This past week has really done a number on my self-esteem. I can't remember the last time it was this low. I've been trying for days to snap out of it, but it's not working. In fact, yesterday was the worst day so far. And I don't like the way I feel -- very calm on the outside, but a wreck on the inside.
Two quotes from my favorite book, "Winesburg, Ohio," come to mind:
"You are destroying yourself. You have the inclination to be alone and to dream and you are afraid of dreams. You want to be like others in town here. You hear them talk and you try to imitate them."
"You must try to forget all you have learned. You must begin to dream. From this time on you must shut your ears to the roaring of the voices."
I think there were a lot of things this past week that combined to let self-doubt creep into my head. One was a visit from my mother. I hope she will not take offense at my writing about it. I did, after all, try to tell her how I felt. I enjoyed her visit, which mostly included Christmas shopping and lots of eating out. It felt good to splurge and try new restaurants.
The problem is how many times she said something about how she's glad I'm different now. She had various ways of saying it, but it registered in my head the same way each time -- I was no fun to be around before. I'm sorry that I didn't try new foods before. I'm sorry that I didn't have as much energy before. I'm sorry that I never wanted to go to new restaurants before. I'm sorry that I was apparently a dud before. And she's not the only one who makes those sorts of comments. I know I'm different. I don't need you to point it out in a way that makes me seem like I was terrible to be around before.
We really came close to having an argument the last night she was here when we were at dinner. We were debating getting dessert. She actually asked if I was sure I wanted to eat dessert. I know I talk about the effects of splurging, but it's not the same hearing it from someone else. I've come all this way and don't need my mother questioning what I eat. I've lost 78 pounds by deciding for myself. Just hearing her say that made something click in my head.
She said she only brought it up because she knows how hard I am on myself after the fact. But it's my decision to make. It came across as if one nice dinner, including dessert, was going to cause me to gain back everything I've lost. I question my decisions enough. I don't need others doing it. And I certainly don't need others watching what I eat. I'm self conscious enough and often worry that people are judging me when I eat a cookie or piece of cake. It's been almost a year. I think I've proven that I'm in control of my eating habits and my weight.
So another thing that happened is that I bought more new clothes. Buying clothes in smaller sizes should make me feel so good. And it usually does. But sometimes it messes with my mind. Looking at myself in the dressing room mirror isn't easy. Deciding to buy something that doesn't look like a tent is even harder. I know the clothes look good, but I constantly struggle with the idea that people are looking at me. Sometimes, I think that makes me sound self-centered because I know it's not all about me.
In some ways, my self-esteem issues stem from what I see in the mirror. Sometimes, I can see big changes. But mostly I don't think I look any different than I did a year ago. I know that's crazy, especially since I see pictures of myself and am surprised at how I look. I feel like I'm not even looking at myself.
Finally, my recent self-doubt also is linked to something not related to my weight loss. Of course, it's about work. My year of weight loss came at exactly the same time as a year of change in my career. I constantly struggle with the idea that I'm not good enough. I think I project confidence, but in my head it's a different story.
The self-doubt ultimately creeps in when I have too much time by myself, which means I spend too much time thinking about all of these things. I've spent a lot of time alone in my life. Even just a few hours seems to make my brain freak out. Why is it so hard for me now?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Oh mothers. They mean well, I'm sure. But. When I told my mom about the weight-loss series I was going to do and how the newspaper was going to pay for three months of Weight Watchers, her response was "Will they pay for gastric bypass surgery?" When my 100-pounds-lost trip to New York to see my sister was canceled b/c of plane problems and I went home crying, my mom said "Don't let this drive you to eat." As I write this now, it finally has hit me that my mom wasn't necessarily telling ME those things. She was telling HERSELF those things. But the pain was always immense when she'd say things like that.
ReplyDeleteWhen you mention the then-now issue, I say this: You are the EXACT same person you were a year ago. Yes, you are happier b/c you feel better physically and other aspects of your life snowball from there. But you are the same Sherry, and it's the Sherry everyone loves now and everyone loved then. She's just more accessible now, perhaps. I've told you this before but I make an effort to keep photos of me from my heavier days - on Facebook, in picture frames. Because it's ME. If I was lovable at 167 pounds, then dammit, I was at 317, too. Same person. Same soul. Same brain. Just a different shell. You just need to believe it yourself and screw what others are saying. I think they just may be saying it poorly. I think they're just glad you're more accessible. More open to life, but more importantly, more open to THEM. (People can be selfish.)
As for the job, if you weren't good enough, you wouldn't still be in the job. And the best people, the best workers, the best employees are the ones with self-doubt because they always strive to get better. If you were THE BEST at your job at this very moment, what's the point? You'd have no where to go, no where to grow.
As for your brain freaking out when you have time alone, that's why I have three jobs. I'm the same. So instead I fill my life with ways to avoid thinking. It's not healthy. What you're going through right now can be healthy. Even better that you're writing it down, which helps you sort through it all.
Hang in there. Look at your gorgeous Christmas tree with its lights shining, remember how blessed you are to have a good job and good friends and a warm place to sleep. And look at how far you've come this year. It wasn't the summer of Sherry. It was the YEAR of Sherry.
I hope the walk cleared your head some - along with writing this. I try to take Mama stuff in stride, although I do sometimes get a little sharp in my replies if she gets negative. I talk to her every day, so at least stuff doesn't build up or fester!
ReplyDeleteAll I would say about the things bothering you is 1) try not to dwell on the the overanalysis, 2) live in the moment and looking forward, (with, as Diana points out, good reminders of who you are and where you've been) and 3) own your own behavior (not claiming to have coined that expression, but I think it's one of the most valuable things I've gleaned from the decades of pop psychology we've been exposed to!) If someone says or does something that for a moment makes you feel bad about yourself, make sure you don't let it give you an excuse to do something you wouldn't otherwise.
Write your own self-fulfilling prophecies, don't buy into ones others may proffer. And have a great Sunday afternoon and a wonderful new week!
I forgot to mention my secret weapon, for self-esteem, prioritizing worries, and even exercise: a DOG! I honestly don't know how anyone lives without at least one.
ReplyDelete