Weekly weigh-in: Goodbye 2011!!!!

Last week's weight: 179.4
This week's weight: 180.4
Difference: +1
Total weight lost since January 2010: 91.4

I'm so glad this year is almost over. It's really been terrible in so many ways -- the least of which is my failure to make significant progress in my weight-loss journey. I started the year wanting to lose about 40 more pounds. I didn't come anywhere close to that goal. I could blame my failure on a lot of personal and professional stress during the past year, but I'm not a big fan of excuses. So I didn't achieve my goal and that's that.

I'm ending the year on a positive note and feeling optimistic about 2012. At my final weigh-in of 2010, I weighed 193.4. I wrote at the time that the number on the scale no longer mattered. Instead, how I felt was important. Somewhere along the way, I forgot that. And I did, indeed, lose 13 pounds this year, which is significant because it's now been two years since I started this journey. The more time that goes by without me gaining back the weight, the more I feel like I've truly changed my lifestyle.

As for how I feel ... I have good days and bad days. The emotional stress of this year has taken its toll on my mental progress. But the good days are starting to outweigh the bad days and I see the person I want to be slowly emerging. I saw two photos of myself recently and I felt like I didn't even recognize myself. I looked pretty and like a normal-sized person. That's hard for me to admit, especially because the person I see in those photos is not the person I see in the mirror. It's really very confusing.

My long-term goal is to maintain my weight somewhere between 150 and 155 pounds. That means I've got 30 pounds to go. I'm starting 2012 hoping to get there by the end of the year. I've been doing really well lately, so I'm even going to make a short-term goal of 10 pounds by April 1, which is a little less than a pound a week. That's ambitious, but I've never been one to shy away from a challenge and I always set high expectations for myself. Wish me luck!

Assessing the damage

For the record, I did officially weigh-in on Friday. I apologize for not posting my weekly update. With traveling for the holidays, I didn't have time. Anyway, it was good news. My weight was 179.4 -- a loss of a pound from the previous Friday and a total loss of 92.4 pounds since January 2010.

After a successful weigh-in, I headed out of town to visit my family feeling pretty good. I opted not to take my scale with me and I knew going into the long weekend that I wouldn't be able to avoid a few indulgences. I made some good choices and some bad choices.

Four days later, I came back to Wilmington feeling as if I'd gained 10 pounds. I was trying not to panic, but I was worried that I'd completely erased all of the progress I'd made in the past two months. It's really been a struggle to get past that 90-pounds-lost mark this year.

Luckily, when I stepped on the scale this afternoon, the number wasn't as bad as I had expected. It said 181.2, which is a slight gain. But I think that's acceptable over the holidays. The real challenge is going to be curtailing the splurges now that I'm back home. I'm already feeling antsy because I want a snack -- chocolate, perhaps. I think I'm going through withdrawal. So far, though, I'm back to counting my Weight Watchers points and I haven't given in to temptation yet.

Of course, the real evidence of whether I succeeded will come on Friday. My goal for the past two months has been to end the year at less than 181.8 pounds. It's going to be close.

Persisting toward success

I came home from work today, put on my pajamas and fell right into bed. Bundled up under the covers, I started watching a silly kids movie (Aladdin). All I could think about was how I wish I could fly away on a magic carpet for a little while. Then, I started trying to remember the last time I felt truly relaxed. For me, it's a state of calm where I feel physically and mentally at ease. I honestly don't remember the last time I felt that way.

The past two months have been much better and at least I've been losing weight again. But something's still not quite right. I can't explain it, so I won't really even try. I just know that some days are harder than others.

It didn't help that I weighed when I got home from work and the scale clearly hates me this week. I've religiously recorded my Weight Watchers points ... even all the bad stuff I ate/drank Friday ... and I've done fairly well the rest of the week. But the scale is up three pounds. I know there's no reason to panic. I'm eating right and exercising almost daily. It's hard to accept that number on a day where I ate a doughnut. My brain immediately decides that eating one doughnut caused me to gain three pounds. Then, I think: Why am I even bothering? I can't go through life and never eat another doughnut.

Yes, I realize that's irrational. I know ups and downs are natural. I've been here before. I'm sure the number on the scale today is a result of several recent indulgences and a lot of stress over the past two days. Knowing this, however, doesn't make me feel any better. And it didn't stop me from curling up under the covers and sulking for about 45 minutes. The sulking also came with lots of thoughts about simply ordering whatever I wanted for dinner tonight. If the scale isn't going to cooperate when I try to do the right thing, then maybe I shouldn't try.

Luckily, I'm generally a pretty sensible person. I pulled myself out of bed and headed for my exercise bike. After 3 miles in 30 minutes, I had more aches and pains than normal ... but I felt a little better. That led me to the kitchen where I'm roasting squash/zucchini as I type this. It will go with leftover pork tenderloin and roasted beets.

Unless I go off the deep end after dinner, I should avoid going over my WW points for the day. Forget the scale. I know I have to just keep trying. Persistence will pay off.

Weekly weigh-in: Oh well

Last week's weight: 180.6
This week's weight: 180.4
Difference: -0.2
Total weight lost since January 2010: 91.4

I know I should be thankful that I didn't gain this week, but after so many good weeks, it's still hard to take such a small loss. OK, that was my one whining moment. Now, onto the realization that given the foods I ate this week, I am lucky to have lost weight. Plus, I knew it was going to be a struggle with so many holiday events. As long as I can stay at 90 pounds or more lost until January, I can handle it. That really is my goal, which I think is completely reasonable. Well, as long as I stay away from the cookies today.

A slippery slope

I'm pretty sure I've blogged on this topic before, but I'm trying to convince myself to be strong. It's not really working. It started a couple of weeks ago with a few peppermint patties. Then, I had a few dark chocolate Hershey's kisses and a few mini Reese's peanut butter cups. A few turned into a few every day for several days.

The good news is that the candy is all gone. No, I didn't eat the entire bags. I had bought the candy because I'm making small gift bags for my team at work. I need 18 bags, so I bought a lot of candy. By this past weekend, I'd eaten a piece or two here and there so many times, that I had to buy more candy. I did make the bags on Sunday, but I somehow convinced myself that some of the candy was leftover. I didn't want to give one person more than another. Of course, that was just an excuse to save some for myself.

And now the bad news is that I seem to be craving sugar and chocolate all the time. It doesn't help that Tuesday was a pretty big splurge day because two meals were prepared for me. I had a choice at lunch and could have skipped the giant cookie and half a brownie. But I didn't. Then, today I splurged at lunch with a chicken club on Texas toast with two kinds of cheese and a side of potato fries.

The scale is starting to notice. A quick check when I got home tonight showed a slight uptick from last week. With a holiday luncheon at work tomorrow, I'm starting to panic that I'm slipping too much lately. That's what happened before. A small indulgence here and there and the next thing I knew I was buying baked mac and cheese at Fresh Market and devouring four-cheese pizza from Harris Teeter.

I'm trying so hard to keep my eating under control. I'm even taking steamed vegetables to the luncheon in hopes that I can resist most of the bad foods. I know I won't, though. Do I continue to try to fight the temptation or make a plan to eat just a dab of this and a spoonful of that?

Holiday meal planning

Between yesterday and today, I've spent about five hours searching through cookbooks and online sites for healthy recipes to get me through a four-day holiday weekend at home in Virginia. Luckily, my mom's willing to go along with my need to at least make some low-fat foods.

I'm sure I'll do plenty of splurging, but it's important for me to eat well when I can. So my mom and I agreed on a long list of low-fat recipes. (Just remember this is over a four-day period) They include:

• Shepherd's pie
• Baked chicken nuggets
• Baked zucchini sticks
• Cheesy stuffed mushrooms
• Pumpkin fritters
• Pumpkin swirl cheesecake yogurt cupcakes
• Cranberry almond chocolate bark
• Sweet potato-cranberry casserole
• Brussels sprouts
• Wilted spinach
• Veggie tray with hummus
• Lowfat breakfast casserole
• Fruit
• Roasted turkey breast

The not-so-healthy stuff includes homemade dressing, gravy, mashed potatoes and alcohol. If I can keep these to a minimum and not overdo it on the healthy items either, I might manage to make it through Christmas without gaining. Well, and if I do, maybe it'll just be a couple of pounds. I can live with a slight gain, but anything more than two pounds will feel like a setback.

Weekly weigh-in: Cautious optimism

Last week's weight: 182.2
This week's weight: 180.6
Difference: -1.6
Total weight lost since January 2010: 91.2

I finally crossed the 90-pounds-lost mark this week. Naturally, I'm excited and feel great about my progress. But, based on my history of ups and downs this year, I'm not ready to celebrate just yet. I've had a good run the past six weeks or so, which makes me feel like I'm headed in the right direction. But the next three weeks could be disastrous. I have several holiday events to attend and a few other special functions that involve food, so I know I'm going to have to be extremely diligent to maintain my current weight loss. Still, after a year where I have failed to achieve my weight loss goal, I'm happy to be where I am and to be losing again. And I've noticed a big improvement in my attitude lately and I generally feel better than I did a few months ago. For now, that's enough.

Gaining perspective

I've found myself talking a lot lately about making choices. In the past two years, I've come to realize that I am responsible for the decisions I make, how I approach life and how I feel each day.

It's not fool proof, but I try to remember that I have a choice about pretty much everything. Sometimes, it doesn't feel like it. And that's when the negativity tends to creep out. For almost six weeks now, though, I've shifted my thinking and I'm truly happier.

I still have a lot of stress to deal with, but it's much easier to handle when I don't let anxiety get the better of me. And every day I feel like I'm being pushed past my limits and that my patience isn't going to hold up. But then it does and the day comes to an end and I feel good.

I have a choice. I can let the negative moments weigh me down or I can rise above it and keep my eye on the target. I find that when I keep calm and I keep things in perspective, the days are much easier.

So my challenge to you all is to start tomorrow with a positive attitude and to get through the entire day without letting your frustration, stress, anger, whatever drive you into a bad place. The moment you feel it happening, remember: You have a choice.

Weekly weigh-in: Controlled chaos

Last week's weight: 183.4
This week's weight: 182.2
Difference: -1.2
Total weight lost since January 2010: 89.6

I did actually weigh-in Friday morning, but the chaos of movie filming in the newsroom kept me from having time to blog yesterday. I'm pleased with the number I saw on the scale, but I fear I got lucky because when I weighed this morning, my weight was the same as last week's. I wouldn't have been surprised if I hadn't lost weight this week. I did well with exercising, but my eating wasn't great. Lots of little splurges ... almost something every day.

As I noted earlier in the week, though, I'm happy that as I ate more, I exercised more. The week was quite hectic and chaotic. I didn't always make the best choices but I didn't make the worst choices either. I feel like I need to really focus this week so I don't lose sight of my goal.

I am so close to reaching the 90-pounds-lost milestone. I'd really like to get there this week, but I know I am going to have to be vigilant ... especially with more holiday events just around the corner.

The price of pizza

Today had its good moments, but it also had its bad moments. I knew I was having pizza for lunch because of a function at work. I was actually kind of excited about it because I've been craving pizza for a couple of days. This seemed like a good opportunity to satisfy the craving without going overboard. I spent all morning telling myself that I could have two pieces. I even had a very light breakfast in anticipation of the pizza. Of course, once the pizza was sitting in front of me, I couldn't resist a third piece.

I was disappointed because I didn't eat it because I was hungry. I ate it because it tasted good. I was also disappointed in myself this afternoon because I couldn't resist the incredible desserts a reporter brought into the newsroom. Normally, a few bites of a brownie wouldn't matter, but on top of the pizza it felt like I had gone overboard today.

But there is good news. I'm proud that I stopped with just three pieces of pizza nnd a few bites of dessert. Two years ago, I probably would have eaten five pieces of pizza and tasted each of the roughly 10 desserts. And then I would have come home and stuffed myself with something awful for dinner. Instead, I stopped at the grocery store and replenished my stock of Progresso Light soup and came home and hopped on my exercise bike.

I had already done my normal 30 minutes (4 miles) on the bike this morning, but I felt like I had to do a little more. I know the additional 30 minutes (4 miles) doesn't exactly make up for the pizza/brownie, but it helps. And, mentally, it's a huge step in changing how I look at food. I'm disappointed that I indulged today, but I feel good about how I dealt with my guilt. What's more, I put in the double dose of exercise on a day when I have a sore throat and stuffy nose and I really want to just go to bed.

It's all about the dress

The past few days have been quite busy and were a good test of what I will face during the holidays. Overall, I did OK with my eating (a few splurges, but nothing outlandish) and I'm back on track with exercising. What I'm most proud of is that after indulging at a social function this afternoon, I walked three miles. And that's on top of the four miles I'd already done on my exercise bike this morning.

The scale isn't exactly cooperating this weekend, but I feel good about knowing that I ate a little too much so I needed to exercise more. It's a good place to be mentally ... instead of feeling guilty and then just eating more.

Anyway, I had other successes this weekend. I resisted the buttery movie popcorn twice and I had a major craving for pizza Saturday, but I had a healthy bowl of light chicken noodle soup instead. I was also reminded in a strange way that a lot of people struggle with weight issues ... even skinny people. I won't go into details, but somehow it made me feel better hearing this.

Of course, it also didn't hurt that I saw a few people this weekend that I don't see on a regular basis and everyone commented on my weight loss. I feel kind of vain admitting it, but it makes me feel good when people notice.

Finally, I had somewhat of a breakthrough when it comes to what I see in the mirror. About a month ago, I bought a size large dress for Christmas party. I tried it on at the store and it looked great, but I felt like it was a little snug in the wrong places (basically, my hips and stomach). But I loved it and it was pretty cheap. So I bought it anyway. I told a friend about it and vowed to wear it to the Christmas party even if I didn't lose another pound before then. Well, I have lost a few pounds since then and I've been riding my exercise bike regularly. When I tried it on today, I couldn't believe what I saw in the mirror. For one brief moment, I felt like I looked good. The feeling didn't last because I quickly started feeling self-conscious and wondering if I could actually wear it in public. There's nothing revealing about the dress, but it is eye-catching. For now, I'm just glad the dress fits and I hope it's the motivation I need to stay on track for the next few weeks.

Weekly weigh-in: A number I can live with

Last week's weight: 183.2
This week's weight: 183.4
Difference: +0.2
Total weight lost since January 2010: 88.4

I was tempted to skip this week's weigh-in. The scale had not been cooperating all week. I was, as my grandmother would say, "weighing heavy." I stuck to my Weight Watchers points, but I didn't exercise as much this week and my food choices weren't as smart as they could have been (lots of sodium). Plus, I just knew that weighing in the morning after Thanksgiving wasn't going to go well.

So I was surprised to see the result. I'll admit that I did weigh three times and used the lowest number. But still ... a slight gain in a week that included Thanksgiving is perfectly acceptable in my mind. I'm going to consider this week a wash and keep plugging along. Luckily, I made lots of healthy, lowfat foods for Thanksgiving so the leftovers shouldn't be a problem. And, after four days without exercise, I know getting on my exercise bike tomorrow won't be easy. But I will do it.

Recipe: Cocktail time

If you're a regular follower, you know I tend to splurge from time to time on an alcoholic beverage. With the holidays just around the corner, I decided to experiment and came up with two low-cal, yet tasty, cocktails. Both make use of one of my new favorite ingredients Torani sugar-free syrup. I use it in coffee all the time. Just a half a teaspoon is enough.

Cocktail No. 1
1 oz. spiced rum
1/2 tsp. Torani sugar-free almond roca syrup (caramel or chocolate would probably be good, too)
1/4 fresh orange
Club soda
Ice

Cocktail No. 2
1 oz. vodka
1/2 tsp. Torani sugar-free raspberry syrup (any fruit flavor would be good)
1/4 fresh orange
Club soda
Ice

Mix the rum and syrup in a glass. (I used a martini glass, but anything that holds 6 to 8 ounces would work.) Squeeze in the juice from the orange section. Fill about 1/3 of the way with ice. Fill with club soda.

Weekly weigh-in: In control

Last week's weight: 184.4
This week's weight: 183.2
Difference: -1.2
Total weight lost since January 2010: 88.6

It was almost a year ago this week that I feel like I lost control of my weight loss efforts. I think I knew it was happening at the time, but I kept making poor choices. As the year progressed I encountered several stressful life events, so my choices didn't improve. I finally think I've regained control.

I'm hesitant to celebrate too much and I don't want to be overly confident about my recent success. But this marks four consecutive weeks of losing weight. After so many ups and downs in the past year, it feels like a true milestone.

Plus, I've faced temptation so many times this week. I haven't always made the best choice, but I definitely haven't made the worst choice either. In fact, my food choices have been fairly good. And when I've splurged, it's been in small amounts. For example, I've been craving mac and cheese all week. I even tried making a lowfat version. It tasted good, but not really like mac and cheese. I finally gave in last night. While getting dinner to go at Carolina Farmin', I had the server give me what amounted to a few bites of mac and cheese instead of the normal side portion. Yes, that was a proud moment.

I've also exercised at least 30 minutes every day this week. This wasn't easy during my staycation because several days I wanted to just lay around in my pajamas. Turns out getting in my morning exercise stopped me from being a slug. It's been a busy and fast week and I haven't spent nearly as much time in front of the TV as I thought I might.

Finally, I should mention that I've tracked my Weight Watchers food points and activity points online every day for the past four weeks. I've said all along that one of the reasons for my previous success was keeping track of what I ate.

Obviously, eating well, exercising and monitoring both habits makes a difference. Keeping it up won't be easy, but I am a creature of habit. Just a few more weeks and I'm sure it all be routine again.

Recipe: Lowfat Mac and Cheese

I've been craving mac and cheese for days now, so I decided to make a healthier version. It didn't really turn out like mac and cheese, but it did taste very good. And it was so easy to make. BTW, I ate one serving as my meal.

Ingredients
6 oz. No Yolks egg noodles
3 cups Fresh broccoli florets (I used two crowns. You could also just use frozen.)
1 cup Kraft 2% milk reduced-fat sharp cheddar cheese
1/2 cup Fat-free half and half
1 can Petite diced tomatoes (I used the kind with basil, oregano and garlic, but whatever flavor you like would be fine.)
Cooking spray
Salt and pepper to taste

Cook the noodles according to the package directions. About halfway through, throw the broccoli into the same pot of boiling water. (You can cook it separately, but this is easier.) Drain noodles and broccoli. Return to pan and add diced tomatoes. In a small saucepan, heat the half and half on medium heat. Don't let it boil. Once it's hot, add 3/4 cup cheese. Reduce heat to low and stir with a whisk until creamy. Add salt and pepper. Spray a medium-sized casserole dish with cooking spray. Add noddle mixture and pour cheese sauce evenly on top. Sprinkle remaining cheese evenly on top. Bake at 375 degrees until cheese is melted (about 20 minutes). Makes 4 servings.

A proud moment

This has been the kind of day that normally would send me over the edge. And I've been close a couple of times. I'm feeling calmer now, but I'm still thinking about all the "bad" foods I want to eat -- pizza, mac and cheese, Chinese, etc. But I'm not going to do it.

I was really close to giving in to temptation when I ended up at Walmart for a second time in the same day. Aside from a few work issues (which I won't go into detail about), it turns out that putting up my Christmas tree this afternoon was more stressful than I anticipated.

It was supposed to be a relaxing afternoon. I put "Love Actually," one of my all-time favorite movies, in the DVD player and started putting together my fake pre-lit tree. I spent about an hour straightening branches. Then, I plugged it in. The entire bottom row of branches weren't lit. I vaguely remember having a problem last year. I spent another 20 minutes jiggling bulbs. Nothing!

So I decided it was time to get a new tree. I went to three stores then Walmart. Walmart!!!!! My least favorite store. I got a tree for $39, which I thought seemed like a good deal. Back at home, I fielded several calls from my family. Then I opened the box ... to find a black tree. Seriously. Who buys a black Christmas tree?

That was almost the breaking point. Feeling defeated, I considered just going to bed and trying again tomorrow. But, no, I'm not really the sort to give up. I headed back to Walmart. Every bad food I could think of passed through my mind. I really wanted to just get something in the deli area -- they have mac and cheese, fried chicken tenders, potato wedges.

But I resisted. Back at home ... again ... I almost ordered Chinese. Almost six hours after I first set out to put up my tree, it's done and it looks beautiful. And I'm so proud that I didn't give in to temptation. I did splurge on a little wine while decorating the tree, but I'm about to eat my healthy chicken, spinach, mushrooms and pasta leftovers.

Dealing with stressful situations without turning to fattening foods is a big part of how I was so successful last year. And I'm proud to say I'm once again making progress.

Recipe: Italian chicken

 Ingredients
1 1/2 pounds of boneless, skinless chicken breasts (I bought a package of three and cut them in half.)
1 tbsp. Italian seasoning
2 cups dried whole grain or whole wheat pasta
1 bag fresh baby spinach
1 package fresh sliced mushrooms
1 tbsp. olive oil
1 can petite diced tomatoes
4 tbsp. shredded parmesan cheese
Salt and pepper to taste
Cooking spray

Coat a non-stick baking sheet with cooking spray. (I cover mine in aluminum foil first.) Place chicken on pan and sprinkle on the Italian seasoning. Add a little salt and pepper as well. Bake at 350 degrees until chicken is no longer pink inside. Cook the pasta according to the package directions and drain. While the chicken and pasta are cooking, add the olive oil to a non-stick skillet on medium-high heat. (I used oil infused with garlic. If you don't have that handy, just add a little chopped garlic or a sprinkle of garlic powder.) Add the mushrooms and saute until tender. Reduce heat to low. Add the spinach a little at a time so it wilts down before you put in the next bunch. Add a dash of salt and pepper. Once all of the spinach is wilted, remove from heat. Spray a large casserole dish with cooking spray. Put the cooked pasta in the bottom. Place the six pieces of chicken evenly around the dish. Top each piece with an equal amount of spinach/mushroom mixture. Then top each piece with an equal amount of diced tomatoes. Finally, add the cheese. Cover and return to oven at 175 degrees just to heat everything through and melt the cheese. Makes 6 servings.

Recipe: Pumpkin parfait

I was inspired this morning by watching someone on the Food Network make tiramisu. I've never had it, but it always looks so delicious ... and not very good for me. As you know, I love to experiment with recipes and I'm obsessed with pumpkin lately. So I decided I'd try a creamy pumpkin parfait.

Ingredients
2 pears, peeled and diced (I used red.)
1 apple, peeled and diced (I used a Granny Smith.)
1/2 tsp. pumpkin pie spice
1/2 tsp. cinnamon (plus a little extra to sprinkle on the fruit before baking)
1/2 cup canned pumpkin puree
2 snack-size sugar-free vanilla pudding cups
Cooking spray
8 Nabisco Reduced Fat Nilla Wafers

Spray a non-stick pan with cooking spray (I cover mine with aluminum foil first.). Place the diced fruit on the pan and sprinkle with cinnamon. Bake at 350 degrees until slightly tender (about 10 minutes). Remove from oven and let cool. In a bowl, mix the pudding, pumpkin puree, pumpkin pie spice and cinnamon. Keep in refrigerator until ready to use. Once the fruit is cool, place a few chunks in the bottom of a dessert bowl (or you can use a fancy glass such as a margarita or martini glass). Top with about a tablespoon of pumpkin mixture. Repeat the layering of fruit and pumpkin until you've used it all. I got four layers of each for four desserts. Add two Nilla Wafers to each dish.
Note: If you don't mind a few extra calories, you could add a tablespoon of spiced rum to the pumpkin mixture and top the parfaits with a little whipped cream and chopped walnuts or pecans.

Celebrating my successes

I've had three good weeks in a row and week four is off to a good start. So I decided to treat myself to new clothes. OK, I know, I buy new clothes a lot. But this time I spent a little more than normal and bought things I wouldn't normally wear. The key was that the two skirts were a size 14 -- my smallest size so far. I can't quite fit into everything that size, but I'm getting closer.

At first, I felt great about my purchases. But then I felt guilty because I shouldn't be spending money on more clothes right now. (I'm really poor these days.) Now, though, I'm back to feeling like I deserve those clothes. And in the grand scheme of things, I didn't spend that much money. In fact, I've bought a ton of new clothes since my journey began in January 2010. I couldn't tell you how much I've spent, but I'm sure it's been thousands of dollars.

The conclusion I've come to is that it's worth it. There was a time when I would have traded my life savings to lose weight and feel healthier. I see going overboard with shopping every now and then as my reward. I work really hard at my professional job and just as hard at losing weight. If I can't reward myself, then why am I working so hard?

Buying clothes in a smaller size also serves another purpose -- keeping me on track. I was so proud of myself last night for making smart choices at dinner. I wanted to order one of everything on the menu, which included lots of decadent pasta dishes. Instead, I opted for a salad (with very little balsamic vinaigrette) and steamed mussels. The big splurge was eating a little more bread than I should have and two regular beers. My point is that I had a great evening with a great friend. I didn't need to eat mounds of food to have fun.

And I'm especially proud that I resisted temptation. I was so close to giving in. But I don't think I would have enjoyed the evening more if I had. I even told my friend that I feel like I'm seeing a mental shift in the past few weeks. I'm starting to feel like the person who had so much success losing weight last year. That's a reason to celebrate.

Weekly weigh-in: A big surprise

Last week's weight: 186.4
This week's weight: 184.4
Difference: -2
Total weight lost since January 2010: 87.4

Wow. I couldn't believe my eyes when I stepped on the scale this morning. In fact, I weighed three times just to be sure. But the number was the same. After a week that included lots of pizza, a few beers and more desserts than normal, I thought I might have gained weight. Of course, I weigh every day. As of yesterday, I thought maybe I'd at least stay the same. I tried to counteract the excesses with exercise and lots of water. I guess it worked.

What I'm most proud of (just like last week) is that even when I went overboard, I made fairly decent choices. For example, on the pizza day, I had one piece with all the meats and the other slices were cheese. Trust me, I could have eaten the entire meat pizza. On Thursday, lunch out at Flaming Amy's could have been a disaster. Instead, I opted for a salad with grilled chicken. I used a tiny bit of the thai peanut dressing, but then I topped the salad with different kinds of salsa. It was delicious. I missed the chips a little, but I certainly had plenty to eat.

My next challenge, though, is getting through the next 10 days without overeating. It's much easier for me to control my eating when I'm at work. So I'm a little worried that my 10-day staycation could be a problem, but I'm at least thinking about it and going to try to stick with my plan. I'm also hoping to get in a lot of exercise ... which might include a lot of walking around the mall.

Negative self-image

I've been in a good place for a little more than two weeks now. After months and months of being an emotional wreck on the inside, I felt like I finally had a breakthrough. Things have been going well ever since. My eating habits are improved and I've been doing a great job exercising (almost daily, in fact).

Nothing in particular happened today, but I've been feeling kinda down. It was one of those days where I looked in the mirror and I couldn't see the new me. Fairly often, I still see the same person I've always seen since I can remember.

I like the days when I look at my face and realize how much thinner I am. Sometimes, I even see the difference just looking at my wrists or fingers. I couldn't see any of those changes today. In fact, I actually felt like I weighed the 271.8 pounds I started out at.

If I knew what caused me to see myself this way, I think I could work on changing my perception. Instead, I just get depressed about it. In my mind, I know the changes have been dramatic. Sometimes, I even see a photo of myself and have to look twice because I don't even recognize myself. Other times, I see a photo and only see how much weight I still need to lose.

I've had two weeks filled with positive thinking and hope. I don't want to lose that progress. And, luckily, I do seem to have my eating under control again. I'm splurging here and there, but not binging. I guess I just wish I had more confidence in myself. And, after a year of heartache and heartbreak, I wish something good would happen soon so that I could end the year on a positive note.

Weekly weigh-in: I feel good

Last week's weight: 187.8
This week's weight: 186.4
Difference: -1.4
Total weight lost since January 2010: 85.4

Two good weeks in a row. I'm trying not to get too excited. I still have 1.6 pounds to lose just to get to my lowest weight since I started this journey. But after weeks of going up one week and down the next and then feeling like I was gaining overall, I'm thrilled to have lost weight two weeks in a row. It sure makes me feel good and like I'm doing something right for a change.

The truth is that I haven't made the best choices this week. I had a meatball sub, wine, pizza and too much Halloween candy. But I also rode my exercise bike A LOT. I kept track of everything I ate and every Weight Watchers point. I ended up using all of my weekly points and all of my activity points, but I ended the week dead even ... and I lost weight.

The best part is that the exercise is making me feel so good. I've been reminded how much easier it is to deal with stress and others' negativity when I'm in a good place. And even though it's only been a few days, I'm starting to feel like I did during the summer of 2010. During those few months, I was genuinely happy. I woke up ready to handle each day. I'm almost back to that point.

The differences I talked so much about back then are starting to show again. I'm excited by new experiences and I find joy in simple things. It's difficult to explain exactly what I mean. But those who've experienced this feeling will know what I'm talking about. And you also know that the feeling is addictive. To put it simply, I feel good about being me.

Weekly weigh-in: Doing the right thing

Last week's weight: 190
This week's weight: 187.8
Difference: -2.2
Total weight lost since January 2010: 84

A week ago, I sat here regretting the massive binge eating attack from the day before. But I also was resolved to do better. I logged everything I ate last Friday (including the many slices of pizza and many desserts from the bake sale) and decided my goal for the week was to track everything (food and exercise) using the Weight Watchers online system.

Keeping track was clearly the right thing to do because I made sure that when I ate more, I exercised more. I did use all of my "extra" weekly points and most of my activity points, but it does go to show that the system works. I had wine a couple of times, a small piece of cake one day and a decadent cupcake Thursday night. But, again, I made sure I exercised enough to make up for those splurges.

A bonus to all of this week's exercising is that I feel great. I'm starting to feel like I did a year ago. And handling stress seemed so much easier this past week. The key to success now will be sticking with it again. But I feel like I can do it. And it seems so simple: If I want to eat/drink more, all I have to do is exercise more.

I need a vacation

I've been on track for four days now. I don't want to get too excited about it, but I am proud of the progress I've made this week.

Moving the exercise bike back into the house is working out well. I rode it 30 minutes Sunday, 30 minutes Monday morning, 30 minutes Monday evening and 30 minutes Tuesday morning. Then, I walked for 40 minutes Tuesday evening. The physical activity is making me feel good and helping me manage stress this week.

Plus, I'm keeping track of my Weight Watchers points again. I even counted all of the terrible food I ate last Friday. Thanks to my activity points, I'm still a few points ahead of the game for the week. If I can keep it up for two more days, I should at least see a little progress on the scale come Friday morning.

As I was walking tonight, though, all I could think about was how much I want to just get away from everything. I'm kinda poor right now, but I was thinking about dipping into my "vacation fund," which really is more of an emergency/Christmas shopping fund. I know that sounds strange. But I have this jar where I try to stash a little cash throughout the year. Sometimes, it's a few dollars; sometimes, it's $100. I usually end up spending the money on Christmas presents. I've spent a little recently, but there's enough in there that I could take a long weekend somewhere (and still go Christmas shopping).

Where should I go? The mountains? Charleston? Hilton Head? Somewhere else? And I worry that I'll be bored once I get there. I'm not very good at entertaining myself. And I don't want a trip to be about food. That's my one requirement. I might splurge a little, but then I will need to do some sort of activity to burn off the calories

I mostly feel like I want to clear my head. Something peaceful and uncomplicated. Oh, and I do have vacation days coming up in a couple of weeks, so this is absolutely doable. Suggestions?

Time to move

As you know, I spend a lot of time trying to figure out why I'm no longer finding success at losing weight. The first six months of 2010, the weight came off so easily. What I don't understand is how and what I was doing differently then.

But, once again, find myself thinking that I must figure it out. The numbers in the past three months aren't good -- I've gained 4 pounds.

After Friday's meltdown, I was resolved to do better. Saturday went well. I went over my daily Weight Watchers points allotment by 1 point, which is no big deal. But I'm having a much harder time today. My eating has been fine -- an omelet for breakfast, chicken chili and a few tortilla chips for lunch and a smoothie and lowfat brownie for snacks. The problem came when I decided to have two beers while watching football.

The only saving grace is that I am trying to exercise more to make up for the extra calories. I spent the morning cleaning house and then 20 minutes on my exercise bike. I've even moved the bike back into the house from the garage.

My new goal is to bike 30 minutes every morning before work. I really enjoy exercising before work and I find that I feel better all day when I do. I was walking but now it's too dark that early. So maybe the exercise bike will at least keep me moving during the dark, cold days of winter.

Weekly weigh-in: Off the deep end

Last week's weight: 188
This week's weight: 190
Difference: +2
Total weight last since January 2010: 81.8

For much of the week, I really tried. I even did well four of the seven days. But the other three days were a complete disaster. I tried not to make the worst choices those three days, but even the "better" choices were terrible. I had high hopes that exercise over the weekend and early in the week would be enough to counteract the calories. But I knew that wasn't really likely.

Why'd I make those choices? One day was because I simply felt I deserved to splurge. All the bad foods were at a dinner out and it was delicious. I didn't even feel bad about what I ate because I made those choices in the right spirit. The second day was because I didn't have a choice. I was attending a daylong function for work in which breakfast and lunch were provided for the group. The only truly healthy food offered all day was the fruit at breakfast. Not only did I eat the wrong foods that day, I ate too much of them. Finally, the third day was the most disappointing. I ate poorly because I let my guard down. I didn't plan my eating well that day and by 9 p.m. I was starving ... so I stopped at Taco Bell.

Now, this new week (which starts on Fridays for weigh-in purposes) isn't off to a very good start either. We had a bake sale at work to raise money for the United Way. I should have eaten one sweet treat and given the rest away. Instead, I had about eight things Friday. Then, because it had been an emotionally draining day at work, I had pizza for dinner. I'd been thinking about pizza for days. I finally went off the deep end and got one. I didn't eat the whole thing, but I came close. (And, if I'm honest, I'll probably end up eating the leftovers today.)

So, once again, I let stress and emotion keep me from achieving my goal this past week. And it's becoming clear that the number on the scale is slowing creeping up. I must figure out a way to stop it before it's too late.

Weekly weigh-in: A bit of a boost

Last week's weight: 189.2
This week's weight: 188
Difference: -1.2
Total weight lost since January 2010: 83.8

Today's weigh-in went well ... perhaps better than I expected. I didn't exercise as much as I had hoped this week and may eating habits still aren't where they need to be. But I did eat better than I did the previous week and there were a few times where I consciously made the right choice. For example, I had a really long day at work yesterday (and it had already included eating blueberry pie). When I got home, I had the Chinese menu in one hand and my cell phone in the other. I was so close to ordering delivery. But I weighed my choice and heated up leftover soup. I was so proud of myself in that moment. Sure, I've had moments where I made the wrong choice, but at least I'm seeing the right choices again. That's progress. I'm feeling a bit of momentum this week. In fact, I'm up early on my day off to walk with a co-worker. Then I'm also participating the Cape Fear Heart Walk on Saturday morning. The fact that this sort of thing has become part of my regular life is progress.

Weekly weigh-in: I'm being tested

Last week's weight: 189.2
This week's weight: 189.2
Difference: 0
Total weight lost since January 2010: 82.6

Blah. Blah. Blah. How many weeks in a row can I say the same thing? So I didn't gain. I'm actually surprised. But I didn't lose. And I exercised a lot! This week has been filled with lots of emotional ups and downs. In fact, this whole year has been that way.

If I'm being honest (to quote Simon Cowell), I want to eat all the time. And some days, I do. I guess the bright spot is that I don't pig out on awful foods. If I get derailed, it's usually not that bad. So I'm maintaining.

Honestly, I just need something positive to focus on. Too much negativity surrounding me these days. I don't like emotional drama. When I get dragged into it, I don't handle it well. And the past year has been one bad thing after another.

It's time for something good to happen to me. Seriously. Enough is a enough.

Turning the corner?

Every day I set out to eat the right foods and regain my resolve. And every day I slip at some point. I was fighting hard today. Then Bojangles delivered free biscuits to the newsroom this afternoon. I ate two!

The good news, however, is that I came home and walked three miles. I had similar experiences over the weekend. I made poor food choices, but I exercised to make up for it.

Unfortunately, I don't think I'm necessarily doing enough exercise to burn the extra calories. So I know that over time, the poor food choices will catch up with me. Still, for now, I at least feel like I'm maintaining and I'm not giving up.

I've also decided to make October a reward month. As you know, I love to shop and I love music. For every pound I lose this month, I'm going to put away $20 to spend on whatever I want. The goal will be to spend it something I truly consider a reward. To make sure I stick with the exercise, I'm also going to allow myself to buy one new song on iTunes for every mile I walk.

I'm hoping these rewards will motivate me and will help me stay focused on my goal. Wish me luck.

Can't stop cravings

I so wanted this to be a good day. I walked the Loop at Wrightsville Beach this morning and my eating stayed on track until ... about 3 o'clock. Boredom set in and I found myself snacking on rice cakes, cheese, turkey slices, pickles, popcorn and finally I pigged out on chocolate-covered almonds.

Of course, then I started feeling really guilty. So I did 20 minutes of cardio. I know that's not enough to make up for the snacks. But at least I did something.

The real problem is that all afternoon I felt like I was craving all sorts of "bad" foods. I considered ordering pizza. Then I thought about going out for tacos. Ice cream and brownies also crossed my mind. At one point, I found myself staring in the cabinet, thinking about making pasta.

I guess the good news is that the almonds were the only really bad thing I ate. I could have done so much worse.What I really want is to figure out how to not want those bad foods. Obviously, limiting what and how much I eat makes me lose weight. So how can I stop myself from eating too much and from wanting high-fat, high-carb foods?

Weekly weigh-in: Trying to stay positive

Last week's weight: 189.8
This week's weight: 189.2
Difference: -0.6
Total weight lost since January 2010: 82.6

I knew it was going to be a tough week because I was headed out of town for a few days. I made some bad choices, but I also made some good ones. So I'm going to focus on the positive. I did the Jillian Michaels cardio workout three days in a row early in the week. I didn't get a lot of exercise after that, but I did a little walking each day. On the food front, it was a mixed bag. The bright side: I could have made much worse choices.

What I'm most proud of from the past week, though, is that it was emotionally difficult. Yet I didn't deal with those emotions, for the most part, by stuffing my face. Yes, I splurged a little, but I really didn't go overboard. I've thought a lot about my success from last year. And it comes down to being able to deal with my emotional eating. I'm not there yet, but I'm getting better. There's nothing wrong with splurging as long as those splurges are tied to special events ... not a bad day.

Weekly weigh-in: Good news, bad news

Last week's weight: 186.8
This week's weight: 189.8
Difference: +3
Total weight lost since January 2010: 82

Obviously, weeks of poor food choices are catching up with me. As has been the case for almost a year now, I lose a little, then I gain a little. After doing so well during the first half of 2010, it can be really depressing to look at how little progress I've made since then. I've lost just 16 pounds in the past year.

That's the bad news. I don't like being stuck in the 180s and now I'm in danger of going back into the 190s. I know that if I don't make changes, my weight will start creeping up. It's frustrating.

But there is good news. With the weather getting cooler, I've pulled out last year's long pants. And they are too big. Not by much, though. Still, they are loose enough that I need more new clothes. So I may not have seen a big change on the scale in the past year, but I have lost one clothes size. I guess I should be happy about that.

Recipes: Pumped about pumpkin

With fall just around the corner and a slight chill in the air, I've become obsessed with pumpkin -- creating pumpkin smoothies and oatmeal. The recipes are very precise, but here they are.

Pumpkin Oatmeal

1/2 cup quick cooking oats
3/4 cup water
2 heaping spoonfuls of canned pumpkin (pure pumpkin, not the pie filling)
Sprinkle of pumpkin pie spice
Sprinkle of cinnamon
One apple diced (I used green. I peeled mine, but you don't have to.)

Mix the oats and water in a bowl. Microwave for 90 seconds. Add pumpkin and microwave for 30 seconds. Add pumpkin spice, cinnamon and apple. Microwave for 30 seconds.


Pumpkin Smoothie

In a blender, mix:
2 heaping spoonfuls of nonfat greek yogurt
Splash of vanilla
Sprinkle of cinnamon
Sprinkle of pumpkin pie spice
1 heaping spoonful of canned pumpkin (not the pie filling, just plain pumpkin. I freeze it so I can scoop it out whenever I want it.)
About a teaspoon of brown sugar
1 banana (you can leave this out, but it does make it creamier)
Ice and skim milk (the amount really just depends on how thick you like and how much you want to end up with)

Weekly weigh-in: Maintaining

Last week's weight: 189
This week's weight: 186.8
Difference: -2.2
Total weight lost since January 2010: 85

As has been the case for pretty much this entire year, I'm hovering around the 85-pounds-lost mark. I feel like I'm starting to sound like a broken record. I gain a little. I lose a little.

In the grand scheme of things, that's OK. As I've said before, I'm much healthier and happier. I still have my ultimate goal in mind, but I'm just not in a place mentally to be as diligent as I need to be to reach that goal.

I had a real test this week of my new-found fitness. I'm participating in a leadership group that had about 35 of us trekking all over downtown Wilmington Tuesday. We walked block after block and up and down more stairs than I probably have in my entire life. Once or twice, I struggled to keep up with the group, but I pushed myself. (My legs are still sore.)

What I realized is that two years ago, I wouldn't have been able to do it. And I would have felt so ashamed for not being able to walk along with the class. In fact, I probably would have decided to simply not participate at all for fear that it would include things I wasn't capable of.

So the scale isn't saying what I want yet, but I do still see signs of progress. And that's enough for now.

Weekly weigh-in: Why bother?

Last week's weight: 184.8
This week's weight: 189
Difference: +4.2
Total weight lost since January 2010: 82.8

As predicted earlier in the week, the weigh-in didn't go well. I seriously almost skipped it. When I think about it rationally, though, I should be happy that in the past three weeks I haven't gained more than 4 pounds. Based on everything I've eaten and drank, I wouldn't have been surprised to see an even higher number on the scale.

This week was really a struggle. After giving myself a break last weekend because I had family in town, I had vowed to put an end to my bad habits. It was much harder than I expected and I didn't do great this week. After Friday morning's weigh-in, I convinced myself to try again and to not give up.

Friday went well. I felt hungry some during the day, but I was right on track with my Weight Watchers points ... until I went out for dinner. If it wasn't for the couple of beers and appetizer, it wouldn't have been so bad because I had a salad with chicken for my dinner. The bright side is that I could have made much worse choices because the menu was full of yummy comfort foods and I wanted to eat them all.

So I'm not exactly back where I need to be, but I'm also not feeling out of control anymore either. That's enough progress for now.

Stressful eating

I've been trying to tone down how much whining I do in my blog posts, but I need to vent. I thought that maybe the negative tone was contributing to my inability to regain the eating habits I established last year. But now I know that the tone is just a symptom of everything else going on in my life.

I started this year believing it was going to be the best ever. I had experienced so much success last year. Not just with weight loss but also with my outlook on life. But this year has been a struggle. I'm not going to rehash all of the stressful stuff I've been through. Just know it's been tough and still is.

My concern is that I've finally slipped back into my old habits. Every time I have a bad day or something goes wrong or I just feel stressed out, I turn to food. I reached what I feel like is a new low tonight.

Over the holiday weekend, I allowed myself to indulge. I'd been doing fairly well. So with family in town, I felt I deserved to splurge. I swore I'd get right back on track yesterday. Most of the day went well ... until two hours of stress involving my family. That's when I binge ate five caramel rice cakes and a single-serving size container of Weight Watchers fudge brownie ice cream.

In the grand scheme, I could have made much worse choices. I know that. It's not really what I ate, but how and why I ate it. So I vowed to do better today. I started off well ... even walking nearly 2 miles this morning. I had a healthy breakfast and lunch. By the afternoon, though, I knew I had a problem. All I wanted to do was eat. I'd consumed all of my daily Weight Watchers points by 5:30 p.m.

I should have eaten something healthy, but low in points, for dinner. Instead, I had two huge servings of pasta with butter and parmesan cheese. Yes, clearly I'm using food for comfort. This is a bad sign.

The only way I was successful last year is that I controlled those urges. I don't know how I did it. Every time I wanted to binge eat, I refused to do it. I splurged every now and then, but I never stuffed my face with unhealthy foods in an uncontrollable manner.

It really just makes me sad and disappointed in myself. Oh, and by the way, the scale says I've gained almost 7 pounds (and that was before the pasta). Now, I'm sitting here trying to think of a solution. I don't want to continue down this path, but I don't know how to stop myself.

Recipe: Baked spaghetti

Ingredients
3/4 pound lean ground turkey
8 oz. sliced baby portabello mushrooms
1 teaspoon garlic powder
1 teaspoon Italian seasoning
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 jar spaghetti sauce (I used Bertolli tomato and basil.)
8 oz. uncooked whole-wheat pasta
3 tablespoons reduced-fat grated parmesan cheese

Heat olive oil in nonstick skillet. Add turkey. Chop mushrooms and add to pan. Saute until turkey is cooked through. Add garlic powder and Italian seasoning. Reduce heat and let pan cool slightly. Add spaghetti sauce. Meanwhile, cook pasta according to package directions. Combine sauce mixture and pasta in a large casserole dish. Top with cheese. Bake for 20 minutes at 300 degrees. Makes 4 to 6 servings.

Weekly weigh-in: No harm done

Last week's weight: 184.8
This week's weight: 184.8
Difference: 0
Total weight lost since January 2010: 87 pounds

I weighed in a day early this week because I have family coming to visit for the long weekend and figured I'd probably not eat as well as I should. The really good news is that all of the junk food consumed during last weekend's hurricane didn't have as big of an impact as I expected.

I'm honestly shocked that I didn't gain weight this week. Of course, there will be splurging this weekend, so I'll be singing a different tune next Friday. But that's OK. As I've said quite a few times recently, I seem to be hovering around the 85-pounds-lost zone. As long as I'm not gaining, I'm not going to worry about it too much.

I still have my goal in mind (35 more pounds to go), but I'm not going to stress about staying right where I am a little longer. Maintaining isn't easy. And I truly believe that eventually I'll start losing again. With everything else going on in my life right now, though, I can live with the weekly ups and downs.

Weekly weigh-in: Hit by a hurricane

Last week's weight: 186.6
This week's weight: 184.8
Difference: 1.8
Total weight lost since January 2010: 87

Obviously, I'm a little late posting this week's update. Sorry about that, but with a hurricane approaching, I simply didn't have time. The good news is that I lost weight for the second week in a row. The bad news is that I wasn't very diligent about my eating habits for 48 hours after Friday morning's weigh-in.

What can I say? I spent 24 hours at the office during Hurricane Irene and I ate whatever I wanted. That included pizza, cheese, cookies, peanut butter, McDonald's, hot chocolate, Coke ... and probably a few things I can't even remember.

By the time Saturday afternoon rolled around, I could barely function because of exhaustion and I felt sick from so much junk food. I'm trying to return to normal today, but I did slip and eat two cookies at the office earlier today. Otherwise, though, I've done OK.

The scale reported this morning that those two days cost me four pounds. I'm hoping I didn't really gain that much in two days, but it is possible given what I ate. All I can do now is look forward and try to do well for the rest of this week.

Weekly weigh-in: Not easily fooled

Last week's weight: 188.8
This week's weight: 186.6
Difference: -2.2
Total weight lost since January 2010: 85.2

Sorry my weekly check-in is a day late. I did, in fact, weigh Friday morning as usual, but yesterday was so chaotic at work that I didn't have to blog. When I got home, I was exhausted and never even turned on my computer.

Anyway, I know I should be happy with a loss after last week's significant gain. But I'm not. Obviously, I'm still hovering around the same number -- give or take a few pounds each week. As you know, I use the Weight Watchers online version to help me keep track of my progress. I entered my weight this week and made the mistake of looking at the chart for the past 12 weeks.

Zero weight lost. Three months have gone by and I have nothing to show for it. I want to convince myself that at least I'm not gaining. Everyone else tells me that I should be proud of how far I've come and that if I never lose another pound, it's OK. But it takes more than that to fool my brain.

I recognize the progress I've made. Not only with losing weight, but also in exercising and simply being healthier. I am proud of that, but I'm not happy with where I am. I set a realistic end goal -- between 150 and 155 pounds. I just can't figure out how to get there.

I've spent a lot of time lately looking back to try to determine when things truly got off track. Based on the numbers on the scale, my weight loss slowed dramatically starting in November of last year. I had a lot going on in my life and that's when I really started seeing myself as a different person. That's also when I started allowing myself indulgences. Then the holidays came. And I've simply never recovered.

I keep trying, but it won't stick. Every time I feel like I'm making progress, I allow myself to splurge. I don't know how to get myself to make the right choices again. I know what to do, but I don't do it. I know I have to keep trying.

I've been thinking that maybe a change in my routine might help. For example, I've thought about starting to attend Weight Watchers meetings. So far, I've only used the online tracking system. Do the meetings make a difference?

Falling apart at the seams

It's been one of those days. You know, the kind where nothing seems to work out right. Every time I solved one problem, another one popped up. Nothing major. Just lots of little annoyances. I decided I would walk away my bad mood when I got home from work.

That's when I discovered my tennis shoes are falling apart at the seams. (I bet you thought this post was going to be about something else.) For weeks, I've been walking early in the morning. It's usually still dark in my house when I put on my shoes, so I guess that's my I hadn't noticed.

On the inside of both feet, apparently my heel rubs the shoe. Or I guess the shoe rubs my heel. The material is completely worn through and there's actually a hole in the seam in both shoes. Naturally, I just put them on anyway and headed out for my walk.

I noticed that the worn spots are exactly where my heels tend to hurt. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that I need new shoes. I already knew that because my current tennis shoes are a size bigger than I normally wear these days, but I didn't want to spend the money so I just kept lacing them up tight. Now, I know I have to.

Obviously, if I'm going to be serious about walking/jogging, I need shoes that fit properly. I have no idea what that includes. I'm hoping some nice salesperson will be able to help me. I'm going to try to go after work tomorrow.

On a related note, seeing the holes in my shoes reminded me of my all-time favorite movie -- Joe Versus the Volcano. Near the beginning, Joe notices that the sole of his shoe is falling off and he says: "I'm losing my sole." Of course, he's really talking about his soul.

Weekly weigh-in: Acceptance

Last week's weight: 185.8
This week's weight: 188.8
Difference: +3
Total weight lost since January 2010: 83

I had accepted pretty early on in this week that today's weigh-in wasn't going to go well. I knew that last weekend's indulgences would be a problem. And the overeating and poor choices continued during the week. So I resigned to gaining weight and tried not to worry too much about it. Of course, now I'm faced with starting over again. I've said it before -- once I start down the wrong path, it's hard to turn around. But I'm going to try.

No one to blame but myself

I think I'm going to just call this the lost week. I tried so hard to get back on track after this weekend's backsliding, but I couldn't do it. I totally caved today and ate a huge amount of Thai fried rice for lunch. Seriously, it was more points than I'm allowed for the whole day. It would have been OK had I not gone so overboard this weekend. Put the two together and Friday's weigh-in is going to be a disaster. I actually made the mistake of getting on the scale when I got home today. Ugh! Not a pretty sight.

But I want to be clear. Although I might jokingly say someone talked me into indulging in something unhealthy, I made the choice. No one else is to blame for my decisions. And others should never feel bad for the choices they make around me. I might hate when someone brings cookies into the office, but it's my choice to eat them.

I don't believe in blaming others for my problems just like I don't believe in making excuses for failure. People have often told me I expect too much of myself and others. Seriously? How else do you achieve your goals if you don't have high expectations? Anyway, my point is that I am responsible for myself and my actions. And I can whine and complain all I want about how I was sad or frustrated or unhappy and that made me eat bad foods. But that's no excuse.

So I'm giving up on this week. Yes, it's been a setback. Yes, I'm regret all of the bad things I've eaten. Yes, I'm going to be depressed about gaining weight this week. But I'm not going to let it be a long-term problem. I'm not giving up.

Rallying the troops

This weekend's backsliding caused me to wake up this morning feeling kind of blue. I dragged myself out of bed for walking/jogging, but it was so hot and humid that I mostly walked. And I did only two laps around my neighborhood instead of my usual three.

But I was determined to get back on track today. I've done well with my eating -- oatmeal and fruit for breakfast, salad for lunch (it did have bacon bits and a little feta cheese), cucumbers and carrots with hummus for snack, tortellini and broccoli for dinner. Oh, and a watermelon slushie.

I got to thinking this evening about how I felt better. I know I can't undo the damage this weekend's eating did (so I expect to have gained weight come this Friday), but I was reminded today that I shouldn't let minor setbacks cause me to lose sight of my goal.

I feel like there's been a shift in my mindset today. The voices that were shouting: "Give up!" have been quieted. Instead, I'm seeing that this is just a bump in the road. I'll get past it eventually.

I've also decided to bring back the happy list. For those new to my blog, this is a list I started last summer where I noted five things each day that made me happy that day. I probably won't blog about them every day this time, but I do intend to at least make the mental list each night.

Here's today's list:

1. I had a lovely lunch with my boss. It was a good chance to catch up and she's the one who reminded me not to let a few obstacles derail me.

2. I got several compliments on my new shoes. I bought them Saturday at Target even though I have no business spending money right now. But I loved them ... and it turns out they're really comfortable -- for heels.

3. I got caught up on several items on my to-do list. Of course, there's always more work to be done, but it feels nice to have a few things marked off.

4. I made a change in how we do things at work that made one of my employees happy. As usual, I'm not going into detail about work, but it felt good to see how excited the person was about the change.

5. I ate well and exercised for 30 minutes. I could have done better on both counts, but I am happy at the effort I made today.

Losing the battle, winning the war

After Friday's weigh-in, I had a feeling I wasn't going to be able to resist temptation. I felt like I was starving all day. I ate more than normal during the day, but nothing too crazy. After work, though, I just couldn't fight it anymore.

Yes, keeping track of everything I eat and stopping myself from eating whatever I want often feels like a fight. It can be draining. On Friday afternoon, I decided to just give in. I had mac and cheese and cookies for dinner. I felt sick afterward, which just makes me feel stupid for stuffing my face.

I started Saturday with a renewed sense of purpose. Oatmeal and a banana for breakfast. Light soup for lunch. Popcorn for snack in the afternoon. Then, I snapped again. I actually got in the car and drove to Costco to get pizza for dinner. I ate three pieces and then had lowfat ice cream for dessert.

I didn't feel sick this time. Instead, I went to bed feeling full and satisfied. When I woke up this morning, I was starving. So I ate two pieces of leftover pizza for breakfast. Before this morning's pizza, the scale was already showing the effects of my splurging -- up 1.2 pounds since Friday.

I don't like where this is going, but I don't know how to stop myself. I'm so tired. Eating the right foods and the right amount is exhausting. I've changed my behavior in a lot of ways, but old habits are hard to break.

What scares me is that I wasn't even regretting this weekend's indulgences until I was cleaning out my wallet and looked at my driver's license photo. Is that what I look like when I eat pizza and pasta and cookies? I know a couple of days of bad eating won't cause me to gain back 85 pounds, but I feel like that person from a year and a half ago when I eat those foods.

I've written a lot about how much I've changed, not just physically, since this journey began. Have I really? Sometimes, I feel like the same old me. The one who ate to feel better. I don't want to go back, but I don't know how to stop myself. I just don't know if I can keep fighting it.

As usual, writing this post has given me a bit of clarity. I know how to fight it. I'm a very strategic thinker and a problem solver by nature. I need a plan of attack. That's going to be my goal for the day. I may have lost the battle this weekend, but I can still win the war.

Weekly weigh-in: Stuck

Last week's weight: 185.8
This week's weight: 185.8
Difference: 0
Total weight lost since January 2010: 86

I'm disappointed with this week's result. When I first weighed this morning, I was actually pretty grumpy about it. All I could think was "why am I even bothering to try." I kept thinking about everything I want to eat but never do anymore. Then, I thought maybe I should take a break for a week. Just eat whatever I want.

But I knew that wasn't the right approach. For so many months, I've been stuck right around 85 pounds lost. I truly felt like last week's success had me headed in the right direction. I don't expect to see huge losses each week. But I did expect to lose weight this week. I stayed within my daily Weight Watchers points allotment almost every day. And even on the days I went over, I didn't go over my extra points allotment for the week. I walked/jogged four of the seven days.

I should have lost at least a little something. So I'm frustrated today. And to top it off, it's been an up and down week at work as well. I've had to put in a lot of extra hours (partly because I was home sick Monday with a migraine, which put me behind) and I haven't been sleeping well. Oh, and the eye twitching just won't seem to go away. It gets better for a day or two, but then it's back.

The good news is that I did not get a bagel with sausage, egg and cheese at Dunkin Donuts this morning. That's what I used to eat almost daily before I started this journey. I haven't had one since. In some ways, I use that as my measuring stick. If I get so far off track that I'm ordering that for breakfast, I may never reach my goal. Today, I'm sticking with my fat-free yogurt I brought from home.

That's a good sign. I know the right thing to do now is stay the course. One more week of exercising regularly and healthy eating and I will lose weight.

Constant vigilance

Since I started this journey in January 2010, I don't think I've had a single day where I ate whatever I wanted. Even when I splurge, it's measured and calculated. I tell myself that I'll just eat a little bit. Or a few bites won't hurt.

Well, that's not exactly true. The more I eat unhealthy foods, the more I want. I really believe that to be true. Limiting sugar this past week was difficult, but worth it. I felt so much better all week, and, of course, I lost weight.

But keeping it up requires constant vigilance. For example, I let my guard down Saturday and had gelato for lunch. It was so creamy and yummy. But I regretted it immediately. I felt guilty for eating it, but then I also felt bad from the effects of the sugar. And maybe it was psychological, but all I wanted to do after eating it was eat more. I ended up making a chocolate milkshake after dinner. (I did use lowfat ice cream, but still ...)

Some days, sticking with my new way of eating feels like so much work. In the grocery store yesterday, I almost bought a box of Kraft macaroni and cheese. Seriously. I have to admit that I actually looked at all of the mac and cheese selections for about 30 seconds. I moved on, but I hate that I was even tempted.

What bothers me is how much I have to think about what I'm eating. I've said it before. If I plan, I stay on track. So that's what I'm doing now. Planning for today and the rest of the week when all I can think about is how I'd like to have pancakes and bacon for breakfast.

Weekly weigh-in: I know what it takes

Last week's weight: 187.2
This week's weight: 185.8
Difference: -1.4
Total weight lost since January 2010: 86

It was a good week. It seems that my resolve to eat better and exercise more paid off. But it was a difficult week. I didn't feel hungry, but I wanted to eat so much more. I really had to fight the urge to snack. Cutting back severely on sugar also wasn't easy. And the exercise part ... well, let's just say that my legs hurt, my ankles hurt, my feet hurt. But I jogged/walked five days in a row and I followed the Couch to 5K plan.

Enough with the complaining. I'm thrilled I lost weight. I feel really good mentally and physically. And I kept up my end of the bargain (jogging this morning) so I can keep the new shoes I bought yesterday. I guess the bribe worked.

Now I just have to do it for another week. At least I now know what it takes to be successful again.

Bribing myself

I'm undecided about whether I did the right thing, but it did stop me from eating this afternoon. We were having a farewell celebration in the newsroom for our interns, so we had cake and pizza. I'd been dreading this afternoon all week.

Pizza!!!! I've been craving it for weeks. I felt fairly certain I could pass up the cake. It's never been one of my favorite foods. But I knew I couldn't resist the pizza. So I planned ahead. I ate light for lunch and convinced myself in advance that I would not eat more than two pieces.

I was so tempted to go back for more. And the chocolate cake almost got the better of me. But I stuck to my plan. When I left work, instead of going home where I'd be tempted to eat more, I headed to the mall. I figured I deserved a reward. I finally bought new shoes.

Although they were on sale, I had no business spending money on them. So I decided the only way I can keep them is if I get up early tomorrow morning and follow my Couch to 5K program. I've been on track all week with my eating and exercise. I don't want to blow it now. I figure if bribing myself with new shoes works, it's totally worth it.

Idle hands

It's day three of my attempt to significantly limit how much sugar I eat and I'm feeling a bit jittery this afternoon. It's too early for dinner, but I'm tempted to have a snack. Something chocolate.

I'm hoping by blogging about it, I'll be able to resist temptation. I've noticed these past three days that sticking to my new eating plan is much easier when I stay busy. Luckily, I've had plenty to do at work. Lots of meetings and other work.

When I get home, though, it gets harder. I'm tired (probably the sugar withdrawal), so I plop down on the couch and flip on the TV. Then I start thinking about food.

I made it through Monday and Tuesday night because I had leftovers for dinner and I went to bed early. I still had snacks at night, but waiting until after I'd gone to bed helped me limit what I ate. Today is a different story. Nothing planned for dinner.

I've got chicken thawing but I still don't even know how I'm going to prepare it or what I'm going to have with it. I want pasta. A small serving would keep me well within my Weight Watchers points allotment, but I'm worried that a small amount will just make me want more.

So I've got mushrooms, peas, brussels sprouts, black-eyed peas and corn. Hmmm ... none of that sounds very appealing with the chicken. I've also got eggs and cheese and frozen sweet potato pancakes. Would it be completely strange to make an omelet with the eggs, mushrooms and cheese and then have chicken on the side? Or maybe I could throw the chicken and peas in with the eggs, cheese and mushrooms and make a frittata. That could be OK.

Yes, I know I was just thinking outloud. I needed to talk myself through it. I feel better. I have a plan. Frittata it is. Plus, it will take time to get everything prepared, which should keep me busy and stop me from eating before dinner gets ready.

It's working!

I don't want to get too excited because it is only day two. But my attempts to cut back severely on sugar seem to be working. I felt great yesterday and managed to eat very little sugar, except for fruit. The same is true so far today.

And, the best news, the scale is cooperating again. I know it's early in the week and things could change before Friday's weigh-in. But I like what I see so far. I just need to stick with it.

Honestly, though, I don't feel nearly as hungry as I did. A few days ago, I would have been starving by this time of day and barely able to wait until dinner. I'm hungry right now, but I'm not in a rush to fix dinner. And I simply feel good.

Also, tomorrow will be my second day on the Couch to 5K program. I'm actually feeling kind of excited about giving it another try in the morning. I hope I feel that way when the alarm goes off at 5:30 a.m.

Sugar withdrawal

I've talked before about the negative effects of sugar. Eating it makes me hyper and not eating it makes me jittery. Although I have no scientific research to back me, I also think eating sugar makes me hungrier.

I believe one of the reasons I was so successful in the beginning of my journey is that I seriously cut back on sugar. Before I started trying to lose weight, my diet was loaded with sugar -- soft drinks, candy, ice cream, cookies, etc. When I joined Weight Watchers in January 2010, though, I eliminated most of these.

I'd still have a treat after dinner, but that usually consisted of a Weight Watchers popsicle or ice cream sandwich. Over time, I've noticed that I've gradually introduced sugar back into my diet. I eat lowfat ice cream and frozen yogurt with sugar. I eat the 100 calorie snacks (mostly cookies) with sugar. I've even been eating cereal with sugar. With all of these foods, I've tried to eat healthy amounts and stay within my Weight Watchers points allotment.

But the sugar just isn't good for me. The more I eat of it, the more I want. It's truly addictive.

So I've renewed my effort to cut back. I don't think I can eliminate sugar entirely because it's in everything. Well, it seems that way. Today, for example, I switched to plain oatmeal for breakfast. Blah! I had to add a little Splenda just so I could eat it.

The good news is that I noticed I didn't need a snack before lunch, which had become routine. The bad news is that my Lean Cuisine I brought for lunch had sugar listed as one of the ingredients. I ate it anyway. Then, for dinner tonight, I had leftover barbecue chicken. Well, the barbecue had sugar (but not high fructose corn syrup). And my frozen brussels sprouts had sugar. I think these were minor amounts, certainly compared to what I have been eating.

Plus, I am still eating fruit. I know it has sugar, but it's natural and doesn't seem to have the same effect on me as sweets. I think it's the processed sugar that's the problem. So for snacks today I've had fresh cherries, a banana and two rice cakes.

Usually at this time of night is when I really want to munch on something. But I actually still feel full from dinner. I'm a little jittery from cutting back on the sugar today, but I feel good. Unless you've experienced ups and downs in your blood sugar, it's hard for me to explain.

I think that if I could string a couple of days together like this one, I would feel amazing. The key is going to be getting through the next three hours without giving in to my sugar cravings, which are sure to come. But I'm already plotting what I will eat for a snack later this evening ... maybe a nonfat smoothie. The protein from the yogurt, which doesn't include sugar, but does list cane juice (which is essentially like sugar but not processed), should satisfy me.

If you have any suggestions for sugar-free snacks, please pass them along. BTW, I'm trying to avoid artificial sweeteners. I use one Splenda in my coffee and a half a packet in a cup of hot tea at night. Oh, and I bought frozen (unsweetened) fruit to mix with my oatmeal tomorrow so I wouldn't need to add Splenda to that again.

Couch to 5K training has begun

When the alarm went off this morning, I must have really been asleep. At first, I didn't even realize what time it was or what day it was. A few minutes later, I realized I was supposed to be getting up to start my Couch to 5K training.

I was tempted to delay it, but then I got on the scale and noticed that I gained two pounds over the weekend. Really? Ugh! So I headed outside. Immediately, I felt the hot sticky air and saw lots of dark clouds. After hardly a drop of rain in weeks, was it really going to be raining this morning?

But I was determined. I walked for five minutes as the program says I should. Then I was supposed to jog for 60 seconds and walk for 90 seconds -- for a total of 20 minutes. I didn't have a timer, so I jogged for 60 steps, then walked for 90 steps. After 10 minutes, I felt sprinkles. Luckily, I was close to home. It drizzled for about 5 minutes and stopped. So I headed back outside. I continued the jogging/walking for 10 more minutes. Then I walked a cool-down lap around my neighborhood. It started to drizzle again just as I was finishing but I was so sweaty and hot that it actually felt nice.

On one hand, it was harder than I expected. But on the other hand, it wasn't as bad as I had made it out to be in my mind. Physically, I can tell that the jogging worked muscles I'm not used to working. My legs are a little sore, but they don't hurt. It was easier because I worried that I wouldn't even be able to get through the first day. (I'm sure the short break in the middle helped.)

So the plan calls for doing this three times a week with a day break in between. My plan is to do it Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Is it OK to still walk my usual laps on Tuesdays and Thursdays? I don't see why it would hurt. I know I don't want to overdo it, but I find that I really enjoy the walking before work and I want to keep it up as much as possible.

What are my dreams telling me?

I may have said this before but analyzing my dreams really doesn't take much effort. I slept terrible last night and had four different dreams. The odd part is that I remembered them all when I first woke up. I don't remember all the details now, but there was a theme -- something I'm doing wrong at work.

It really doesn't take a rocket scientist (or a psychologist) to figure out why I dreamed what I did last night. There was an incident at work Friday where I ended up feeling like my feelings don't count and that I had done something wrong when I felt like I had actually done the right thing.

As usual, the details don't really matter. What's important to me is that I need to find a way to let go of the stress this situation has caused because I know that lack of sleep and stress make me weak when it comes to maintaining good eating habits. Already, I binged on chocolate-covered almonds last night. I don't think I did too much damage, but I can't afford to let it happen again.

I write a lot about staying positive and not letting the little setbacks become huge stumbling blocks. But it's not that easy when I don't see progress on the scale and then I face professional obstacles as well. I just end up feeling like I can't do anything right, which I know isn't true. But I can't help how I feel.

Weekly weigh-in: Paying the price for poor decisions

This week's weight: 187.2
Last week's weight: 186.4
Difference: +0.8
Total weight lost since January 2010: 84.6

If you read yesterday's post, you know I was prepared for what I saw on the scale this morning. In some respects, I did really well this week. I walked/jogged three days and I generally felt good about my progress. But, in hindsight, I know I didn't always eat/drink the right things. And I'm certain that three specific splurges led to the gain. I knew I was choosing the wrong path, but I did it anyway. I was pretty unhappy with myself yesterday, but I feel better about it today. Overall, I had a good week. I felt good and I felt like I was enjoying my life. So I gained a little. I'll lose it this week. It's always going to be a constant battle.

What happened?

I felt so good earlier this week. I walked/jogged before work Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. And, despite a couple of splurges, I'd been eating well. The scale wasn't exactly cooperating, but I felt good and was in such a good mood.

I crumbled today. I didn't get up to walk before work today because my head was hurting when I woke up. So I just laid in the bed. By the time I got to work, though, I felt better and wasn't letting it bother me too much. Then lunchtime rolled around. I couldn't make myself eat the frozen dinner I had brought. Instead, I got Chinese with a colleague.

The scale when I got home told me quickly that I didn't make the right decision. Tomorrow morning's weigh-in will likely not go well. The number I just saw on the scale (189 pounds) is the highest I've seen in weeks. I'm gonna drink lots of water tonight and really try to go light on dinner. But it probably won't be enough to make a difference at this point.

I'm really disappointed in myself. I feel like there was no good reason for me to slip. I just didn't have the will power to see it through today. And I really needed a good day because of the splurges earlier in the week. It's just so frustrating.

Ready to run?

A year ago, when I first started incorporating physical activity (mostly walking) into my weight-loss journey, I blogged about wanting to be a runner. I tried jogging a little last summer, but I never managed to make a habit of it. Then, I barely even walked for months.

Now that I'm back to walking most days, I decided it was time to think about running again. I actually jogged a bit during this morning's outing. I didn't keep track, so I can't be sure, but I think I jogged about a half mile. My total outing was 1.8 miles.

Of course, that got me to thinking about my desire to run a 5K. It's one of the things on my list to do before I'm 40. (I'm 38 now.) I looked up the Couch-to-5K Training Plan, which I know has worked for a lot of people. My goal now is to continue with my walking/jogging this week and to start that training plan next week.

Seeing it in print is a little overwhelming. Week one, I have to jog for 60 seconds then walk for 90 seconds for a total of 20 minutes. I honestly don't know if I can jog for 60 seconds right now. Maybe by next week, though.

Plus, it can't hurt to try. Just the little bit of jogging I did this morning worked different muscles. And I really like the way I feel when I include exercise in my routine. I've long said that part of my goal is to get fit, not just to lose weight.

Recipe: Garlic chicken with broccoli and mushrooms

Ingredients

1/2 pound boneless chicken breast
2 cups broccoli (I used frozen, but you could also use fresh.)
1 package pre-sliced mushrooms
2 tsp. olive oil
1 tbsp. low-sodium soy sauce
1 tbsp. chopped garlic
1 1/2 cups low-sodium chicken broth
1 1/2 tbsp. cornstarch
Salt, pepper to taste
A drizzle of sesame oil (optional)
5 oz. organic ramen noodles (I found these at World Market, but you could use 2 cups of cooked brown rice instead.)

Cut chicken into bite-sized pieces and place in a resealable bag with soy sauce and garlic. Marinate in the refrigerator for at least an hour. (I let mine marinate for six hours.) Heat olive oil in a non-stick skillet. Add mushrooms and cook until tender. Add chicken and cook until browned on the outside. Add broccoli and 1 cup of chicken broth.Cook until broccoli is tender and chicken is cooked through. Stir cornstarch into remaining chicken broth and add to skillet. Bring to a bubble, stirring constantly. Cook until desired consistency. Drizzle with sesame oil (use just a little bit). Meanwhile, cook noodles according to package directions. Put cooked noodles on a large plate and pour chicken mixture on top. Makes four servings.

A new attitude

It's been one week since I decided I couldn't continue down the path I was on. And I honestly don't remember the last time I felt this good physically and mentally.

I haven't been perfect in my eating (I had a big splurge at dinner last night), but I've done better. And I've tried not to let a slip here and there get me down. Instead, I just start over the next day. That's exactly what I'm doing today.

I've already planned what I'm going to eat today and I'm working on the rest of the week. Having a plan really helps. If I know I'm going to get a snack in 30 minutes, I can usually wait and won't be tempted to just grab something off the counter.

The best part about this past week, though, has been how I feel mentally. My attitude has been much better and I haven't let little things stress me out. For months, I've felt like there was some sort of weight on my shoulders. It even goes back to before my dad passed away. I've written before about the rational versus irrational parts of my brain. The rational part seems completely in control these days and I'm thankful for that.

I keep thinking about how good I felt this time last summer. I had just started walking as part of my weight loss effort. I think the activity really helped with my mood. I started back this week and I feel better. But I also know that eating bad foods also doesn't help. So I don't know why I do it.

Anyway, I'm happy today because even though I may not be entirely on track, my attitude is better, which means my eating will get there.

Weekly weigh-in: Gonna try not to let it get me down

Last week's weight: 187
This week's weight: 186.4
Difference: -0.6
Total weight lost since January 2010: 85.4

As you know if you've been reading this week, it's been a roller-coaster ride. Last week, I truly hit rock bottom. I thought I had before. But Saturday was it. After scarfing down nearly an entire bag of Cheez Doodles that day, I was panicked about whether I could move forward. The voice in my head kept saying, "Why are you even bothering to try?"

Luckily, I rebounded quickly. By Sunday, I had a new attitude. I walked five days in a row and stayed on track with my points every day but Thursday. I had to see a better result on the scale, but I also know that I'm glad to have lost. I know that if I could just string together a few good weeks, I'd see the changes I want to see.

I'm still holding onto my goal of getting to 100 pounds lost by Oct. 1. It seems impossible right now. But I don't want to give up. And I don't want to let setbacks get me down. It doesn't matter what the scale said this morning. I've felt better this week than I have in a long time. That's evidence enough that I have to keep trying even when I fail from time to time.

Effort counts

"Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it." - Bill Cosby

A friend of mine posted this quote on facebook a little bit ago and at first it didn't hit me. After about five minutes, though, I found myself thinking about it. This could be the motto for my life during the past year and a half.

When I first decided to try losing weight, I was scared. Mostly of failure and public humiliation. What if I told people I was going to lose weight and then I didn't do it? Those who know me best know that when I say I'm going to do something, I do it. I think you call that reliable and dependable. Sure enough, as soon as I committed to losing weight, I did it.

Then, when I decided to add exercise to my routine, I was scared. With my first visit to The Loop at Wrightsville Beach (almost exactly a year ago), my heart was pounding before I even started walking. What if I couldn't do it? What if I had to stop along the way? I did have to stop and rest and nothing bad happened. Eventually, I made it all the way around.

Then, as the holidays came and went and I noticed that my eating habits were headed in the wrong direction, I got scared. As the months dragged on, I really did nothing to change my habits. In fact, they got worse. Three days ago, however, I made up my mind to change. If I'm afraid of ending up back at 271.8 pounds, why aren't I doing something about it?

I know it sounds strange to think that I'm afraid of losing weight. I am afraid I won't be able to maintain what I've achieved. But I want these changes to be permanent and I want to feel as good as I do right now.

The scale hasn't budged in the past three days, but I feel great. I've told several people that walking each morning before work has really improved my mood and outlook on the day. Mentally, I feel clearer. And, of course, I'm managing stress much better. Those things are helping me make better food choices. I went over slightly yesterday, but Sunday I was right on target and so far today I'm under my Weight Watchers points allotment.

I want to be successful in this journey far more than I'm afraid of what it will take to achieve that success. In action is fear. I will not fail because I did nothing. At least I'm trying.