Name that mood

My iPod died about two-thirds of the way through my walk tonight, so I spent the last third trying to determine what my playlist says about my current state of mind. Trust me, the music I'm listening to always says something about where my head is at the moment. Anyone want to try to interpret for me?

Here's the list: (and I'll make it easier by including a favorite line or two from each)

1. "I Would Die 4 U" by Prince -- "I am something that you'd never comprehend."

2. "Could Have Been a Song" by Pat McGee -- "I could have sung about tomorrow but I couldn't find today."

3. "Goodbye Earl" by the Dixie Chicks -- "It didn't take 'em long to decide that Earl had to die."

4. "Gunpowder & Lead" by Miranda Lambert -- "He wants a fight, well now he's got one
And he ain't seen me crazy yet."

5. "I Am A Rock" by Simon & Garfunkel -- "I've built walls"/"And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries."

6. "I Don't Think I Know Me" by Eddie From Ohio -- "I've always tried too lead a responsible kind of life"/"I don't think I know me as well as I thought I did."

I'm also wondering what other songs I might have chosen had my iPod not died. My best guess is that my walk would have included at least four more -- "Into the Mystic" by Van Morrison, "No One" by Alicia Keys, "A Pirate Looks at Forty" by Jimmy Buffett and "The Wing and the Wheel" by Nanci Griffith.

Feeling better

After a few days of being in a funk, I think my good mood and positive attitude have returned. Today was the first day in about a week that I've felt really good -- mentally. Physically, I feel great every day now. It's amazing how much better you'll feel after you lose more than 60 pounds. Duh!

Anyway, I've been down in the dumps. Nothing specific, just not as upbeat as I had been. I've been fighting against it, though. I spent all day Sunday watching movies, relaxing, thinking -- simply trying to refocus my brain on the good stuff. I had a major setback Monday, but today things seem to be turning around. Of course, things haven't been perfect, but I'm back to a mindset that allows me to deal with the unexpected in a positive manner.

I feel truly fantastic today. And a funny thing happened at work -- I was put on the spot about what my career aspirations might be. In the past, this would have really thrown me and made me feel awkward. But I feel confident about my response. I also got a good laugh when a colleague included me on an e-mail about participating in a 5K in downtown later this month. I don't think I'm going to do it because I'm not quite there, but it is nice when someone else recognizes that I'm trying.

Once again, as I lose weight, I'm discovering that it's affecting my outlook and thought process far more than I ever expected. Losing weight is showing me that I really can achieve anything I set my mind to. I've also been reminded in the past few days that maintaining personal relationships with people isn't always easy. It is about give and take. And it's something I know I need to work. I'm trying. Don't give up on me.

Weekly weigh-in ... amended

So I'm not actually going to change the number on my tracking chart, but I am baffled at what I saw on the scale this morning. When I officially weighed in yesterday morning, I had lost a half pound in the past week. This morning, the scale says I weigh FOUR pounds less than yesterday.

That's just not possible. As you know, I'm pretty realistic. I expect a pound or two difference from day to day. But FOUR pounds! I don't know what to think. Of course, I'd like to think that today's number is the most accurate. But who knows.

So my mood is a little better today, but I'm still not feeling quite as perky as I had been. I don't know what's going on. I'm hoping it's just a blip and fun Sherry will return at any moment ... especially since I have a party to attend this evening.

Weekly weigh-in: Not good enough

I've had a good run of days (and even weeks) filled with positive energy, so I suppose it had to come to an end at some point. There have been a few positive blips this week, but mostly it's been full of pessimism and negative thinking.

I feel like nothing I do is good enough. I try so hard. I know I set impossible standards for myself and others, and inevitably I'm disappointed when we don't meet them. This week's weigh-in is just another example. I lost a half pound this week. I should be happy about that, but it doesn't feel good enough.

I also know that the way I feel right now has nothing to do with the weigh-in. It's been an emotionally draining week. Yes, there have been highs and lows. I've been working on not letting the lows get to me, but it's not easy, especially when I expect things to turn out a certain way and they don't.

It's funny, though, because I started the week off knowing that it was going to be stressful. I took on too much at one time. Then, throw in the unpredictable nature of the news business and it's all been a bit overwhelming.

I did think that the weigh-in would be better. With the exception of getting off track a little last weekend, I've been following the plan. I even started walking again this week. I should feel great. So why am I back to my old way of thinking? You know, the way that makes me not want to leave the house because I don't think I can be around people.

I wish I could end on a positive note. I just don't have it in me this morning.

What I like about you

While I was walking this morning, I spent almost the whole time thinking about my most favorite people and what I like about them. It was an interesting list, so here goes.

1. Sarcastic. You have to be able to dish it and take it. I've pretty much been a smartass my whole life, so I really appreciate that quality in others. Nothing makes me smile more than a good comeback given or received.

2. Quirky. We've all got our issues and eccentricities. I think those are the traits that make us interesting.

3. Self-aware. My favorite people definitely know who they are and are aware of their faults.

4. Competitive. Some people can be a little too extreme, but competition definitely makes things more fun. And, yes, I do try to understand that I can't always win. But it sure is fun trying.

5. Loyal. I've never met anyone who isn't judgmental in some way, but I also know a lot of people who are accepting of others. We all make stupid choices sometimes, but I think it's important to try to understand why people do what they do. And true friends support you no matter what.

What traits do you value most in your friends?

Weekly weigh-in: Success!

I woke up this morning feeling like I'd been run over by a train while I was sleeping. Head hurt. Muscles ached. A little blue. I wanted to stay under the covers all day. But it's a good thing I didn't.

This morning's weigh-in went better than expected -- three pounds lost this week. That brings me to a total of 61 pounds. As I noted previously, this week has been an interesting challenge -- one that made me think I have truly changed my habits and I won't ever slip back into my old way of doing things.

I'm trying to focus on those three pounds lost, but I'm feeling restless and uneasy today. No specific reason, which is probably what concerns me most. Maybe it's just the dreary weather. Or maybe it's that my head still hurts and my muscles still ache. Brain feels like mush and I have so much to do.

Tested by distractions

I can't believe I haven't blogged since last week. It's mostly because I've been so distracted with all sorts of things. Let's just say life has gotten in the way of my blogging. Luckily, though, it has not gotten in the way of my eating habits.

The past five days have been a real test of whether I can maintain my new lifestyle because I have barely spent a minute thinking about food and losing weight. For so long, it's been on the top of my mind. As I've said before, I was even starting to think I might be a little obsessed with it. I worried that if I didn't plan every meal, restaurant outing, etc. that I would get off track. But this week has been different. I've had so many other things distracting my brain. And I've still made good choices. Clearly, eating better is just a way of life for me now.

I also took what I consider to be another big step in my journey -- I wore a dress, and it was short and sleeveless. I've mentioned before that showing my arms and legs feels so strange because I've hidden them for so long. But the dress (which is new) was so cute and comfortable. It made me feel so good about myself.

Finally, one other positive note (I think) ... I committed to a friend that if we both lose 50 pounds, we will take a cruise next year. A cruise does sound like a lot of fun, but the thought of what it's going to take for me to lose 50 more pounds is daunting. Plus, I've resisted setting a final goal because smaller goals have worked well for me. But I have to admit that 50 more pounds would basically put me exactly where I want to be. It's scary, but the challenge is out there now. There's no turning back.

Weekly weigh-in: Feeling a little better

So the number on the scale didn't drop as much as I would have liked this week, but I did lose weight. Thank goodness. After last week's slight gain, I was feeling so frustrated. But I actually lost 1.4 pounds this, bringing me to a total of 58 pounds since the beginning of the year. I am happy about that.

One setback this week, though, is that I've stopped my daily walking. My foot/ankle has been hurting since Monday. My last walk was Tuesday morning. I'm hoping to feel better by tomorrow, so I can walk The Loop at Wrightsville Beach again. After two weeks of doing it on Saturday morning, I can't imagine a better way to start the day.

Frustrated, but still moving forward

This might sound like I'm whining at this point, but I simply don't understand why I've stopped losing weight. Last week, I gained a half pound. Now, this week so far I'm up another half pound. What's going on?

Almost every week since January, I've lost weight. And the few where I didn't seemed to be anomalies. If I gained or stayed the same one week, the next week went really well. So why isn't that happening this time?

I tried not to freak out last week. But now it's really frustrating. With all the walking I'm doing, I feel like I should be losing. I'm staying within my allotted Weight Watchers points every day, so I'm baffled. It's not a good feeling.

It's even more frustrating because I feel great. All the walking has made me feel stronger and more committed than ever to leading a healthier lifestyle. The way I eat now is habit. And walking is almost habit.

But it can't be coincidence that my weight gain over the past two weeks has occurred when I started walking. Maybe I'm building muscle, which would be great. But, mentally, I'm not sure it's worth it. I need to see the number on the scale going down.

On a more positive note, I am still changing in other ways. This might seem trivial to some, but I've worn a skirt (knee-length, at that) to work for two days in a row. That's a huge step for me. Eight to 10 years ago, I wore skirts nearly every day. Of course, I never wanted to admit it before, but I stopped because they no longer fit. Now, they all do. It felt great to wear them. Oh, and I've been wearing sleeveless shirts. Showing my arms and legs is major progress.

Once again, I feel like the real me is emerging.

Clearing my mind

I've decided to re-adopt an old habit -- listening to music. I used to sit for hours and play my favorite CDs. The songs I chose depended on my mood. But it was always a good way for me to clear my mind or to at least be focused in my thinking.

So I'm picking up the habit again starting today. I've already listened to John Coltrane's "A Love Supreme" and several Bonnie Raitt songs. My mood this afternoon is pensive ... in a good way. I stated in a recent post that I like to dream about the future. That's what I've been doing. (I'm only taking a break because I had to do something for work. I figured I'd write this post while I had the computer on.) It's funny that both artists remind me of specific times in my past, yet they somehow make me want to look forward. Interesting.

My work is done, so I'm about to turn the stereo back on. I wonder what CD I should listen to next. Leading candidates are the Pulp Fiction soundtrack, Nanci Griffith or Van Morrison. What kind of music do you like to listen to when you're in the mood to think about the future?

Weekly weigh-in and a day of rest

This morning's weigh-in was disappointing. I gained a half a pound this week. How is that possible? Isn't physical activity supposed to help me lose weight? I walked six mornings in a row. I didn't eat or drink anything out of the ordinary this week. So I'm baffled. And frustrated.

Even before I got on the scale this morning, I had decided I needed a day of rest. No walking. Physically, I felt up to it. But mentally, I just couldn't make myself get out of the bed. I'm still hoping to tackle The Loop at Wrightsville Beach again tomorrow morning, though.

I'm going to try not to dwell on my weight gain this week because I should be happy that this is only the third time in the past seven months that I've gained weight during a given week. I know it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. And I'm sure I'll lose weight next week.

Flirting with the fine line between determination and obsession

I've noticed this week that I've become focused on certain things. As it relates to this blog, walking is one of those things. But there are others at work (and my colleagues will know exactly what I'm talking about).

On one hand, I feel like I'm determined. With walking, for example, I'm determined to make physical activity a regular part of my life. I've been going every morning since last Saturday. It isn't always easy, but every step I take makes me feel stronger and healthier. On the other hand, though, I'm wondering if I've become a bit obsessed. I think about it all the time, especially what songs I will listen to and how far I will walk.

I bring this up mostly because I'm noticing the same pattern with things at work. There are only a handful total, but I seem more focused and determined than ever before.

Ultimately, I'm wondering if all of this is about control. There are so many things happening in my life that I can't control that obsessing about those I can gives me purpose. I guess, for now, I'll try to force myself to think about my choices and to personally monitor my "obsessions."

I'm addicted

I know some people are probably getting tired of hearing me talk about it, but I can't believe how much I love walking each morning. After just four days, I find that I'm looking forward to it. I can't wait until tomorrow morning.

This morning's walk was a struggle. I really didn't want to get out of bed early. I had a feeling it wasn't going to be a good day. I don't know why. Just something in my brain made me want to just stay in bed all day. But I forced myself to get up and head out about 6:30 a.m. Once I got started, I felt great. For the first time, I had my iPod. I loved choosing a few of my favorite songs (including those from Zac Brown Band, Miranda Lambert, Van Morrison, Jimmy Buffett and the Grateful Dead) to get my day started. I made it two times around my neighborhood, which is 1.2 miles.

I was proud of myself for doing it. I resisted the urge to do nothing. A few short months ago that urge would have gotten the better of me. But my positive outlook didn't last. From the moment I got to work until the time I left, so many little things were pushing my buttons. I've been working on not letting those things get to me. In fact, rolling with the punches is a big part of my plan to achieve a happier mindset. It's been working for the past week or so. Today was too much. And I hate when I let things get me off balance.

Now that I've had a couple of hours to reflect on the day, I feel silly for getting overwhelmed. There was nothing about today that should have thrown me off my game. More importantly, I find myself thinking about tomorrow's walk and the songs I want to listen to. I think I'm addicted to walking because it gives me an escape. When I'm doing it, I don't think about anything. When I'm not doing it, I think about doing it. This just might be the distraction my brain needs ... oh, and it's really good for me.

I'm starving!

Is it possible that adding a bit of walking to my daily routine is making me hungry?

I've been starving all day today and I've actually eaten the same amount during the day that I had been. As of Saturday, I've become a walker. I walked 2.45 miles Saturday, six-tenths of a mile Sunday and 1.2 miles this morning. That doesn't seem like that much, so why am I so hungry?

In seven months of following Weight Watchers, I can't recall a day where I was this hungry. I don't want to increase my food intake because the point is to lose weight. So I'm giving it another day. If I'm still starving tomorrow, I'm going to rethink when I eat. For example, it's possible that I just need to eat more earlier in the day. Or maybe I just need to eat something different, more filling, earlier in the day.

Any suggestions?

Discovering the real me

You are the change you want.

I've been thinking about this since 3:30 a.m. Sunday, July 25 when it was being drilled into my head. My friend and I were talking about all the changes going on in our lives and how they are scary yet exciting. He was really trying to convince me to own the changes in my life and accept that I am responsible for those changes. I'm not sure now why, but I wasn't able to do it. I feel like so many changes are out of my control.

But his point is a good one. Ultimately, we do control our own destinies. I'm fond of saying, "Everything you do, you do to make yourself happy," which is right in line with what my friend was saying.

So for the past week, I've tried to live by what my friend said. If I want to make changes in my life, then I am the only one who can do it. As a result, I had a great week. Sure, it had it's usual ups and downs. But my outlook was different. I've felt better every day in the past week than any other time I can remember. And I've done things in the past week that I never would have done before. Of course, I must point out that support from others has been truly amazing. It definitely helps keep me motivated and, honestly, just makes me feel good.

I feel like I'm changing who I am. I'm definitely not the same person I was six months ago. Sure, my physical appearance is changing pretty drastically, but the change I'm talking about is the person on the inside. At first, I thought I was becoming a whole new me -- someone I didn't recognize and someone who did things I would never do. Then, I thought back to 15 or so years ago and realized that the new me is an awfully lot like the person I was back then.

Now, I feel like I'm discovering the real me and I like that person. The real me likes to have fun and take risks. The real me is loyal to my friends ... even when they're wrong. The real me is ambitious and not afraid of change. The real me loves to read poetry and books that inspire the thinker inside my head. The real me is direct and confident (but I hope not arrogant). And the real me dreams about the future.