Sleepless in Wilmington

For the past 10 nights, I've slept through the night only once. Every other night has been a mixed bag. Some nights, it takes forever for me to fall asleep and then I toss and turn. Other nights, I fall asleep fairly early only to wake up somewhere between 1 and 3 a.m. Sometimes I go back to sleep for an hour or two. Sometimes I don't.

As I was sitting in the bed at 2:30 this morning (eating chips and watching a cheesy romantic comedy), I was reminded of a favorite line from "Sleepless in Seattle." (That's not the movie I was watching.) In the scene, Meg Ryan's character and Rosie O'Donnell's character are watching "An Affair to Remember."

Here's the dialog:
Annie Reed: Now that was when people KNEW how to be in love. They knew it! Time, distance... nothing could separate them because they knew. It was right. It was real. It was...
Becky: A movie! That's your problem! You don't want to be in love. You want to be in love in a movie.

Yes, I want to be in love in a movie. I want a man to bring me flowers from time to time. I want a man who calls (or, in this day and age, texts) just to say hello. I want a man who thinks his life is better with me in it. What's wrong with wanting those things?

After getting dumped a week ago, I thought I was fine. Last week really wasn't so tough. I focused on work, healthy eating, exercise and spending time with friends. The days went by quickly and I convinced myself that the breakup may have been for the best. What I've realized, though, is that I'm not dealing with my feelings.

The sleepless nights are trying to tell me something. I was emotionally invested in the relationship. I'm generally pretty guarded and I fought it in the beginning. But week after week, I let myself get more comfortable and more attached. Then, bam ... one day it's just over.

I've had a lot of experience dealing with relationships that end that way (not romantic ones, but friendships and other personal relationships that I don't want to get into publicly). As a teenager, I dealt with them by eating. That habit continued into adulthood. Nearly four years ago, I decided that I would no longer use food to comfort me.

I've slipped a few times and it's a constant struggle. But I've mostly been successful. And I thought that if I could make it through a week after the breakup without binging, I'd be OK. So I don't know why I'm finding it so difficult right now. Maybe it's the lack of sleep. Maybe it's a lack of focus. Maybe it's just weakness.

Whatever the reason, I must get more sleep soon. Staying awake for hours in the middle of the night gives me far too much time to think. And that just leads to sadness and depression.

I hate ending on a bad note, so I'll leave you with another scene from "Sleepless in Seattle" that always makes me laugh:
Co-Worker: It's easier to be killed by a terrorist than it is to find a husband over the age of 40!
Annie: That statistic is not true!
Becky: That's right it's not true, but it feels true.