A moment of weakness

I had a weak moment today and it didn't involve food. Instead, it involved my ex-boyfriend. I was just saying recently how it confused me that a month after we broke up, he was still clicking on my match.com profile every few days. Well, I looked at his today. He had a new photo and I simply couldn't resist the urge to see what else he might have changed. I swear I'm not stalking him and I feel like a total hypocrite. I want so badly not to think about him anymore, but I can't stop myself. And, yes, I'm embarrassed to admit I looked at his profile, but I tend to find that blogging about whatever's bothering me helps me get past it.

So I was thinking today about what I would say if I had the chance to talk to him again. I know that's not a healthy thought process, but I can't simply erase him from my brain. The first thing I'd tell him is that I'm sorry it didn't work out and that I'm sorry I was so blunt and dismissive when we actually broke up. I really liked him and enjoyed the time we spent together, so I didn't handle the two days it took for us to actually break up very well. In hindsight, I realize that he wasn't trying to hurt my feelings. In fact, it was quite the opposite. But I couldn't see past how hurt I felt.

I'd probably also tell him that even though our time together wasn't perfect and I feel like it ended badly, I believe I will look back on it fondly. I have good memories from lots of little moments and I can only hope he does too. Finally, I'd tell him that I wish we could have stayed friends. He's a genuinely nice and fun person and I'm sorry that he's not in my life at all now.

I think the point I'm getting at is that every day the hurt I felt gets less, which allows me to think about the relationship in a positive light. But, of course, then that's not so easy either because I miss the good times we had together. At least there were good times and I'm going to try to keep those memories and forget the rest. That's probably the only way for me to truly move on.

Weekly weigh-in: My ho-hum life

Last week's weight: 184.2
This week's weight: 183.6
Difference: -0.6
Total weight lost since January 2010: 88.2

So I'm glad I lost a little again this week, but the scale (for once) was very kind. If you looked at what I ate this past week, you'd understand my surprise. I did well early in the week, but then the mini candy bars and Cheez-Its got the better of me. I did exercise a little, though, so I'm happy about that.

Overall, I just feel like my life has become boring. I go to work. I eat. I sleep. Don't get me wrong. Sometimes, I do fun things with my friends. But then there are all the other hours and days that my life just feels very ho-hum.

I need something fun and exciting to focus my energy on. Or maybe what I really need is something that makes me feel good about myself. Instead, I just feel blah, blah, blah all the time.

As usual, it's not all bad news. Emotionally, I've felt better this week than I have in a month (since the breakup), so I'm happy about that. I'm hoping that means I've turned the corner and I'm ready to let go. I guess only time will tell.

It's not raining men!

At least not at my house. The only rain I've seen lately is the wet stuff falling from the sky. And I'm really tired of it. I got rained on at the Heart Walk yesterday. Then I got rained on walking at the beach this morning. Does it really have to rain every day?

Breaking up with someone I really cared about is depressing enough. Suffering through it with barely a ray of sunshine during the past couple of weeks is just making things worse. It's making me feel downright gloomy.

As a result, I'm having trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. About three weeks ago (and only a week after the breakup), I decided to seriously give online dating another try. I'm still waffling about whether I'm even ready to date someone new because, if I'm honest, I find that any person who shows a bit of interest gets compared to my ex and I end up thinking about how I wish we'd never broken up.

But it's been a month. I think it's time for me to accept that he's not going to suddenly realize he made a mistake. Yes, in the beginning, I admit that I hoped that would happen. I thought we were a good match and I thought that maybe he just needed a little time apart to see that. Obviously, I was wrong.

So I'm back to trying to find someone new through online dating. It's really not going well so far because I haven't even found a single I want to meet in person. My "profile" has been viewed nearly 300 times in the past three weeks. And I've gotten likes, winks and emails from about a dozen people. Is that good?

I've actually been interested in only two of those people. I've been emailing with one person for about three weeks. I'd consider our conversations to be barely on the verge of small talk. Each email has been a few sentences and we basically just talk about whether we had a good week or what we did over the weekend. So boring. Then there was this other guy. He seemed promising. We exchanged a few emails and then we started texting. This went on for about a week and then he up and disappeared. His profile is hidden on match.com now and I haven't received a text in a week. Guess he found someone else. He could have at least told me that.

Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I feel like I should address the fact that my ex is also using match.com. That is how we met in the first place, so I'm not surprised. What's surprising is that every few days, he shows up in the list of people who've viewed my profile. This confuses me. So I click on his profile ... as if that's somehow going to explain why he's looking at my profile. I know I should just delete him from the list or block him or whatever, but I can't because I still care about him.

And that, ultimately, is why I can't move on. A friend recently shared an article about how to move forward after someone breaks your heart. I'm not sure I agree with everything it says, but I thought it was interesting. So here it is: http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-11276/3-steps-to-move-forward-after-someone-breaks-your-heart.html. Maybe I need to read it again. :-)

Weekly weigh-in: Pesky pitfalls

Last week's weight: 184.6
This week's weight: 184.2
Difference: -0.4
Total weight lost since January 2010: 87.6

Obviously, I lost a little this week. But I'm really just hovering around the same number I've been at for more than a year. I hate that I've gained back about 13 pounds overall and I know I could be doing better.

This past week, I did fairly well with my regular meals. It was the snacking in between and the mini candy bars that weren't so good. The worst was the day that I was at work and actually made a special trip to the store just to buy candy. Then, of course, I proceeded to eat far too much of it. I was having a bad day and I simply couldn't stop myself.

And I've barely exercised in the past two weeks. So I feel guilty about that. I used the rainy weather as an excuse, but there really is no excuse.

One bright spot, yesterday started a new weight-loss week and despite feeling a bit a depressed and stressed, I kept my eating under control. And now I'm headed to the annual Heart Walk, which I started the year my dad died from a heart attack. Maybe this will give me a chance to reflect on how much progress I've made and the fact that I'm doing this to be healthier.

I may have faced a few setbacks during this journey, but I am much healthier than I was four years ago. For that, I'm grateful.

I hate crying!

First, let me start by saying that I don't want to talk about it. I blog because writing down what I'm thinking and feeling helps me work through my problems. I do it in a public blog because I can only hope that my forthrightness might make others feel better about their troubles and realize that they're not alone.

So, to the point of this post, I hate crying. I don't really remember what I was like as a child, but as an adult, I've never been a big crier. As I've said before, I used food to deal with my emotions. Now I've had to find other outlets. I feel like I've cried more in the past few years than I ever have in my entire life.

In particular, since my boyfriend broke up with me three weeks ago, I've cried even more. I don't like it, especially since I often don't see the tears coming. For example, I was dealing with a stressful situation at work one day last week, and the next thing I knew, I was sitting in my boss' office bawling. Not just teary eyes or sniffles. Full on crying. Then yesterday I started crying while driving home from the grocery store. And these are just a few examples. I've probably cried every couple of days for the past three weeks.

It's hard to pinpoint what's triggering the crying, but I've come to realize that I simply can't block someone I cared about a lot from my brain (or my heart). I miss him. Until this weekend, I don't think I realized exactly how deeply I felt for this person. It's really hard for me to admit it because I'm usually a rock during difficult times. But now I'm a mess.

Not to be too dramatic, some days are better than others. I'm not spending every waking moment wallowing in self pity. In fact, I've done quite a few fun things with friends recently, which I really appreciate. Those were happy moments.

Some days, I'm just sad. I worry a lot about why I wasn't the right person and whether anyone will ever want to be with me. I'm 40 and not getting any younger (and, as of right now, I'm not getting any thinner).

Another thing I realized this weekend is that I'm not really ready to date anyone else. I thought finding someone else would be the easy solution. Turns out that's making it even harder. Every person I've "chatted" with via match.com recently (and there haven't been that many) has something wrong with them. I'm sure they don't really, but I've found something to dislike about every person who's shown interest in me. That's a clear sign that I'm not ready.

So I don't know what to do now. I wish I had a button to turn off my brain. That would truly be the easiest solution.

Weekly weigh-in: Old habits die hard

Last week's weight: 184.2
This week's weight: 184.6
Difference: +0.4
Total weight lost since January 2010: 87.2

I'm actually a little surprised I didn't gain more. If you knew just how many mini candy bars I ate this week, you'd understand. Oh, and let's not forget the night I made a giant bowl of fluffy noodles covered in butter and parmesan cheese. Thanks to the dreary, rainy weather, I also exercised only twice all week.

As usual, I've spent far too much time trying to analyze why I had such a hard time making smart food choices this week. And the answer is simple: Despite coming up on my four-year anniversary since I began Weight Watchers, I'm still an emotional eater.

I've learned to control it most of the time, which is how I've lost 87 pounds, but I've noticed that it's been harder and harder lately, which is why I've regained 13 pounds in the past year and a half. I let my guard down for one second, and the next thing I know, I'm eating half a bag of chips in one sitting.

I guess it's good that I at least recognize what I'm doing now. For most of my life, I stuffed my face pretty much all day every day and didn't realize I was eating rather than dealing with my emotions. 

Still, I'm disappointed that after all this time, making the right choice doesn't come more easily. Even after seeing that I gained for the second week in a row, I overate yesterday and I'm headed that way today. So, I know this isn't the right approach, but I'm giving up on today. Of course, I don't plan to eat everything in my house, but I'm simply not going to worry about what I eat or drink for the rest of the day (especially since I have dinner plans with a friend).

I'll start over tomorrow. Maybe I will be more successful.

A close call

Today's trip to the grocery store was almost a disaster. I cooked plenty of healthy meals yesterday to get me through the week. But I needed a few extra things so I popped into Food Lion this morning. As soon as I pulled in the parking lot, I could hear the Cheez Doodles taunting me. Despite eating a little more than I should have yesterday, I was starving this morning. I ate a healthy breakfast, but that didn't seem to matter. The Cheez Doodles wanted me to buy them. Then, without warning, the frozen pizza aisle lured me in. I looked at every brand and seriously considered buying something on sale, eating one or two pieces and then throwing the rest away. But I knew I wouldn't eat one or two pieces. I'd eat the entire thing. I kept walking, but then I passed the chip aisle on my way to the checkout. The Cheez Doodles just wouldn't leave me alone. I stopped for a second and considered my options. I finally convinced myself that I could only buy the $5 bunch of flowers I had in my cart if I didn't buy the Cheez Doodles. I really wanted the flowers, so I'm thankful that I didn't give in to the Cheez Doodles.

The bad part is that my trip to the grocery store did nothing to help my hunger. I ended up eating lunch at 11:30 a.m. By 1 p.m., I was ready to eat just about anything and everything in my house. I made hot tea. Then I sought a distraction, so I ended up doing laundry, washing dishes, vacuuming and wasting about an hour surfing the web. Finally, I had a snack (roasted cauliflower and a little bit of cheese). That didn't satisfy me, so I made lowfat pineapple cupcakes. That did the trick. They took forever to make and at only 1 Weight Watchers point each, I was able to eat two without guilt.

Now it's almost time for dinner. And I'm proud to say I resisted temptation today and I even walked for 30 minutes. This is the mindset that helped me lose so much weight in the first place.

Weekly weigh-in: Disappointed and depressed

Last week's weight: 183.6
This week's weight: 184.2
Difference: +0.6
Total weight lost since January 2010: 87.6

I'm disappointed in this week's result because I felt like I had my eating under control and I exercised for at least 30 minutes six out of seven days. I admit that I had a few splurges last weekend and I may have gone over my daily points a couple of times during the week, but none of those times involved out of control eating. So I felt good about my progress, especially since there have been times in the past two weeks that I've wanted to eat an entire pizza or a whole bag of chips or an entire container of ice cream. Needless to say, it's frustrating.

As for the depression, I don't want to be melodramatic about it. I'm not in some major depression that prohibits me from having fun and living a productive life. But I'm still sad about breaking up with my boyfriend. I miss having him in my life. And sometimes I just get a little depressed when I think about the fact that I'll probably never see or talk to him again. I think it's only natural for me to feel a little blue about it.

The only good news is that today is the start of a new week in my weight-loss world, which means I have a clean slate and I get another chance at success. So far, so good today. Healthy eating all day and I walked 45 minutes after work. All I can do it try to focus on the positive.

Getting back out there

For those who don't know, I met my ex-boyfriend through match.com. When we met, it was the second time I was trying online dating.

The first time (about three years ago) was a disaster. I had lost a lot of weight and thought I was ready to start dating. I met a few people for a first date and never had a second date with anyone. A little less than a year ago, I decided to give it another try. (BTW, I did date someone in between those two times, but I didn't meet him online.)

The second round went much better. The first person I met for coffee turned out to be a dud, but the second seemed nice enough. I even met him for a second time. I don't think I can call it a date because we went for a walk at the park. I thought he had potential, but then he never asked me on a real date. (I probably would have said yes.) Then the third guy came along and I was charmed right away during our first meeting. We ended up being together for almost five months. We broke up a little more than a week ago.

I think it's probably too soon to date anyone new (because I definitely still have hurt feelings), but I'm getting the process rolling. After the breakup, I signed back up for match.com immediately. But that was really out of spite, not because I was interested in dating anyone else. Today, I decided it was time to take it more seriously. I've updated my profile (and I still sound like a loser) and actually begun my search for someone I might want to ask on a date. (Funny thing, two people I know through my job are using match.com as well. It was pretty awkward seeing their photos pop up on my screen.)

I don't know if I'm ready to date anyone new, but, based on my previous experiences, it takes time to find someone I'd even consider meeting for coffee. Plus, you never know. Some people say the third time's the charm.

Wish me luck!

Recipes: Passion for pumpkin

If you're like me, this time of year automatically means you must have anything and everything pumpkin. I've been looking at dozens (maybe even hundreds) of pumpkin recipes on Pinterest. But most of them are for foods that would cause me to gain a million pounds. So I decided to go back through some of my own healthy pumpkin recipes and I thought you might like to give them a try.

Pumpkin whoopie pies: http://weighinginwithsherry.blogspot.com/2012/08/recipe-pumpkin-whoopie-pies.html

Pumpkin parfait: http://weighinginwithsherry.blogspot.com/2011/11/recipe-pumpkin-parfait.html

Pumpkin oatmeal and pumpkin smoothie: http://weighinginwithsherry.blogspot.com/2011/09/recipes-pumped-about-pumpkin.html

Here are a few favorites from other sites:

Pumpkin butter: www.skinnytaste.com/2010/10/pumpkin-butter.html

Pumpkin swirl cheesecake yogurt cupcakes: www.skinnytaste.com/2011/.../pumpkin-swirl-cheesecake-yogurt.html

South African pumpkin fritters: http://www.weightwatchers.com/food/rcp/RecipePage.aspx?recipeId=224941

If you've got any healthy pumpkin recipes, please share them with me. 

Sleepless in Wilmington

For the past 10 nights, I've slept through the night only once. Every other night has been a mixed bag. Some nights, it takes forever for me to fall asleep and then I toss and turn. Other nights, I fall asleep fairly early only to wake up somewhere between 1 and 3 a.m. Sometimes I go back to sleep for an hour or two. Sometimes I don't.

As I was sitting in the bed at 2:30 this morning (eating chips and watching a cheesy romantic comedy), I was reminded of a favorite line from "Sleepless in Seattle." (That's not the movie I was watching.) In the scene, Meg Ryan's character and Rosie O'Donnell's character are watching "An Affair to Remember."

Here's the dialog:
Annie Reed: Now that was when people KNEW how to be in love. They knew it! Time, distance... nothing could separate them because they knew. It was right. It was real. It was...
Becky: A movie! That's your problem! You don't want to be in love. You want to be in love in a movie.

Yes, I want to be in love in a movie. I want a man to bring me flowers from time to time. I want a man who calls (or, in this day and age, texts) just to say hello. I want a man who thinks his life is better with me in it. What's wrong with wanting those things?

After getting dumped a week ago, I thought I was fine. Last week really wasn't so tough. I focused on work, healthy eating, exercise and spending time with friends. The days went by quickly and I convinced myself that the breakup may have been for the best. What I've realized, though, is that I'm not dealing with my feelings.

The sleepless nights are trying to tell me something. I was emotionally invested in the relationship. I'm generally pretty guarded and I fought it in the beginning. But week after week, I let myself get more comfortable and more attached. Then, bam ... one day it's just over.

I've had a lot of experience dealing with relationships that end that way (not romantic ones, but friendships and other personal relationships that I don't want to get into publicly). As a teenager, I dealt with them by eating. That habit continued into adulthood. Nearly four years ago, I decided that I would no longer use food to comfort me.

I've slipped a few times and it's a constant struggle. But I've mostly been successful. And I thought that if I could make it through a week after the breakup without binging, I'd be OK. So I don't know why I'm finding it so difficult right now. Maybe it's the lack of sleep. Maybe it's a lack of focus. Maybe it's just weakness.

Whatever the reason, I must get more sleep soon. Staying awake for hours in the middle of the night gives me far too much time to think. And that just leads to sadness and depression.

I hate ending on a bad note, so I'll leave you with another scene from "Sleepless in Seattle" that always makes me laugh:
Co-Worker: It's easier to be killed by a terrorist than it is to find a husband over the age of 40!
Annie: That statistic is not true!
Becky: That's right it's not true, but it feels true.
 

Sugar rush!

I've blogged about the evils of sugar before, but I'm reminded today just how bad sugar is for me. Generally speaking, I've been eating healthy for a week now. I've had a few splurges (including a bit of wine), but I've stayed away from junk food and sugary snacks. Today, I found myself (almost uncontrollably) eating from the office candy far. Before I could stop myself, I'd had two mini candy bars, a handful of lemonheads and a piece of laffy taffy.

I ate these things after I'd already eaten a healthy breakfast and a filling lunch, so there was no way I was hungry. I honestly don't know why I had such an urge for sugar in that one moment. If I'd had more mini candy bars in front of me, I wouldn't have been able to stop.

Now, an hour later, my head is buzzing and I feel a little shaky. So I'm eating fresh fruit and a few slices of lean deli turkey on a rice cake. My blood sugar is clearly spiking, which is making me want to eat more sugar. If I eat more sugar, I'll gain weight and I'll feel terrible.

So why do I eat it? I really wish I understood the urge better. One day last week, the food counter was littered with cupcakes, cookies and doughnuts and I managed to resist them all. But, for no good reason today, I inhaled five pieces of candy in just a few minutes.

I can't explain it, so I guess all I can do is try not to make a habit of it. And I know I can't let the guilt get to me, but that's easier said than done.