Biggest Loser challenge 2011

As most of you probably already know, my weight-loss journey began last January when some of my colleagues started a Biggest Loser challenge in the office. I signed up on a whim, but it's obviously worked out well so far. I came in fourth overall during the first round and I won the second round.


We're doing it again this year. The first official weigh-in was supposed to be this past Friday. But I didn't actually weigh-in on the scale at work until today. Clearly, that scale is not my friend. But for the purposes of the challenge, I will start using the number each week for my weekly weigh-ins.

So I'm starting at 193.8 pounds. I was at 271.8 pounds when we started last year. Wow!. Any time I need something to be happy about, I know I need to simply look at how far I've come. And I'm not giving up. I am, however, going to revise my goal. The challenge ends on April 29, so I want to lose 15 pounds between now and then. It's ambitious, but I think I can do it.

To get things started, I thought I'd have new photos taken. My friend Paul Stephen, a photographer at the StarNews, was kind enough to make me look good. So here they are. When the challenge ends, I'll post more photos.

Until then, I'm hoping this latest round of competition will keep me motivated. As you know, I've struggled a little bit lately. But I love the new photos and I'm sure my competitive spirit will kick in.

Wish me luck!

I'm not stupid!

So I had meltdown yesterday. I'm working so hard at not letting that happen. But it did. I was tempted to beat myself up and wallow in self-pity. Luckily, I'm getting smarter as I go through this journey.

Even before I went to sleep last night, I felt better. I'd convinced myself that my freak out wasn't a big deal and that the end result was for the best. And I woke up this morning feeling strong in my resolve to move on. I'm not stupid! I don't even know why I'm letting this one particular thing make me crazy and make me do things I wouldn't normally do. So I'm putting yesterday behind me. It helps that a very supportive friend didn't call me crazy when I explained the situation to her and she actually made me feel quite normal. Yes, once again, I'm thankful for the people who are willing to help me through this process. I only hope they know how much their support means to me.

It's been a good day. I've had some self-esteem issues, though. I hardly bought anything when I was shopping today even though everything I tried on was in a smaller size than I've been wearing. I know I should be happy about that. Generally speaking, a size 14 fits me now. I haven't worn that size since high school. I tried on five dresses and they all fit. I didn't buy any of them. Something in my brain stopped me because I don't have anywhere to wear them. Makes me feel pathetic.

But I digress. The point here is that I feel like I recovered from yesterday's breakdown fairly quickly. I think that's a good sign. My mindset right now is positive yet tentative. Does that make sense? I feel good, but I don't yet know how long it will last so I'm being cautious. The one thing I know is that I've felt more centered today than I have in some time. And that's definitely something to be happy about.

Pulling it together

I know it's been less than two hours since I wrote that I was about to lose my mind. So you're probably going to think I'm a little bipolar at this point when I say I'm pulling it together already. Here's the thing. I've been writing for weeks about wanting to overcome a specific obsessive-compulsive behavior. Again, I'm sorry that I'm not comfortable giving details. But as I said in the beginning, I'm worried about failure.

I made it exactly three weeks without freaking out in my head. So when it happened tonight, I was caught off guard. I didn't expect it, especially since I thought I was doing so much better. What I've realized since then, though, is that the trigger that causes the obsessive-compulsive behavior really wasn't present. Maybe on a small scale, but it wasn't hitting me over the head until tonight.

Here's my point ... if I can regain my rational thinking soon (perhaps simply by writing about it), that will be progress. The last time I freaked out, it took me two days to get past it -- two days where I barely left the house or talked to anyone. The time before that, it took even longer. I figure that if my recovery time gets shorter with each episode, then I am actually doing better. Right?

So I'm taking a few deep breaths and trying to find something else to focus on. I'm not ignoring the problem, but I am trying to distract my brain. I've got to find a way to deal with it and let it go. Ideally, I'd eliminate the trigger. That's not likely, so I've got to find a way to change how my brain reacts to it.

BAM! I didn't see that coming

It's been exactly three weeks since my last obsessive-compulsive freak out. Bam! Out of the blue, I feel like I might lose my mind.

It's been a weird week. But for the most part, I feel like I've kept it together. Not been too crazy. A little down in the dumps. But all in all, pretty good. Eating habits were good until today. Lots of walking.

Ugh! So why is it that just when I think I've let it go, something happens and I feel right back where I started? Seriously, I was thinking yesterday that I might be ready to blog about how I had let it go. It might have taken me almost two months, but I thought I did it.

Now, I'm beating myself up over it. I know I shouldn't. And it has nothing to do with my weight loss journey. But it is all about my mental journey. I want so badly to overcome this one thing.

It's just so frustrating that I can't will myself to get past it. Three weeks of effort wasted. Oh well. I guess I'll start again tomorrow.

Weekly weigh-in: The needle is moving

Last week's weight: 192
This week's weight: 190
Difference: -2
Total lost: 81.8

I've had a bit of stress this week and I haven't been sleeping well. But the good news is that my eating habits have been very good. And I've walked five of the past seven days (a total of 15 miles). So it paid off. I lost two pounds. As I've said before, I don't expect to lose that much each week. But it sure feels good. I feel like the extra effort this week was worth it. Only 8.2 pounds to go before April 1. I can do it. I know I can. Wish me luck.

Into the volcano I go

For the past couple of days, lines from my favorite movie (Joe Versus the Volcano) keep popping into my head. I don't know if I'm just thinking of them because of whatever's happening at that moment or for some other reason. Anyway, as I was walking tonight, I thought of the scene where the two main characters are about to jump into a volcano. Patricia says to Joe: "We'll take this leap, and we'll see. We'll jump, and we'll see. That's life, right?"

I feel like my life has become about jumping into the volcano. By nature, I don't think I'm a risk-taker. My whole life I've been the one who analyzes everything, usually driving myself crazy in my head. These days, however, I seem to be leaping ... sometimes without thinking.

I'd like to think that I'm smart about taking risks. But I must admit that every now and then I do something really stupid. It happens. What I like about simply jumping is that you never know what might happen. I used to always expect the worst, which is why I never jumped. Now, I tend to think about the good possibilities. And I often find that I'm pleasantly surprised.

I've talked a lot about experiencing new things this past year. I think that's about taking risks. With just a few exceptions, nothing bad has happened. In fact, as you know if you are a regular reader, I'm having so much fun. Am I ready to jump into a volcano? Well, not a real one. But I am taking more and more leaps of faith and I like it. 

Something's off

I'm having a good week -- on track with eating and exercise. I've even had a few mental successes. So why do I feel like I'm struggling? My sleep patterns over the past week have been all over the place. The one thing I know is that something feels off.

I can't quite put my finger on it. Given that my life these days is filled with all sorts of new experiences, I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I'm having trouble establishing a routine. I feel like I start each day preparing myself for the unexpected. I'm fond of telling people that I don't like surprises. Really, though, I love good, fun, happy surprises. What I don't like are the surprises that involve stress or bad news and things that catch me off guard.

Luckily, I spend all my time analyzing possibilities in my head so I'm rarely caught off guard. But I also think that might have something to do with why I don't sleep well. Too many thoughts all jumping around in my brain at once. Sometimes I just want my mind to be quiet.

If I'm being honest, I think part of the problem is uncertainty and insecurity. And those things lead to anxiety. I also get impatient because my progress has slowed. I can see where I want to be and it's just not happening fast enough.

All I can do, though, is keep plugging along. I'm hoping that consistency will pay off. I'm also hoping that I'll find something that gives me that feeling of stability and comfort.

My pants are too big

The scale isn't exactly cooperating, but I think all the walking in the past week is helping. I put on a pair of pants this morning that I bought just a couple of months ago and they are really too big. It was a great feeling. I wore them anyway, of course. But all day I actually felt self-conscious about how big they were. I even felt weird at a social event after work because my pants were just too loose.

I know. I should simply be thrilled that my clothes are too big. I am. Really. But I actually feel more self-conscience about the way I look now than I ever did before. Maybe it's because I am so public about my weight loss. A year ago, I really didn't even want people to know I was trying to lose weight. Now, I blog about so many personal things.

People tell me all the time that they can't believe I'm so open about it. It's weird for me, especially when people want to talk to me about what I've written or when I think about who might be reading. But I generally think the blogging is a good thing. It helps me focus and express my feelings. And it's really contributed to my mental progress. Plus, these are my thoughts and feelings. If people can't accept that this is who I am, they shouldn't read and they shouldn't be my friend.

So putting on a pair of pants and thinking all day about how they were too big is mental progress. Trust me. They actually looked too big before I put them on. That rarely happens. In fact, as I've said before, most of the time, I look in the mirror and I don't see any difference. But clearly I look different. People tell me all the time. Why can't I see what they see?

What's more amazing about today is that it came at a time when the number on the scale isn't decreasing as quickly as I'd like. But I have stepped up my exercise in the past week. I think it's making a difference in the shape of my body. I guess I hope it is. Why else would my pants seem so big today?

The power of protein and exercise

Thank you to everyone who's given me advice in the past few weeks about why I'm hungry all the time and how to solve the problem. Apparently, eating more protein really does work. For the past five days, I've started my day with a high protein breakfast -- either a cheese omelet or greek yogurt with fruit and granola. Before I was just eating a banana and I was starving all the time. The change in breakfast seems to have made a big difference. I've also been trying to pay more attention to how much protein I eat during the rest of the day as well. I'm not eating a lot more for snacks, lunch and dinner, but just a little bit.

I also appreciate the support everyone's offered regarding exercise. I have started walking again. Four days in a row, with a break today. My legs aren't sore but I can tell that it had been a couple of weeks. Still, the physical activity has made me feel fantastic. I was even sleeping better until last night. Maybe that was just a fluke because I've kinda got something on my mind. Uncertainty always seems to interrupt my sleep patterns. And I know a lack of sleep can affect my mood.

Speaking of my mood, this is the second weekend in a row where I've ended up doing things I wouldn't normally do and I think it's because I'm really trying to go outside my comfort zone. Nothing crazy, mostly just hanging out with friends. In the past, though, I probably would have made an excuse for staying home. But now I jump at every opportunity that comes my way and I'm having so much fun.

Letting it go: Day 40

It's been more than a month since I decided that there's an obsessive-compulsive behavior that I really wanted to correct. I wasn't very specific about it. And now I know why. I'm doing better, but it's taking much more effort and time than I anticipated to break this habit. I seriously can't believe I haven't gotten past this and simply let it go.

The good news is that it's been two weeks since my last real obsessive episode. I'm going to take that as a good sign. But I know I haven't overcome it yet. It's a struggle every day. I don't understand why it's so difficult. And the truth is that this obsession seems to influence my mood. I truly believe that letting it go would be a huge mental step in my journey.

OK, again, I apologize for being so vague. I just can't handle the fact that I feel like I'm failing in this one particular area. If I told everyone what I was talking about, then you'd see every day that I'm failing. That would make it even worse.

I'm going to keep trying. I'm not giving up. But I feel a drastic measure might be necessary soon. I've already been trying to focus on something else and that's helping some. But the cold turkey approach might be what I need. But can I do it? Ugh!

So, not entirely related, I am feeling so happy with myself after the past three days. I know that's not very long, but after being off track for so long, it's important that I feel confident about moving forward. And I really do.

I will admit, though, that I'm struggling with an emotional issue right now. I've got a personal goal that I simply haven't been able to achieve. There's a friend who might be able to help me, but I'm not a very trusting person. I want to talk to her, but there's always this worry in the back of my mind when I tell people personal stuff. My fear is that they will judge me or, even worse, share what I say with others. I've been getting better, but it's one area that just isn't easy for me.

Anyway, I am all about taking risks these days. Maybe I will in this case as well. Who knows what will happen? Maybe things will work out in my favor ... just this once. Wish me luck.

Weekly weigh-in: Feeling fabulous

Last week's weight: 192.4
This week's weight: 192
Difference: -0.4
Total lost: 79.8

The number on the scale this morning wasn't quite as good as I hoped, but at least I did lose a little this week. The good news is that I feel fabulous. I've had two full days of being on track with my exercising and eating. And I'm confident today will be day three.The other great thing that happened this morning ... I had a moment looking in the mirror where I felt good about myself. It doesn't hurt that I'm wearing my favorite jeans because it is casual Friday. So here's hoping for a successful and fun weekend.

My "duh" moment

Today it was as if I woke up for the first time in weeks and I could see everything so clearly. The funny part is that most of what I've come to realize, other people have been telling me for weeks. Apparently, eating poorly and not exercising makes me moody. Duh!

I suppose I could have figured that out before today if I really wanted to. And I'm not sure why the light bulb went off when it did. But I sure am glad it did.

Earlier this week, I felt a serious depression coming on. I was doing everything in my power to stop it. Thanks to advice from quite a few friends, I now see that the foods I've been eating and the lack of exercise have contributed to my funk. So Tuesday night I resolved to do something about it.

Wednesday went fairly well. I resisted all sorts of sugary snacks at work. I walked after work and ate a healthy dinner. By Wednesday night, I could feel my mood changing, but I wasn't quite there yet. By this morning, however, I felt like myself again. And I really stayed on track today with my eating. Once again, resisting temptations at the office. I exercised a little before work and then walked 3 miles after work.

I feel fabulous. I got to thinking about the string of weeks this summer when I was the happiest. I was eating right (with a few splurges here and there) and walking almost daily. But I also was focused. I knew what my goal was. I feel like I've taken my eye off the ball the past couple of months. I've been wrapped up in personal and professional drama. No more.

Losing weight and getting fit are so important to me. But success requires focus. I've proven time and again that when I set my mind to something I achieve it. Losing 10 pounds before April 1 is what I want. And there's no reason I can't achieve that goal. That said, don't be surprised if I start to seem a little obsessed with it. Those who know me best, know that's how I operate. A laser-sharp focus and hard work always result in improvement. I do not intend to drop this ball!

Turning point?

I've been whining and complaining a lot lately and I'm hoping today was the turning point. After yesterday's mini-meltdown, I knew I had to do something. Today was better. Not great. But a definite improvement. I resisted a lot of temptation at work today to eat poorly. Yes, I passed up the chocolate muffins at a morning meeting, the brownies at lunch, and the cookies and doughnuts after lunch. It wasn't easy. I almost cracked about 3:30 and grabbed a chocolate chip cookie. But I didn't. I ate my banana instead. Progress.

Another sign of progress came when I got home from work. I made a random post on facebook about not achieving a goal for the third day in a row. It actually had nothing to with weight loss or exercising, but it did end up leading to me meeting a friend to walk about two miles tonight. I haven't done any sort of exercise in about two weeks. Progress.

Now, I'm setting the alarm for 5:30 a.m. Goal is to get up by 6 a.m. and walk around my neighborhood a few times or at least do some sort of exercise in my living room for an hour. If I do it, I think I will be able to say I've officially turned a corner. Wish me luck!

Rebounding already

I was pretty unhappy with myself after my earlier post. I realize it was just about an hour ago. But I couldn't let it go. I hate when I get depressed and mopey and whiny. It's really not my style. I'm much more of a fighter than that. Ever since I woke up this morning, I felt like I just didn't have any fight left in me. I almost wrote that this morning, but decided I was being too negative. And I was. I'm sorry that I spent the entire day feeling sorry for myself.

In the past hour, I've made breakfast for dinner (cheese omelet and greek yogurt with fruit). I even made two servings of everything so I can have it for breakfast tomorrow. It tasted so good -- and so good for me. I know what I need to do to turn my thoughts around. And I'm the only one who can do it. My brain had a moment of weakness and all of the bad thoughts came pouring out. But enough is enough.

No more sulking. No more poor eating habits. No more whining. I don't give up that easily!!!

Something's gotta give

I started the day off in a foul mood. No specific reason, but lots of little reasons. As the day went on, I couldn't shake the grumpiness. In fact, I think it got worse. As I sit here and type this, my jaw is clenched. My head hurts. There's a knot in my shoulder that's painful to touch. You get the picture.

Today's funk even has thoughts like "Why am I even doing this?" running through my head. By this, I mean continuing to try to lose weight. Actually losing the weight isn't easy, but the mental hurdles I have to overcome are so much harder.

I've come so far. Why am I struggling so much now? I know I have no one to blame but myself. I'm so unhappy about my eating habits during the past two months. Sure, I could have done a lot worse. But I definitely haven't been following the Weight Watchers plan. And the scale is showing it -- with my weight basically stalled for weeks. I did so well for the first 11 months of the year. What happened?

Now that I'm fighting so hard to regain my good habits, I really don't understand why I can't. I can't even go one whole day at this point. I stopped at the grocery store after work and bought things I never would have before. Yes, the ice cream is Weight Watchers and the pudding cups are sugar-free. But I don't normally buy either. And I've all but stopped exercising. No walking or anything else in more than a week.

I think the negative thoughts are really the result of frustration. A lot of things in my life have changed in the past year. But some things haven't. So I get mad at myself for not making the progress I want to make. I also get frustrated when I set personal goals (not weight-loss goals, but other stuff) and I don't achieve them. I had such a simple thing I was determined to do yesterday, but then I didn't. I said I'd try again today. No luck. I'm also mad at myself for letting other people affect my mood. Why do I let little things that mean nothing turn me into a pessimist?

I know I'm being too hard on myself. I want to stop beating myself up. I want to change my mindset. I want to be confident. I want to be in a good mood. I want to be happy. For those things to happen, something's gotta give. I've got to find something to focus on that makes me happy. Otherwise, why am I doing this?

Why am I so hungry?

I'm supposed to be working on a project for my job tonight, but I'm so hungry that I'm having trouble focusing. All I can think about is wanting something to eat. That got me thinking about how I seem to be starving all the time lately. What's going on?

I expected a bit of a transition from the holidays back into my normal routine, but it's been a couple of weeks now. It's time for my body to adjust. Could I be doing something different?

Here's what I've eaten so far today and the points at which I was starving.
8:30 a.m.: Large coffee, banana
9:45 a.m.: String cheese
11 a.m.: Starving. Had trouble concentrating during a meeting because I was so hungry.
Noon: Healthy Choice frozen entree for lunch
1 p.m.: Handful of pretzels and handful of goldfish
1:45 p.m.: Two mini candy canes and two pieces of chocolate
3:30 p.m.: Starving again.
5:45 p.m.: Baked potato topped with a ground beef, tomato and mushroom mixture.
7 p.m.: Popcorn
7:30 p.m.: Still hungry ... debating another snack.

Based on my Weight Watchers points allotment for the day, I still have a few left, which means I could eat a little more during the day. I just don't know what to eat and when. My uneducated assessment is that I'm not eating enough for breakfast and I need a better snack in the afternoon. The key is that I don't make stuff in the morning. Whatever I eat for breakfast has to be something I can take to work and eat at my desk. If you follow Weight Watchers, I'm looking for something in the 6-point range for breakfast. My afternoon snack needs to be equally as simple and about 3 points.

I'm open to suggestions. I feel like I've been on a roller-coaster lately with my eating and I'm ready to get it under control. I know that's the only way I'm going to achieve my goals. Plus, I can't stand being hungry all the time. If you have any thoughts on why that's happening, let me know. I don't think simply eating more is the right answer because I really not losing weight at this point (less than a pound in the past month).

Let's talk about dogs

It's no secret to anyone who knows me that I'm not exactly an animal lover. I tolerate cats better than dogs, but I really haven't liked either in years. There have been times in the past when I wouldn't even go to someone's house because I didn't want to be around their dog.

I'm not sure when I decided I didn't like dogs, in particular. As a teen, we had a wonderful black lab and I've been around dogs most of my life. Somewhere along the way, however, it really became almost a phobia. I knew it was irrational, but I couldn't make myself be different.

Jed and Lucille

Until now. I'm not rushing out and getting a dog or anything, but I am working on my tolerance. Thanks to Lucille and Jed (who belong to two of my new friends) and I'm getting better. The dogs couldn't be more different, but somehow they are both so sweet. Their personalities make me like them. Lucille is playful and full of energy. Jed is mopey, yet charming. (Wow. Sounds a little like I'm describing their owners. Isn't that interesting? I hope the owners don't take offense to that.)

I can admit that I've been experimenting with Lucille and Jed. I've met them each three times now. They seem perfectly happy to be guinea pigs because they both love attention. Anyway, I've gotten to the point where I can say I like them. They are like friends to me now. The way I see it, I've made several new friends in the past six months. It was probably time I gave the four-legged creatures a chance to win me over as well.

Why I don't smile

As I get more and more comfortable with having my picture taken (I used to simply refuse before), the fact that I don't smile a lot seems to keep coming up. So I guess it's time I confess the reason. I hate my teeth because they are crooked and just look terrible.

It's been an issue since childhood. When I was I toddler, I apparently fell down some stairs, which resulted in my front teeth being somewhat deformed -- jagged on the bottom and discolored. I don't understand it and don't remember the fall. Anyway, when I was 9 years old, I got caps on my two front teeth and braces. I wore them for about four years. Then, of course, I wore a retainer. I don't remember the details, but apparently something didn't work because my teeth are not straight and I clearly need new caps on my front teeth.

As a result, I've never smiled a lot. I can remember a friend in high school always commenting about it. I don't remember his name, but I clearly remember how he said "smile" every time he passed me in the hallway. He was just teasing, but it made me self-conscious. Now, all these years later, it seems to be happening again. Have you noticed that sometimes when I laugh I cover my mouth with my hand? I know I do it and I've tried to make myself stop but it takes a lot of effort to break that kind of habit.

So you're probably wondering why I don't just do something about it. I guess it's like a lot of things in my life. Up until a year ago, I just didn't bother. It's also one of those mental hurdles that I haven't been able to tackle yet. Maybe this will be the year I take the initiative. Obviously, I am quite focused on self-improvement these days.

Just what I needed

Before

I started today feeling a little down because of this week's weight gain. But I was determined not to let it get to me. So I decided it was time to clean out my closet -- a walk-in jam packed with clothes and shoes. I already knew stuff was way too big, but I haven't been able to purge it from my closet. As usual, it's a mental hurdle. Today was the day.

At first, I tried on every piece of clothing before I decided it was too big and put it in a bag. I couldn't believe how huge everything was on me. A few shirts could now pass for dresses if they were a couple of inches longer. And a lot of the pants and skirts wouldn't even stay up. Yes, they just fell down -- while buttoned. I'd hold them up and look in the mirror. I felt like I was in one of those weight-loss commercials where people show how big their clothes were. You've seen them -- the ones where the pants seem to be twice the size of the person.

After filling four large trash bags, I stopped trying on everything. My ego had been boosted. I could tell by looking at the size that something wasn't going to fit. I filled two more bags.

Halfway there

About that time, a couple of friends asked me to go shopping. My bedroom/closet was a wreck, but I couldn't resist. I was getting rid of so many things that I felt I deserved to buy something new. I had the best time shopping. I went in several stores I've never been in before ... because I couldn't wear those sizes. And I bought a size large sweater -- first size large since I started losing weight. That's a major accomplishment. So much so that one of my friends instead on taking a photo of me buying it.

My friends were so nice and supportive. Well, except for when they forced me to try on a red dress. They both were trying on the same dress. I finally gave in. I am, after all, trying to do new things. I'll admit that the dress did look pretty fantastic on me, but it was quite form-fitting and definitely not my style. I didn't buy it, but one of friends did and she looks fabulous in it. I also tried on three-inch black heels. I really wanted them, but I knew I'd never wear them and I couldn't justify the roughly $110 price tag.

I might have to sleep in the guest room.

My bedroom and closet are still a mess, but today's purging and shopping spree turned out to be just what I needed. I'm once again feeling so lucky to have friends who make me feel so good about myself. And they know how to push me to get past some of these mental hurdles. I feel fantastic!!!!

Nobody's perfect

That's hard for me to admit sometimes. But I was reminded this week that we all have issues -- whether they're with the way we look or some other aspect of who we are. I think I've spent much of my life being a perfectionist, which is why being overweight is so hard to deal with. It is something I can control. I told myself for a long time that I couldn't. But I know differently now.

An important part of this journey, however, has been allowing myself not to be perfect. And I think that's made me more accepting of others. It's funny because I know a few people now who have certain personality traits that would have annoyed me in the past. Now, I find them endearing and I even think I'm learning from these people.

These days, it's rare that I don't find something I like about a person. Sometimes, I feel like I'm taking the thing I like the most about each person and trying to emulate it. I hope they're flattered. I'm also finding that through this process I'm being more open and honest with people. It's not easy, but the more I do it, the easier it gets. And the more I realize that we all have issues.

OK, I'm rambling. My point is that we all have things we don't like about ourselves. Things that make us feel insecure. I believe that finding true happiness means overcoming those insecurities or at least surrounding yourself by people who understand them and don't expect you to be perfect. I want to be that kind of person and I'm lucky to have those kinds of friends.

Weekly weigh-in: Distracted and disappointed

Last week's weight: 190.6
This week's weight: 192.4
Difference: +1.8
Total lost: 79.4

Not a good week. I gained. But what did I expect? I've eaten Chinese, steak, mashed potatoes, bacon and I've definitely had my fair share of wine in the past week. I guess I'm just glad the number wasn't worse. The real problem is that I've allowed myself to get distracted and that has led to disappointment. I know I've said it before, but I do well when I keep track of what I eat and when I'm really focused on losing weight. As soon as I take my eye off the ball, I don't do as well. Sounds simple. Right? But it's not. This week has been crazy. Again, my emotions have been all over the place and the stress level at work has been higher than normal. And I've definitely been having that feeling where I don't want to leave the house because I don't want people looking at me. I know I'm being irrational, but I can't help it. Maybe next week will be better.

I cracked!

This is not the blog post I thought I'd be writing tonight. I walked for three miles today and had something completely different in mind. It was very positive. Maybe I'll write that post another day. Now I think it's important to acknowledge that I cracked.

Since the start of the new year, I've been determined to get back on track. No more splurging "because it's the holidays." I did well last week. Exercised four days and lost 2.8 pounds -- a great way to start the year. But I felt like I was starving all week. Just ask people at work how much I was talking about being hungry. I ate in accordance with my Weight Watchers points allotment, which explains the weight loss. But I was starving all the time.

It wasn't a good week at work, which made it harder to stay on plan. I made it through Saturday, but I was hungry all day. I woke up this morning starving and craving pancakes. I tried to do the right thing. The walk this afternoon was even intended to distract me from eating.

I guess it didn't work. I finally broke down and ordered Chinese for dinner. That's something I rarely do ... just a few times in the past year. I was just so hungry. All things considered, I made decent choices -- steamed dumplings, egg drop soup and chicken with broccoli. I could have done worse.

I'm going to try not to beat myself up over it, but it's hard. I know giving in was actually probably the right thing to do ... as long as it doesn't happen very often. I have this constant worry, though, that once I go down that path, I won't be able to turn around and make myself stop. I'm doing OK and still losing weight overall. But the progress has been much slower and I know it's because of days like this. The splurging is happening far more often in the past couple of months than it did when I first started a year ago.

I don't know how to explain it. Part of it is probably because I've had to lower my food intake as I've lost weight. In the beginning, I could eat a lot more and still lose weight. Of course, it's much harder now. So to lose weight I have to be more restrictive about what I eat and how much. I think I typically eat enough, though.

I can't help but think that today's eating isn't about being hungry. It's related to my emotions. I know it's psychological. But I still can't stop it. And I don't like the fact that I ate the Chinese and I feel better. I guess I should be happy that I have it under control most of the time. I'm going to try to focus on that and, again, try not to be too hard on myself.

How'd I get so lucky?

I got a card from a friend today and the message was just what I needed to hear right now. It said: "A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort." I really haven't known this friend very long and don't know him very well, but he clearly gets my sense of humor. And I feel lucky to have met this person. As I've gone through so many changes this year, there have been a lot of people who've contributed to my success. I can remember the precise moment this person inspired me to truly think about what makes me happy and how to achieve it. It's been a rough few days. This was just what I needed to put me in a better mood. I encourage you all to take a moment to think about the people who've influenced your life in a positive way and to make sure they know.

Weekly weigh-in: Off to a good start

Last week's weight: 193.4
This week's weight: 190.6
Difference: -2.8
Total lost: 81.2

Apparently, getting a little nutty and complaining helps me lose weight. OK. I don't really believe that, but how do you explain this week's weight loss? Of course, I'm ecstatic. I did exercise four days in a row, but then nothing for the past three days. I would say my eating/drinking has been right on track all week, though. This is the biggest weekly loss in a long time. It feels great. I don't expect the amount lost to be that high every week. One pound a week is really my goal for this year.

I have spent a good bit of this week feeling down on myself and whining and blah blah. I've commented more than once that I just wanted something good to happen. Lots of little good things have happened. But there have been a few gigantic bad things. Since I complained about those, though, I feel compelled to blog about the really good thing that happened yesterday. It actually feels weird because now I feel like I'm bragging.

Anyway, I was named manager of the year at work. I thought I might faint when I first realized it was going to be me. I don't take criticism well, but I do usually expect it. Praise is even harder for me to accept. I know, it's all part of my low self-esteem problems. Naturally, I was thrilled. But I felt embarrassed. What did I do to deserve it? I have 20 people on my team and they are the ones who deserve an award. If they didn't consistently perform at a high level, I wouldn't be a good manager. My point, though, is that a really good thing happened. As bad as I felt the day before, I felt equally as good yesterday. So I guess it all balances out.

And now to have lost 2.8 pounds this week is just the icing on the cake. I'm excited to have hit the ground running in the new year.

Low point!

I knew when I woke up this morning that it wasn't going to be a good day. But I really had no idea where it would end up. The day started with me laying in bed for an hour and a half after the alarm went off ... just thinking. That's never a good sign. And I should have been exercising. So I was kind of down on myself.

Getting ready for work didn't help because my clothes simply don't fit and I was having major self-image issues. I know I should be ecstatic when my clothes get too big. I am, really. But my self-esteem has been pretty low lately. I've been trying to pull myself out of this funk and it was working ... and I guess it still is. I'm doing much better now than I was a couple of weeks ago. The new year has re-energized me and, for the most part, things seem to be moving in the right direction.

So back to today. I went through most of the day fine. I was obsessing (mostly in my head, but not entirely) about what I was wearing. A friend at work even tried to convince me to go home and change if it was going to be that much of a problem for me. It wasn't.

Things were ticking along. Then, somehow, the train just drove right off the tracks. I, unfortunately, was standing on the side of the road looking in the opposite direction, so I never saw it coming. It ran right over me. Smoosh! As usual, no details about work stuff here. But I did end up being there 12 hours today.

And when I left, I felt worse than when the day started. (I'm a little worried about admitting that because my boss does read my blog. But she's well aware of most of my issues.) I was driving home and thinking that there was nothing good about this day.

But that's not true. If you're a regular reader, you probably know by now that I am a hopeful person and some might even call me optimistic, which is crazy since I've spent most of my life being the pessimist in the room. So, of course, I'm going to end this post thinking about the good things that happened today.

1. Someone told me they love getting the paper in the morning. Yes, that does make me happy. Even though most days I hardly feel like I've had anything to do it, I am proud of what my team does and I never get tired of hearing people say they like reading the newspaper.

2. I met a new person at lunch. Truth is I sort of already knew the person because we know a lot of the same people and have been friends on facebook for quite some time. It was really nice to get to know him better and understand his perspective. I'd like to think I can call him a friend going forward.

3. I got an e-mail from someone today that surprised me, yet made me happy. Yes, this is vague. Deal with it. Jump to conclusions if you must. You'll probably be wrong.

4. I had several conversations with people at work today that made me excited about what I do and they reminded why I do what I do ... even on the bad days.

5. Finally, a good thing is that I have this blog. Just acknowledging my issues with self-image and confidence somehow makes me feel better. Some days are so hard. Sometimes, I just wish for something good to happen. That's why it's important for me to remember that good things happen all the time. Just because they aren't what I expected doesn't mean I should discount them.

Raising my fitness level

If 2010 was about losing weight, I really want 2011 to be about getting fit. Of course I still want to lose weight. But I know that will happen if I step up my physical activity. So this is my vow to do it.

Thanks to the warm weather, I'm off to a good start. Walked The Loop at Wrightsville Beach yesterday and walked/jogged 3 miles around my neighborhood this morning. I can tell, though, that I hadn't been doing any sort of exercise for a few weeks because my legs are a little sore. And I was pretty slow both days. I'm not going to worry about that right now.

My mission is to simply do some sort of physical activity every day. I feel amazing every time I do. And I think it also helps keep me mentally fit. The walking gives me a lot of time to think. Sometimes that's a bad thing, but somehow doing it while walking clears my mind and gets me focused. I'm still thinking about joining a gym, but I'm not sold on it yet. I just don't know if I would actually go.

So if anyone wants to walk with me or play tennis or whatever, let me know. Part of my goal is going to be finding new places to walk, like Greenfield Lake or Halyburton Park. I just need to get motivated to do it.

To making it count

I'm not sure why that line from Titanic popped into my head this morning, but it certainly is fitting so I'm going with it. I have a lot of goals for the new year, but my only real resolution is to make this year count. For me, that means filling the year with memorable experiences that make me happy. I'm off to a good start.

I rang in the new year with new friends, champagne, a bonfire, fireworks ... and there was a pony. I ate raw fish for the first time and a drank what I'm told was a Manhattan but I'm a little skeptical about whether it was really made correctly. The fish and the drink both weren't too bad. And I love that I'm now the kind of person who wakes up on New Year's Day slightly hungover and decides to go walk The Loop anyway. I feel fantastic!

My weight loss goal for 2011 is to lose 40 more pounds. I've thought about it a lot and decided to give myself the entire year. That's 10 pounds per quarter. (At work, I think we'd call that a SMART goal. Haha.) It's a reasonable and very attainable goal. And I think the slow pace of weight loss will ensure that I keep it off. Plus, it gives me leeway to enjoy my life. For example, I'm having s'mores tonight. Can you believe I've never eaten one before? I can't wait.

As for my other goals, we'll just see what happens. But I do intend to mark a few things off my list of things to do before I'm 40. Of course, I might add a few as well. Happy New Year!