why he's looking at my profile. I know I should just delete him from the list or block him or whatever, but I can't because I still care about him.
And that, ultimately, is why I can't move on. A friend recently shared an article about how to move forward after someone breaks your heart. I'm not sure I agree with everything it says, but I thought it was interesting. So here it is: http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-11276/3-steps-to-move-forward-after-someone-breaks-your-heart.html. Maybe I need to read it again. :-)
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Weekly weigh-in: Pesky pitfalls
Last week's weight: 184.6
This week's weight: 184.2
Difference: -0.4
Total weight lost since January 2010: 87.6
Obviously, I lost a little this week. But I'm really just hovering around the same number I've been at for more than a year. I hate that I've gained back about 13 pounds overall and I know I could be doing better.
This past week, I did fairly well with my regular meals. It was the snacking in between and the mini candy bars that weren't so good. The worst was the day that I was at work and actually made a special trip to the store just to buy candy. Then, of course, I proceeded to eat far too much of it. I was having a bad day and I simply couldn't stop myself.
And I've barely exercised in the past two weeks. So I feel guilty about that. I used the rainy weather as an excuse, but there really is no excuse.
One bright spot, yesterday started a new weight-loss week and despite feeling a bit a depressed and stressed, I kept my eating under control. And now I'm headed to the annual Heart Walk, which I started the year my dad died from a heart attack. Maybe this will give me a chance to reflect on how much progress I've made and the fact that I'm doing this to be healthier.
I may have faced a few setbacks during this journey, but I am much healthier than I was four years ago. For that, I'm grateful.
This week's weight: 184.2
Difference: -0.4
Total weight lost since January 2010: 87.6
Obviously, I lost a little this week. But I'm really just hovering around the same number I've been at for more than a year. I hate that I've gained back about 13 pounds overall and I know I could be doing better.
This past week, I did fairly well with my regular meals. It was the snacking in between and the mini candy bars that weren't so good. The worst was the day that I was at work and actually made a special trip to the store just to buy candy. Then, of course, I proceeded to eat far too much of it. I was having a bad day and I simply couldn't stop myself.
And I've barely exercised in the past two weeks. So I feel guilty about that. I used the rainy weather as an excuse, but there really is no excuse.
One bright spot, yesterday started a new weight-loss week and despite feeling a bit a depressed and stressed, I kept my eating under control. And now I'm headed to the annual Heart Walk, which I started the year my dad died from a heart attack. Maybe this will give me a chance to reflect on how much progress I've made and the fact that I'm doing this to be healthier.
I may have faced a few setbacks during this journey, but I am much healthier than I was four years ago. For that, I'm grateful.
Monday, October 14, 2013
I hate crying!
First, let me start by saying that I don't want to talk about it. I blog because writing down what I'm thinking and feeling helps me work through my problems. I do it in a public blog because I can only hope that my forthrightness might make others feel better about their troubles and realize that they're not alone.
So, to the point of this post, I hate crying. I don't really remember what I was like as a child, but as an adult, I've never been a big crier. As I've said before, I used food to deal with my emotions. Now I've had to find other outlets. I feel like I've cried more in the past few years than I ever have in my entire life.
In particular, since my boyfriend broke up with me three weeks ago, I've cried even more. I don't like it, especially since I often don't see the tears coming. For example, I was dealing with a stressful situation at work one day last week, and the next thing I knew, I was sitting in my boss' office bawling. Not just teary eyes or sniffles. Full on crying. Then yesterday I started crying while driving home from the grocery store. And these are just a few examples. I've probably cried every couple of days for the past three weeks.
It's hard to pinpoint what's triggering the crying, but I've come to realize that I simply can't block someone I cared about a lot from my brain (or my heart). I miss him. Until this weekend, I don't think I realized exactly how deeply I felt for this person. It's really hard for me to admit it because I'm usually a rock during difficult times. But now I'm a mess.
Not to be too dramatic, some days are better than others. I'm not spending every waking moment wallowing in self pity. In fact, I've done quite a few fun things with friends recently, which I really appreciate. Those were happy moments.
Some days, I'm just sad. I worry a lot about why I wasn't the right person and whether anyone will ever want to be with me. I'm 40 and not getting any younger (and, as of right now, I'm not getting any thinner).
Another thing I realized this weekend is that I'm not really ready to date anyone else. I thought finding someone else would be the easy solution. Turns out that's making it even harder. Every person I've "chatted" with via match.com recently (and there haven't been that many) has something wrong with them. I'm sure they don't really, but I've found something to dislike about every person who's shown interest in me. That's a clear sign that I'm not ready.
So I don't know what to do now. I wish I had a button to turn off my brain. That would truly be the easiest solution.
So, to the point of this post, I hate crying. I don't really remember what I was like as a child, but as an adult, I've never been a big crier. As I've said before, I used food to deal with my emotions. Now I've had to find other outlets. I feel like I've cried more in the past few years than I ever have in my entire life.
In particular, since my boyfriend broke up with me three weeks ago, I've cried even more. I don't like it, especially since I often don't see the tears coming. For example, I was dealing with a stressful situation at work one day last week, and the next thing I knew, I was sitting in my boss' office bawling. Not just teary eyes or sniffles. Full on crying. Then yesterday I started crying while driving home from the grocery store. And these are just a few examples. I've probably cried every couple of days for the past three weeks.
It's hard to pinpoint what's triggering the crying, but I've come to realize that I simply can't block someone I cared about a lot from my brain (or my heart). I miss him. Until this weekend, I don't think I realized exactly how deeply I felt for this person. It's really hard for me to admit it because I'm usually a rock during difficult times. But now I'm a mess.
Not to be too dramatic, some days are better than others. I'm not spending every waking moment wallowing in self pity. In fact, I've done quite a few fun things with friends recently, which I really appreciate. Those were happy moments.
Some days, I'm just sad. I worry a lot about why I wasn't the right person and whether anyone will ever want to be with me. I'm 40 and not getting any younger (and, as of right now, I'm not getting any thinner).
Another thing I realized this weekend is that I'm not really ready to date anyone else. I thought finding someone else would be the easy solution. Turns out that's making it even harder. Every person I've "chatted" with via match.com recently (and there haven't been that many) has something wrong with them. I'm sure they don't really, but I've found something to dislike about every person who's shown interest in me. That's a clear sign that I'm not ready.
So I don't know what to do now. I wish I had a button to turn off my brain. That would truly be the easiest solution.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Weekly weigh-in: Old habits die hard
Last week's weight: 184.2
This week's weight: 184.6
Difference: +0.4
Total weight lost since January 2010: 87.2
I'm actually a little surprised I didn't gain more. If you knew just how many mini candy bars I ate this week, you'd understand. Oh, and let's not forget the night I made a giant bowl of fluffy noodles covered in butter and parmesan cheese. Thanks to the dreary, rainy weather, I also exercised only twice all week.
As usual, I've spent far too much time trying to analyze why I had such a hard time making smart food choices this week. And the answer is simple: Despite coming up on my four-year anniversary since I began Weight Watchers, I'm still an emotional eater.
I've learned to control it most of the time, which is how I've lost 87 pounds, but I've noticed that it's been harder and harder lately, which is why I've regained 13 pounds in the past year and a half. I let my guard down for one second, and the next thing I know, I'm eating half a bag of chips in one sitting.
I guess it's good that I at least recognize what I'm doing now. For most of my life, I stuffed my face pretty much all day every day and didn't realize I was eating rather than dealing with my emotions.
Still, I'm disappointed that after all this time, making the right choice doesn't come more easily. Even after seeing that I gained for the second week in a row, I overate yesterday and I'm headed that way today. So, I know this isn't the right approach, but I'm giving up on today. Of course, I don't plan to eat everything in my house, but I'm simply not going to worry about what I eat or drink for the rest of the day (especially since I have dinner plans with a friend).
I'll start over tomorrow. Maybe I will be more successful.
This week's weight: 184.6
Difference: +0.4
Total weight lost since January 2010: 87.2
I'm actually a little surprised I didn't gain more. If you knew just how many mini candy bars I ate this week, you'd understand. Oh, and let's not forget the night I made a giant bowl of fluffy noodles covered in butter and parmesan cheese. Thanks to the dreary, rainy weather, I also exercised only twice all week.
As usual, I've spent far too much time trying to analyze why I had such a hard time making smart food choices this week. And the answer is simple: Despite coming up on my four-year anniversary since I began Weight Watchers, I'm still an emotional eater.
I've learned to control it most of the time, which is how I've lost 87 pounds, but I've noticed that it's been harder and harder lately, which is why I've regained 13 pounds in the past year and a half. I let my guard down for one second, and the next thing I know, I'm eating half a bag of chips in one sitting.
I guess it's good that I at least recognize what I'm doing now. For most of my life, I stuffed my face pretty much all day every day and didn't realize I was eating rather than dealing with my emotions.
Still, I'm disappointed that after all this time, making the right choice doesn't come more easily. Even after seeing that I gained for the second week in a row, I overate yesterday and I'm headed that way today. So, I know this isn't the right approach, but I'm giving up on today. Of course, I don't plan to eat everything in my house, but I'm simply not going to worry about what I eat or drink for the rest of the day (especially since I have dinner plans with a friend).
I'll start over tomorrow. Maybe I will be more successful.
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