Starting to panic

I hesitate to write this post because I think most rational people will tell me I'm being crazy or just whining. But I'm hoping that getting it out will make me feel better.

I came on vacation knowing that I would probably gain a couple of pounds. I felt mentally prepared to do so. The first two days were fine. I went a little overboard, but I wasn't too worried since I feel like I'm expanding a lot more energy than normal. There are lots of stairs I have to climb to get to and from the dock and riding in a boat when the water's rough definitely used a lot of muscles I didn't know I had.

On Monday, I got right back on track. I felt good. But the scale simply isn't cooperating. As of this morning, I've gained 2 pounds. Sure that's not so bad. But the week is only halfway over. Plus, I woke up at 5 a.m. worried about it. Have I become so accustomed to losing weight these past six months that I'm not mentally prepared to gain?

It's important to me that I lose weight in a way that allows me to keep it off for the rest of my life. That's why it's also important to me that I manage the mental side as well. I don't want to be the person who NEVER takes a bite of cake or eats a french fry because I'm afraid to gain weight.

So why am I so panicked this week? I think I fear that one splurge will lead to another one and then another one and then I'll be right back where I was. And I've worked hard these past six months, so gaining weight now means that work was for nothing. That doesn't fit well with my rational mind, which is very efficient and believes in doing things right the first time.

The scale surprised me today

The results of today's weigh-in surprised me. I lost more than 2 pounds this week, which brings my grand total since January up to 47.6 pounds. I really did try to take it easy this week but I expected to lose about a pound. Of course I was thrilled with the number I saw. Besides, I'm about to go on vacation and I'm fully prepared to gain weight. I don't want to overdo it, but I also don't want to worry too much. I was just telling my mom that I've really gotten used to making smart food choices. Sure, I might gain a couple of pounds while on vacation, but that seems reasonable. I know I'm going to splurge. But I think I'll be fine as long as I don't go crazy and eat all the things I used to eat. Instead, I'm hoping I can indulge a little each day, but mostly stay on track. Wish me luck!

Rational vs. irrational

I was reading a blog post this morning from a friend who's also trying to lose weight, and it made me think about split personalities. I'm typically considered a rational person. I like process and I think logically. Of late, however, the irrational part of my brain seems to be poking at the rational side.

Specifically as it relates to my weight loss journey, my rational mind says I should be really proud that I've lost more than 45 pounds since the beginning of the year. My rational self knows that losing that much weight is bound to make a difference in how a look and feel. Besides, I do feel better and some of my clothes are getting too big.

But my irrational mind looks in the mirror and doesn't see any changes. It starts to tell me that there's no point. I've been trying to lose weight for six months and I don't look any different. Plus, there are still plenty of clothes in the closet that don't fit. So clearly I have some body image issues.

Then there are my food issues. My rational mind understands that I need to eat a certain amount and type of food to stay healthy ... and lose weight. My irrational mind sometimes thinks I should just stop eating. And, oddly enough, there are days when I feel like I could not eat. Of course, then there are those days when I still want to eat everything in sight.

So how do I stop the irrational side of my brain from overtaking the rational side?

Dealing with stress

I don't have a lot to say so far this week about my weight-loss efforts. I've been on track every day, but somehow the scale says I've gained almost 2 pounds. All I can do is hope to see a different number on Friday.

So I've decided to weigh in on a different subject today. I found myself thinking today about one of the best days I can remember. It was about 14 years ago. I had just graduated from college and was preparing to move to a small town in Virginia because that's where I was hired as a reporter.

I ended up spending hours walking in the park with a good friend. I don't remember what we talked about, but I do remember how simple and easy life seemed. We didn't stay friends, but to this day I remember certain pieces of advice he gave me -- most of it having to do with choosing a path in life that makes you happy.

Whenever I get particularly stressed, I tend to think about that day. I want to recapure the way I felt -- comfortable and happy. As I've gotten older and had more and more life experiences, I truly miss the hours we spent back then talking about our hopes and dreams.

What a week

Emotionally, this has been one roller-coaster of a week. I've been all over the place, and there were probably more low moments than high ones. But the week did end on a high note.

The results of today's weigh-in were surprising -- 3.8 pounds. I was shocked. I expected about 2 pounds based on what I'd been seeing on the scale at home each day. I've had a couple of slow weeks recently, so maybe the scale is finally catching up.

This week's loss brings me up to 45.2 pounds total since the beginning of the year. I still can't believe it. In addition to losing a lot this week, I was able to wear a new shirt I just bought in a smaller size. And everyone (well, at least 15 people) told me how much they liked it or how nice it looked. That does a lot for a person's motivation.

So I'm feeling pretty good and happy to end the week on a positive note.

A bad day

I've been on track since last Friday and I felt like I was seeing progress. Then, today happened. I ate light Monday, knowing that today might be a splurge day. I was in a daylong training session at work and lunch was provided.

Having to eat what's provided or going to a restaurant has proven to be a real challenge for me. Today's downfall was Quizno's. All of the sandwiches had cheese and mayo. I knew when I was making my selection that I should have opted for one small sandwich, but I couldn't stop with just one. They were delicious. I did stick with turkey and baked chips, but the cheese and mayo put me over the top.

To top it off, the afternoon proved to be more stress than I could handle. After dinner, I ended up eating two snacks. Sure, I stuck with lowfat Kashi cereal and a Weight Watchers frozen latte bar. But all in all, it wasn't a good day and once again I fell victim to my emotions. The only good news is that I did make smarter food choices.

What a good feeling

I'm not sure why I picked today ... but I ended up trying on a bunch of old clothes. All of a sudden this afternoon, I just started pulling things off the hanger in my closet. I found several dresses that I haven't worn in at least five years. They fit now. It was so exciting and made me feel so good.

One dress, in particular, used to be a favorite. I don't even remember when or why I stopped wearing it. But I know it stopped fitting a long time ago. The fact that it fit made me so happy. I can't wait to wear it.

On a related note, I went shopping for new clothes today. I bought a sleeveless shirt in a size smaller than what I was wearing just a few months ago. I also bought a shirt that was a little too small, but it was on sale. Now, my goal is to lose enough wait in the next month or so to make it fit. I loved the shirt and it was on sale. Is that strange?

Really, though, I love that old clothes are starting to fit and I'm seeing a difference in the size I wear. It feels good.

Do you want the good news or the bad news first?

I'll start with the bad news. This morning's weigh-in didn't go quite as well as I'd hoped. I lost just over a half pound, bringing my total weight loss since January up to more than 41 pounds. I know I should be happy. A loss is a loss. And considering I splurged a little at a cookout last weekend and at dinner out on Wednesday, I know I'm lucky I didn't gain. Plus, I haven't exercised in more than a week. But like most people trying to lose weight, I want it to happen faster.

So the good news, apparently I wasn't the only one at work struggling this week. I lost the second-highest percentage of weight this week. I've even moved up to third place in the overall competition.So that's exciting. It also goes to show just how difficult it is to stick with it. BTW, I only think this is good news because I am a competitive person. I like that I moved up in the standings.

Does crazy = weight loss?

Maybe. Sometimes, it feels like the craziest weeks are the ones where I lose weight. So I'm starting to associate crazy with weight loss.

This week has been so hectic and stressful. But my pre-weigh-in this morning went well. It showed that I had lost almost a pound this week. Of course, anything's possible by tomorrow morning when I really weigh in, but I think I'm going to see a good result.

And the best part is that I've resisted the urge to overeat this week. I've splurged a little here and there, but no more so than any other week. The bad part is that I haven't been on the exercise bike in more than a week. Physical activity has been the biggest hurdle. I just can't get going or stay committed to it.

I think all the pacing I've done at work and elevated heart rate because of stress have actually worked in my favor. That's probably not the right mindset. But I do like what I see on the scale.

My cereal does not taste like dog food

About a week ago, I decided to try Kashi's Heart to Heart Toasted Oat cereal. It's very low in fat and calories and one serving is three-fourths cup. I don't like milk, so I figured the cereal would be a nice sweet and crunchy snack in the afternoons. I did notice that the round and heart-shaped pellets looked a bit like dry dog food, but I liked the taste. Today, a colleague walked by my desk and felt the need to point out that the cereal looks like dog food. Then he tasted a couple of morsels and said it even tastes like dog food. Haha.

Unrelated to the dog food comment, I came pretty close to cracking today. For some reason, I've been starving all day. I really don't know why because I think I've eaten plenty -- WW frozen breakfast sandwich, Kashi frozen lunch entree with pasta and chicken, a sample of homemade sloppy joes, Kashi cereal without milk and a Kashi protein/fiber bar. That's all before dinner.

After work, I had a few errands to run and I was feeling tempted to stop for a fast-food dinner. Zaxby's, which I haven't eaten in more than six months, sounded so good. Instead, I headed straight for the grocery store salad bar. Although it was looking sad, I put some lettuce, grape tomatoes and boiled egg white pieces in my plastic container. Then I walked through the entire store looking at all the other things I wanted to eat. I picked up the hot dogs, but put them back. I scanned the prepared foods counter, but the mac and cheese and fried chicken looked like it'd been there all day. I looked in every freezer in the frozen food aisle, spending extra time looking at the pizza and ice cream.

The whole time, I was carrying my poor little salad. Luckily, I resisted everything, paid $2 for my wilted lettuce and headed home. My mood was low, so I put on my pajamas and crawled into bed. But all I could do was think about eating and my stomach was starting to growl.

I finally had to get up and eat my sad salad. I'm also having a baked potato with a spicy beef topping for dinner. There's no chance I'll still be hungry after eating it all. So I'm proud I overcame all of the temptations, especially the ones I built up in my head. But I'm also wondering if it will ever get easier.

Welcome to my blog about weight loss

In January 2010, I reluctantly agreed to join some of my co-workers in our own version of the Biggest Loser. I'd already made a New Year's resolution to lose weight, exercise more, eat better ... you know the drill. But I've been making the same resolution since I was in high school 20 years ago. Why was this year going to be different?

I didn't really think it would be because I've never really committed to losing weight. I've thought about it a lot. But I've never made serious changes in my habits to produce change. When the challenge with my co-workers came along, I guess something just clicked. Mostly, I think I feared public failure.

So I signed up for Weight Watchers online. A colleague had been following Weight Watchers for about six months and she was doing great, looking slimmer and slimmer every day. Hearing her talk about it made me think I could do it too. Plus, I have another friend who's been very successful following Weight Watchers. What did I have to lose ... except those extra pounds.

I didn't win the challenge at work, but I did lose 24.6 pounds in three months, which was more than I ever imagined. Of course, I had to stick with it. Luckily, some of my co-workers decided to compete again. The weekly weigh-in on Fridays is definitely a motivator. I'm not winning this round either, but I am losing. Since January, I've lost a total of 40.8 pounds.

I plan to use this blog to talk about my weight-loss efforts and the ups and downs associated with those efforts. I love to experiment with recipes, so I'll also try to post those when possible or link to the sites where I found them.

If you have any advice, please feel free to share it.