Weekly weigh-in: Slow and steady

Last week's weight: 186
This week's weight: 184.6
Difference: -1.4
Total weight lost: 87.2

I weighed in a day early this week because I'm headed out of town for a few days. In the past, I've taken the scale with me. But not this time. I feel like I should be happy about this week's weight loss. I splurged a little yet I still lost. That's always good. But I'm disappointed that I didn't reach my goal of 90 pounds lost by July 1. Sure, I'm close. And at least I'm losing again -- averaging a half a pound a week over the past couple of months. All things considered, that's a good result. My new goal is to reach 100 pounds lost by Oct. 1. That seems a bit unrealistic because I'd need to lose about a pound a week. If I stop the occasional indulgences, I can do it. I guess I'll just see how things go during July. I may have to revise the goal.

A brand new day

I had a bit of an emotional breakdown last night. In hindsight, I should have seen it coming. I'm sure everyone else did. I've been so stressed out with my dad's passing and everything else that has been going on. It was bound to happen sooner or later.

Unfortunately, I dragged another person into my meltdown. For that, I'm sorry. But I think the outburst was ultimately a good thing. I woke up this morning thinking so clearly. I actually feel better today than I have in weeks.

The weight I've been carrying on my shoulders doesn't feel nearly as heavy. Instead, I feel ready to tackle whatever comes my way today. In addition to letting my emotions get the better of me yesterday, I let them dictate my eating. I overdid yesterday. Not in a terrible way, but I definitely ate more than I should have. And I ate because of how I was feeling, not because I was hungry.

But today is a brand new day. I feel refreshed and re-energized. I guess sometimes you just need to start with a clean slate. So that's what I'm doing.

Snack attack

I can't stop eating today. I'm not even hungry, but I keep snacking. So, of course, I started trying to figure out what's causing it.

On one hand, I think it's because I'm bored. For the second weekend in a row, I've basically locked myself in my house (except for going to the grocery store). I've done this because I felt like I needed peace and quiet and that it was the only way for me to really relax.

Today, though, I haven't felt very relaxed. Instead, I feel anxious. Yesterday, I did a very good job of putting everything out of my mind. I cleaned the house, read a book, cooked dinner and watched movies. My eye didn't twitch once yesterday. But today is a different story. The eye twitching has returned and I feel like I'm a bundle of nerves.

So my eating is clearly emotional. That really is the hardest part about losing weight. I eat for comfort. It's a terrible habit and I really don't know how to break it. Sure, the obvious answer is to find other means of dealing with my emotions. I'm trying, but it doesn't always work.

The good news, if there is any, is that all of my snacks haven't been too bad for me. I really don't keep "bad" food in the house. But even eating lots of lowfat snacks will cause me to gain weight. (And I'm this close to getting in the car and going to the store to buy Cheese Doodles.) Then I get stressed about it because I'm making a trip to Richmond next weekend, which inevitably means overdoing it. While I'm home, I'm planning a side trip to my mom's camper at the river. Again, I will certainly overeat.

It's a vicious cycle. I try to spend time alone so I can relax. But then I start to think too much and I get bored with myself, so I eat. Then I get stressed about how much I'm eating. Ugh!

Food, food, everywhere food

When I woke up this morning, I realized that now I'm even dreaming about food. Last night's dream wasn't really about food, but food was a big part of the dream. BTW, my dreams tend to be really boring and pretty easy to analyze. I'm going to share it anyway.

I was walking downtown, headed for lunch. I ran into two friends (one who no longer even lives in Wilmington) and decided to join them. They took me to this hole in the wall (which was really just someone's apartment). Although the people were from India, the food was all seafood. Anyway, they had all of the choices spread out on the table. I selected shrimp salad and a crabcake. The server also talked me into marinated beets and some sort of greens. While he was preparing my plate, I headed to the kitchen to talk to my friends. There were Bollywood dancers in the living room.For some reason, a lot of time elapsed. I headed back to the dining room and asked for my food to go. I paid and left.

OK. I warned you that my dream was pretty boring. What's interesting to me is that it involved food. I spend so much time thinking about food that I guess it's no surprise. I really do try to plan everything I'm going to eat and when I'm going to eat it. I've found that it helps me make the right choices. What's also interesting about the dream is that the two friends in it are at least partly responsible for getting me to be more social and try new things.

So if I was analyzing the dream, I'd say it was telling me that I'm feeling caught between the part of me that needs to plan everything in my life and have order all the time and the part of me that has come to like being more adventurous and spontaneous.

Weekly weigh-in: No one to blame but myself

Last week's weight: 185
This week's weight: 186
Difference: +1
Total weight lost: 85.8

When you eat a bagel with cream cheese, lots of s'mores, a giant burrito and lots of chips, you gain weight. I really shouldn't be surprised. I usually try not to be too hard on myself, but this week I'm mad. I was doing so well. It was a real struggle last weekend and early in the week, but I forced myself to make the right choices. By Wednesday morning, I'd lost a pound. But then I slipped. So to end the week having gained a pound is frustrating. I know what I need to do to lose weight. Why is it so hard to stop eating the foods that hinder those efforts? And, I'm all but certain now that I won't reach my goal of 90 pounds lost by July 1. I guess there's always a chance I'll lose 4.2 pounds in the next week, but that's not likely. It's just so disappointing because I really believed I could do it.

I know what's best for me

I wrote on Facebook earlier this week that I had reached my maximum stress tolerance level. Two days later, I experienced what I believe was a panic attack. I've only told two people about it and I really debated about whether I wanted anyone to know. Obviously, I've decided it's best to share what I'm feeling.

It happened Wednesday morning. I was getting ready for work, standing in front of the bathroom mirror putting on my makeup. As usual, I had lots of things running through my mind. Mornings are when I do my best thinking and problem-solving. Suddenly, I felt dizzy, sweaty, nauseous and I was having trouble breathing and my heart was pounding.

I didn't know what to think at first. I sat in the bed and tried to take a few deep breaths. About two minutes later, I was fine. It really seemed like it never happened. The rest of the day was normal. I got a little weirded out this morning because I wondered if it would happen again. But it didn't.

One of the people I told said he wasn't surprised at all. In fact, he said the surprise is that I've been keeping it together as well as I have. I'm starting to agree. Many of you already know that I've been dealing with several stressful events in the past three weeks. My dad passed away. My AC broke and I had to get a whole new one, which is costing a lot of money. I've been working extremely long days because of a big investigative story under way. And I had to rush one of my best friends to the doctor this week and now she's dealing with some serious health problems.

I'm stressed out! What's interesting, and the real point of this post, is that I know what I need to do to de-stress. I've managed to get through a lot of tough situations in my life. I know what works for me.

First, I need order. I need the things I can control to be under control. This always helps me deal better with the unexpected and the things I can't control.

Second, I need to stay busy in my downtime -- doing fun, lighthearted things. For example, I've made plans to see a really funny movie tomorrow night. I'm also thinking about something relaxing to do on Saturday and Sunday. Might even finally hook up the Wii again.

Finally, I need a break from it all. My brain is very good at compartmentalizing things. I took only three days off from work for my dad's funeral. I knew I was going to need more time, just not right then. Well, it's been almost a month. I need time now. I'm going to Richmond next weekend to visit my family and try to get some of my dad's affairs in order. But I'm thinking I will take a few days after that just for myself. (I still need approval from my boss, though.)

I don't know what I will do with those days, but mentally it feels like what I need. I might end up sitting at home. I might take a day trip. I might go somewhere for a couple of days. I might end up staying in Richmond with my family. It doesn't matter. There's something about knowing that I can use those days to do whatever I want that makes me feel better. I hope it works out because I truly believe that's what's best for me right now.

Thinking about my dad

I've spent quite a bit of time so far today (Father's Day) thinking about my dad. I had a lot of things in my head that I thought I wanted to say in this post, but when I sat down to start typing, I couldn't find the right words.

As you know, my dad passed away just a couple of weeks ago. I worried that today would be a sad one, but so far I've found that it's nice to take time to think about my dad. Honestly, I've been so busy with work lately that I haven't done that much. And when I have, my thoughts have been focused on handling his estate or my brother or my grandma.

Today, my thoughts are focused on what a good person my dad was. No, he wasn't perfect. But he did a lot of good things for a lot of people and I know they miss him. Plus, I know my dad would think it was ridiculous for me to waste any energy being sad. He would tell me not to worry about him and to live my life doing things that make me happy.

So that's my advice to everyone.

Weekly weigh-in: Slowly but surely

Last week's weight: 188.6
This week's weight: 185
Difference: 3.6
Total weight lost: 86.8

After a pretty dismal, but expected, result last week, I'm pleased to see the number on the scale be slightly lower than the final tally before my dad passed away. That 10-day period wasn't an easy time, so I wasn't too hard on myself. But I have tried to turn things around this week. I didn't eat as well as I should have, but I definitely kept my indulgences under control. I ate out twice, but I think I made pretty good choices. And, despite wanting gobs of ice cream and macaroni and cheese this week, I've managed to resist the temptation. I've given in a little with lowfat ice cream, but I've skipped the mac and cheese entirely.

Anyway, I'm not feeling particularly inspired by this week's loss. But I am glad to still be losing. That's really all I can ask for at this point. It is getting harder and harder. And I still need to lose 3.2 pounds over the next two weeks to meet my goal of 10 pounds lost by July 1. It won't be easy, but it's not impossible. I'm going to at least try.

Recipe: Pasta with shrimp and veggies

Ingredients
1/2 pound whole wheat pasta
1 pound medium shrimp, peeled and deveined
3 zucchini
3 yellow squash
1 package (8 oz.) sliced mushrooms (You can use whichever kind you like best. I used baby portabellos.)
1 can (15 oz.) petite diced tomatoes
1/2 cup water
1 teaspoon Trader Joe's 21 Seasonings
3 tablespoons Newman's Own Light Italian salad dressing
Salt, pepper to taste
4 tablespoons shredded parmesan cheese

Slice and chop zucchini and squash into half-moon pieces. Place into a resealable bag with mushrooms. Add 2 tablespoons of salad dressing. Marinate in refrigerator for at least an hour. Place shrimp in a separate bag with remaining dressing and marinate for at least an hour. Cook pasta according to package directions. Put vegetables in a large pan with water. Cover and steam until tender. Drain. Add shrimp and saute until shrimp are done. Add tomatoes and 21 Seasonings. Heat through. Add cooked pasta and salt and pepper to taste. Makes four servings. Top each serving with a tablespoon of parmesan cheese.

Recipe: Shepherd's Pie

Ingredients
1 pound 93% lean ground beef
1 large package frozen mixed vegetables (carrots, peas, green beans, corn)
2 cans (15 oz. each) petite diced tomatoes
2 teaspoons Trader Joe's 21 Seasonings (you can use any mix of spices. This is just what I like the best.)
Salt, pepper to taste
1 bag Betty Crocker instant mashed potatoes (I used the kind that said 80 calories per serving.)
4 slices reduced fat provolone cheese.

Make the mashed potatoes according to the package directions. Add ground beef and one teaspoon of seasoning to skillet and brown. Add tomatoes. Place frozen vegetables in large casserole dish. Add one teaspoon of seasoning. Mix in ground beef mixture. Add salt and pepper. Place six dollops of mashed potatoes on top of mixture. Divide cheese into six servings and put on top of potatoes. Cover and bake at 350 degrees until veggies are cooked. Remove cover and let cheese brown slightly. Makes six servings.

Weekly weigh-in: Tackling tumultuous times

Last week's weight: 185.8
This week's weight: 188.6
Difference:  +2.8
Total weight lost: 83.2

Clearly, it was a tough week, but I'm really not too concerned about gaining a little. As most of you know, my father passed away last week. In fact, I didn't officially weigh-in on Friday because I was out of town for his funeral. For last week's weight, I'm using what I weighed the last time I weighed before going out of town.

Anyway, under the circumstances, I'm not at all surprised to have gained. Although I tried not to overdo it, I did indulge. While I was with my family, the food choices were not very good for me. People brought so much stuff, including pastas, fried chicken, brownies, pastries, etc. And, yes, I ate some of just about everything.

What I'm proud of, though, is that during an extremely stressful and emotional time, I didn't ever overeat. For example, I ate a small brownie every day for four days. But I could have eaten the whole pan on the first day. I ate Chinese food, but I didn't get the worst items on the menu. You get the picture.

My less-than-stellar eating habits have continued throughout this week, but I'm OK with my choices. I've considered everything I've eaten and made the choice to eat it. I knew I might gain a little. So what? I think I have adopted a healthy lifestyle. Like just about anyone, I overeat during times of stress, but I don't eat to excess.

I truly believe I will be right back on track tomorrow. I gave myself a little leeway because I felt like that's what I needed to get through a difficult time in my life. But now it's time to regroup. And, the most interesting part is that while I like the taste of all the bad foods, they actually don't make me feel very good. The sugar makes me sluggish and irritable and the fried foods just sit in my stomach like an icky blob.

I believe that getting through the past 10 days without simply stuffing my face every day is a sign that I have made changes that will last me a lifetime. And, for that, I'm thankful and happy.