I feel fat

I actually hate the word fat, but I can't think of any other way to describe how I've been feeling lately. It's my own fault. I've let my guard down in recent weeks. What did I expect?

I got oh so close to reaching my intermediate goal -- 100 pounds lost -- and then I caved. I started letting myself slip here and there. One cookie won't hurt. Just a small container of frozen yogurt. I deserve a glass of wine. I convinced myself that I'd make up for the splurges later.

But I didn't. Instead, I kept eating/drinking more. After several days of overdoing it last week, I mentally decided to put my foot down. Sunday was going to be a fresh start. I did well that day. By Monday night, however, I couldn't stop myself from digging in the freezer for something ... anything ... with carbs. Then today I really lost it. Three mini cupcakes, about 20 Hershey's kisses and a half of a sticky bun later, I'm wallowing in self-pity.

I feel fat because I'm eating too much. It doesn't help that I look at myself and all I see is flab. The skin under my chin is all wrinkled and sagging. The skin under my arms flops around like I have wings. Even my legs seem all jiggly. And then there are the rolls of flab around my stomach.

One side of my brain realizes that I'm just feeling sorry for myself and I have no good reason to feel the way I do. The other side is louder. It's telling me to eat a cheeseburger if I want it or to go to the store right now and buy a box of macaroni and cheese. It's asking: Why am I doing this to myself? What IS the point?