As I was eating a cookie yesterday, a friend asked if I was trying to sabotage myself. In her defense, I did eat two cookies and a Neiman Marcus bar for lunch yesterday. We had a bake sale at work to benefit the United Way. For some reason, I couldn't stop myself. But it got me thinking.
I blogged yesterday about how surprised I was that I'd lost weight this week. My eating habits weren't good. It seems like every day I found an excuse to eat something that wasn't good for me. Food is an addiction. And I'm starting to worry that I've gotten off track and I can't get back on. I swore that after yesterday's decadent desserts I would be done with my splurges. But then today I got Chinese for lunch. What was I thinking? Why can't I stop myself?
Maybe it all still has something to do with what I see when I look in the mirror. I know it's completely absurd, but I don't feel like I look any different. My focus has been on how I look today because I got a new haircut. I love it, but I see the same face I've always seen. Even fitting into a pair of shorts in a size I haven't worn since 9th grade hasn't made a difference. What's it going to take for my self image to change?
The other thing is that I feel more self-conscious now than I did before. In the past, I think I assumed people weren't looking at me. Now, I feel like people are always looking at me. I've never liked being the center of attention, but losing 66 pounds tends to get noticed ... by a lot of people. Don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled by the support I've gotten and all of the positive comments. They make me feel great and motivate me to keep going. But there's always going to be this little voice in my head that says things like "they're just trying to be nice" and "they don't really mean what they're saying."
Finally, I find it funny that I've spent so much mental energy today thinking about my self-image because I woke up feeling on top of the world. For weeks, I've felt like I was living in a fog. I couldn't focus. I couldn't make the progress I felt like I needed to make. Today was different. I felt like I had let go of the drama and craziness that had been swirling around in my head. I was thinking clearly. I knew what direction I wanted to take and I resolved to do it.
That brings me back to my original point. Am I trying to sabotage my weight loss, success, happiness? And what will it take for me to truly embrace the good things?
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I can say that last time I saw you, I didn't recognize you. I had to ask my husband who you were, and when he told me, I felt bad because I should be able to recognize you. That's how different you look. People aren't looking at you to be nice; they are admiring your hard work.
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