I hate crying!

First, let me start by saying that I don't want to talk about it. I blog because writing down what I'm thinking and feeling helps me work through my problems. I do it in a public blog because I can only hope that my forthrightness might make others feel better about their troubles and realize that they're not alone.

So, to the point of this post, I hate crying. I don't really remember what I was like as a child, but as an adult, I've never been a big crier. As I've said before, I used food to deal with my emotions. Now I've had to find other outlets. I feel like I've cried more in the past few years than I ever have in my entire life.

In particular, since my boyfriend broke up with me three weeks ago, I've cried even more. I don't like it, especially since I often don't see the tears coming. For example, I was dealing with a stressful situation at work one day last week, and the next thing I knew, I was sitting in my boss' office bawling. Not just teary eyes or sniffles. Full on crying. Then yesterday I started crying while driving home from the grocery store. And these are just a few examples. I've probably cried every couple of days for the past three weeks.

It's hard to pinpoint what's triggering the crying, but I've come to realize that I simply can't block someone I cared about a lot from my brain (or my heart). I miss him. Until this weekend, I don't think I realized exactly how deeply I felt for this person. It's really hard for me to admit it because I'm usually a rock during difficult times. But now I'm a mess.

Not to be too dramatic, some days are better than others. I'm not spending every waking moment wallowing in self pity. In fact, I've done quite a few fun things with friends recently, which I really appreciate. Those were happy moments.

Some days, I'm just sad. I worry a lot about why I wasn't the right person and whether anyone will ever want to be with me. I'm 40 and not getting any younger (and, as of right now, I'm not getting any thinner).

Another thing I realized this weekend is that I'm not really ready to date anyone else. I thought finding someone else would be the easy solution. Turns out that's making it even harder. Every person I've "chatted" with via match.com recently (and there haven't been that many) has something wrong with them. I'm sure they don't really, but I've found something to dislike about every person who's shown interest in me. That's a clear sign that I'm not ready.

So I don't know what to do now. I wish I had a button to turn off my brain. That would truly be the easiest solution.