A mish-mash of emotions

I woke up this morning in a really bad mood. No real reason that I can think of. I'm just grumpy. So, as usual, I started analyzing what could be causing me to feel this way. Sugar!!! That seems to be my favorite subject lately. I think that's because I'm finally understanding how it affects me physically and mentally. Sure, it tastes great, but I always end up feeling terrible after eating something sweet.

And, of course, today I'm craving sugar. It's like a drug. One taste and I just want more. But what am I supposed to do? How can I give it up completely? Plus, I know that I can eat anything I want as long as I don't do it often and I don't eat too much. Sometimes, though, it seems like it might be easier to simply decide that I won't eat anything with sugar. I can be pretty stubborn and regimented when I make up my mind about something. I haven't decided what to do. I'm just thinking about it.

The other thing that has me feeling a bit down are a couple of comments made to me this week. I know I spend a lot of time talking about what I'm eating and whether it's good for me. I also tend to express my concern when I splurge. Yet, I are cake twice this week anyway.

The comments were from people trying to help, I think, but they the result was that I felt bad about myself. Basically, when I was talking about splurging and not walking as much because of the heat, one person told me that I would just have to get up early in the mornings and walk. The other person told me that I really should be me careful over the next week about what I eat because I'm about to go on vacation.

Neither person meant to make me feel bad, but they did. And I obviously can't stop thinking about what they said. It's like they think it would be awful for me to gain a couple of pounds or to not continue losing weight. I don't fault these people for what they said. After all, how are they supposed to respond? I talk about my weight a lot. I'm sure they're just trying to be part of the conversation. But it isn't helping my self-esteem.

Speaking of self-esteem, I'm still struggling to see myself as I am now. But I'm making progress. Some days, I look in the mirror and I can see how my body has changed. And my clothes size continues to get smaller. My brain understands that losing more than 85 pounds means I've changed a lot. Most days, I don't see it, though. I see the same person I've seen since I was a teenager.

I had a bit of a moment this past week, though, when I saw a picture taken on Monday. I was surprised to see how much smaller I looked. I've actually looked at the photo several times this week trying to figure out if I really look that way in real life. I know that sounds crazy. For a brief moment, my confidence was boosted. It hasn't lasted, but I think it's a good sign.

So I don't know what the rest of this day will bring. I can only hope that the depression I'm feeling this morning subsides quickly. Well, and I hope I can keep my eating under control.