Regrouping and refocusing

I woke up this morning feeling pretty sorry for myself. I couldn't seem to stop thinking about my poor eating habits while on vacation and my lack of exercise in the past two months. For a few days, I've even been dwelling on how fat I am.

I've never used the word fat out loud (or in writing) to describe myself. Of course, I've felt that way for many years and called myself fat in my head many times.Since I started this weight loss journey, though, I've tried to be positive and to see how much I've changed in the past year and a half.

But I'm struggling to see the difference. I saw a photo of me from this past weekend and all I see is the same person I've been since I was a teenager. I know that's irrational. I've lost about 85 pounds. How could I not look any different?

Obviously, I'm still having trouble with the psychological part of losing so much weight. Plus, I've barely lost any weight in the past six months. I seem to go up a couple of pounds, then lose a couple of pounds. My goal is to lose 35 more pounds. I started this year giving myself the whole year to lose 40 pounds. Six months in and I've lost only 5 pounds. That's depressing.

So I'm starting to wonder if this is what the rest of my life will be like. Lose a little, gain a little. But then I started thinking about how I've gained four pounds in the week that I've been on vacation. (It hasn't really been a vacation because I spent part of the time dealing with my dad's estate.) If I gained four pounds a week, I'd be back to where I started by the end of the year.

That's unacceptable. I can't go back. I've worked too hard to change my life to let that happen. But how do I stop it? There was a time when I thought I could stay right where I am -- between 180 and 190 pounds -- and be happy with what I've accomplished. That's not true. I said that only because I felt like I was failing to reach my ultimate goal of 150 to 155 pounds.

Instead of thinking about how to stop the backsliding, I'm regrouping and refocusing on what will help me achieve my goal. I started with a walk this morning. Only 1.8 miles, but considering my legs were burning and my breathing was heavy after a quarter of a mile, I think that's a good start. Exercising when it's hot outside is really tough for me, but I also know that it makes me feel better. So I'm going to do it.

The next step is to refocus on what I'm eating. The main thing I've learned about losing weight is that what you eat and how much are the most important factors to losing weight. I've said it before but my greatest success came when I kept track of every piece of food I put in my mouth. It's time to start doing that again. No cheating and no fudging the numbers.

Tomorrow's weigh-in is likely to be painful, but the truth hurts. I will have to pay for the cheeseburger, beer, wine, ice cream, potato chips, Chinese food, macaroni and cheese and fried chicken nuggets. I'm prepared for whatever the scale says. All I can do now is look forward and start over.