I'd never want to minimize how difficult it is for a drug addict or alcoholic to give up their addictions, but I do think battling a food addiction is at least similar. As I come to the end of day three of tracking everything I eat and focusing on healthy foods, I'm feeling a tremendous sense of anxiety. And I'm starving.
Four years ago, I started this journey at 271.8 pounds. Tracking my Weight Watchers points was actually pretty easy in the beginning. I got a lot of points back then so I could eat a lot more than I can now. All I really had to do was cut my portion sizes and eat more smaller meals throughout the day.
But now I feel like I have to virtually starve myself to lose weight. Keep in mind, that's just how I feel. The truth is that my daily Weight Watchers points allotment includes plenty of food ... if I eat the right foods. The problem is that I still want pasta, bread, chocolate and chips.
Right now, for example, I've used all but 4 points (which I'm saving for a snack before bed). I'm so fidgety that all I can think about is food. I want to go into the kitchen and eat the entire pack of crackers or the whole bag of tortilla chips. If I had a pizza, I could probably eat the whole thing.
I knew withdrawal (mostly from sugar, but also from the amount of food) wouldn't be easy. While I was visiting family for Christmas, I didn't even try to eat healthy foods. In fact, I ate more cookies and pieces of candy in those four days than I probably ate all year. I also drank too many martinis and ate so many foods filled with sodium and fat.
If you're a regular reader, though, you know that I've been headed down this unhealthy path for the past year. As I drove back to Wilmington Friday, I decided it was time to start over. Yes, I've said that before only to be disappointed a few days into my renewed effort.
I've thought a lot about why I was so successful in the beginning and I'm going to try to return to those habits. They include tracking everything I eat, regular exercise, planning what I eat and making smart choices when eating out. It's only been three days, but I've accomplished all of these goals each day so far.
The longer I struggle, the more I realize that food addiction is a disease. I don't know exactly what causes me to want to eat so much, and I don't think there's a cure. So it's a battle I will fight for the rest of my life. The one thing I do know is that when I eat better, I feel better.
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Head, shoulders, knees and toes
That's been running through my mind all day because the only part that isn't sore is my head. After four days of focusing on strength-training exercises, I've got a terrible pain in my right shoulder/neck muscle. My knees ache every time I move and all of the muscles in my feet hurt.
Other than that, I feel great! Naturally, the scale isn't cooperating, but I feel happy with myself for trying something different. I know that it will take time to see results, so I just need to stick with it. I've visited two different boot camp programs in the past four days and I left one with a list of exercises to complete over the next two weeks to build p my stamina.
Now I just have to decide if the classes are something I want to try. I liked them both, but they are very expensive. I can afford them if I cut out a few other luxuries. So I have a lot to thik about ver the next two weeks.
Also, the muscle soreness might be a deterrent. I know that's just part of the process, but it's still not say dealing with it. Plus, my muscles are sore. I haven't injured anything. I'm just using muscles that are used to sitting around doing nothing. They don't like this new approach. But we've all got to deal with change at some point in our lives.
Other than that, I feel great! Naturally, the scale isn't cooperating, but I feel happy with myself for trying something different. I know that it will take time to see results, so I just need to stick with it. I've visited two different boot camp programs in the past four days and I left one with a list of exercises to complete over the next two weeks to build p my stamina.
Now I just have to decide if the classes are something I want to try. I liked them both, but they are very expensive. I can afford them if I cut out a few other luxuries. So I have a lot to thik about ver the next two weeks.
Also, the muscle soreness might be a deterrent. I know that's just part of the process, but it's still not say dealing with it. Plus, my muscles are sore. I haven't injured anything. I'm just using muscles that are used to sitting around doing nothing. They don't like this new approach. But we've all got to deal with change at some point in our lives.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Everyone deserves a second chance
If you read my post from this past week about meeting with a fitness coach, you know it didn't go so well. I wasn't feeling good about the session or the woman. But I'd already paid for a one-on-one training session designed to teach me how to do the various exercises correctly and how to modify them to fit my beginner level.
That session was yesterday and I'm feeling so much better about it. I spent about an hour and fitness with the coach, focusing on all the basic strength-training moves. She demonstrated how to do each exercise and she helped me practice good form. We focused on the lower body first, then the upper body.
When I left, she emailed me a two-week plan to do at home over the holidays. She said completing the plan should build up a little strength and get me ready for the pace of her classes.
I'm so glad I gave her a second chance. I really enjoyed yesterday's session and I appreciate that she created a fitness plan to get me through the next couple of weeks on my own. And I'm proud of myself for completing day one today.
The plan has me doing strength-training exercises two days a week and walking three days a week for the next two weeks. Based on today's routine, I can see how this will slowly build more strength in my upper body without causing major muscle aches and pains. Chest and shoulder muscles are a little sore, but nothing I can't handle.
While I liked this coach this time around, I'm still going to check out a program a friend at work goes to. Based on yesterday's session, though, I already feel committed to this woman and her program.
My goal is to truly be ready to step up my fitness workouts after the holidays. Four years ago, in January 2010, I began this journey with little hope of success. I still remember the feeling I had each week as the number on the scale dropped and my clothes got too big. I've learned a lot and I've had my ups and downs. I see this as my second chance at success.
That session was yesterday and I'm feeling so much better about it. I spent about an hour and fitness with the coach, focusing on all the basic strength-training moves. She demonstrated how to do each exercise and she helped me practice good form. We focused on the lower body first, then the upper body.
When I left, she emailed me a two-week plan to do at home over the holidays. She said completing the plan should build up a little strength and get me ready for the pace of her classes.
I'm so glad I gave her a second chance. I really enjoyed yesterday's session and I appreciate that she created a fitness plan to get me through the next couple of weeks on my own. And I'm proud of myself for completing day one today.
The plan has me doing strength-training exercises two days a week and walking three days a week for the next two weeks. Based on today's routine, I can see how this will slowly build more strength in my upper body without causing major muscle aches and pains. Chest and shoulder muscles are a little sore, but nothing I can't handle.
While I liked this coach this time around, I'm still going to check out a program a friend at work goes to. Based on yesterday's session, though, I already feel committed to this woman and her program.
My goal is to truly be ready to step up my fitness workouts after the holidays. Four years ago, in January 2010, I began this journey with little hope of success. I still remember the feeling I had each week as the number on the scale dropped and my clothes got too big. I've learned a lot and I've had my ups and downs. I see this as my second chance at success.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Fitness test failure
I met with a fitness coach today. I was pretty nervous going in because I've never belonged to a gym or anything like that before. As I mentioned yesterday, I met this woman who owns her own studio where she offers small group classes just for women. The classes focus on total body training as well as specific areas, so that sounded like just what I needed.
We spent about 20 minutes talking about my weight loss so far and my goals. This part was a little awkward because the coach isn't a fan of Weight Watchers. She was nice about it, but she basically said it hasn't taught me how to eat right kinds of foods to make my body feel good. She also told me I needed to stop weighing in weekly. I think her exact words were: "Throw out the scale."
I can see where she's coming from, but WW and weekly weigh-ins have worked pretty well for me over the past four years. I may have hit a plateau, but I feel like I'm a success story for the WW program. I can appreciate her holistic approach to fitness because I definitely agree that it's not just about food or exercise. But I didn't exactly feel supported in that moment. I'm willing to admit, however, that maybe I'm being too sensitive simply because I felt very self-conscience about taking this step.
Then came the "fitness test." The coach warned me before I showed up that she wanted to measure my current fitness level, but I was not prepared for the level of difficulty. The test, including a couple of minutes of warm up and cool down, lasted about 12 minutes total. I seriously thought I might pass out. With a few moves, I couldn't keep up the pace she wanted. I know that building physical strength won't be easy, but I can't be expected to do it in one session.
When it was over, the woman -- in a nice way -- basically told me I wasn't ready for the classes she offers. She suggested I complete a couple of one-on-one sessions where she could show me how to do each move properly. And she said I would get a better idea of how difficult the classes area.
On one hand, I appreciate the offer of one-on-one sessions because she only offers three-month packages and I'd hate to pay all that money and quit after a week.On the other hand, it made me feel like a failure. If my arm and back muscles are sore after just a few minutes of training, how will I ever make it through an entire class?
This feeling of failure has me doing a lot of debating in my head tonight. I want so badly to be in better shape, but what if I really can't do it? Am I feeling negative about my experience today because of self-doubt or is it possible this isn't the right program for me? But then I try to tell myself that it will get easier and I should at least try. And I did sign up for two one-on-one sessions. If I don't like it, I don't have to do it.
We spent about 20 minutes talking about my weight loss so far and my goals. This part was a little awkward because the coach isn't a fan of Weight Watchers. She was nice about it, but she basically said it hasn't taught me how to eat right kinds of foods to make my body feel good. She also told me I needed to stop weighing in weekly. I think her exact words were: "Throw out the scale."
I can see where she's coming from, but WW and weekly weigh-ins have worked pretty well for me over the past four years. I may have hit a plateau, but I feel like I'm a success story for the WW program. I can appreciate her holistic approach to fitness because I definitely agree that it's not just about food or exercise. But I didn't exactly feel supported in that moment. I'm willing to admit, however, that maybe I'm being too sensitive simply because I felt very self-conscience about taking this step.
Then came the "fitness test." The coach warned me before I showed up that she wanted to measure my current fitness level, but I was not prepared for the level of difficulty. The test, including a couple of minutes of warm up and cool down, lasted about 12 minutes total. I seriously thought I might pass out. With a few moves, I couldn't keep up the pace she wanted. I know that building physical strength won't be easy, but I can't be expected to do it in one session.
When it was over, the woman -- in a nice way -- basically told me I wasn't ready for the classes she offers. She suggested I complete a couple of one-on-one sessions where she could show me how to do each move properly. And she said I would get a better idea of how difficult the classes area.
On one hand, I appreciate the offer of one-on-one sessions because she only offers three-month packages and I'd hate to pay all that money and quit after a week.On the other hand, it made me feel like a failure. If my arm and back muscles are sore after just a few minutes of training, how will I ever make it through an entire class?
This feeling of failure has me doing a lot of debating in my head tonight. I want so badly to be in better shape, but what if I really can't do it? Am I feeling negative about my experience today because of self-doubt or is it possible this isn't the right program for me? But then I try to tell myself that it will get easier and I should at least try. And I did sign up for two one-on-one sessions. If I don't like it, I don't have to do it.
Monday, December 9, 2013
Taking back control
Something I wrote in yesterday's blog post has convinced me that it's time for a change. I noted that by nature I tend to analyze a problem in my head until I find a solution. Sometimes, this requires constant focus. Other times, it takes a distraction for me to see the light.
Today was the last day of my four-day staycation. I planned to spend it cleaning the house and doing laundry. I did some of that, but I also spent about three hours reading. Immersing myself in someone else's world has helped me remember that how I feel about myself, the food I eat and the amount of exercise I do are all choices I make.
I am the only one who can control these things. And it's time I start doing just that if I intend to continue making progress. My journey started almost four years ago and it's one I will be on for the rest of my life. Instead of feeling weighed down by this, I should be excited that I now have the ability to control my weight. In turn, that has given me greater control over my entire life.
Mental strength is a big part of what it will take for me to get back on my successful path. But it will also take physical strength. I've used every excuse out there to convince myself that joining a gym wouldn't work for me. Fear of the unknown is probably the biggest hurdle. I met a fitness consultant this weekend who operates a studio where she offers small group classes just for women.
I emailed her today and now I'm meeting with her tomorrow for my one-on-one consultation. I don't know if I will sign up for her classes, but admitting that I can't do it on my own feels like a victory. Plus, I know that physical activity makes me feel better and makes me happier.
Today was the last day of my four-day staycation. I planned to spend it cleaning the house and doing laundry. I did some of that, but I also spent about three hours reading. Immersing myself in someone else's world has helped me remember that how I feel about myself, the food I eat and the amount of exercise I do are all choices I make.
I am the only one who can control these things. And it's time I start doing just that if I intend to continue making progress. My journey started almost four years ago and it's one I will be on for the rest of my life. Instead of feeling weighed down by this, I should be excited that I now have the ability to control my weight. In turn, that has given me greater control over my entire life.
Mental strength is a big part of what it will take for me to get back on my successful path. But it will also take physical strength. I've used every excuse out there to convince myself that joining a gym wouldn't work for me. Fear of the unknown is probably the biggest hurdle. I met a fitness consultant this weekend who operates a studio where she offers small group classes just for women.
I emailed her today and now I'm meeting with her tomorrow for my one-on-one consultation. I don't know if I will sign up for her classes, but admitting that I can't do it on my own feels like a victory. Plus, I know that physical activity makes me feel better and makes me happier.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Every day is a struggle
A friend commented one day this past week that she noticed I hadn't blogged lately. I told her I didn't have anything new to say because I'd made no progress with my weight-loss efforts. Well, I actually have a lot to say. I just worry about coming across as too negative.
I've made zero progress in the past month. In fact, I've lost ground. As of this past Friday (my weigh-in day every week for almost four years now), I weighed 185 pounds. The first Friday in December last year, I weighed 173.6 pounds. The gain over the past year is disappointing, frustrating and depressing. If you look back two years, the first Friday in December 2011, I weighed 182.2.
When I see these numbers, I want to cry. I feel like I've worked so hard in the past two years and to realize that I've actually gained weight is something I struggle with daily now. It makes me feel like I've wasted two years of my life.
It doesn't help that about a year ago, I decided it was time to start dating again and that hasn't gone as well as I'd hoped. If you follow my blog, you know I've been using match.com. Since my breakup about two months ago, I've gone on two dates.
One wasn't really a date because it was lunch and it was with someone I had met through match.com before I started dating my last boyfriend. We met that one time and then I didn't hear from him for three weeks. And even then it was a random text. Clearly, he wasn't interested in dating me.
The second person started with a few emails, then talking on the phone daily for a week. I felt uncertain about meeting him, but I finally agreed to dinner. I liked talking on the phone with him, so I figured it was best to meet in person and find out for sure if we were a match. The date was fine and he was very nice and flattering.
Unfortunately, it took that one date for me to realize that I'm not over my ex. Well, that date and dreaming about my ex the past two Saturday nights. I don't know what the universe is trying to tell me, but I am surprised that I miss being with him so much. We were only together five months and we've been broken up a little over two months. The rational side of my brain tells me it's time to move on. The irrational side keeps wondering why I wasn't good enough for him.
You can probably see how this, coupled with the weight gain, is causing serious self-esteem problems. And that, of course, leads to self-loathing, which I think is pushing me dangerously close to depression. See, this is the part I was worried would be too negative. I'm not happy with my life right now, but my nature is to keep analyzing what's not working until I find a solution.
When I started this blog, I was experiencing great success in my weight-loss journey, which led to happiness in other areas of my life. I blogged about my accomplishments and the obstacles I'd overcome to achieve success. The hard part now is that I seem to be experiencing only failures and that's much harder to share publicly.
I've made zero progress in the past month. In fact, I've lost ground. As of this past Friday (my weigh-in day every week for almost four years now), I weighed 185 pounds. The first Friday in December last year, I weighed 173.6 pounds. The gain over the past year is disappointing, frustrating and depressing. If you look back two years, the first Friday in December 2011, I weighed 182.2.
When I see these numbers, I want to cry. I feel like I've worked so hard in the past two years and to realize that I've actually gained weight is something I struggle with daily now. It makes me feel like I've wasted two years of my life.
It doesn't help that about a year ago, I decided it was time to start dating again and that hasn't gone as well as I'd hoped. If you follow my blog, you know I've been using match.com. Since my breakup about two months ago, I've gone on two dates.
One wasn't really a date because it was lunch and it was with someone I had met through match.com before I started dating my last boyfriend. We met that one time and then I didn't hear from him for three weeks. And even then it was a random text. Clearly, he wasn't interested in dating me.
The second person started with a few emails, then talking on the phone daily for a week. I felt uncertain about meeting him, but I finally agreed to dinner. I liked talking on the phone with him, so I figured it was best to meet in person and find out for sure if we were a match. The date was fine and he was very nice and flattering.
Unfortunately, it took that one date for me to realize that I'm not over my ex. Well, that date and dreaming about my ex the past two Saturday nights. I don't know what the universe is trying to tell me, but I am surprised that I miss being with him so much. We were only together five months and we've been broken up a little over two months. The rational side of my brain tells me it's time to move on. The irrational side keeps wondering why I wasn't good enough for him.
You can probably see how this, coupled with the weight gain, is causing serious self-esteem problems. And that, of course, leads to self-loathing, which I think is pushing me dangerously close to depression. See, this is the part I was worried would be too negative. I'm not happy with my life right now, but my nature is to keep analyzing what's not working until I find a solution.
When I started this blog, I was experiencing great success in my weight-loss journey, which led to happiness in other areas of my life. I blogged about my accomplishments and the obstacles I'd overcome to achieve success. The hard part now is that I seem to be experiencing only failures and that's much harder to share publicly.
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