Walking The Loop

A couple of weeks ago, when I hit the 50 pounds lost mark, I decided that one of my rewards was going to be walking The Loop at Wrightsville Beach by the end of August. For those who don't know, it's a 2.45 mile path around the center of the island. Ever since I moved to Wilmington more than 11 years ago, I've wanted to do it. But I never tried ... until today.

My heart was pounding before I even started walking because my anxiety level was high. I parked near the entrance to town hall and headed toward Lumina Avenue. Four minutes in, my legs were hurting and I stopped to catch my breath. I almost turned around.

But I'm not a quitter.

I kept going. The slight incline over the Causeway Drive bridge was not fun. When I hit Lumina Avenue, though, it seemed to get easier. There were lots of people out and about, which gave me something to focus on other than how much my ankles were hurting. I got to Johnnie Mercers Fishing Pier and felt a sense of excitement. That seemed like the halfway point (although I have no idea if that's really true). By the time I got to the Salisbury Street bridge, the sun was getting hot. My face was really red and several muscles were aching, including ones in my back and arms. (I didn't anticipate that.)

But there was no turning back at this point.

I got a little light headed near the pretty stretch of marsh/water. Luckily, there was a bench. I didn't want to stop, but I also figured passing out on the sidewalk probably wouldn't be a good thing. So I took a break. Just a couple of minutes. When I started walking again, I could see the back entrance to town hall. I seriously debated cutting through the parking lot, which would have put me near my car.

But I was so close to completing my goal. And I'm not a quitter.

So I finished the entire Loop. It took me 52 minutes and two short breaks. But it felt amazing. I can't believe I did it. I wasn't sure if I was going to admit this, but I've been pretty open and honest so far about my feelings -- I actually started crying while driving home. Once again, this is a big physical hurdle, but it's an even bigger mental accomplishment. And the truth is now that I'm home, nothing aches. Sure, my body knows it walked 2.45 miles today. But I feel great. I can't wait to do it again ... maybe in a few days.

Can I really do this?

I can't even believe I'm considering it, but a friend has suggested that I walk in the Battleship 5K in November. I say walk because I definitely don't see me running ... at least not the entire distance. There was a time when walking a block downtown seemed impossible and I tried to avoid it. But today I nearly sprinted out of the newsroom because there was breaking news taking place about a block from the office and I wanted to see it for myself. I felt exhilarated.

Can I complete a 5K? I don't know. It scares me to death to even think about it. But it's also exciting. Imagine how amazing I'd feel if I did it. Sure, I'd have to start out walking. But could I be a runner eventually? I've never had a desire to be. Aside from tennis, I've never participated in any sort of athletic activity. But there's something about the idea of walking/running that is starting to appeal to me. Maybe it's because my friend Diana D'Abruzzo writes about it all the time on her blog. She makes it seem like such a rewarding experience. Plus, it seems like the sort of thing that would help me clear my mind.

So if I decide to do it, where do I start? I'm a creature of habit and breaking my old routines hasn't been easy. I just need the right motivation. Any suggestions?

Weekly weigh-in: Am I losing weight too fast?

I just realized that I never posted about my weekly weigh-in. Even though the competition is over at work, I'm still weighing in every Friday morning. Last week, I lost 4.2 pounds, bringing me up to a little more than 55 pounds. As you know by now, I'm pretty realistic.

That's probably too much to lose in one week. I know I wasn't eating enough. As I expressed previously, my emotions were all over the place and the drama level was pretty high. In the past, those emotions and stress would have led me to eat everything in sight, including lots of stuff that's not good for me. Unfortunately, I think I've now gone in the opposite direction. When I'm stressed, I don't eat enough. I've been so preoccupied (mostly with my own thoughts) that I've not been paying enough attention to my eating habits. I haven't been skipping meals, but I have been eating smaller ones and skipping my snacks.

I'm going to try to do better this week, but I'm not off to a very good start. Even if I ate a second dinner, I wouldn't have reached my target Weight Watchers points for the day. Or I guess I could eat 11 bags of popcorn. Since neither of those seem likely, I'll settle for a snack later and resolve to do better tomorrow.

My concern is that everything I've read tells me that losing weight too fast is not good for my body and will make it harder to achieve long-term success. I've actually lost almost 10 pounds in the past three weeks. Weight Watchers says a healthy average is between 1 and 2 pounds a week. Since January, though, I'm averaging 2.1 a week. Should I be worried? I feel really good, much better than I have in years. But I want to make sure I'm being smart and not hurting myself in the long run.

Look how far I've come

I'm taking a lot of steps lately to change the way I look at life. It's not always easy. I'm thrilled to be losing weight, but it does come with mental hurdles. But I'm overcoming them almost daily. So here's to another step in the process.

I'm including three photos of me. The first was taken before I started my weight-loss journey. The second was taken after I'd lost 25 pounds. The third was taken this week at just over 50 pounds lost. I'm so glad I finally compared the photos. It really does help with my self image ... well, sort of. I hate seeing the before photo and I feel embarrassed to include it. So this is a big step and I can't wait to see the photo after I lose 25 more pounds.

No worries

I write one blog post about feeling very emotional about a big change in my life and several people I know seemed to misunderstand. Suggestions included seeking professional help or anti-anxiety medication. Really? That's not necessary. I'm fine.

Yes. For a brief moment yesterday, I was really upset. I cried. I was sad. But there was no need for concern. Just because I don't display emotion often, it doesn't mean I don't feel things. By this morning, I had moved to acceptance. And, in fact, I've come to understand the situation much better in the past 24 hours.

I couldn't give a lot of details yesterday, but it's well known now what's going on. A colleague I respect and admire is leaving. It caught me off guard even though I apparently sensed the person was getting antsy. But I get it. For a brief moment, it was about me. But it's not. This person has a desire to do something different. I respect that. I think I even admire it. It scares me because I'm not that way. But I've had a very good conversation with this person now and I'm 100 percent supportive. Again, I get it.

Thinking more clearly

This is probably going to be hard to believe since my last post was just an hour ago. But I am thinking more clearly. Apparently, blogging is therapeutic. All of a sudden my brain seems to be firing on all cylinders instead of wallowing in misery. Maybe it was good to express my feelings. I've moved on to acceptance. And now I'm focused on what lies ahead. I'm not a quitter. In fact, I'm a fighter. I do not accept failure.

Plus, I've committed to being happy. I don't want to seem irrational about it, but I really want to try. So I'm going to think about what would make me happy in my current situation. I can't change what's already happened. But maybe I can make sure the outcome is positive and is something that will make me happy. Yes, that is what I'm going to think about when I'm going to sleep tonight. Sometimes my best ideas come to me while I'm sleeping. Perhaps that will happen tonight.

Letting my emotions get the better of me

I've been debating for about 30 minutes whether to write this post because I can't really give specifics, but I've obviously decided that blogging just might be therapeutic. For about a week now, my emotions have been all over the place. I've been ecstatic at moments and in tears at other moments. And sometimes I've felt both emotions at the same time, which probably seems weird.

The problem is that I don't let myself get emotionally invested in people very often. It's a product of my childhood. My mom was married and divorced four times and I had stepsisters in two different marriages. Long story short, people came and went. One day, they're your family. The next day, you never see or hear from them again. Sure, it's not like they died. But they were gone. To this day, I don't know what happened to some of those people. So I became detached, untrusting, skeptical.

As a result, I think people view me as an uncaring person. The words thick-skinned and insensitive come to mind. I get it and can see why people would feel that way. But there are a select few who know me better. They know I'm just as insecure as the next person and that I'm very emotional. I just tend to hide my emotions well. That's why the highs and lows of late are so puzzling.

I have allowed myself to get emotionally invested in some people. Their successes are my successes. Their failures are my failures. And my loyalty toward and belief in these people is unwavering. So when they do something that surprises me or disappoints me, I don't handle it well. Yes, I take it personally. On one hand, I think that makes me sound selfish. Shouldn't I be happy when others do things that make them happy? On the other hand, I start to question whether I had something to do with their decisions. It's hard to explain exactly what I mean since I can't go into detail. But it's hard for me not to let my insecurities take over.

And I hate being on this emotional roller-coaster. Why can't things be good for just a little while? There are good things happening in my life. Why do they have to be marred by these bad things?

As I've said before, I think it's important for me to analyze my feelings because I know that overeating has been a coping mechanism for me in the past. I'm proud that I haven't let these ups and downs derail my weight-loss efforts. But I still worry that the possibility is there. Will there be a day when I don't have this self control? It feels like I'm getting closer and closer to that day all the time.

Starting to panic

I decided to take on the challenge of reorganizing my closet this afternoon. It was time. Most of the clothes I've been wearing for years are too big. People have been telling me that for months, but I just couldn't believe them. As I've said before, I look in the mirror and I don't see a difference. Yes, the irrational side of my brain has been poking at the rational side again.

As I was moving stuff around in the closet, I started to panic. My new clothes don't look anything like my old clothes. The "new" side has sleeveless shirts and skirts. Seriously. Am I really going to wear those skirts? They aren't even new. They are clothes I haven't worn in 6 or 7 years, but now they fit again. I tried a couple on. I can't tell if they look good. All I could think about was showing my legs. To be fair, I did wear a skirt to work on Friday and no one made fun of me or pointed and stared. Still, my brain isn't sure.

I didn't quite finish my organizing because the anxiety was too much. I'm not sure I can face the "new" clothes again today.

I want to be clear, though. I'm not complaining. I'm thrilled to be losing weight. But it is mentally challenging. Part of me feels like I'm becoming a different person. I like that person better, but change isn't easy.

Rewards are so much fun

I played tennis this morning for only the second time in 11 years. I used to play several times a week before I moved to Wilmington and I played on my high school team for a year. I'd been thinking about starting to play again for about a year, but I just couldn't get motivated to do it. Finally, after losing 50 pounds, I knew it was time. But I was still nervous and anxious. What if I passed out after 5 minutes?

Well, of course, I didn't. I made it 90 minutes. I did have an excellent partner who was really patient when I missed a shot. (I was just as patient, though, when he hit me while trying to serve. No harm done.) But I actually think I did OK. I wasn't great, but I didn't embarrass myself and that was important to me.

Hitting the ball was great. I love tennis because it requires focus. I can't (and don't) think about anything else except returning the ball. My mind felt so clear. There were no thoughts running through my brain, no strategizing, no what ifs.

Afterward, I felt amazing. I was so sweaty. My face was red. My heart was pounding. But the endorphins were definitely hard at work. I was almost giddy. I love tennis and playing again is a huge reward ... physically and mentally. And, oddly enough, the only thing that hurts is my thumb. Apparently, I need to redo the grip on my racket.

I can't wait to play again! If anyone's interested, let me know.

Time to celebrate

By now you probably know that I won the latest round of the Biggest Loser challenge at work. So it's time to reward myself. I've decided to pick five rewards, one for every 10 pounds lost since January. Plus, that let's me treat myself while also throwing in a few challenges.

Here's the list:

1. New clothes. It would just be wrong to lose more than 50 pounds and not buy new clothes. I shop a lot anyway, but between the past two weekends, I've spent my winnings and then some. So I think that counts as a real shopping spree. I really don't want to buy anymore clothes, though, because I'm still losing weight. I can't afford a new wardrobe every six months.

2. Nice bottle of wine. This is important to me because I do love wine, but I usually buy fairly inexpensive kinds. Since I've already spent my winnings, I can't exactly go crazy. But I think a deserve to spend at least $25. Whether it gets shared with my friend at work (you know who you are) remains to be seen.

3. Tennis. I've loved playing tennis since I was in high school, but I've played just once in the past 11 years. That's unacceptable. So I'm going to pick it up again. If anyone wants to play, please let me know. I've already committed to taking on my boss.

4. The Loop. I want to walk to walk The Loop at Wrightsville Beach. For those who don't know, it's a more than 2-mile trail around the town hall and through part of the town. This is a challenge because I really haven't been exercising much and taking on more physical activity for the second half of the year is extremely important to me. My goal is to do it by the end of August.

5. Be happy. This might seem weird, but I'm giving myself permission to be happy. An intern at work inspired me to add this reward. And I've already been working on this for the past six weeks or so. Happiness comes in many forms, but for me it mostly means not getting bothered by the little things. Instead, I want to see the good in every day. And I want to end every day with a sense of peace. Achieving this will be a struggle, especially since I don't have any real strategies in mind. But I think I've demonstrated that I can do anything I put my mind to.

The final weigh-in ... sort of

We had the final weigh-in today for our Biggest Loser challenge at work, and it went well. Another 2 pounds lost, bringing me to a grand total of 51.6 pounds since January.

This challenge, however, began in April. I don't know exactly how many pounds I lost this time around (it was the second round since the beginning of the year), but it amounted to about 9 percent of my total body weight. Apparently, that was enough to give me a victory. There were about a dozen people participating this time. I can't believe I won!

Now I'm really going to have to come up with a spectacular reward. In fact, I've decided to pick five rewards -- one for each 10 pounds lost. I'm still thinking about my choices, but I plan to share the list by the end of the weekend. I'm still taking ideas, so feel free to make suggestions.

Of course, for me, the challenge hasn't ended. I've been reluctant to set a new goal, but I'm going to do that by the end of the weekend as well. It's good to have goals, but I also know that I must set incremental goals. One big goal is too overwhelming.

So my weigh-ins will continue every Friday and so too will this blog about my weight-loss journey.

How should I celebrate?

According to my scale at home, I've finally hit the 50 pounds lost mark. I won't consider it official until the final weigh-in at work on Thursday, but I'm confident the number will stand or be even better by then. So I'm already thinking about how I should celebrate.

I've been setting small goals since January, but it's always hard for me to come up with a way to reward myself. Yes, of course, just losing the weight is a huge reward. I've bought a few new clothes and treated myself to a haircut. But the truth is that I would have done those things even if I wasn't losing weight. And I'm not one for spending money on manicures/pedicures because I can do that myself at home. Plus, I really want to think of something out of the ordinary.

So I'm taking suggestions.

Mood swings

The day started off on a high note. Although Dunkin Donuts has apparently changed it's egg white flatbread sandwich slightly, I managed to overcome that surprise. I got to work extra early, which meant I ate breakfast before weighing in -- something I've never done because I worry it will add to the number on the scale. When I stepped on the scale, though, I was delighted with the result -- two pounds less than before vacation. That brings me to a total of 49.6 pounds since January. I was pumped.

For the second day in a row, I even had pizza because it was offered free at work. I was thinking about the weigh-in, but I ate two slices anyway. It tasted so good. (All things in moderation, right?) At this point, my mood was good. I had a busy afternoon ahead of me, but I felt relaxed and comfortable ... some might even say I seemed cheerful.

A few hours later, my mood shifted dramatically. No need to get into the details, but I have really been trying to analyze my emotional food triggers -- you know, the times that make you want to eat the whole pan of baked macaroni and cheese or the entire bag of potato chips. This was one of those times. I've always thought of myself as someone who handles stress well. I've had to deal with a lot of it in my life and I think I'm a relatively sane person. What I'm discovering, though, is that negative feelings and stress cause me to overeat. That's not really a surprise, but I do think it's important that I recognize this and try to start dealing with it. That's the only way I will be successful in the long run.

Later in the day, my mood shifted again when I got a piece of good news. But it was short-lived. The cause of my "bad mood" is gnawing at me. That's what my brain does. It latches onto one little thought and just won't let it go ... well, until it gets distracted by something else. But sometimes it can take days. I guess that's what has me worried heading into the weekend. Will I spend it focused on this one negative thought? Surely, that won't be good for me. Luckily, I haven't overeaten. But the thoughts are there and I want to.

Why I took my scale on vacation

When I left for vacation two weeks ago, there was no question in my mind about taking my scale with me. I've weighed almost every day since January, sometimes more than once a day. I know that's against the rules. Everyone says you shouldn't weigh more than once a week. I don't care. It works for me. Plus, if I go up a pound, I don't get all crazy and stop eating or anything like that. I just make sure I'm really careful about what I eat and counting every point for a couple of days. My brain responds to reason and it's reasonable to expect that my weight will fluctuate from day to day. But the constant weighing in does keep me on track and it keeps me from being surprised when I officially weigh-in on Fridays. I don't like surprises.

So I went on vacation expecting to gain weight. I figured I could live with up to three pounds. While I was there, it was hard to except seeing a higher number (sometimes as much as 5 pounds higher). And it seemed like the number was getting bigger every day. I did eat and drink a lot more than normal. And some of it definitely wasn't good for me, including alcohol, creamed chipped beef, french fries and fried crab cakes. It tasted so good and I was on vacation. But the truth is that I ate just as many good foods, including fruit, salads, grilled chicken and turkey. When it was all said and done, I went over my daily Weight Watchers points allotment every day and I used my weekly points (and then some). But I also used a lot more energy than normal by climbing up and down stairs at the dock and walking around the town.

It was worth it, especailly now that I've been back home a few days. The scale, for once, is being kind. It actually says I've lost weight since the last official weigh-in two weeks ago. Now, who knows what the scale will say tomorrow morning when I actually weigh-in. But I'm pretty sure it won't say that I've gained weight. That's why I took the scale on vacation. I splurged plenty, but I needed those constant weigh-ins to help me make smart choices at least part of the time.