Losing the battle, winning the war

After Friday's weigh-in, I had a feeling I wasn't going to be able to resist temptation. I felt like I was starving all day. I ate more than normal during the day, but nothing too crazy. After work, though, I just couldn't fight it anymore.

Yes, keeping track of everything I eat and stopping myself from eating whatever I want often feels like a fight. It can be draining. On Friday afternoon, I decided to just give in. I had mac and cheese and cookies for dinner. I felt sick afterward, which just makes me feel stupid for stuffing my face.

I started Saturday with a renewed sense of purpose. Oatmeal and a banana for breakfast. Light soup for lunch. Popcorn for snack in the afternoon. Then, I snapped again. I actually got in the car and drove to Costco to get pizza for dinner. I ate three pieces and then had lowfat ice cream for dessert.

I didn't feel sick this time. Instead, I went to bed feeling full and satisfied. When I woke up this morning, I was starving. So I ate two pieces of leftover pizza for breakfast. Before this morning's pizza, the scale was already showing the effects of my splurging -- up 1.2 pounds since Friday.

I don't like where this is going, but I don't know how to stop myself. I'm so tired. Eating the right foods and the right amount is exhausting. I've changed my behavior in a lot of ways, but old habits are hard to break.

What scares me is that I wasn't even regretting this weekend's indulgences until I was cleaning out my wallet and looked at my driver's license photo. Is that what I look like when I eat pizza and pasta and cookies? I know a couple of days of bad eating won't cause me to gain back 85 pounds, but I feel like that person from a year and a half ago when I eat those foods.

I've written a lot about how much I've changed, not just physically, since this journey began. Have I really? Sometimes, I feel like the same old me. The one who ate to feel better. I don't want to go back, but I don't know how to stop myself. I just don't know if I can keep fighting it.

As usual, writing this post has given me a bit of clarity. I know how to fight it. I'm a very strategic thinker and a problem solver by nature. I need a plan of attack. That's going to be my goal for the day. I may have lost the battle this weekend, but I can still win the war.