Can I quote you on that?

Since I was just lamenting this weekend about things people say that make me feel bad about myself, I thought I should give the positive feedback a little attention. Twice at work today people made comments in passing that really made me feel good about where I'm at in my life right now.

One person commented on how good I looked today. That meant a lot because I was wearing a new outfit. Nothing fancy, just capri pants and a shirt. But I felt good because the clothes fit and they made me feel smaller. And it was really nice that someone noticed. The other person was just walking by me in the newsroom and said I seemed really happy. My reply: "I am! One more day until vacation."

But then I got to thinking. Despite a few struggles here and there, I am happy. I get down in the dumps sometimes, but it doesn't usually last very long. And most of that happens when I have too much time on my hands. As long as I stay busy, I'm happy.

Anyway, I hope my friends don't mind being quoted on my blog. At least I did it anonymously. It just nice to get attention for how hard I'm working at losing weight and at finding happiness. So to those people, I say thank you. You made my day!

A mish-mash of emotions

I woke up this morning in a really bad mood. No real reason that I can think of. I'm just grumpy. So, as usual, I started analyzing what could be causing me to feel this way. Sugar!!! That seems to be my favorite subject lately. I think that's because I'm finally understanding how it affects me physically and mentally. Sure, it tastes great, but I always end up feeling terrible after eating something sweet.

And, of course, today I'm craving sugar. It's like a drug. One taste and I just want more. But what am I supposed to do? How can I give it up completely? Plus, I know that I can eat anything I want as long as I don't do it often and I don't eat too much. Sometimes, though, it seems like it might be easier to simply decide that I won't eat anything with sugar. I can be pretty stubborn and regimented when I make up my mind about something. I haven't decided what to do. I'm just thinking about it.

The other thing that has me feeling a bit down are a couple of comments made to me this week. I know I spend a lot of time talking about what I'm eating and whether it's good for me. I also tend to express my concern when I splurge. Yet, I are cake twice this week anyway.

The comments were from people trying to help, I think, but they the result was that I felt bad about myself. Basically, when I was talking about splurging and not walking as much because of the heat, one person told me that I would just have to get up early in the mornings and walk. The other person told me that I really should be me careful over the next week about what I eat because I'm about to go on vacation.

Neither person meant to make me feel bad, but they did. And I obviously can't stop thinking about what they said. It's like they think it would be awful for me to gain a couple of pounds or to not continue losing weight. I don't fault these people for what they said. After all, how are they supposed to respond? I talk about my weight a lot. I'm sure they're just trying to be part of the conversation. But it isn't helping my self-esteem.

Speaking of self-esteem, I'm still struggling to see myself as I am now. But I'm making progress. Some days, I look in the mirror and I can see how my body has changed. And my clothes size continues to get smaller. My brain understands that losing more than 85 pounds means I've changed a lot. Most days, I don't see it, though. I see the same person I've seen since I was a teenager.

I had a bit of a moment this past week, though, when I saw a picture taken on Monday. I was surprised to see how much smaller I looked. I've actually looked at the photo several times this week trying to figure out if I really look that way in real life. I know that sounds crazy. For a brief moment, my confidence was boosted. It hasn't lasted, but I think it's a good sign.

So I don't know what the rest of this day will bring. I can only hope that the depression I'm feeling this morning subsides quickly. Well, and I hope I can keep my eating under control.

Weekly weigh-in: Better than I deserve

Last week's weight: 187
This week's weight: 186.6
Difference: -0.4
Total weight lost: 85.2

I'm baffled yet thrilled to have lost weight this week. Considering my splurges on martinis, wine, chocolate-covered almonds and cake this week, the result is better than I deserve. I really wouldn't have been surprised to have gained a little. But I'm going to be happy about the loss and move forward. Maybe this is the weight-loss gods making up for all those weeks when I feel like I tried so hard and didn't lose anything.

The funny part is that I actually weighed seven times this morning and 186.6 came up twice and it was the highest number, so that's what I'm going with as the official number this week. Plus, I know I've got my work cut out for in this next week. The holiday weekend offers several opportunities for overeating/drinking and at the end of next week, I'm taking a vacation to Asheville, which will surely involve quite a few indulgences.

My goal right now is to simply not gain over the next two weeks. I still have 4.8 pounds to lose by July 1 to reach my short-term goal. That's not going to be easy, but I think it's possible ... if I don't overdo it on vacation.

Feeling just peachy

I ate a fresh peach for the first time in years. I seriously I can't remember the last time I ate a fresh peach. Maybe not since I was a kid. And I can't tell how delicious it was. So juicy and sweet. That got me to thinking about how different my eating habits really are now.

Two years ago, I hardly ever ate fruit of any sort. I did better with vegetables, but I'd say my diet mainly consisted of pasta, rice, meat, cheese and sugary/starchy snacks. Now, I eat more fruits and vegetables every day than anything else.

It's even weird how I came to eat the peach. A co-worker wanted to go get coffee this morning. We do this from time to time ... usually heading to the Harris Teeter at Longleaf Mall because it has a Starbucks but we can also grab something for lunch. I often make a salad, but it was a little early for lunch today. For some reason, the peaches just jumped out at me. I didn't eat it until after lunch, but it felt like a real treat.

It's important for me to find foods that satisfy me, especially when I'm craving something sweet. I'm trying really hard to cutback on sugar, but it's not easy. I devoured about 20 dark chocolate-covered almonds last night. In fact, I've had weird cravings lately -- mostly I want things like ice cream and carrot cake. No big surprise. Obviously, I'm craving sugar.

I'm not giving up sugar completely because I just don't see that happening. But I am doing well. Speaking of doing well, my pre-weigh-in today was pretty good again. I weighed what I weighed on Friday. Given that I've slipped a few times this week in my eating habits, I think that's good. Of course, though, I'm really hoping that I've lost something by Friday. I just need to keep it together through tomorrow.

'Do I feel lucky?'

Not too bad for a first-timer.

I've blogged a lot in the past year and a half about how part of this journey is about trying new things. Tonight, I joined two of my friends for ladies' night at a local shooting range. I'd shot a BB gun as a kid, but never a real gun. I actually hate guns and wish people didn't feel the need to own them. But I also sort of felt like I shoot learn to shoot a gun and do it just for the experience of it.

I was quite nervous going into it. But the instructor was very nice. We went through a 30-minute class where I learned some interesting facts about guns and bullets. And I learned to load a magazine and how to aim properly. Right away, I noticed that the gun -- a .22 caliber -- was heavier than I expected and the bullets were smaller. Once I had the feel of the gun, I felt pretty comfortable.

Inside the firing range, I felt at ease. I loaded my gun and aimed at the pink and purple target 15 feet in front of me. I fired 10 times and the hardest part was aiming. I was slightly, so I adjusted. All-in-all, I don't think I did too bad. After 30 shots, the instructor told me to start aiming for the smaller target. All total, I fired 80 bullets and 75 hit the paper somewhere. One even hit the yellow bullseye in the smaller target. Woohoo! The lesson ended with us aiming for a balloon 75 feet away. It took me 5 shots to pop it. I think that was about average.

I'm glad I did it because it was fun, but I came away noting, once again, that I don't like guns. I'd probably go to the firing range again with friends, but it's not exactly the kind of thing I plan to do on a regular basis. I'm no Dirty Harry, but I think that with a little practice, I could probably improve my aim.

Recipe: Chicken with peas and rice

Chicken with peas and rice

Ingredients
1 pound chicken breasts
1 teaspoon Trader Joe's 21 Seasonings (If you don't have this, Italian seasoning would be fine.)
1 teaspoon chopped garlic
1 cup frozen peas
1 package Trader Joe's Rice Pilaf (If you don't have this, a different brand would work.)

Prepare rice according to package directions, leaving out butter or oil. Cut chicken into bite-sized pieces. Spray saute pan with cooking spray and cook chicken until no longer pink in the middle. Add peas and garlic and cook for about 2 minutes. Combine rice, chicken and peas in a large serving dish. Makes four servings. (If you want to make this ahead of time, you can combine it in a large casserole dish and keep it warm in the oven. If you do this, add a couple of tablespoons of water to make sure the rice doesn't dry out.)

Recipe: Perfect Pasta

I love pasta, but it's not so good for my weight-loss efforts. During my journey, I've experimented with a lot of recipes. My goal is to find ways to have pasta but it small amounts. That means using a lot of other ingredients, mostly veggies, to fill me up. Here's a new one I'm trying for dinner tonight. The only thing that would make it better would be mozzarella cheese on top, but then it wouldn't be quite as good for me.

Ingredients
4 al fresco brand spinach and feta chicken sausage links
1 cup chopped mushrooms (I prefer portabello, but I used button today because they were on sale, so any kind are fine.)
1 teaspoon chopped garlic (fresh or pre-chopped from a jar is fine.)
Two 15 oz. cans diced tomatoes (If you buy the kind with seasonings, you don't need to add the spices below.)
1 package frozen spinach (Fresh would be better, but frozen is what I had.)
2 cups frozen broccoli florets
A sprinkle of salt, pepper, oregano, rosemary, basil, parsley, dried onion
8 oz. uncooked whole-wheat penne pasta

Cook pasta according to package directions. Slice chicken sausage into rounds and lightly brown in a saute pan. Add mushrooms and garlic. Cook about 5 minutes. Add tomatoes. Thaw spinach and broccoli in microwave according to package directions. Add both to sausage mixture. Heat thoroughly. Combine with cooked pasta in a large casserole dish. Cover with foil and bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes. Makes six servings.

Bargain shopping

One of my favorite things about losing weight is buying new clothes. As you probably already know, I shop a lot. It's a good thing I'm a bargain shopper or else I'd be really poor.

I do feel like I've been spending too much lately on clothes, but it's hard not to when I keep finding deals and it's hard to resist anything in a size 14 or a large. I really don't remember the last time I could fit into those sizes. I think I wore a 14 in middle school and I tried to lie to myself in college and say I was a 14 when I was really a 16 or an 18.

I'm pretty happy with today's finds -- capri pants, a skirt and three shirts for $60. No longer having to wear plus sizes has opened up a whole new world of shopping to me. I went in Old Navy today for the first time in my life (I think). Got a skirt for $9. Wow.

I've always liked to shop, but it also seems like a really good reward for losing weight. I lost 3 pounds this week. Surely I deserved to add a few new items to my wardrobe.

A fake shake

With the weather getting warmer, I've been craving a milkshake ... specifically a mocha shake from Port City Java. Since I won't be having one of those, I decided to experiment. The result was quite tasty and definitely satisfied my craving. So here's the recipe in case you want to try it.

In a blender, combine:
1/2 cup cold black coffee
1/4 cup Edy's Slow Churn (1/2 fat) coffee ice cream (I bought the single serving container and used half for one shake, so I wouldn't be tempted to eat it all. Also, you could probably use chocolate instead of coffee.)
1 teaspoon Hershey's chocolate syrup
Ice (You can use as much as you want depending on how thick you want it.)

It came out kind of slushy/icy but it tasted really good and it felt like a real treat after sitting outside on a hot afternoon.

Weekly weigh-in: A reason to celebrate

Last week's weight: 190
This week's weight: 187
Difference: -3
Total weight lost: 84.8

I was pretty ecstatic when I stepped on the scale this morning. I even weighed twice just to make sure I wasn't seeing things or that I didn't have one foot hanging off slightly. But the number was the same both times -- 187 pounds.

This is a major milestone. I don't know if I've blogged about it before but I know I've told several people during this process that getting to 187 pounds would feel like a huge mental accomplishment. That's because of a traumatic experience in my 10th-grade high school gym class. I don't remember why we were being weighed in classes, but it was done in front of everyone. I weighed 187 pounds and was mortified that everyone could see the number. The same day we were supposed to run a mile around the track and I was so upset (and out of shape) that I couldn't do it. I remember my gym teacher yelling at me in front of everyone that if I didn't get out there and do it, he was going to give me an F in his class. I didn't do any running, but I did walk around the track for the remainder of the class (crying part of the time).

Although I had clearly developed poor eating habits long before that, I honestly believe that was the moment when I started using food for comfort. I was old enough and smart enough to know better. In some ways, I feel like this is my chance to turn back the clock and make better decisions this time around.

And after months of faltering, I finally seems to have regained my footing. I'm right on track to achieve my goal of reaching 90 pounds lost by July 1 -- only 5.2 pounds to go. Of course, it won't be easy, especially since I have a vacation the first week of June. But I'm confident that I'm making smart choices again. Even when I splurge, I don't go overboard or I splurge on healthy snacks. And it feels amazing to be seeing results on the scale again.

Another good pre-weigh-in

As usual, I did a pre-weigh-in midway through the week. The result was good this morning -- 187.2 pounds, which is 2.8 less than last Friday. Unlike last week, though, I'm going try not to get my hopes up. Yes, I expect to have lost weight this week, but losing 2.8 pounds in a week would be a lot. I've said all along that I'm happy with one pound a week. I just need to see that I'm making progress.

I really feel like I am making progress this week. I actually feel much better than last week. I did change my eating habits slightly this week. I cooked two new dishes over the weekend and I've been eating them all week. I also stopped eating yogurt for breakfast and now make myself a sandwich with egg white, cheese, ham and a sandwich thin. It's more Weight Watchers points than the yogurt but it seems to be making me feel better and I'm rarely hungry before lunch. In fact, I've actually been eating a little more than normal during the day this week but I haven't snacked as much at night. Anyway, I think I'm figuring out again how to space my food out so I'm never too hungry.

One downside this week is that I haven't walked as much as I would have liked. But I've been suffering from migraines since last week and I simply haven't felt like doing much exercise. I think that's OK as long as I keep my eating under control.

So with two days until my official weekly weigh-in, I'm hopeful.

Weekly weigh-in: Not a proud moment

Last week's weight: 189.2
This week's weight: 190
Difference: +0.8
Total weight lost: 81.8

I'm not exactly surprised that I gained a little this week. With the birthday celebrations and a visit with my family, I overdid it a bit the past two weeks. But I also fought really hard to overcome the food splurges by walking more and eating well the other days of the week.

My disappointment this week is in how I've approached food. Since Wednesday, I feel like I've been eating everything in sight. I don't know what's gotten into me. I haven't eaten really bad foods, but I everything hasn't exactly been good for me either. My concern is that I feel like I can't stop eating.

Today has been the worst and it started with me getting a bagel at Dunkin Donuts. I knew it was wrong and far more points than I normally eat for breakfast, but I simply couldn't stop myself. I snacked a lot at work today -- at least my choices were healthy, including an orange, a banana, a Kashi granola bar, Weight Watchers string cheese.

I hit rock bottom on the way home tonight. I couldn't figure out what I was going to eat for dinner. I weighed my healthy fast food choices. I considered stopping at the grocery store. I even thought about Chinese delivery. Then, I got in the drive-thru line at Zaxby's. There is nothing good for me there. I haven't eaten there since sometime in 2009. All I could think about was how good the chicken fingers, french fries, cole slaw and Texas toast would taste.

As I waited in line, I saw images of myself stuffing my face. I thought about how I'd feel. Initially, I thought I'd feel comfort. But then I realized I'd probably feel sick since I never eat that kind of food. And I would definitely feel guilty. I wondered if I ate that for dinner whether I'd be able to forgive myself.


Yes, there is good news. I pulled out of line and headed home. I still needed to eat something comforting, so I made a Kashi pizza. It's possible I'm going to eat the whole thing tonight, but at least the ingredients are good for me.

So the past couple of days I feel like I've been fighting a losing battle. I hope tonight's decision, though, means I'm winning the war.

Minor meltdown

I don't know what happened. I started the day off so well. When I posted this morning, I was feeling good about myself and the progress I've been making. I enjoyed a slight splurge this afternoon when I ate a cookie and a few Hershey's chocolate kisses. But that shouldn't have been a big deal. Nothing I couldn't burn off by walking a few miles.

When I got home from work, I headed out -- determined to complete three miles. That's my minimum walking distance most days. Shortly after completely the first mile, I was feeling a little light-headed. I figured it would pass, so I kept going. By the time I'd finished three laps around my neighborhood, which equals 1.8 miles, I couldn't go any farther.

I decided to quit and have a snack, thinking that the light-headedness might mean I needed to eat. I had a serving of Kashi crackers dipped in lowfat bruschetta. OK, that wasn't so bad. I certainly could have made worse choices. Feeling better, I headed back outside to finish the three miles. I did it, but it was a struggle.

My legs hurt. My back hurt. Even my head had started to hurt.

When I got done, I was starving ... still. Now, I'm ashamed to admit what I ate, but I'm going to because I think it's important to be honest. I had leftover steak ... about two servings worth. Then, I stuffed myself with about a third of a bag of baked potato chips.

I've seriously been thinking about what might have caused this food meltdown. I haven't really come up with an answer. Maybe the sugar from earlier in the day is the culprit. All I know is that something caused my to want to just eat and eat and eat. I'm feeling a little more relaxed about it now, but the night's not over. I can't be sure I want eat something else.

All that said, I'm going to try not to be too hard on myself. Obviously, I should look on the bright side ... I did walk three miles today and I could have eaten much worse. If I was going to binge, Kashi crackers, steak and baked chips were probably a good choice.

Confidence is building

I did an unofficial weigh-in this morning and the result was better than expected. The scale says I've lost a pound since last week. That would be fabulous given that there was some splurging over the weekend when I was visiting my family. I tried not to over do it and I've kept up with my walking -- 11 miles since Saturday.

If I don't blow it between now and Friday morning, I will be at my lowest weight since I started this journey. That's an amazing feeling, especially given the hurdles in the past six months.

My confidence also is growing because I've bought new clothes. I'm wearing a new dress and shoes for the second day in a row. I feel a little self-conscious in dresses and skirts, but I do seem to be hooked on them. Deciding to wear them is part of the mental journey. It's about realizing how much better I look now and how much better I feel about myself.

So, for the first time in months, I feel the tide turning. All signs are that I'm headed in the right direction again.

Weekly weigh-in: A day early

This week's weight: 189.2
Last week's weight: 189.2
Difference: 0
Total weight lost: 82.6

I'm headed out of town this afternoon and, for once, I'm not taking the scale with me. So I weighed in a day early. As I've been saying all week, I knew I couldn't expect to lose this week. There was too much splurging. I'm just happy I didn't gain. Staying the same this week feels like a success. And I'm happy that I met my goal of walking at least 15 miles (15.4 to be exact) this week.

My goal while I'm visiting my family this weekend is to make smart choices. I know I'll eat and drink a few thinks beyond the norm, but I think that's OK as long as I don't go overboard. Plus, my mom's cooking things that are good for me or we've agreed to eat out at places where I won't go crazy. And I've bringing my tennis shoes and workout clothes in hopes of keeping up with my walking.

All-in-all it's been a good week. I've been to two parties and celebrated my birthday without gaining weight. I can live with not losing.

Fessing up

This week's weigh-in probably isn't going to go well. Today is my birthday and I rationalized several splurges because of it. They included pizza, chocolate, bang bang shrimp, salmon in a butter sauce and two blueberry martinis. All were worth it. I have a tinge of guilt, but mostly I feel happy about how my birthday turned out.

The day started with lots of birthday wishes from friends far and near and ended with a lovely dinner with a friend. The blueberry martinis at Bonefish Grill are now my second favorite fruity drink. (My first favorite is the lychee martini at Indochine.)

Anyway, today's splurges coupled with the wine and beer from two parties this past weekend will probably have a negative effect on the scale. But I think that's OK. I've walked more than 15 miles this week and I've eaten well otherwise.

Life is about balance. And I finally feel like I'm achieving that again. It's OK to celebrate on my birthday. I just can't do it every day. I also want to be honest with myself about what I'm eating and drinking and why. For example, the pizza at lunch was more about using food as comfort because it was my birthday. That was a poor choice. The martinis were about celebrating my birthday and having fun on my birthday. That was a good choice.

As I move forward, I know that if I'm going to achieve my goals, I have to deal with the emotional connection I have to food. I don't really know how to do that, but I'll keep trying. And it's been a good birthday, so that makes me happy.

Building momentum, I think

The obsession I had for walking last summer seems to be taking hold once again. It's starting to feel like one of those things I just have to do. On days when I don't walk, I actually feel depressed. So I guess it's good that I've walked for three days straight -- 5 miles Saturday, 5 miles Sunday and 3 miles today.

I'm suffering from a few aches and pains, though. The muscles in my back are hurting. That hasn't happened before, so I don't know if I should be worried. I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong or different. Any thoughts? The good part is that after I walk, I'm exhausted ... but in a good way. The sense of accomplishment is amazing. And I just feel better.

As you know, I decided yesterday that I was going to do something every day this week (because my birthday is Wednesday) to make myself happy. Today, I used my favorite bath gel and lotion after my walk. I know that sounds like a small thing, but I have a very limited quantity of both left because Origins stopped making it about a year ago. I hardly ever use it anymore because I'm saving it for special occasions. Today, even though no one else will even smell it, I decided I was worth it. I used it just for me.

Finally, the eating is going well. A few little splurges here and there, but nothing crazy. I might have had a little too much wine and beer over the weekend, but I'm hoping the walking will make up for that. I feel like I've been building momentum the past three weeks. I'm finally seeing food and exercise in the way I used to a year ago. I just hope it pays off on the scale.

Happy birthday to me

I'll be celebrating my 38th birthday on Wednesday, so naturally that got me thinking about the past year. I spent my birthday last year at work because it was election night. At the time, I'd lost just 30 pounds. Now I'm up to almost 83 pounds lost. Wow. That's an amazing feeling.

And I'm so happy that my renewed commitment to losing weight seems to be taking hold. Three weeks and counting. I've been making much better food choices and walking. Two laps around The Loop at Wrightsville Beach yesterday and today. The second laps is a struggle, but I'm always proud when I do it.

The effort I've been putting in lately has me feeling pretty good -- better than I have in quite some time. So I've decided to celebrate my birthday "week" by doing something that makes me happy every day.

I'm starting today with cooking. I'm making myself brunch -- cheese omelet, sweet potato pancake (frozen, but yummy) and fresh fruit. Then, I'm making two new dishes so I'll have something healthy but tasty for lunch and dinner all week. One is chicken breast stuffed with proscuitto and cheese and the other is chicken, rice, carrots, celery and mushrooms in the crockpot. The hardest part will be deciding which one to eat for dinner tonight.