Weekly weigh-in: Doing better

Last week's weight: 194
This week's weight: 191
Difference: -3
Total weight lost: 80.8

I weighed in a day early this week because I won't be in the office Friday morning, which is when I normally weigh in. Plus, I knew this had been a good week and I figured seeing the number on the scale would be a nice little confidence boost. I'm not quite back to where I was a month ago, but I'm close and at least I'm heading in the right direction. I had hoped to be at about 90 pounds lost by April 1. So you can see it has not been a successful three months for weight loss. But I am at least maintaining and proving that when I gain a little, I can and will take the right steps to lose it. My eating habits still haven't been as great as I would like, but I am doing better and making smarter choices. I still haven't gotten back to walking, but part of that has to do with the weather getting cold and rain. For now, I'm just glad to see losses two weeks in a row. That's enough to keep me going.

Weekly weigh-in: Not too bad

Last week's weight: 195.4
This week's weight: 194
Difference: -1.4
Total weight lost: 77.8

Of course, I would have liked to have lost more weight this week. But under the circumstances -- lots of stress and a little splurging -- I'm happy with the number. When I weighed earlier this week, it looked like I had actually gained since last week. So I know I should be happy with the result. I'm still disheartened by the fact that I'd hoped to reach 85 to 90 pounds lost by April 1. Obviously, I will not achieve that goal. And as much as I talk about getting back on track, it's not easy. Just last night, I was at a charity event and at mac and cheese, a brownie and a cookie. I knew I shouldn't do it, but I simply didn't have the willpower to stop myself. That's the part that scares me. In the beginning, my resolve seemed much stronger. I don't know why it's waning now. I think it does have something to do with food, especially sugar, being an addiction. The more I eat of it, the more I want to eat. Plus, as I've said before, my success has a lot to do with planning meals. I'm doing better this week, but still not as good I was for much of last year. All I can say is that it's a slippery slope, and I'm really trying to end the backsliding. If I could string a few good weeks together, I think I'd be in a better place. For now, though, I'll just keep working on taking it one day at a time.

Signs of progress

Despite yesterday's setback, I woke up today feeling reinvigorated. Of course, it's possible that my walk last night and my reassessment of what I've been eating helped. I know it's not going to be easy, but I am determined to be successful again. I know how to make the right food choices. I feel mentally prepared for today, which includes lunch and dinner out. I'm trying to take it one day at a time. Yesterday was a good day for eating and exercising. I think today will be, too.

I know I've said this before, but one thing that makes a huge difference in my attitude is having support from my friends. Once again, I'm thankful for the comments people have made in person, on facebook and on this blog. I can't tell you how much it means and how motivating it is to know that others understand my struggles. The support is amazing. It actually makes me believe I can get back to where I was.

I don't really know what to expect at tomorrow's weigh-in. I'd love for the number to at least be lower than last week. That would be enough for now to keep me going. But I am trying to prepare myself to see a higher number. I don't want anymore backsliding, so I know I need to get my head in the right place. I really enjoyed yesterday's 2.4-mile walk and eating better definitely puts me in a better mood. That's going to be my focus right now.

The source of the problem

I've spent the past 30 minutes logging everything I've eaten since Sunday on the Weight Watchers site. And I think I've discovered what's causing me to gain weight -- I'm eating too much and the wrong foods. This is not exactly a major discovery because I think I already knew it. But it does help to see exactly how much I'm eating and, in some cases, be reminded that I didn't make the smart choice at a restaurant.

I was pretty bummed earlier today about the recent weight gain. But you probably know by now that I'm not the kind of person to just ignore a problem. I was tempted to bury my head under the covers when I got home today and sulk. Truth is, there is a little sulking going on. But I'm trying to overcome it.

Problem solving is what I do best. So that's what I've decided to do. I walked 2.4 miles this evening and so far I'm slightly under my daily Weight Watchers points allotment, which means I can still have a little snack before bed. Oh, and I've increased the amount of water I'm drinking significantly today.

All I need to do is repeat today and I should be headed in the right direction. As part of my plan, though, I'm going to try to plan what I eat better. For example, I'm going out to lunch with colleagues tomorrow and I'm already thinking about what I will order. If I decide in advance, I'm less likely to make the wrong choice.

I was very successful at losing weight for a year. There's no reason I can't be successful again. So I'm trying to keep my chin up and just start over ... again.

I might cry

After last week's debacle, I've tried to do better with my eating this week. I haven't been perfect, but I've certainly limited the bad choices. So I decided to do a mid-week weigh-in today. I felt pretty good about this week, so I figured I was bound to have lost weight already. Seriously, I still can't believe I gained 6.2 pounds last week.

Well, it backfired. The scale says I've gained another 1.6 pounds. How is that even possible? What is going on? I've been trying to shrug it off and not get too stressed about it. But this is ridiculous now and I'm starting to panic. My anxiety about this recent weight gain is through the roof. And it's starting to affect my mood.

As of today, I'm at 197 pounds. Once I got under 200 pounds, I said I'd never weight that much again. I meant it. I can't imagine how I'm going to feel if I hit that point. I'm already about to cry.

I don't know what to do. I guess the first step should be to seriously assess what I'm eating and drinking and how much. For me to do this, though, it has to be a top priority and has to be what I think about most. That's going to be hard right now because I do have other priorities in my life. But reaching my goal weight is so important to me. I cannot stand the idea of failing. I should probably look back at what I was eating before and copy those menus.

I also know that I need to return to walking or some form of exercise. Obviously, walking has worked well in the past. I just need something to get me motivated. I did so well for so long. What's stopping me now?

I wish I could end on a more positive note. The good news is that I'm not really going to cry. I'm feeling anxious and worried more than anything. And there's also some confusion because I don't fully understand why I'm gaining right now. Ugh!

Weekly weigh-in, part 2: Even worse than I expected

Last week's weight: 189.2
This week's weight: 195.4
Difference: +6.2
Total weight loss: 76.4

If you read this morning's post, then you know I was prepared for a bad week when I stepped on the scale. But this week's gain was even worse than I expected. I do think it's pretty hard to actually gain 6 pounds in a week, so I'm guessing part of that is all the foods I ate that were high in sodium.

Honestly, I almost didn't weigh in this week. I didn't want to face it. But denial isn't going to get me anywhere. I've already committed to doing better. All I can do now is move forward. Dwelling on my mistakes won't make that any easier. I'm a little freaked out by the backsliding, but I'm mostly willing myself to be tough.

So far, so good today. Everything I've eaten has been healthy and lowfat. And I feel good. If I can just make it through the weekend, I think I'll be headed in the right direction.

Weekly weigh-in: I've hit rock bottom

Last week's weight: 189.2
This week's weight: I don't weigh-in until I go to work this afternoon.
Difference: It's not going to be pretty.
Total weight lost: I'll record this later today even though I'm tempted not to this week.

You can probably tell already that it hasn't been a good week in my weight-loss journey. I dare say I've hit rock bottom and it's time to think about simply starting over. Since just before Thanksgiving, I've been allowing myself to "splurge" from time to time. Well, over time, it's just gotten worse and worse.

Food is an addiction. I eat one bad thing and I want another. Then another. You get the picture. You may not care, but I feel the need to come clean about all the bad things I've eaten and drank this past week. They include: wine, beer, Chinese food, hibachi steak and chicken, fried rice (twice), an ice cream sundae, pancakes, bacon, fried potatoes, frozen pizza, fritos, potstickers, spring rolls, corned beef and cabbage, potato chips ... and to top it off, I had a big mac and french fries from McDonald's last night. I know some of these foods and drinks would be OK in moderation. The problem is that I'm not controlling how much I eat.

If you don't have this addiction, you don't understand it. I don't even understand it, but I know it exists. That said, I also know that I have the power to overcome the addiction. I did it for a year. The key is figuring out how to do it forever.

I've said all along that I wasn't going to stress too much about the weekly weight loss or gain as long as I was losing overall and getting closer to my goal. But I feel this week has been a wake-up call. It's time to decide if I'm going to continue down the healthy eating path or go back to being the person I was before.

Just by the fact that I'm writing about it in the blog, I think you probably know which direction I'm choosing. The way I've been eating lately has affected me physically and mentally. I don't like the way all the processed food and sugar make me feel. So I'm starting over right now. It's not going to be easy, especially since I've been eating out more. But it's what I want.

I know the first few days/weeks will be the hardest. Pretty much eliminating sugar will probably make me a little grumpy. I just hope others will understand and be supportive. It is going to take a lot of focus and will power. (Off to a good start. Just broke the news to my boyfriend that our plan to go to dinner at a fondue restaurant tomorrow night might not be a good idea. Naturally, he's willing to go somewhere else. Awww.) I've clearly already proven that I can do this. I did it for a year and never felt better. Wish me luck!

Weekly weigh-in: Surprise, surprise, surprise

Last week's weight: 190.6
This week's weight: 189.2
Difference: -1.4
Total weight lost: 82.6

This week's number was completely unexpected. But, of course, I'm thrilled. I'm having a terrible day, so this is at least one bright spot. Based on my poor eating some days this week and lack of exercise, I expected to have stayed the same or even to have gained a pound. So the progress might be slow, but I am still making progress toward my goal. I had hoped to reach 90 pounds lost by April 1, which is highly unlikely at this point. I'm not going to beat myself up. Instead, I'm going to revise my goal. Now, I'm hoping to get to 85 pounds lost. Based on my current rate of weight loss even that will be a struggle. But I like having a goal.

An interesting perspective

I was talking to my boyfriend last night about my blog because he'd read yesterday's post. Of course, the part that stood out was that I said I think about him a lot. But then he said he feels weird talking to me about my "diet" because he doesn't want me to think he thinks I need to lose weight. Aww. That's so sweet.

The conversation got me thinking that a lot of people probably don't know how to respond to my weight loss. In the beginning, I never talked about it. Now I'm very open.

I guess I can see how it would be weird for people. When I chastise myself for eating a cookie or pie or having wine, what are others supposed to say? If they agree that it was bad, they seem to be criticizing me. If they tell me not to worry about it, then they seem to be enabling me.

I told my boyfriend that the best approach is to listen, but not to feel compelled to respond. I also stressed that I am the only one who can control what I eat and drink. No, I don't want someone constantly telling me to eat things that are bad for me. But I know they can't make me eat it.

I also don't think others should change their habits because of me. That said, I feel like I should be able to at least comment on how difficult it is for me to watch someone else eat candy, pie, fried foods, etc. in front of me.

For the most part, everyone has been tremendously supportive throughout this process. I wouldn't have made it without the people who've told me I'm doing a good job. I most appreciate people who let me ramble on about my successes and failures and they let me eat whatever I want without judgment. I've come a long way. I think I know what I'm doing at this point.

What's most important to me, though, is that people understand how important this journey is. I told my boyfriend that I am committed to achieving my goal. That doesn't mean I won't splurge from time to time or that I'll get there as quickly as I'd like. But it is about personal development. I'm not doing this for anyone but me.

A broken record

I feel like I'm repeating myself a lot lately in my posts. For months now, I've been stuck. I gain a little. I lose a little. I try not to worry about it too much because so much is going right in my life. But some days it does get to me. I really wonder why I'm not able to get back to where I was with my eating habits.

So many days I feel like I'm starting over. I make it until dinner and then the urge to snack hits. I try to think of things to keep myself busy at home, but it's not easy. I'm tired. I haven't been doing much walking the past couple of weeks. So I end up sitting on the couch for hours.

As I've said before, I know what I need to do. I need to start keeping track of what I'm eating and planning meals and snacks. I also know that I need to keep the bad stuff out of my house. Food is an addiction. I had a lot of will power early on, but now I seem to be caving left and right. For example, for most of last year, I never ate any of the "free food" brought into the office. Now, I can't resist. This week, I did eat only 1/3 of a doughnut, but I wish I hadn't eaten any of it. At lunch today, I splurged on the entree then I ate a giant cookie simply because it was warm and free.

I've also noted before that it takes a lot of focus to lose weight. Apparently, my brain can seriously focus on only two things at once. One of those is always work. Last year, the other was losing weight. Now I'm focused on a new relationship. I'm so happy about it, but it is pretty much all I think about outside of work.

I'm thinking I'll find some balance soon. Since I'm not gaining weight, I'm inclined to not stress about it too much. I still have my goal of losing 40 pounds by the end of the year in mind, and I think I can still achieve it. I'm also really hoping that as soon as the weather gets a little warmer and it stays daylight longer in the evenings, I will start walking again every day.

Back to blogging

I apologize for barely blogging the past couple of weeks. I've been pretty open so far about things, so I might as well tell you why. I started dating someone. Spending time with him and, well, just thinking about him have dominated the past couple of weeks.

I've tended to use this blog to write about whatever I'm thinking about. But, for the most part, that will not include this relationship. So I haven't been blogging. I'm sure I will eventually share some thoughts and feelings, but I don't plan to be too detailed. I'm sorry, but that's just how it's going to be.

That said, I am committed to blogging about my journey. And this relationship is a part of that. So I'm going to try to keep a balance and resume blogging. The person I'm dating reads my blog, so I'm sure he'll tell me if I've revealed too much.

Plus, right now, my thoughts are on how to start losing weight again. For several months now, I've barely lost anything ... just a pound here and there. I know my eating habits are to blame, but I don't know how to control them. I try to keep track, but then I don't. I try to make a plan, but then I splurge. I know it's about focus. I need to regain the resolve I had early on. The problem is that there are so many things vying for my attention. Although they are good things, they do keep me from being diligent about my weight loss.

I keep hoping that one day something is going to click again. The good news, I guess, is that I'm not gaining weight. Another good note, I'm routinely buying clothes in the misses section now instead of the woman's section. That's an amazing feeling. But I do have a goal of losing the last 40 pounds by the end of this year. I still thinks it's possible. As usual, wish me luck.

Weekly weigh-in: Emotional eating

Last week's weight: 188.8
This week's weight: 190.6
Difference: +1.8
Total weight loss: 81.2

I'm not surprised at all that I gained this week. In fact, I wouldn't have been surprised if I'd gained even more. The past couple of weeks have been pretty chaotic and overwhelming -- in a good way. But my eating habits have not been very good. I've been very honest so far, so I have to admit that there's been some emotional eating going on the past couple of weeks. I keep trying to resist the bad foods, but then I just can't. I find that the worst time of day is after work. I eat dinner, but then I just want to snack. And I haven't chosen the best snacks -- Girl Scout cookies, chips and hummus, cheese and crackers. If I could give up the snacking, I think I'd be OK. Plus, I haven't exercised nearly enough. As usual, all I can do is start again and hope for a better week. I have some really good things happening in my life right now, so I'm not going to let a little setback here and there cause me too much stress.