I've been thinking for a couple of months that I wanted to start a Bucket List ... you know, stuff I want to do before I die. Thinking about dying seems kind of ominous, so I'm going to focus on things I want to do before I turn 40. I'm 37 and 7 months now, so that gives me almost 2 1/2 years. I'm going into this realizing that I may not accomplish everything on the list, but I hope I at least do some of the things. Part of the challenge will be to not do any of them by myself (well, unless they are clearly things you would normally do solo). As you know, I've spent a lot of time this year working on my personal relationships. Achieving these milestones with my friends will be fun and a good test of whether I really have changed.
So here's my list. I'll keep adding to it over time and, of course, let you know when I mark something off.
1. Visit Italy. I don't know where exactly I want to go, but I want to see vineyards and drink wine and look at beautiful architecture.
2. Skydiving. I think I've only told one person ever that I want to do this and that was just a week ago. I've thought about it for years and I think it would be the most fun.
3. Take a hot air balloon ride. Ever since watching the Wizard of Oz as a kid, I've wanted to do this. It just seems cool. Of course, there'd need to be champagne and a picnic.
4. Run a 5K. I'm pretty sure I'm going to walk one soon. But I want to run. I'm not even close to that yet, but I'll get there eventually.
5. See the Grand Canyon. No special reason. Just something I've always wanted to do. And I want to listen to Eddie From Ohio's "Under David's Feet" while looking at it. (Of course, this song could also have something to do with my desire to visit Italy.)
6. Own a red Mustang convertible. I've owned two red Mustangs previously, but I've always wanted a convertible. And it has to be cherry red. (BTW, I drive a burgundy Ford Escape right now.) This seems unlikely since I'll still be paying for my current car, but you never know.
7. Highlight my hair. Sounds silly, right? I've thought about it for years. Just too chicken to actually do it. But the gray is really starting to show. It's probably time.
8. Sing karaoke. Don't laugh. I actually love to sing. I just don't do it in front of other people because I think I'm terrible at it. Doesn't matter anymore. I want to be able to say I've done it.
9. Plant a garden. I'll probably have to start small, a few herbs or something. But I sure would love to grow something in my yard and then eat it.
10. Paint my walls. If I'm still living in my current house, the walls need to be painted. I've lived here 7 1/2 years and they are all still white. I'd give anything for some color. But I have no idea what I'm doing, so I need someone to help me.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Saturday, November 27, 2010
The music of my life
As you know by now, I don't just talk about losing weight on this blog. It's simply become a way for me to express myself, which often means I don't end up with the thoughts going around and around in my head. And regular readers know that I talk about music a lot. It's been a big part of my life since I can remember. In fact, there are probably hundreds of songs that trigger specific memories -- some good, some not. For example, one night a couple of years ago, I heard Billy Joel's "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant" in a bar and almost started crying. Seriously.
My earliest memory involving music had to be when I was about 4 years old. I don't remember the specifics, but I do remember listening to Chubby Checker's "The Twist" and Elvis Presley's "Hound Dog." I still love both of those songs.
Over the years, music became a bigger and bigger part of my life. I think it was mostly because my mom sold advertising for radio stations during my formative years. The two stations I remember most played country and classic rock, so naturally that's what we listened to most of the time. I loved Alabama, George Jones, the Oak Ridge Boys, Kenny Rogers, Dolly Parton, Loretta Lynn, etc.
As I grew into my pre-teen and teen years, I liked all of the popular artists and bands. I can still remember how excited I was the Christmas I got a stereo and albums by Madonna and Bruce Springsteen. Oh, and let's not forget about Prince. I'm pretty sure I was listening to "Let's Go Crazy" when I spilled purple nail polish on my bedspread.
Then high school came along and I really tried a bunch of different styles. Yes, I can admit it ... I loved Poison. One time I begged my mother to take me to see them in concert. I think I even agreed to clean the house for a year without complaining. (She didn't take me.) Beyond the hair bands, I did have a heavy metal phase. But it was short-lived.
It was about this time that I knew my musical tastes were pretty varied. The summer before 10th grade, I went with my mom and stepdad to see Robert Plant in concert. I played the CD over and over for weeks. Oddly enough, I barely knew who Led Zeppelin was at the time. The opening act was Cheap Trick, which also became a favorite. That same summer, I saw INXS in concert. I think I still know every word to "Never Tear Us Apart." The opening act was Ziggy Marley, which then led me to Bob Marley.
Then, in 10th grade, I discovered REM. Even though I don't listen to them that often anymore, I will probably forever consider them my all-time favorite band. My closest friends didn't listen to them, so I made new friends. Those relationships didn't last long, but my love for this music did.
By the time I got to college, I liked a little bit of everything. There was a time when I carried about a dozen CDs in my backpack so we could play them while putting out the student newspaper. I don't remember all of the CDs, but I know the stack included Dave Matthews, Tom Petty, Neil Young, The Cranberries, Live, Paul Simon, Billy Joel and Van Morrison. (Maybe one day I'll write about which song from each group had the greatest impact on my life. For example, "Ants Marching" was always one of my favorite Dave Matthews songs because a friend played it on his guitar for me on my 22nd birthday. Truth is, I never liked the song that much, but I'll never forget that birthday.)
For the record, I had a grunge rock phase during college. I still love Pearl Jam, but at the risk of being shunned, I'll admit that I never loved Nirvana. It was during this time, about midway through college, that I was introduced to Neil Young. That same friend turned me on to Nanci Griffith, whose songs I find to be inspirational, comforting and only occasionally depressing. But that did begin my love of folk music.
Toward the end of college, a whole new world opened up to me -- local music. A friend was a big fan of a local singer -- a guy with his guitar. He played at the bar where this friend was a bartender. Turns out, the guy was starting a band right about that time. After seeing dozens of solo and group performances, I will forever be a big fan of the Pat McGee Band. (They tried to make it big, but have since disbanded. I hear Pat's still out there playing on his own, though.) Pat, I can call him that because at the time I did actually know him, and my bartender friend were friends with another band, Eddie From Ohio. They're basically a folk band from Virginia, my home. Well, if you follow this blog, you know I still listen to EFO almost every time I walk/run. (If you like folk music with a twist, let me know and I'll burn you a CD of my favorite songs. I highly recommend them.)
So it's been almost 15 years since college. Until recently, I hadn't found a single musical influence that would have the same effect as the others. That brings me to today. Since June, I've been listening to Zac Brown Band almost nonstop. I mix it up every now and then, but not much. I have both of the band's CDs and there isn't a song I don't like. Sure I have my favorites, but they are all good. I guess that's what has me thinking about how music is such a big part of my life. Every song has meaning. If it doesn't, I don't listen.
Finally, I was thinking about my all-time favorite artists/bands and found it difficult to narrow the list. So I figured counting how many CDs I own by a particular artist would surely be a sign. Here are the top 5 followed by the number of CDs I own by each: REM (8), Nanci Griffith (8), Eddie From Ohio (7), Neil Young (7) and Van Morrison (5). The only one on the list that surprises me a little is Van Morrison. I would have thought the Grateful Dead or U2 or Dave Matthews or Billy Joel might have been on the list, but I only own three or four CDs from each of them. Are you surprised by anyone on my list of favorites?
My earliest memory involving music had to be when I was about 4 years old. I don't remember the specifics, but I do remember listening to Chubby Checker's "The Twist" and Elvis Presley's "Hound Dog." I still love both of those songs.
Over the years, music became a bigger and bigger part of my life. I think it was mostly because my mom sold advertising for radio stations during my formative years. The two stations I remember most played country and classic rock, so naturally that's what we listened to most of the time. I loved Alabama, George Jones, the Oak Ridge Boys, Kenny Rogers, Dolly Parton, Loretta Lynn, etc.
As I grew into my pre-teen and teen years, I liked all of the popular artists and bands. I can still remember how excited I was the Christmas I got a stereo and albums by Madonna and Bruce Springsteen. Oh, and let's not forget about Prince. I'm pretty sure I was listening to "Let's Go Crazy" when I spilled purple nail polish on my bedspread.
Then high school came along and I really tried a bunch of different styles. Yes, I can admit it ... I loved Poison. One time I begged my mother to take me to see them in concert. I think I even agreed to clean the house for a year without complaining. (She didn't take me.) Beyond the hair bands, I did have a heavy metal phase. But it was short-lived.
It was about this time that I knew my musical tastes were pretty varied. The summer before 10th grade, I went with my mom and stepdad to see Robert Plant in concert. I played the CD over and over for weeks. Oddly enough, I barely knew who Led Zeppelin was at the time. The opening act was Cheap Trick, which also became a favorite. That same summer, I saw INXS in concert. I think I still know every word to "Never Tear Us Apart." The opening act was Ziggy Marley, which then led me to Bob Marley.
Then, in 10th grade, I discovered REM. Even though I don't listen to them that often anymore, I will probably forever consider them my all-time favorite band. My closest friends didn't listen to them, so I made new friends. Those relationships didn't last long, but my love for this music did.
By the time I got to college, I liked a little bit of everything. There was a time when I carried about a dozen CDs in my backpack so we could play them while putting out the student newspaper. I don't remember all of the CDs, but I know the stack included Dave Matthews, Tom Petty, Neil Young, The Cranberries, Live, Paul Simon, Billy Joel and Van Morrison. (Maybe one day I'll write about which song from each group had the greatest impact on my life. For example, "Ants Marching" was always one of my favorite Dave Matthews songs because a friend played it on his guitar for me on my 22nd birthday. Truth is, I never liked the song that much, but I'll never forget that birthday.)
For the record, I had a grunge rock phase during college. I still love Pearl Jam, but at the risk of being shunned, I'll admit that I never loved Nirvana. It was during this time, about midway through college, that I was introduced to Neil Young. That same friend turned me on to Nanci Griffith, whose songs I find to be inspirational, comforting and only occasionally depressing. But that did begin my love of folk music.
Toward the end of college, a whole new world opened up to me -- local music. A friend was a big fan of a local singer -- a guy with his guitar. He played at the bar where this friend was a bartender. Turns out, the guy was starting a band right about that time. After seeing dozens of solo and group performances, I will forever be a big fan of the Pat McGee Band. (They tried to make it big, but have since disbanded. I hear Pat's still out there playing on his own, though.) Pat, I can call him that because at the time I did actually know him, and my bartender friend were friends with another band, Eddie From Ohio. They're basically a folk band from Virginia, my home. Well, if you follow this blog, you know I still listen to EFO almost every time I walk/run. (If you like folk music with a twist, let me know and I'll burn you a CD of my favorite songs. I highly recommend them.)
So it's been almost 15 years since college. Until recently, I hadn't found a single musical influence that would have the same effect as the others. That brings me to today. Since June, I've been listening to Zac Brown Band almost nonstop. I mix it up every now and then, but not much. I have both of the band's CDs and there isn't a song I don't like. Sure I have my favorites, but they are all good. I guess that's what has me thinking about how music is such a big part of my life. Every song has meaning. If it doesn't, I don't listen.
Finally, I was thinking about my all-time favorite artists/bands and found it difficult to narrow the list. So I figured counting how many CDs I own by a particular artist would surely be a sign. Here are the top 5 followed by the number of CDs I own by each: REM (8), Nanci Griffith (8), Eddie From Ohio (7), Neil Young (7) and Van Morrison (5). The only one on the list that surprises me a little is Van Morrison. I would have thought the Grateful Dead or U2 or Dave Matthews or Billy Joel might have been on the list, but I only own three or four CDs from each of them. Are you surprised by anyone on my list of favorites?
Friday, November 26, 2010
Weekly weigh-in: It could have been so much worse
So I've been droning on all week about how my eating and drinking habits haven't been so good lately. With Thanksgiving this week as well, I was prepared when I stepped on the scale this morning. Yes, I gained. But only 1.2 pounds. Honestly, under the circumstances, I can live with that. I hate that I let things get out of control recently, but I think I'm back on track. Of course I splurged yesterday, but I didn't actually go crazy. That made me feel good. It made me think I can get back on track. So I'm starting fresh today. My total weight loss since January stands at 75.2 pounds. I'm making a new, small goal -- reach 80 pounds lost by Dec. 31. That's five weeks, which means less than a pound a week. I know I can do it!!!
Thursday, November 25, 2010
A day of firsts
I started the day reflecting on what I'm thankful for this year. Something I didn't exactly put on the list, but is true, is that I'm thankful I do things out of the ordinary now. I know I say this all the time, but I am a different person compared to a year ago. And today was filled with lots of little things that prove just how different I am.
- I had Thanksgiving dinner (which was actually an oyster roast and there was no turkey) at the home of people I had never met before today. It was a friend's 40th birthday and on a whim she invited me. I felt really uncomfortable at first, but once I was committed, I decided to just go with it. The hosts turned out to be the nicest people and this turned out to be a seriously fun Thanksgiving.
- I ate oysters. Before today, the last time I ate an oyster was in college and it involved tequila shots and a dare. My mom used to make me eat oysters growing up and I hated them. I went to today's shindig thinking I wouldn't eat them. But shortly before I got there, something in my head told me that I had to try one. This whole year has been about trying new things. I ended up eating about a half dozen. It was fun shucking them and the rosemary butter was to die for ... but I also tried the garlic butter and the hot sauce.
- I tasted 10 pies at one time. Part of the plan for the dinner was to have a pie bake-off, so lots of people made pies. I tasted every one ... and liked them all. Normally, I would not have eaten most of them ... but I was in the mood to branch out.
- I made a pie. I never did that before. It was chocolate and almond. I think people liked it. I sure did
- I tried homemade dandelion wine. It was pretty potent and it didn't smell so good. But it didn't taste too bad. Still, it probably wouldn't be my first choice. The important part is that I tried it.
What I'm thankful for
I can honestly say that I don't ever remember making a list of things I'm thankful for. I don't know why exactly, but it probably has something to do with not appreciating the good things in my life. Until this year, I've allowed the negative to take center stage. For regular readers, though, you know that I'm different now. I've spent this year working on myself ... in a lot of ways. Of course, there are many things I'm thankful for this year, but here are my top five.
1. I'm thankful for my weight loss. I've lost about 75 pounds since January, and I'm probably the healthiest I've been in my whole life. I am thankful for having the strength to finally take control of my eating habits and pursue this journey. But I'm more thankful for the people who have supported me along the way. Without constant encouragement, I don't think I would have made it.
2. I'm thankful for my friends -- new and old. My weight loss journey has spawned another journey -- one that has me working to develop personal relationships with people. It's not easy for me, but it is quite rewarding. So I say thank you to my old friends who've accepted the changes I'm making in my life and thank you to all those new people who've accepted me into their lives. You all constantly prop me up and make me a better person.
3. I'm thankful for my family. Although I don't see them often, I know they are always there. It's been a year of ups and downs for many of my family members, but, like so many others, they've been there to support me in my efforts this past year.
4. I'm thankful I have a job I love. I love what I do and it makes me happy. I am fulfilled by what I do. And I'm thankful I work with such a great group of people.
5. I'm thankful I'm a happier person. This past year has taught me that I'm capable of a lot more than I ever gave myself credit for. It's also taught me that I have two choices about how I approach life. I'd like to think that I choose to be happy. Even when I'm facing setbacks or obstacles, most of the time I can step back and think about what's good in my life. It's hard to explain, but the inside of my brain actually feels different compared to a year ago.
So I'm ultimately thankful to be enjoying my life. I feel like I'm on the right path and exactly where I'm supposed to be.
1. I'm thankful for my weight loss. I've lost about 75 pounds since January, and I'm probably the healthiest I've been in my whole life. I am thankful for having the strength to finally take control of my eating habits and pursue this journey. But I'm more thankful for the people who have supported me along the way. Without constant encouragement, I don't think I would have made it.
2. I'm thankful for my friends -- new and old. My weight loss journey has spawned another journey -- one that has me working to develop personal relationships with people. It's not easy for me, but it is quite rewarding. So I say thank you to my old friends who've accepted the changes I'm making in my life and thank you to all those new people who've accepted me into their lives. You all constantly prop me up and make me a better person.
3. I'm thankful for my family. Although I don't see them often, I know they are always there. It's been a year of ups and downs for many of my family members, but, like so many others, they've been there to support me in my efforts this past year.
4. I'm thankful I have a job I love. I love what I do and it makes me happy. I am fulfilled by what I do. And I'm thankful I work with such a great group of people.
5. I'm thankful I'm a happier person. This past year has taught me that I'm capable of a lot more than I ever gave myself credit for. It's also taught me that I have two choices about how I approach life. I'd like to think that I choose to be happy. Even when I'm facing setbacks or obstacles, most of the time I can step back and think about what's good in my life. It's hard to explain, but the inside of my brain actually feels different compared to a year ago.
So I'm ultimately thankful to be enjoying my life. I feel like I'm on the right path and exactly where I'm supposed to be.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
I'm being tested!
After today, it is abundantly clear that I have done something to mess up my karma. I'm starting to wonder how much stress I can take before I actually crack and eat everything in sight. There are so many things adding up and the result is that I'm not handling them well.
My eating habits have gradually over the past couple of weeks gotten worse. Now, I'm paying for it. I've gained 5 pounds since Friday. Scientifically speaking, I probably haven't really gained 5 pounds. There are any number of reasons for seeing a higher number on the scale. But this is a good time for me to reassess where I am and the fact that I seem pretty close to being out of control again.
Eating is an emotional response. I can feel the stress seeping into the part of my brain that has kept me on track with my weight loss all these months. And I don't know how to stop it. I think every day that I'm going to do better, but then something happens and I eat poorly. The problem is that I'm just not making the right choices. Early in this journey, even when I was overwhelmed or things felt out of control, I chose wisely.
I guess my hope is that this is a phase -- that I'll snap out of it soon. But what if I don't. I keep thinking that something's going to happen to help me get back to where I was. I want to make the smart choices. I want the irrational voice in my head to go away.
My eating habits have gradually over the past couple of weeks gotten worse. Now, I'm paying for it. I've gained 5 pounds since Friday. Scientifically speaking, I probably haven't really gained 5 pounds. There are any number of reasons for seeing a higher number on the scale. But this is a good time for me to reassess where I am and the fact that I seem pretty close to being out of control again.
Eating is an emotional response. I can feel the stress seeping into the part of my brain that has kept me on track with my weight loss all these months. And I don't know how to stop it. I think every day that I'm going to do better, but then something happens and I eat poorly. The problem is that I'm just not making the right choices. Early in this journey, even when I was overwhelmed or things felt out of control, I chose wisely.
I guess my hope is that this is a phase -- that I'll snap out of it soon. But what if I don't. I keep thinking that something's going to happen to help me get back to where I was. I want to make the smart choices. I want the irrational voice in my head to go away.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
A happy day
I started my day thinking I might spend it in my pajamas in bed. After two cups of coffee and about an hour of thinking, I knew I had to take control. I added two Bonnie Raitt CDs to my iPod and headed for The Loop. Thanks to the gorgeous weather and good music, I walked two laps. For those who don't remember, that's almost 5 miles. I felt great and loved being outside. And having the time to think and get my head together was just what I needed. Little did I know that I'd end up back at the beach a couple of hours later. My point: I started the day having trouble getting out of bed, but once I did, I couldn't sit still. And the day ended up much better than I thought.
One thing I realized today is that I had stopped making my list of things that made me happy each day. I knew I wouldn't blog about it forever but I was still making a note in my head each night. I don't know why I stopped, but I do think that's when things really started getting off track. So here's my list of five things that made me happy today.
1. I walked almost 8 miles today. I did The Loop twice this morning and then later in the day I walked from Johnnie Mercers Pier to Shell Island and back. I still want to incorporate running into my physical activity, but, for now, I'm just happy to be moving ... and to feel so compelled to do it. I missed four days last week and I almost felt like I just had to go today. Of course, who knew I'd try to make up for the four days all at once?
2. I tried a new recipe for dinner -- whole-wheat pasta with prosciutto, mushrooms and spinach. It was delicious, easy to make and good for me.Yummy food always makes me happy.
3. I watched Casablanca. It always puts me in a good mood and I just love the song "As Time Goes By." It will probably be stuck in my head for days. Plus, what woman doesn't want Humphrey Bogart pining after her?
4. There were several points in the day when I could have let negative thoughts/conversations or other obstacles take over. But I didn't. This is a real mental success. One of my goals is to change the way I react to adversity. Part of that is adjusting the way I think and not letting things get to me. Today I overcame each challenging moment and found things that made me happy.
5. Sunday nights always make me happy because that's when I change my sheets. I always sleep better on clean sheets. OK, that makes me sound crazy. But clean sheets make me happy. And I truly am trying to appreciate the little things more.
One thing I realized today is that I had stopped making my list of things that made me happy each day. I knew I wouldn't blog about it forever but I was still making a note in my head each night. I don't know why I stopped, but I do think that's when things really started getting off track. So here's my list of five things that made me happy today.
1. I walked almost 8 miles today. I did The Loop twice this morning and then later in the day I walked from Johnnie Mercers Pier to Shell Island and back. I still want to incorporate running into my physical activity, but, for now, I'm just happy to be moving ... and to feel so compelled to do it. I missed four days last week and I almost felt like I just had to go today. Of course, who knew I'd try to make up for the four days all at once?
2. I tried a new recipe for dinner -- whole-wheat pasta with prosciutto, mushrooms and spinach. It was delicious, easy to make and good for me.Yummy food always makes me happy.
3. I watched Casablanca. It always puts me in a good mood and I just love the song "As Time Goes By." It will probably be stuck in my head for days. Plus, what woman doesn't want Humphrey Bogart pining after her?
4. There were several points in the day when I could have let negative thoughts/conversations or other obstacles take over. But I didn't. This is a real mental success. One of my goals is to change the way I react to adversity. Part of that is adjusting the way I think and not letting things get to me. Today I overcame each challenging moment and found things that made me happy.
5. Sunday nights always make me happy because that's when I change my sheets. I always sleep better on clean sheets. OK, that makes me sound crazy. But clean sheets make me happy. And I truly am trying to appreciate the little things more.
Regaining control
After the craziness of last week, I knew I needed to take a step back and take a deep breath. So I put on my pajamas at 3 o'clock Saturday afternoon and ended up asleep by 9. Ten hours later, I feel well-rested physically, but my brain still feels like it needs another 10 hours of sleep. In fact, I'm still sitting in bed as I write this. I'm sure I'll get up eventually.
The good news is that I'm feeling much calmer and back in control of my thinking. I'm back on track with my eating, having made the most delicious and healthy spaghetti for dinner last night. I haven't walked/run in four days. That's the longest I've gone in months probably. It's shaping up to be a nice day. Maybe I'll hit The Loop later. I know it will make me feel better. One problem, however, is that I seem to have pulled a muscle in my left leg. No, it didn't happen running. I can't even tell you when/how it happened. But it's been hurting for two days.
The bad news is that the scale is not cooperating. I'm definitely paying for last week's excess, which is frustrating but I know I have no one to blame but myself. I made the choices I made and have to take responsibility for those decisions. Sure, I let others influence my choices, but I didn't have to listen. Now, I must suffer the consequences.
Finally, the thought I hope to carry with me into the coming week is that my problems are so small compared to those of others. I do spend a lot of time on self-reflection, which means I'm focused on my own issues and problems most of the time. But I've had two experiences in the past two days that have reminded me that others are dealing with things far worse. So when I'm tempted to lament too much, I will think about those people, keep my chin up and simply deal with whatever my problem is.
The good news is that I'm feeling much calmer and back in control of my thinking. I'm back on track with my eating, having made the most delicious and healthy spaghetti for dinner last night. I haven't walked/run in four days. That's the longest I've gone in months probably. It's shaping up to be a nice day. Maybe I'll hit The Loop later. I know it will make me feel better. One problem, however, is that I seem to have pulled a muscle in my left leg. No, it didn't happen running. I can't even tell you when/how it happened. But it's been hurting for two days.
The bad news is that the scale is not cooperating. I'm definitely paying for last week's excess, which is frustrating but I know I have no one to blame but myself. I made the choices I made and have to take responsibility for those decisions. Sure, I let others influence my choices, but I didn't have to listen. Now, I must suffer the consequences.
Finally, the thought I hope to carry with me into the coming week is that my problems are so small compared to those of others. I do spend a lot of time on self-reflection, which means I'm focused on my own issues and problems most of the time. But I've had two experiences in the past two days that have reminded me that others are dealing with things far worse. So when I'm tempted to lament too much, I will think about those people, keep my chin up and simply deal with whatever my problem is.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Weekly weigh-in: Out of control
This week has been a whirlwind of activity, which has meant eating and drinking too much. In fact, I'd say things have been out of control this week. Everything. Just plain chaos on so many fronts. And I've been left asking myself "What was I thinking?" on more than one occasion. Living in the moment is a lot of fun ... until it isn't. I have a couple of regrets from this week, but I'm hoping I can look back and laugh one day.
Anyway, I didn't actually weigh in this morning like I usually do. It's a long story as to why. Let's just say life got in the way. But I've recorded my weight every week since January, so I didn't want to miss one. I figured weighing when I got home from work was better than not at all. The result was pretty good -- 1.8 pounds lost. That finally allowed me to cross the 75-pounds-lost mark. I'm now at 76.4!!!!!!
The overindulgence of the past few days is bound to catch up eventually, though. I'm excited about this week's number, but I'm prepared for the scale to strike back in the coming week.
Anyway, I didn't actually weigh in this morning like I usually do. It's a long story as to why. Let's just say life got in the way. But I've recorded my weight every week since January, so I didn't want to miss one. I figured weighing when I got home from work was better than not at all. The result was pretty good -- 1.8 pounds lost. That finally allowed me to cross the 75-pounds-lost mark. I'm now at 76.4!!!!!!
The overindulgence of the past few days is bound to catch up eventually, though. I'm excited about this week's number, but I'm prepared for the scale to strike back in the coming week.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Not ready to make nice
Who knew that Dixie Chicks song would be the one to inspire me to run? If you're a regular reader, you probably know this already. I have decided to incorporate running into my routine. I started walking at the end of July and that has become much easier. I'm still not very fast, but I'm up to 5 miles without wanting to pass out. Instead of walking farther, I want to get faster and stronger, which I think will happen with running.
A friend recommended I start with 30 minutes -- 9 minutes walking, 1 minute running -- for a week. I tried that for the first time yesterday and it didn't work out so well. It ended up being more like 5 minutes walking, 30 seconds running. But my total time was 45 minutes. Today, I tried 4 minutes walking, 30 seconds running. And I went for 32 minutes total. It went OK. My legs just won't run for 1 minute, so I figure this is a good start. I really have no idea what I'm doing, though. What I do know is that my legs and other muscles can tell a difference. Nothing actually hurts, but I did push a few muscles. That's good, right?
Part of my plan was to create a playlist on my iPod that would motivate me to run. I already think I need to revise it because I played it yesterday and it just didn't inspire me. Today, I put the iPod on shuffle and I felt a surge of energy when "Not Ready to Make Nice" started to play. Again, regular readers know that music is very important to me. Every song has meaning and evokes emotion. I'll get the list right eventually.
For now, I'm just happy to be moving and happy to be out of my funk. I felt much better on Saturday and yesterday was good. But I was worried that last week's negative thinking might creep back in. Nope. I feel better than ever. Oh, and a really cool thing happened at the grocery store tonight ... I saw myself on one of those closed-circuit TVs. I honestly saw a different person from the one I normally see in the mirror. That's a good sign.
A friend recommended I start with 30 minutes -- 9 minutes walking, 1 minute running -- for a week. I tried that for the first time yesterday and it didn't work out so well. It ended up being more like 5 minutes walking, 30 seconds running. But my total time was 45 minutes. Today, I tried 4 minutes walking, 30 seconds running. And I went for 32 minutes total. It went OK. My legs just won't run for 1 minute, so I figure this is a good start. I really have no idea what I'm doing, though. What I do know is that my legs and other muscles can tell a difference. Nothing actually hurts, but I did push a few muscles. That's good, right?
Part of my plan was to create a playlist on my iPod that would motivate me to run. I already think I need to revise it because I played it yesterday and it just didn't inspire me. Today, I put the iPod on shuffle and I felt a surge of energy when "Not Ready to Make Nice" started to play. Again, regular readers know that music is very important to me. Every song has meaning and evokes emotion. I'll get the list right eventually.
For now, I'm just happy to be moving and happy to be out of my funk. I felt much better on Saturday and yesterday was good. But I was worried that last week's negative thinking might creep back in. Nope. I feel better than ever. Oh, and a really cool thing happened at the grocery store tonight ... I saw myself on one of those closed-circuit TVs. I honestly saw a different person from the one I normally see in the mirror. That's a good sign.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
The best $350 I've ever spent
OK, maybe I'm exaggerating a little, but not much. Do you know how discouraged I was feeling yesterday and just how close I felt to being unable to overcome this latest mental hurdle? It wasn't pretty inside my head. But a bit of shopping therapy has done wonders for me today.
Yes, I spent $350 I don't have thanks to credit cards. But it was so worth it. I bought a wool winter coat, three sweaters, two pairs of shoes, a dress, a pair of jeans and a few other items. Given how much stuff I bought, I don't think I spent that much. Anyway, the important part is what happened when I was trying on the clothes and shoes. For the first time, I actually took smaller sizes into the dressing room and they fit, except in two instances they were too big. All of these new clothes are a size 14, except for the coat, which is an XL. (Yes, I didn't even have to get a plus size.) That feels amazing, especially since I've said my goal is to get to a size 12.
What's even better is that when I was trying on the clothes, I thought they looked good. I didn't feel like a big blob in everything. Instead, I noticed that I liked things to be form-fitting. I know I went a little overboard with my spending. But it felt so good to buy smaller clothes. And it's clearly just what I needed to get me over this bump in the road. I feel like someone has pressed the reset button on my brain. Thank goodness!!!
Yes, I spent $350 I don't have thanks to credit cards. But it was so worth it. I bought a wool winter coat, three sweaters, two pairs of shoes, a dress, a pair of jeans and a few other items. Given how much stuff I bought, I don't think I spent that much. Anyway, the important part is what happened when I was trying on the clothes and shoes. For the first time, I actually took smaller sizes into the dressing room and they fit, except in two instances they were too big. All of these new clothes are a size 14, except for the coat, which is an XL. (Yes, I didn't even have to get a plus size.) That feels amazing, especially since I've said my goal is to get to a size 12.
What's even better is that when I was trying on the clothes, I thought they looked good. I didn't feel like a big blob in everything. Instead, I noticed that I liked things to be form-fitting. I know I went a little overboard with my spending. But it felt so good to buy smaller clothes. And it's clearly just what I needed to get me over this bump in the road. I feel like someone has pressed the reset button on my brain. Thank goodness!!!
Be it resolved ... no more whining!
I slept great last night and woke up feeling much better. So I am resolving to quit my whining and complaining. And to simply get back on track. I don't like the way I've been feeling the past few days, so I'm just not going to feel that way. I like when I'm happy, so I'm only going to do things today that make me happy. I'm starting with a hearty, but healthy, breakfast -- a cheese omelet and sweet potato pancakes. And then we'll see where the day leads.
You're probably tired of hearing this by now, but I know that a big part of my weight loss journey is about changing the way I think and how I view food. I had a setback this week. That's OK. It was bound to happen sooner or later. It's been almost a year. Can you believe that? I've faced struggles throughout this process, but none as bad as this week. I don't even really know what caused this week's crash. I'd like to figure it out so I can avoid the trigger in the future, but I don't want to dwell on it too much. I think it's more important at this point to move on.
As usual, I am thankful for all of the support I've gotten from friends this week. So many people have offered encouragement and advice on how to get through this bad patch. Well, now I'm listening. I am proud of what I've accomplished so far and I know I am in control of this journey. I also know that I will achieve my goals. No more self-loathing ... at least not today!
You're probably tired of hearing this by now, but I know that a big part of my weight loss journey is about changing the way I think and how I view food. I had a setback this week. That's OK. It was bound to happen sooner or later. It's been almost a year. Can you believe that? I've faced struggles throughout this process, but none as bad as this week. I don't even really know what caused this week's crash. I'd like to figure it out so I can avoid the trigger in the future, but I don't want to dwell on it too much. I think it's more important at this point to move on.
As usual, I am thankful for all of the support I've gotten from friends this week. So many people have offered encouragement and advice on how to get through this bad patch. Well, now I'm listening. I am proud of what I've accomplished so far and I know I am in control of this journey. I also know that I will achieve my goals. No more self-loathing ... at least not today!
Friday, November 12, 2010
I tried to fight it
So I finally cracked today, sort of. As I wrote yesterday, I've been craving all sorts of terrible foods. I know it's not about the foods. It's really about about my emotions. This whole week has been a struggle. Even though I walked more than ever before, I've wanted to eat everything in sight. I thought I was back on track today at work. I was diligent about what I ate and when. It was a struggle all day, but I made it. Then, I stopped at the grocery store on the way home. The plan was to get something healthy and tasty (and not too far off track) for dinner.
I had a plan.
It was working out OK, except I was stopping to check the calorie and fat count for every kind of pre-made macaroni and cheese I saw. But I didn't put any in the cart. Then I spotted the potato chip aisle. I went by at first, even making it through the rest of my shopping. As I was headed to the checkout, though, I couldn't resist. The good news is that I bought baked potato chips. Seriously, I could have made a much worse choice. The bad news is that I opened the bag in the car on the way home. It's not a long drive, so I don't think I ate that many.
It's not about what I ate.
It's about the mental process behind it. I clearly have emotional issues with food. Although I felt horrible for eating the chips, I actually feel better. I feel more relaxed and the craziness in my head seems to have subsided (for now, at least). I can honestly say this is the first time since January that I let that part of my brain take over. I've fought it for so long and I was beginning to think that my new way of seeing food was permanent. I thought it had finally taken hold and I didn't have to fight it.
I was wrong.
I'm not sure how to proceed. I'd like to think that this was a one-time thing. But my mind isn't in the right place yet. I want to move on, forget it and not let it happen again. Actually, what I really want is to figure out how to deal with it. I want to know exactly what happened this week that let the old me emerge.
And how do I make it stop?
I had a plan.
It was working out OK, except I was stopping to check the calorie and fat count for every kind of pre-made macaroni and cheese I saw. But I didn't put any in the cart. Then I spotted the potato chip aisle. I went by at first, even making it through the rest of my shopping. As I was headed to the checkout, though, I couldn't resist. The good news is that I bought baked potato chips. Seriously, I could have made a much worse choice. The bad news is that I opened the bag in the car on the way home. It's not a long drive, so I don't think I ate that many.
It's not about what I ate.
It's about the mental process behind it. I clearly have emotional issues with food. Although I felt horrible for eating the chips, I actually feel better. I feel more relaxed and the craziness in my head seems to have subsided (for now, at least). I can honestly say this is the first time since January that I let that part of my brain take over. I've fought it for so long and I was beginning to think that my new way of seeing food was permanent. I thought it had finally taken hold and I didn't have to fight it.
I was wrong.
I'm not sure how to proceed. I'd like to think that this was a one-time thing. But my mind isn't in the right place yet. I want to move on, forget it and not let it happen again. Actually, what I really want is to figure out how to deal with it. I want to know exactly what happened this week that let the old me emerge.
And how do I make it stop?
Weekly weigh-in: Discouraged
For the first time since January, I honestly feel discouraged. I've been disappointed before. But I feel like my old way of thinking is starting to creep back into my head. You know, the voice that says, "What's the point? Just eat whatever you want. Why are you putting yourself through all of this? Where's it getting you?" I don't like it, but I don't know how to stop it. I'm not exactly sure what number I expected to see on the scale today, and maybe that's part of the problem. Every week until this one, I had a good idea of where I stood. I knew whether I was going to gain or lose. And the few weeks when I gained were no surprise. This week, I did lose two-tenths of a pound. OK, at least I lost something. But I also walked 16 1/2 miles since last Friday. And my eating habits weren't bad. The worst part of it is that I still haven't hit the 75 pounds lost goal. I'm at 74.6. Physically, I feel better and stronger than ever. Mentally, not so much. I think I just need something good to happen.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
On the verge of cracking
Today is the closest I've come to eating the worst foods possible since I started this journey in January. And, unfortunately, the day's not over yet. I don't know what's going on, but I'm craving everything bad ... pizza, Chinese, barbecue, french fries, a steak and cheese. And my emotions are all over the place. Some of you might be saying that sounds like PMS. Could be. But I've made it through 10 months without cracking, so why is today so bad?
I think it's because I've allowed my brain to focus on other things lately. You could say that I haven't been keeping my eye on the ball. In fact, I've been distracted by a lot of other things. Mostly good, but still distractions. This is probably a good lesson as I go forward -- winning this battle requires constant attention and commitment.
And the good news is that other than two small splurges on snacks (half of a medium-size blueberry muffin and a half piece of pumpkin bread), I haven't actually gotten off track today. Instead, I came home from work and walked 3 miles. I vowed that I wasn't going back in my house until I felt better. But I had to give up eventually because my left leg/ankle were hurting so bad that I could barely take another step.
Now, of course, I'm blogging ... hoping something will click and the urge to order delivery will pass. It was particularly difficult seeing the pizza delivery guy drive by during my walk. My brain keeps saying: "It's just one day. Just eat whatever you want and worry about it tomorrow." OK, that probably wouldn't be the end of the world. The problem is that food is an addiction and once I let those words win, I'll be hearing them all the time and letting them win all the time.
So I'm headed to the kitchen to eat my leftover whole-wheat pasta with butternut squash and asparagus. And I might have to go to bed after that so I won't be tempted to eat something else ... something worse. Then maybe tomorrow will be better.
I think it's because I've allowed my brain to focus on other things lately. You could say that I haven't been keeping my eye on the ball. In fact, I've been distracted by a lot of other things. Mostly good, but still distractions. This is probably a good lesson as I go forward -- winning this battle requires constant attention and commitment.
And the good news is that other than two small splurges on snacks (half of a medium-size blueberry muffin and a half piece of pumpkin bread), I haven't actually gotten off track today. Instead, I came home from work and walked 3 miles. I vowed that I wasn't going back in my house until I felt better. But I had to give up eventually because my left leg/ankle were hurting so bad that I could barely take another step.
Now, of course, I'm blogging ... hoping something will click and the urge to order delivery will pass. It was particularly difficult seeing the pizza delivery guy drive by during my walk. My brain keeps saying: "It's just one day. Just eat whatever you want and worry about it tomorrow." OK, that probably wouldn't be the end of the world. The problem is that food is an addiction and once I let those words win, I'll be hearing them all the time and letting them win all the time.
So I'm headed to the kitchen to eat my leftover whole-wheat pasta with butternut squash and asparagus. And I might have to go to bed after that so I won't be tempted to eat something else ... something worse. Then maybe tomorrow will be better.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Getting fit
I did quite a bit of walking this past weekend and I continued today. Sometimes, I feel like it's become an obsession. I've written before about how I tend to be a little OCD about things. OK, maybe a lot in some cases. Anyway, I really want getting fit to be an obsession because I know that once I fixate on something I won't let it go until I've achieved whatever I define as success.
In this case, of course, I'm already achieving greater success than I thought possible. The first time I walked The Loop at Wrightsville Beach in July, I couldn't make it all the way around without taking a break. I felt light-headed and breathing wasn't easy. Now, I can walk two laps, which is almost 5 miles. I'm pretty slow, but I consider the improved endurance a good sign. Seriously, I can walk 5 miles without passing out. I can remember not wanting to walk a block downtown to go to lunch or dinner with friends. In fact, I'm sure I said no to quite a few events in the past simply because I would have had to walk too far. Now, I feel like I could walk anywhere, anytime. And I would never dream of skipping an event because I might have to park too far away. I've come a long way.
What's most important is that I feel like I'm getting fit. I feel healthier every day. This weekend is the first time when I've been able to feel it. Once again, I think a lot of it is psychological. Of course, I've felt better for quite some time. But mentally something clicked this weekend. I feel strong and in control of this process and more committed than ever. I'm still struggling, though, with what the next step is. I want to get faster, stronger and more toned. I just don't know how to get there and, honestly, how to force myself to get there.
In this case, of course, I'm already achieving greater success than I thought possible. The first time I walked The Loop at Wrightsville Beach in July, I couldn't make it all the way around without taking a break. I felt light-headed and breathing wasn't easy. Now, I can walk two laps, which is almost 5 miles. I'm pretty slow, but I consider the improved endurance a good sign. Seriously, I can walk 5 miles without passing out. I can remember not wanting to walk a block downtown to go to lunch or dinner with friends. In fact, I'm sure I said no to quite a few events in the past simply because I would have had to walk too far. Now, I feel like I could walk anywhere, anytime. And I would never dream of skipping an event because I might have to park too far away. I've come a long way.
What's most important is that I feel like I'm getting fit. I feel healthier every day. This weekend is the first time when I've been able to feel it. Once again, I think a lot of it is psychological. Of course, I've felt better for quite some time. But mentally something clicked this weekend. I feel strong and in control of this process and more committed than ever. I'm still struggling, though, with what the next step is. I want to get faster, stronger and more toned. I just don't know how to get there and, honestly, how to force myself to get there.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Weekly weigh-in: Better than expected
When was the last time I said that about my Friday morning weigh-in? But it was, indeed, better than expected. I was on vacation last weekend and indulged in all the wrong foods and drinks. Then, there was Election Day on Tuesday. Between the two, I had pancakes, bacon, fudge, pizza, cake, beer, etc., etc. I was fully prepared not to lose any weight this week and to possibly gain a little. But the scale was my friend this morning -- 1.4 pounds lost. That brings me to a total of 74.4 pounds. Wow! I'm amazed each time I think about that number. And I could not have asked for a better result this week.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Feeling out of sorts ... and liking it
The past few weeks have gone by in a flash, and I feel like I barely recognize the person I've become. When I look in the mirror, I still see the same old me ... most of the time. It's my attitude and approach to life that are so completely different.
I had an experience today that would not have been possible a year ago. I made a new friend and it happened in what I think is a weird way. Someone I know simply recommended her as a friend on facebook. I sent the request and poof ... a couple of weeks later, we're having lunch and chatting as if we've known each other forever. And she's the second new friend I've made in the past month. I'm 37 years old and it sounds so strange to be talking about making new friends. I can't even really explain the need to do it. A year ago, I would have never "friended" someone on facebook I didn't actually know already and I certainly wouldn't have met the person for lunch and shared personal information about myself. The old me would have just not been able to do it and if I had, I would have been so stressed ... probably to the point of feeling sick. Today, I felt so comfortable and at ease.
Of course, my new friend deserves a lot of credit. She's very easy to talk to and didn't seem to mind that I might have sounded a little crazy every now and then. Unfortunately, there's still that small part of my brain wondering if she thinks I am crazy. But I'm trying to ignore those voices. Instead, I'm trying to focus on the progress I'm making. I've said it before: My journey is not just about losing weight. It's about discovering who I am and being happy with myself.
I am happy with myself today, so here's my list of five things that made me happy today.
1. I made a new friend. Not just because she's a nice person and fun, but also because it meant doing something I wouldn't normally do. I went outside my comfort zone and I liked it.
2. I won a newsroom award for planning our election coverage. I have a whole team of people who really deserve all of the credit. I'm happy I won, but I'll be even happier when I reward my team in some way for carrying out the plan.
3. I'm happy about the direction some things are going at work. As usual, I'm not going to reveal a lot of details about my job in this blog. But I feel like things are on the right track and progress will be made. Continuous improvement is important to me.
4. I blogged for the first time in a few days. I was feeling out of sorts, confused, tired, etc. and just couldn't focus on blogging the past couple of days. I'm happy I did it today. It always helps me organize my thoughts.
5. I got an unexpected e-mail from someone. Not ready to share the details, but it did make me happy.
I had an experience today that would not have been possible a year ago. I made a new friend and it happened in what I think is a weird way. Someone I know simply recommended her as a friend on facebook. I sent the request and poof ... a couple of weeks later, we're having lunch and chatting as if we've known each other forever. And she's the second new friend I've made in the past month. I'm 37 years old and it sounds so strange to be talking about making new friends. I can't even really explain the need to do it. A year ago, I would have never "friended" someone on facebook I didn't actually know already and I certainly wouldn't have met the person for lunch and shared personal information about myself. The old me would have just not been able to do it and if I had, I would have been so stressed ... probably to the point of feeling sick. Today, I felt so comfortable and at ease.
Of course, my new friend deserves a lot of credit. She's very easy to talk to and didn't seem to mind that I might have sounded a little crazy every now and then. Unfortunately, there's still that small part of my brain wondering if she thinks I am crazy. But I'm trying to ignore those voices. Instead, I'm trying to focus on the progress I'm making. I've said it before: My journey is not just about losing weight. It's about discovering who I am and being happy with myself.
I am happy with myself today, so here's my list of five things that made me happy today.
1. I made a new friend. Not just because she's a nice person and fun, but also because it meant doing something I wouldn't normally do. I went outside my comfort zone and I liked it.
2. I won a newsroom award for planning our election coverage. I have a whole team of people who really deserve all of the credit. I'm happy I won, but I'll be even happier when I reward my team in some way for carrying out the plan.
3. I'm happy about the direction some things are going at work. As usual, I'm not going to reveal a lot of details about my job in this blog. But I feel like things are on the right track and progress will be made. Continuous improvement is important to me.
4. I blogged for the first time in a few days. I was feeling out of sorts, confused, tired, etc. and just couldn't focus on blogging the past couple of days. I'm happy I did it today. It always helps me organize my thoughts.
5. I got an unexpected e-mail from someone. Not ready to share the details, but it did make me happy.
Monday, November 1, 2010
A true sense of accomplishment
It's been three months since I decided to "reward" myself by walking The Loop at Wrightsville Beach. Today, I walked it twice. That's almost 5 miles. I was slow, but I feel fantastic. I'm so glad I pushed myself to do it. Just like after the first time, I can't wait to do it again. I'm feeling such a sense of achievement.
And I have my friend Diana D'Abruzzo to thank. Like me, she's trying to lose weight and she blogs. Her weight loss journey spans years and she's the one who convinced me to start this blog. Her post today about her struggles made me cry, but it also inspired me because Diana's so strong and brave. She's very open in her blog, even posting her weight. I admire her so much and I really don't think she even knows how much she motivates others. Diana walks/runs miles. I want to be like her, so I pushed myself harder today.
While I was walking, I was thinking again about all of the people who've supported my efforts. Sometimes, I don't think people even realize how something they've said has inspired or motivated me to keep going. I am so appreciative of everyone who simply says, "You're doing a great job." It's nice when people recognize how hard I'm working and how hard this journey is.
Yes, I'm having so much fun and enjoying my life. But the mental hurdles definitely outweigh the physical hurdles at this point. Just this weekend, I caught my reflection in a window and cringed. My mood immediately changed. I've been thinking about it since. On the other hand, I actually allowed my family members to take pictures of me. For so long, I've basically refused to be in photos. Now, I don't mind it as much. My point: Every time I start to feel like I'm not achieving the results I want, I resolve to work harder and to push myself more.
I will reach my goal ... whatever that is. I am hoping to set a final goal by the end of the year. I think it's time to realize that the changes I've made are for good and that I can get to whatever weight I want. I'm more determined than ever to get there.
And I have my friend Diana D'Abruzzo to thank. Like me, she's trying to lose weight and she blogs. Her weight loss journey spans years and she's the one who convinced me to start this blog. Her post today about her struggles made me cry, but it also inspired me because Diana's so strong and brave. She's very open in her blog, even posting her weight. I admire her so much and I really don't think she even knows how much she motivates others. Diana walks/runs miles. I want to be like her, so I pushed myself harder today.
While I was walking, I was thinking again about all of the people who've supported my efforts. Sometimes, I don't think people even realize how something they've said has inspired or motivated me to keep going. I am so appreciative of everyone who simply says, "You're doing a great job." It's nice when people recognize how hard I'm working and how hard this journey is.
Yes, I'm having so much fun and enjoying my life. But the mental hurdles definitely outweigh the physical hurdles at this point. Just this weekend, I caught my reflection in a window and cringed. My mood immediately changed. I've been thinking about it since. On the other hand, I actually allowed my family members to take pictures of me. For so long, I've basically refused to be in photos. Now, I don't mind it as much. My point: Every time I start to feel like I'm not achieving the results I want, I resolve to work harder and to push myself more.
I will reach my goal ... whatever that is. I am hoping to set a final goal by the end of the year. I think it's time to realize that the changes I've made are for good and that I can get to whatever weight I want. I'm more determined than ever to get there.
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