So I finally cracked today, sort of. As I wrote yesterday, I've been craving all sorts of terrible foods. I know it's not about the foods. It's really about about my emotions. This whole week has been a struggle. Even though I walked more than ever before, I've wanted to eat everything in sight. I thought I was back on track today at work. I was diligent about what I ate and when. It was a struggle all day, but I made it. Then, I stopped at the grocery store on the way home. The plan was to get something healthy and tasty (and not too far off track) for dinner.
I had a plan.
It was working out OK, except I was stopping to check the calorie and fat count for every kind of pre-made macaroni and cheese I saw. But I didn't put any in the cart. Then I spotted the potato chip aisle. I went by at first, even making it through the rest of my shopping. As I was headed to the checkout, though, I couldn't resist. The good news is that I bought baked potato chips. Seriously, I could have made a much worse choice. The bad news is that I opened the bag in the car on the way home. It's not a long drive, so I don't think I ate that many.
It's not about what I ate.
It's about the mental process behind it. I clearly have emotional issues with food. Although I felt horrible for eating the chips, I actually feel better. I feel more relaxed and the craziness in my head seems to have subsided (for now, at least). I can honestly say this is the first time since January that I let that part of my brain take over. I've fought it for so long and I was beginning to think that my new way of seeing food was permanent. I thought it had finally taken hold and I didn't have to fight it.
I was wrong.
I'm not sure how to proceed. I'd like to think that this was a one-time thing. But my mind isn't in the right place yet. I want to move on, forget it and not let it happen again. Actually, what I really want is to figure out how to deal with it. I want to know exactly what happened this week that let the old me emerge.
And how do I make it stop?
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