A big mistake

I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't stop myself.

I actually got in the car this afternoon, drove to Food Lion and bought a bag of Cheez Doodles. I've been thinking about them for a couple of weeks. I kept trying to resist them, but I just snapped today. I actually opened them in the car on the drive back home and ended up eating half the bag.

I feel a little sick now. I guess I deserve that.

And I'm really unhappy with myself. With all my talk about refocusing, I feel like a failure for giving in. It's not even that I splurged on something I haven't eaten in more than a year and a half. It's why I did it that bothers me.

For as long as I can remember, I've used food as comfort. Pasta, pizza, chips ... you get the picture. I used to eat lots of those things. I would just gorge. And that's how I ended up weighing more than 271 pounds. What scares me is that I ate the Cheez Doodles today and I don't feel any better, which makes me want to eat something else bad for me.

I know. I don't really want to do that. I also know that beating myself up isn't the answer. I've tried not to be too hard on myself when I indulge because it's usually with a clear purpose and I made a choice to splurge knowing the consequences.

Today feels different. I seriously considered not blogging about it (still not entirely sure I'm going to hit publish as I type right now) because I didn't want anyone to know what I had done. I'm ashamed that I couldn't stop myself from binging.

I wish I knew why those foods are so much more appealing than the stuff that's good for me. It was so easy that I'm scared to death I'll slip right back into my old habits. Sometimes, I get so tired of having to be so vigilant. But see what happens when I let my guard down.