Weekly weigh-in: I didn't see that coming

This week's weight: 188.8
Last week's weight: 192
Difference: -3.2
Total weight lost: 83

I started this week off good. After a slight gain last week, I knew I wanted to redeem myself. As the week went on, however, I slipped a little. But I have walked a lot more this week than I had been in the past couple of months. As of yesterday, I thought maybe I'd lost a pound. So I was surprised when I stepped on the scale this morning and I'd lost 3.2 pounds. I've said this before but my most stressful weeks are sometimes the ones where I lose the most weight. I'm going to try to stay on track through the weekend, but it might be difficult given that I'm hosting an Oscar soiree on Sunday. But I'm already planning lots of healthy snacks. Also, I'm trying not to think too much about my goal of getting to a total of 90 pounds lost by April 1. It's still possible, but I don't want to feel like I've failed if I don't make it. I'm just glad to still be losing overall. That's really all I can ask for.

Self-doubt = self-sabotage

Why is it that no matter how good things are there's a voice in my head that makes me feel bad about myself? The past few days have been amazing. I've felt happy again. But for some strange reason the self-doubt just won't leave my mind. And then that seems to lead to self-sabotage.

My eating this week hasn't been the best, but it hasn't been bad. And I Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. But then today I let my guard down. I was really tired, so I took today off from walking even though I vowed to walk every day this week. I just couldn't do it. I also overate at lunch, including apple pie. Now I'm feeling guilty. I know, I shouldn't beat myself up about it.

I'm also mad at myself for not being able to simply be happy. Why can't I just enjoy the moment? Why do I have to analyze everything over and over again? And my thoughts keep telling me that I'm not good enough. Sometimes, it seems like the more I change, the more I stay the same.

I've talked a lot about how the past year has transformed me. My approach to life is much different now than it used to be. I see everything differently ... except myself. I see the same person I was a year ago and the more I step outside my comfort zone, the more I want to retreat. Does that make sense?

As usual, I like to try to find a way to deal with whatever I'm feeling. I don't have the answer in this case. Maybe it just takes time.

Weekly weigh-in: I blew it

Last week's weight: 190.6
This week's weight: 192
Difference: +1.4
Total weight lost: 79.8

When I was eating the mac and cheese and drinking the cherry ginger whiskey punch last Friday, I knew it was wrong. Then there was the giant soft pretzel at the movies on Saturday. And let's not forget about the beer, wine, chips and salsa, and Girl Scout cookies. Seriously, what did I expect?

Thinking about it now, I feel lucky that I didn't gain more. It's been a stressful and emotional week. That's no excuse for the splurging, but it is the reason. I'm struggling to overcome the emotional eating. I know it. On the bright side, I'm doing much better than I used to.

So I had a bad week. It's Friday. I feel better than I have in weeks. I'm going to just put this week behind me and move on with enjoying my weekend.

Waiting for a sign

A friend told me the other night that since I began my weight loss journey, it seems that I have all these roads in front of me. Sometimes, it seems like I don't know which one to take. So I take one, then another, then another. I've been thinking about what she said ever since.

I think she's right. Sometimes, I choose a path and I like what I find. Other times, I get all turned around and confused and don't like where I end up. That's when I backtrack or go in another direction. I even think that sometimes I choose a road and end up completely lost in the woods. I get scared. I panic. But eventually I find my way back.

If you're a regular reader, then you know already that could explain why I'm constantly blogging about feeling out of sorts. Sticking with the road analogy, I've spent all day waiting for a sign to point me in the direction. I see all these roads in front of me and I honestly don't know what to do. Right now, I feel like I'm just standing there looking at them. How long will I consider which one to take?

Part of me (often referred to as the old me) thinks I should just turn around and go home. After all, there is only one path behind me and it's what I know. No chance of getting lost. But the other part of me (the new me) thinks that my anxiety is actually excitement. The new me sees the roads and wonders which one will be the most fun and adventurous. The new me knows the terrain might be unfamiliar, but I believe I'm ready for anything.

So what kind of sign am I waiting for? If I'm honest with myself, the signs are there. I think I'm either not paying attention or I'm not reading them correctly. For now, I guess I'll just keep looking at the roads ... because I'm not turning back.

Scattered

My thoughts are all over the place today. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I'm tired. I guess I'll start with how my eating and drinking this week have not been very good. I've had dinner out on Friday, Tuesday and tonight. My food choices weren't great, but they weren't awful. The drinks, however, are probably going to be the reason I don't see a good number on the scale Friday. I did so well last week, and now I'm off track again. One step forward, two steps back. Ugh.

Also, very little exercise in the past 2 1/2 weeks. I know walking more would at least counteract the splurging. I'm just so tired. My job is very stressful. I'm still feeling 100 percent after having the flu a couple of weeks ago. I know. Excuses, excuses.

So finally there's my personal drama. As usual, I'm not entirely comfortable giving details. But I have set Feb. 28 as the deadline for resolving it. I simply can't handle uncertainty. It makes me crazy. I know what I want to happen. Either it will or it won't. I know I need to do my part and if I don't, then I only have myself to blame. Is that vague enough?

Anyway, all my whining of late annoys even me. I'm going to try to do better. I want to recapture the days where I blogged about everything that made me happy that day. Those things exist. I just need to figure out how to let those things outweigh the bad. I'll get back there. I know it.

Cupid is Stupid

I saw two posts on facebook today -- Valentine's Day -- that really made me laugh. The first was a photo this morning of Cupid being stabbed in the back with an arrow. Yeah, I could kill Cupid right about now. That's a little harsh, but seriously Cupid is not my friend today. The second was "Cupid is Stupid" as a status update. Apparently, the phrase originated on T-shirts. Cupid is stupid! I know this because I'm single on Valentine's Day. If Cupid was smart, I wouldn't be.

I'm pretty jaded and cynical most of the time, so you wouldn't expect me to get all depressed about Valentine's Day. But I'm really all gooey and mushy on the inside. People don't get to see that side often, but it's there. I even bought myself flowers yesterday in an attempt to stave off the blues. Didn't work.

The only ray of hope came at the end of the day when I was talking to a friend and asked if he and his partner were doing anything for Valentine's Day. He said no because they do things together all the time to have fun. He followed up by saying how happy he is. Knowing these two people, it just warmed my heart to hear that. My friend really deserves to be happy, so it made me feel good to hear that he is.

As if I haven't whined enough, I think my mindset would be a little better if everything else about today wasn't awful. To put it simply, work was stressful -- in so many ways. By the end of the day, I felt like I couldn't put out one more fire. And I couldn't answer one more question or make one more decision.

The unfortunate part is that I have a day like today and I want to come home and eat everything in site ... especially comfort foods. The good news is that I won't. I have a plan for dinner and I'm going to stick to it. It does involve cooking on a weeknight, which I rarely do, but I think it will be good for me to stay busy cooking. Less time to think about eating stuff that's not good for me. I guess you could call that progress.

Mostly, though, I'd love it if today could end on a positive note. I don't know what that might be, but I will know it if it happens. Otherwise, all I can do is hope that tomorrow will be better.

No turning back now

Not that I was thinking there was I chance I'd gain all the weight back, but there's really no turning back now. I few weeks ago I bagged up all of the clothes that had gotten too big for me. They've just been sitting in the garage. I couldn't bring myself to get rid of them. Of course, there's this little voice in my head that says I might want those clothes one day.

Today, for some odd reason, I decided to clean out the garage. Naturally, that meant parting with 10 trash bags full of clothes and a bag of shoes. Yes, even my shoes are too big. I've gone from a 9 to an 8. I had a bit of anxiety as I was loading the bags into my car. But I finally took everything to Goodwill.

If I gain the weight back, I'm going to feel twice as stupid because I gave away all of my nice clothes. But I know it was the right thing to do. I had some really nice stuff and there are lots of people out there who can use those clothes. So I feel good knowing that maybe I'm helping someone else.

Plus, I'm not gaining the weight back. I will never buy clothes in a size bigger than what I own right now. I know how to control my eating habits. It's been more than a year since I started this journey and I'm still losing weight. When I think about my future, I don't see any scenario in which I will need those clothes. If anything, I hope I'll have more bags full to donate by the end of this year.

Getting rid of those clothes is a major milestone for me. As you know, for a long time, I couldn't even take them out of the closet. I feel a little stressed just thinking about it now, but I know it was an important mental step. Just knowing that they are gone somehow makes me feel even more committed to being successful. It's all about conscious choice and discipline.

Weekly weigh-in: I knew it

Last week's weight: 192.8
This week's weight: 190.6
Difference: -2.2
Total lost: 81.2

For the first time in weeks, I was excited to weigh-in today. I've been diligent since Monday about everything I ate and drank. I even refused to go out to dinner Thursday night because I feared that I'd over do it and I didn't want to ruin a good week. I knew it would pay off -- 2.2 pounds lost this week. That also means losses two weeks in a row. Woohoo!

Now for the bad news. It's been a struggle. I've been starving all week. Don't worry. I've eaten plenty of food. Trust me, I'm not the kind of person who just doesn't eat. The difference this week is that I have paid more attention to portion size and I've kept track of my Weight Watchers points daily. And I used just a few of my weekly points, which explains the significant loss.

I said it earlier in the week -- keeping track makes a difference. I believe the hunger will subside as my body re-adjusts to eating healthier and smaller amounts. I feel a little like I did when I first started a year ago. Food is an addiction and I had allowed myself to gradually start eating things that weren't so good for me. Overall, I was still losing weight. But, as you know, I'm pretty unhappy about how little I've lost in the past three months.

I knew it was time to decide which path I wanted to take. I could adjust my eating habits and continue to lose weight or I could decide that I had lost enough to be happy. I have not lost enough. The key now is going to be maintaining my current level of commitment. It won't be easy. But it is necessary.

That was dumb

I'm a numbers junkie. Ask anyone at work. I love tracking data and using it to analyze and solve problems. That's because the numbers don't lie. I know you still have to use some common sense when looking at data, but the numbers generally paint a pretty accurate picture.

So it's no surprise that I approach tracking my weight loss in the same way. Luckily, using the Weight Watchers online system makes it easy. I plug in my weight each week and it generates various reports about how much I've lost in a week, a month, etc. It also gives me lots of info about my "points" but that actually requires me to keep track, which I haven't been doing very well lately.

I don't know why I picked today, but I started poking around and looking at the charts this evening. I already knew that I wasn't making a lot of progress lately. But I really didn't know how bad the situation was until today. I've lost less than a pound in the past month and only 4.4 pounds in the past three months. That really is terrible. At this stage, I should probably be losing a half pound to a pound each week.

I feel dumb for looking today because my head's not exactly in the right place anyway. Now I'm really bummed. I know it was the holidays and I splurged. I guess I just didn't realize how much. And now I'm terrified that I've gotten so far off track that I will never get back to where I was.

I've noticed since the beginning of the year that it's incredibly difficult to be diligent in my eating habits. I start every day thinking that I can do it. But I end up going over my daily points all the time. I try to eat what I used to eat and I feel like I'm starving. How did I do it before? I feel like I was mentally so strong before and that my will power kicked in whenever I thought about splurging. What's changed? And how do I get back where I was?

The biggest change is that I've stopped tracking my points. I know. That's dumb. Clearly, that was working. I don't even really know why I stopped. Laziness, I guess. I also think I've simply been focused on other things. I've blogged a lot in the past few months about making new friends and trying new things. Although I'm having so much fun, those things take up a lot of my time and attention. Finally, I've given myself permission to splurge more often. Obviously, that's a problem. I don't want to feel like I'm denying myself something I want, but I also know I'm not making the smartest choices.

So, yes, I'm depressed about it today. But I'm not really one for wallowing in sorrow for very long. I'm hoping my normal routine will kick in and I'll solve this problem quickly ... just like I do most other problems. I have a goal. I intend to achieve it. Despite the little voice in my head that sometimes tells me to give up, I don't want to give up. I want to prove that I can do it.

I need a hug

That's not easy for me to admit. I'm not all emotional like I get sometimes. I'm just exhausted. After being sick last week and a long day at work today, I think I mostly need someone to convince me that everything will be fine.

For just a little while, I want the weight to be lifted off my shoulders. I don't want to think about everything I didn't get done today. I don't want to think about trying to lose weight. I don't want to think about how I'm not exercising.

Part of my brain knows that I have the ability to control all of these feelings. But the rest of my brain wants to be comforted and reassured. Some sort of pep talk would be nice right about now.

What's funny about how I feel tonight is that it is unusual. I write a lot about feeling crazy or freaking out or irrational thoughts. I hope by now that you know those posts are about gaining control of my thoughts. As soon as I write about something, my mind usually settles down.

Today, my brain is not out of control. I'm very calm and almost relaxed. That's why it's so strange to feel the way I do. Some days, you just need a hug.

Weekly weigh-in: Just a little late

Last week's weight: 193.8
This week's weight: 192.8
Difference: -1
Total weight loss: 79

Since I was sick Friday, I didn't get to weigh in at work like I'm supposed to. So I did it this morning. And I lost a pound, which would have put me in the middle of the pack for our office challenge. I'm pretty happy about that because there was a bit of splurging while I was sick and last night during the Super Bowl. Oh, and I haven't exercised in more than a week now.

So I'll take the 1-pound loss and move on. I woke up this morning with a renewed focus on my eating habits. If I eat the right foods, I know I will keep losing weight. I'm hoping for a week with very little splurging. Wish me luck.

Bored out of my mind

I've been sick since Monday night and have stayed home from work the past two days. At first, I felt so bad that all I wanted to do was sit around in my pajamas and watch movies. Now that I'm feeling better, though, I'm so bored I feel like I could just scream.

I've watched so many movies and so much TV in the past few days. I've tried reading, but that didn't hold my interest. So my mind has started to wander. It's all over the place, which makes me feel a little nuts. Every time I try to concentrate on one thing, something else pops into my head.

Even as I'm trying to write this post, I just took a five-minute detour in my brain to think about what was the best movie I watched in the past two days. Here they are from my favorite to my least favorite. Don't judge. Sometimes I watched just because that's what was on.
1. Intolerable Cruelty
2. French Kiss
3. The Social Network
4. Unforgiven
5. (500) Days of Summer
6. Miller's Crossing

I know I'm babbling. What else can I do? I'm trying to keep myself from snacking -- something I tend to do when I'm bored. And I'm trying to focus my thoughts on something productive. Haha. That's not likely.

What's most interesting to me is that I never used to mind sitting around doing nothing. In fact, that's all I ever did. Of course, we all know by now that I've changed. Now when I'm sitting around -- for days in this case -- I get all fidgety and antsy.

OK, enough whining. I should be glad that I'm feeling better. Tomorrow is a new day. I'm sure I'll be seeing things more clearly then.

Skipping this week's weigh-in ... sort of

Since I'm taking a sick day, I'm missing the official weigh-in at work today. I did weigh at home this morning, though, and I was content with the result. But my scale and the one at work always give me a different number. I will weigh-in Monday at work and report the results then.

Being sick has really hindered my efforts this week. I haven't kept track of what I've been eating and I've done no exercise since Sunday. The good news is that I think I've made relatively smart food decisions. I've been tempted a lot this week to splurge. My throat has been hurting so bad and all I've wanted to do is eat ice cream. Instead, I've eaten Weight Watchers popsicles and frozen yogurt. I've also been craving comfort food -- pancakes, mac and cheese, bread, etc.

This morning is a good example. I almost had myself convinced to make a run to McDonald's for breakfast. One side of my brain just kept telling me that it was OK because I'm sick. Luckily, the other side was stronger today. I made a triple berry smoothie. OK, so I still want pancakes, but the cold of the smoothie is actually making my throat feel better.

The problem with being home all day by myself, though, is that I end up wanting to snack. Sitting on the couch gets so boring. I tend to want to eat when I'm bored. On the bright side, I don't really have "bad" foods at home anymore. So even if I do splurge, it's not like I'm going to get completely off track.

I'm just going to try to forget about this week. Being sick sucks, but it could have been a lot worse. Plus, I'm feeling much better now than I was earlier in the week. One more day of rest and I think I'll be good as new.

I don't do sick!

This probably won't come as a surprise to anyone, but being sick makes me feel weak and vulnerable. I don't handle those emotions very well. I'm strong-willed and I don't like when I'm not in control. Yes, I can admit it. So being sick is just unacceptable. I know. No one likes it. But I get sick so rarely that I really feel like it's something I can't deal with. I simply don't know how to respond. Of course, my typical response is to fight it. I can't even usually admit when I'm sick

I felt so bad Monday night that I knew immediately something was wrong. Looking back over the past few days, though, there were probably signs. Achy muscles (I blamed it on walking a lot), sleeping a lot (completely out of character for me) and general malaise (which I thought had to do with not being on track with my weight loss).

I don't even know what's wrong with me exactly. It started with uncontrollable shivering, which lasted about two hours. Then, I was so hot I thought flames might shoot out of head for about an hour. Five hours after it came on, I fell asleep. Woke up this morning feeling like a new person. I wasn't 100 percent, but I no longer had a 101 degree fever, so I figured I was on the mend.

Off to work I went. I had two important meetings that I felt like I couldn't reschedule. By the time they were done, I was exhausted and feeling much worse than when I woke up. I've been at home on the couch since about 1:30 p.m. Again, I was freezing. But now I'm hot again. No fever, though. At least not according to my thermometer. Other symptoms include a minor sore throat, a slight cough and a little bit of a headache. And every muscle in my body hurts. OK, that sounds like the flu.

The problem is that the cold/flu medicine has made my brain a little fuzzy, which is making it hard to actually get any work done. If I don't do work now, I'll just feel more stressed tomorrow. Honestly, I'm also a little bored. Just sitting on the couch watching TV isn't an easy task for me these days. I'm too antsy and fidgety. Some people have suggested sleeping. Really? I'm not even a little bit sleepy.

Oh, and unlike most people who don't want to eat when they are sick, I want to eat everything in sight. I'm starving all the time. And I want to eat things that aren't good for me. I'm trying to settle for hot chocolate, but it's not working so far. Then I get stressed about getting behind on work and gaining weight.

Obviously, all of that has now led me to complaining. I'm sure people don't really care how bad I feel or that I don't like being sick. Reading back over this post, all I hear in my mind is "whine, whine, whine."