I need a do-over

If you read my post this morning, then you know I wasn't in a very good frame of mind. In fact, after I wrote it, I went back to bed and cried. The blubbering lasted only about 5 minutes (thankfully) and then I sat in bed and ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich while I finished reading my book. At the time, I was suffering from a terrible migraine and I wondered if the pain would ever subside. Luckily, medication helped and within about an hour, I was formulating a plan for the day.

That's when I realized I needed a do-over. I really hate when I start feeling sorry for myself. This latest bout of self-loathing started a few days ago. And I finally gave into it this morning. I let all of the negative feelings come to the surface and they manifested themselves in a gloomy blog post and a tearful outburst.

I guess the emotional meltdown helped, though. Once I got back out of bed, I headed to the grocery store. I knew it wouldn't be easy to avoid the pizza I'd been thinking about since Friday or the carrot cake or the potato chips. But I had a plan for what I wanted to cook today -- a healthy roasted garlic and potato soup and lowfat mini cheesecakes with cherries on top.

I stopped briefly to look at the pizza, but I convinced myself not to put it in the cart. In the baking aisle, I almost bought a box of brownie mix. But I kept moving. When I found the pie filling, which I needed for the top of the cheesecakes, I was torn. The regular store brand was a lot cheaper than the name brand sugar-free kind. I did the right thing and didn't worry about spending an extra $1.50. I did have one slip ... I bought two individual-sized pieces of candy -- a chocolate-covered marshmallow heart and a chocolate-covered coconut heart. I rationalized that two pieces of candy would be a lot better than an entire pizza.

Once I got home, I walked two laps around the park and made a banana smoothie with almond milk for a snack when I was done. I'm ashamed that I let myself feel so bad earlier. There's really no excuse for it. I'm a big believer that we're all responsible for our own happiness. All-in-all, I'm feeling much better about myself now. Let's hope it lasts.

Recipe: Herbed ricotta frittata

Over the years, I've tried a lot of baked egg white dishes. They aren't exactly frittatas, but they are as close as you can get without using more oil or butter. Today's concoction was better than I expected and now one of my favorites.

Ingredients
1 pint liquid egg whites
1 box (10 oz.) frozen chopped broccoli
3 oz. Canadian bacon, diced
1/2 cups fat-free ricotta cheese
1 tsp. dried basil
1 tsp. dried parsley
1 tsp. dried chives
1/4 tsp. onion powder
Salt and pepper
Cooking spray

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Coat a baking dish with cooking spray. Thaw broccoli in microwave and spread into dish. Sprinkle Canadian bacon on top. In a bowl, mix egg whites, herbs, onion powder, salt, pepper and cheese. Pour over broccoli and bacon. Bake uncovered for 20-30 minutes or until lightly browned around the edges and firm in the middle. Makes 4-6 servings.

(Note: Fresh herbs would be great, but I didn't have those on hand.)

Weekly weigh-in: I can't stop snacking

Last week's weight: 179.6
This week's weight: 177.8
Difference: -1.8
Total weight lost since Jan. 1, 2013: 3.6 pounds

I haven't been in such a bad place mentally about my weight loss in quite some time. I don't fully understand what's going on. I have no desire to exercise ... at all. And I just keep eating and eating. Of course, I'm glad I lost a little this week, but I'm pretty sure I've already gained it all back this weekend. And I'm a long way from where I was just a few months ago.

My biggest downfall in the past month has been the snacking between meals. I've done fairly well with eating healthy for breakfast, lunch and dinner. But in between, I can't stop snacking. Candy, cookies, pretzels, Wheat Thins, cheese, etc. I try making healthy snacks, but I just eat those in addition to the bad stuff.

It's frustrating. I think about it all the time. I don't like the habits I'm developing and I definitely don't like the weight gain I've experienced. But I don't know how to stop.

And my missteps of late are severely affecting my body image. Just when I thought I was starting to see how far I've come, I now constantly see all my flaws and that just makes me feel worse. I'm worried that there are too many days where I don't want to get out of the bed much less leave the house.

Weekly weigh-in: This is bad!

Last week's weight: 175.8
This week's weight: 179.6
Difference: +3.8
Total weight lost since Jan. 1, 2013: 1.8 pounds

I was so excited last week. I worked hard during the first 10 days of the new year to shed the weight I'd gained over the holidays. Then, somehow, it's like I completely forgot everything I've learned in the past three years. This week was bad ... very bad.

I can't point to any one thing that caused me to gain nearly 4 pounds in one week. Instead, it was lots of little moments -- the day I left work in the middle of the day to buy a bag of pretzels and a bag of foil-wrapped chocolate hearts and the day I went to the grocery store and bought Chinese for lunch and the two days in a row that I ate a mound of pasta for dinner. Had I done just one of these things, I would not have gained weight. Combined, these moments and a few others spelled disaster.

By the end of the week, I was really mad at myself. And frustrated and disappointed. And the worst part is that the size 12s are starting to feel a little snug. That's unacceptable. I've said all along that I could be OK with being a size 12 for the rest of my life. The thought of having to unpack the 14s and 16s makes me panic.

After I weighed in yesterday morning, I told myself that this next week will be different. Of course, I tell myself that all the time. Yesterday went OK. I ate exactly the number of Weight Watchers points I'm allowed. So far, today is under control as well. But it's a struggle. I feel like I've spent every minute of the day thinking about what I'm going to eat and what I'm not going to eat. It's exhausting.

Recipe: Pineapple dream cupcakes

If you like pineapple and you like dessert, you will want to make these. I got the idea from a cake a saw on Pinterest. If you can stop yourself from eating more than one or two, they are a great lowfat, low-calorie treat. Oh, and they really couldn't be simpler.

Ingredients
1 box angel food cake mix
1 can (20 oz.) crushed pineapple in juice
Cooking spray

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In a large bowl, stir together cake mix and pineapple. Coat a muffin pan with cooking spray. Fill each cup halfway with cake mixture. Bake for about 10 minutes or until lightly brown on top and around the edges. Let cool before removing from pan. Makes 36 cupcakes.

Recipe: Chicken piccata

Usually I only post my own recipes here, but this looked and smelled so good after I made it that I thought everyone might want to try it. The recipe is from laaloosh.com, a site I've relied on during my three-year journey. Everything I've ever made from it has been delicious. Here's the link for the chicken piccata: http://www.laaloosh.com/2012/12/26/chicken-piccata-recipe/#more-8120. I left out the capers because I didn't have those and I used dried parsley instead of fresh. I'm also making the cheesy cauliflower mashed "potatoes" to go with the chicken. Here's the link for that: http://www.laaloosh.com/2013/01/10/cheesy-cauliflower-mashed-potatoes-recipe/.

Recipe: Chili

Ingredients
1 lb. 96% lean ground beef
1 Tbsp. olive oil
1 medium onion, diced
1 cup frozen bell pepper strips (You can use diced fresh red or green pepper if you prefer.)
1 can (15 oz.) kidney beans, drained and rinsed
1 large can (28 oz.) petite diced tomatoes
1 tsp. cumin
2 tsp. chili powder (This makes it fairly mild. Use more if you like your chili spicier.)
1 tsp. garlic, chopped (I use the kind from the jar, but fresh is fine.)
1/2 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. black pepper

Pour olive oil into a nonstick skillet. Add onion and saute on medium heat until soft. Add frozen peppers. (If using fresh, add at the same time as the onion.) Add cumin, chili powder, salt, pepper and garlic. Saute for about 5 minutes. Pour mixture into a large sauce pan or soup pot. Add beans and tomatoes. Meanwhile, brown ground beef in the same skillet you used for the veggies. Drain and then add beef to veggie mixture. If the mixture is too thick, add a little water. Cover and simmer on low heat for about an hour. Makes 5 one cup servings.

Weekly weigh-in: Off to a good start

Last week's weight: 178.4
This week's weight: 175.8
Difference: -2.6
Total weight lost since Jan. 1, 2013: 5.6 pounds

The new year seems to be off to a good start. I'm steadily losing the 10 pounds I gained over the holidays, and I've made it through 11 days without any major binge eating attacks. I've splurged a little here and there, but even my indulgences have been in moderation. That's the good news.

The bad news is that I did not achieve my weekly goal, which was the track everything I ate and drank for one whole week. Just as a reminder, my weight-loss week runs from Friday to Thursday. I did well until Wednesday night when I had a function to attend for work. I didn't overeat at the event, but I failed to track anything I ate. So, on Thursday, I didn't bother to track either. Yesterday, I new week started and I didn't track anything that day either. I am going to try to enter yesterday's food and drinks into the Weight Watchers system, but I'll probably end up estimating a lot of what I ate because I wasn't very diligent about portion size. My point is that I'll try again this week to resume tracking.

What I'm most surprised about this week is that I didn't let stress derail my healthy eating habits. I had to make some really tough decisions at work this week and the stress of it all literally caused me to lose a lot of sleep. Often when I don't sleep well, my brain seems to get tired and I don't always make the best food choices. Luckily, I planned my meals and snacks well this past week and with just one exception, I grabbed healthy snacks when the urge to "stress eat" hit.

So it was a good week and I'm happy about that. Now I just have to think about how to maintain my progress for another week.

Highs and lows

Today was one of those days where self-doubt seemed to overshadow everything else. For example, I had a meeting at the bank that involved me showing my driver's license. It still has my "before" photo. I don't really think about it much until it's time to show it. It never fails that people are shocked when they see the photo.

Naturally, the woman at the bank commented on how much weight I've lost. That led to an entire conversation about how I've done it and that her husband is a personal trainer. We chatted for 10-15 minutes about eating well and exercising. It was a perfectly lovely conversation and made me feel good in that moment. It was such a great compliment.

A bit later, though, I kept thinking about the conversation. My recent weight gain is weighing on my mind a little bit, and I can't help but wonder if I'll ever reach my ultimate goal. I know I should be proud that I've already made progress toward losing the 10 pounds I gained. I just feel stuck.

There was a time when each day brought me so much happiness. Every time I made the right food choice or I exercised to deal with stress, I felt proud of myself. When did that change? I'm still making the right choices most of the time, but I don't seem to get the same satisfaction from it.

I just want to get back to a place where being focused on my weight loss journey makes me feel good instead of being at the point where I wonder all too often why I'm even bothering.

Recipe: Hoisin chicken and mushroom stir-fry

Just like with the apple and pear tart I posted earlier, I took a little help in creating this recipe. The original recipe is hoisin pork and mushroom stir-fry from Weight Watchers' "One Pot Cookbook." Basically, I just like chicken better than pork and sometimes I improvise so I can use cheaper ingredients or something I already have on hand.

Without the cabbage

Ingredients
1 tablespoon olive oil
4 teaspoons hoisin sauce
4 teaspoons berry fruit spread or jelly (I used fig preserves because I already had those, but peach, apple or any berry flavor would be fine.)
1 teaspoon rice wine vinegar (You can use balsamic or leave it out if you don't have either.)
1 teaspoon chili-garlic sauce (I used sriracha.)
1 teaspoon minced garlic (I used the kind from a jar, but fresh would be OK.)
1 teaspoon Asian sesame oil
1 package fresh mushrooms
1/2 cup frozen mixed bell peppers (You can used one diced fresh pepper if you prefer.)
4 scallions (Cut into whatever size you like best. I used all of the white and about half of the green.)
1 Rotisserie chicken (I picked the meat off and cut into bite-sized pieces because Harris Teeter has them on sale on Sundays. But you could use 1 lb. chicken breast cut into bite-sized pieces instead.)
1 bag shredded cabbage (This is optional. I mixed it in at the end. But you could also serve this with brown rice or quinoa.)

Heat olive oil in large nonstick skillet or wok. Add peppers, mushrooms and scallions. Saute until tender. (If you're using raw chicken breast, cook that in the skillet before adding the veggies.) Add rotisserie chicken. Heat through. In a bowl, mix hoisin sauce, fruit spread, vinegar, chili sauce, garlic and sesame oil. Pour over chicken mixture. (I added 2 tablespoons of water because the mixture was thicker than I wanted. Use your best judgment.) Cover and cook on low for about 5 minutes. Stir in cabbage. Makes 4 servings.

Recipe: Apple and pear tart

Even though I'm trying to lose weight, I still want real dessert (not just a Weight Watchers popsicle or snack cake) every now and then. Plus, it should be obvious by now that I love to cook and bake. One of my favorite things about Sundays is that I get to spend much of the day in the kitchen. I must admit that I used a recipe for a souffled apple-pear pancake from Weight Watchers' "One Pot Cookbook" as a guide. I didn't follow it exactly, but I definitely feel like WW deserves some credit. BTW, you can use any kind of fresh fruit you like. I've made this with blueberries and strawberries in the summer and it was delicious.

Ingredients
1 Granny Smith apple
2 Bartlett pears
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1 cup fat-free milk
2 large eggs
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
A sprinkle of powdered sugar
Cooking spray

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Peel and core the apple and pears. Cut into thin slices. Coat a nonstick skillet with cooking spray and add apple and pear slices. Sprinkle with cinnamon. Saute on medium heat until soft. (I added about a tablespoon of water in the process to help them soften.) In a bowl, whisk together milk, eggs, vanilla and salt. Slowly whisk in flour. Coat a pie dish (you can use a square baking dish if that's all you have) with cooking spray. Add apple and pear mixture. Pour liquid mixture on top. Bake for about 20 minutes or until firm in the middle. Sprinkle with powdered sugar before serving. Makes 4-6 servings.

Recipe: Veggie frittata

One of the keys to success in losing weight is eating a healthy breakfast. I often eat greek yogurt or oatmeal with fruit. But sometimes I want something more substantial. This veggie frittata makes a great breakfast or lunch. You can pretty much use whatever veggies you like. For instance, if you like onions, add them in. If there's something on this list you don't like, just leave it out.

Ingredients
1 zucchini, diced
1 yellow squash, diced
1 bell pepper, diced (You can use whatever color you like best or you can take a shortcut like I did today and dump in 1/2 cup mixed frozen peppers.)
1 package fresh mushrooms
Half a bag of fresh baby spinach (You can use one box of frozen but make sure you drain it well once it's thawed.)
1 tsp. Trader Joe's 21 Seasonings (If you don't have this, I recommend a sprinkle of Italian seasoning. But a dash of regular black pepper would taste just fine as well.)
Garlic salt to taste
1 pint liquid egg whites
4 oz. reduced-fat cheddar cheese, shredded (I used cabot 75 percent reduced-fat. I had to shred it myself, but I love it. Reduced-fat feta would also taste really good.)
Cooking spray

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Coat a nonstick skillet with cooking spray. Add zucchini, squash, bell pepper and mushrooms. Saute until tender. Add spinach and continue cooking until wilted. Add seasoning and garlic salt. Coat a baking dish (square or smaller rectangle) with cooking spray. Add veggie mixture. Pour egg whites on top. Do not stir. Bake for about 20 minutes, until eggs are firm in the middle. Sprinkle cheese on top and continue baking until melted. Makes 4 large servings.

New year, new start

Starting weight: 181.4
This week's weight: 178.4
Difference: -3
Total weight lost since Jan. 2, 2013: 3 pounds

A few weeks ago, I decided to take a break from my weekly weigh-ins because of the holidays and because I was taking a trip to Las Vegas. I hoped not weighing in would make me feel less guilty about overindulging. Apparently, it worked. I gained about 10 pounds.

Once I returned from vacation, I had trouble resuming my healthy eating habits. In fact, it took me four days to get back on track. When Jan. 1 arrived, though, I was determined. I weighed in that morning at 181.4 pounds. And I've decided that will be my new starting point.

Obviously, I'm very proud of the weight I've lost since I began this journey in January 2010. Three years ago this week, I stepped on the scale and weighed 271.8 pounds. I wore a size 22/24 and now I'm comfortably a size 12. I don't want to forget about all I've accomplished in the past three years, but I feel like it's time to let that part of my journey go.

I've pretty much maintained my current weight (give or take a few pounds) for two years, which means I could probably maintain it for the rest of my life. But I haven't reached my goal. I'd like to lose about 30 pounds, which would put my weight at between 150 and 155 pounds. Given my height (5'6"), I'd end up being a size 8 most likely.

I'm going to continue my weekly weigh-ins on Fridays. As you can see from this week, I lost three pounds in three days by being very strict. I also plan to continue following the Weight Watchers program. Tracking everything I eat has resulted in the most success, so I know that's essential. Finally, I really hope to increase my physical activity this year. I've gotten a lot of advice about what might be the most effective, but I'm still tentative and unsure of how I want to proceed. In the meantime, I plan to continue with walking and riding my exercise bike on a regular basis. Something's better than nothing.

I'm not setting a specific timeframe for achieving my goal. I've been disappointed too many times already when I haven't reached it. Instead, I'm going to try setting specific weekly goals, not about weight loss but about the process. For example, my goal for this week is to actually track every single thing I eat and drink -- no excuses.

Even though it's been three years, I still remember how overwhelmed I felt when I began this journey. I truly had no idea I'd be where I am today. I'm so much healthier and happier. Wish me luck in the new year.