Constant vigilance

Since I started this journey in January 2010, I don't think I've had a single day where I ate whatever I wanted. Even when I splurge, it's measured and calculated. I tell myself that I'll just eat a little bit. Or a few bites won't hurt.

Well, that's not exactly true. The more I eat unhealthy foods, the more I want. I really believe that to be true. Limiting sugar this past week was difficult, but worth it. I felt so much better all week, and, of course, I lost weight.

But keeping it up requires constant vigilance. For example, I let my guard down Saturday and had gelato for lunch. It was so creamy and yummy. But I regretted it immediately. I felt guilty for eating it, but then I also felt bad from the effects of the sugar. And maybe it was psychological, but all I wanted to do after eating it was eat more. I ended up making a chocolate milkshake after dinner. (I did use lowfat ice cream, but still ...)

Some days, sticking with my new way of eating feels like so much work. In the grocery store yesterday, I almost bought a box of Kraft macaroni and cheese. Seriously. I have to admit that I actually looked at all of the mac and cheese selections for about 30 seconds. I moved on, but I hate that I was even tempted.

What bothers me is how much I have to think about what I'm eating. I've said it before. If I plan, I stay on track. So that's what I'm doing now. Planning for today and the rest of the week when all I can think about is how I'd like to have pancakes and bacon for breakfast.

Weekly weigh-in: I know what it takes

Last week's weight: 187.2
This week's weight: 185.8
Difference: -1.4
Total weight lost since January 2010: 86

It was a good week. It seems that my resolve to eat better and exercise more paid off. But it was a difficult week. I didn't feel hungry, but I wanted to eat so much more. I really had to fight the urge to snack. Cutting back severely on sugar also wasn't easy. And the exercise part ... well, let's just say that my legs hurt, my ankles hurt, my feet hurt. But I jogged/walked five days in a row and I followed the Couch to 5K plan.

Enough with the complaining. I'm thrilled I lost weight. I feel really good mentally and physically. And I kept up my end of the bargain (jogging this morning) so I can keep the new shoes I bought yesterday. I guess the bribe worked.

Now I just have to do it for another week. At least I now know what it takes to be successful again.

Bribing myself

I'm undecided about whether I did the right thing, but it did stop me from eating this afternoon. We were having a farewell celebration in the newsroom for our interns, so we had cake and pizza. I'd been dreading this afternoon all week.

Pizza!!!! I've been craving it for weeks. I felt fairly certain I could pass up the cake. It's never been one of my favorite foods. But I knew I couldn't resist the pizza. So I planned ahead. I ate light for lunch and convinced myself in advance that I would not eat more than two pieces.

I was so tempted to go back for more. And the chocolate cake almost got the better of me. But I stuck to my plan. When I left work, instead of going home where I'd be tempted to eat more, I headed to the mall. I figured I deserved a reward. I finally bought new shoes.

Although they were on sale, I had no business spending money on them. So I decided the only way I can keep them is if I get up early tomorrow morning and follow my Couch to 5K program. I've been on track all week with my eating and exercise. I don't want to blow it now. I figure if bribing myself with new shoes works, it's totally worth it.

Idle hands

It's day three of my attempt to significantly limit how much sugar I eat and I'm feeling a bit jittery this afternoon. It's too early for dinner, but I'm tempted to have a snack. Something chocolate.

I'm hoping by blogging about it, I'll be able to resist temptation. I've noticed these past three days that sticking to my new eating plan is much easier when I stay busy. Luckily, I've had plenty to do at work. Lots of meetings and other work.

When I get home, though, it gets harder. I'm tired (probably the sugar withdrawal), so I plop down on the couch and flip on the TV. Then I start thinking about food.

I made it through Monday and Tuesday night because I had leftovers for dinner and I went to bed early. I still had snacks at night, but waiting until after I'd gone to bed helped me limit what I ate. Today is a different story. Nothing planned for dinner.

I've got chicken thawing but I still don't even know how I'm going to prepare it or what I'm going to have with it. I want pasta. A small serving would keep me well within my Weight Watchers points allotment, but I'm worried that a small amount will just make me want more.

So I've got mushrooms, peas, brussels sprouts, black-eyed peas and corn. Hmmm ... none of that sounds very appealing with the chicken. I've also got eggs and cheese and frozen sweet potato pancakes. Would it be completely strange to make an omelet with the eggs, mushrooms and cheese and then have chicken on the side? Or maybe I could throw the chicken and peas in with the eggs, cheese and mushrooms and make a frittata. That could be OK.

Yes, I know I was just thinking outloud. I needed to talk myself through it. I feel better. I have a plan. Frittata it is. Plus, it will take time to get everything prepared, which should keep me busy and stop me from eating before dinner gets ready.

It's working!

I don't want to get too excited because it is only day two. But my attempts to cut back severely on sugar seem to be working. I felt great yesterday and managed to eat very little sugar, except for fruit. The same is true so far today.

And, the best news, the scale is cooperating again. I know it's early in the week and things could change before Friday's weigh-in. But I like what I see so far. I just need to stick with it.

Honestly, though, I don't feel nearly as hungry as I did. A few days ago, I would have been starving by this time of day and barely able to wait until dinner. I'm hungry right now, but I'm not in a rush to fix dinner. And I simply feel good.

Also, tomorrow will be my second day on the Couch to 5K program. I'm actually feeling kind of excited about giving it another try in the morning. I hope I feel that way when the alarm goes off at 5:30 a.m.

Sugar withdrawal

I've talked before about the negative effects of sugar. Eating it makes me hyper and not eating it makes me jittery. Although I have no scientific research to back me, I also think eating sugar makes me hungrier.

I believe one of the reasons I was so successful in the beginning of my journey is that I seriously cut back on sugar. Before I started trying to lose weight, my diet was loaded with sugar -- soft drinks, candy, ice cream, cookies, etc. When I joined Weight Watchers in January 2010, though, I eliminated most of these.

I'd still have a treat after dinner, but that usually consisted of a Weight Watchers popsicle or ice cream sandwich. Over time, I've noticed that I've gradually introduced sugar back into my diet. I eat lowfat ice cream and frozen yogurt with sugar. I eat the 100 calorie snacks (mostly cookies) with sugar. I've even been eating cereal with sugar. With all of these foods, I've tried to eat healthy amounts and stay within my Weight Watchers points allotment.

But the sugar just isn't good for me. The more I eat of it, the more I want. It's truly addictive.

So I've renewed my effort to cut back. I don't think I can eliminate sugar entirely because it's in everything. Well, it seems that way. Today, for example, I switched to plain oatmeal for breakfast. Blah! I had to add a little Splenda just so I could eat it.

The good news is that I noticed I didn't need a snack before lunch, which had become routine. The bad news is that my Lean Cuisine I brought for lunch had sugar listed as one of the ingredients. I ate it anyway. Then, for dinner tonight, I had leftover barbecue chicken. Well, the barbecue had sugar (but not high fructose corn syrup). And my frozen brussels sprouts had sugar. I think these were minor amounts, certainly compared to what I have been eating.

Plus, I am still eating fruit. I know it has sugar, but it's natural and doesn't seem to have the same effect on me as sweets. I think it's the processed sugar that's the problem. So for snacks today I've had fresh cherries, a banana and two rice cakes.

Usually at this time of night is when I really want to munch on something. But I actually still feel full from dinner. I'm a little jittery from cutting back on the sugar today, but I feel good. Unless you've experienced ups and downs in your blood sugar, it's hard for me to explain.

I think that if I could string a couple of days together like this one, I would feel amazing. The key is going to be getting through the next three hours without giving in to my sugar cravings, which are sure to come. But I'm already plotting what I will eat for a snack later this evening ... maybe a nonfat smoothie. The protein from the yogurt, which doesn't include sugar, but does list cane juice (which is essentially like sugar but not processed), should satisfy me.

If you have any suggestions for sugar-free snacks, please pass them along. BTW, I'm trying to avoid artificial sweeteners. I use one Splenda in my coffee and a half a packet in a cup of hot tea at night. Oh, and I bought frozen (unsweetened) fruit to mix with my oatmeal tomorrow so I wouldn't need to add Splenda to that again.

Couch to 5K training has begun

When the alarm went off this morning, I must have really been asleep. At first, I didn't even realize what time it was or what day it was. A few minutes later, I realized I was supposed to be getting up to start my Couch to 5K training.

I was tempted to delay it, but then I got on the scale and noticed that I gained two pounds over the weekend. Really? Ugh! So I headed outside. Immediately, I felt the hot sticky air and saw lots of dark clouds. After hardly a drop of rain in weeks, was it really going to be raining this morning?

But I was determined. I walked for five minutes as the program says I should. Then I was supposed to jog for 60 seconds and walk for 90 seconds -- for a total of 20 minutes. I didn't have a timer, so I jogged for 60 steps, then walked for 90 steps. After 10 minutes, I felt sprinkles. Luckily, I was close to home. It drizzled for about 5 minutes and stopped. So I headed back outside. I continued the jogging/walking for 10 more minutes. Then I walked a cool-down lap around my neighborhood. It started to drizzle again just as I was finishing but I was so sweaty and hot that it actually felt nice.

On one hand, it was harder than I expected. But on the other hand, it wasn't as bad as I had made it out to be in my mind. Physically, I can tell that the jogging worked muscles I'm not used to working. My legs are a little sore, but they don't hurt. It was easier because I worried that I wouldn't even be able to get through the first day. (I'm sure the short break in the middle helped.)

So the plan calls for doing this three times a week with a day break in between. My plan is to do it Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Is it OK to still walk my usual laps on Tuesdays and Thursdays? I don't see why it would hurt. I know I don't want to overdo it, but I find that I really enjoy the walking before work and I want to keep it up as much as possible.

What are my dreams telling me?

I may have said this before but analyzing my dreams really doesn't take much effort. I slept terrible last night and had four different dreams. The odd part is that I remembered them all when I first woke up. I don't remember all the details now, but there was a theme -- something I'm doing wrong at work.

It really doesn't take a rocket scientist (or a psychologist) to figure out why I dreamed what I did last night. There was an incident at work Friday where I ended up feeling like my feelings don't count and that I had done something wrong when I felt like I had actually done the right thing.

As usual, the details don't really matter. What's important to me is that I need to find a way to let go of the stress this situation has caused because I know that lack of sleep and stress make me weak when it comes to maintaining good eating habits. Already, I binged on chocolate-covered almonds last night. I don't think I did too much damage, but I can't afford to let it happen again.

I write a lot about staying positive and not letting the little setbacks become huge stumbling blocks. But it's not that easy when I don't see progress on the scale and then I face professional obstacles as well. I just end up feeling like I can't do anything right, which I know isn't true. But I can't help how I feel.

Weekly weigh-in: Paying the price for poor decisions

This week's weight: 187.2
Last week's weight: 186.4
Difference: +0.8
Total weight lost since January 2010: 84.6

If you read yesterday's post, you know I was prepared for what I saw on the scale this morning. In some respects, I did really well this week. I walked/jogged three days and I generally felt good about my progress. But, in hindsight, I know I didn't always eat/drink the right things. And I'm certain that three specific splurges led to the gain. I knew I was choosing the wrong path, but I did it anyway. I was pretty unhappy with myself yesterday, but I feel better about it today. Overall, I had a good week. I felt good and I felt like I was enjoying my life. So I gained a little. I'll lose it this week. It's always going to be a constant battle.

What happened?

I felt so good earlier this week. I walked/jogged before work Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. And, despite a couple of splurges, I'd been eating well. The scale wasn't exactly cooperating, but I felt good and was in such a good mood.

I crumbled today. I didn't get up to walk before work today because my head was hurting when I woke up. So I just laid in the bed. By the time I got to work, though, I felt better and wasn't letting it bother me too much. Then lunchtime rolled around. I couldn't make myself eat the frozen dinner I had brought. Instead, I got Chinese with a colleague.

The scale when I got home told me quickly that I didn't make the right decision. Tomorrow morning's weigh-in will likely not go well. The number I just saw on the scale (189 pounds) is the highest I've seen in weeks. I'm gonna drink lots of water tonight and really try to go light on dinner. But it probably won't be enough to make a difference at this point.

I'm really disappointed in myself. I feel like there was no good reason for me to slip. I just didn't have the will power to see it through today. And I really needed a good day because of the splurges earlier in the week. It's just so frustrating.

Ready to run?

A year ago, when I first started incorporating physical activity (mostly walking) into my weight-loss journey, I blogged about wanting to be a runner. I tried jogging a little last summer, but I never managed to make a habit of it. Then, I barely even walked for months.

Now that I'm back to walking most days, I decided it was time to think about running again. I actually jogged a bit during this morning's outing. I didn't keep track, so I can't be sure, but I think I jogged about a half mile. My total outing was 1.8 miles.

Of course, that got me to thinking about my desire to run a 5K. It's one of the things on my list to do before I'm 40. (I'm 38 now.) I looked up the Couch-to-5K Training Plan, which I know has worked for a lot of people. My goal now is to continue with my walking/jogging this week and to start that training plan next week.

Seeing it in print is a little overwhelming. Week one, I have to jog for 60 seconds then walk for 90 seconds for a total of 20 minutes. I honestly don't know if I can jog for 60 seconds right now. Maybe by next week, though.

Plus, it can't hurt to try. Just the little bit of jogging I did this morning worked different muscles. And I really like the way I feel when I include exercise in my routine. I've long said that part of my goal is to get fit, not just to lose weight.

Recipe: Garlic chicken with broccoli and mushrooms

Ingredients

1/2 pound boneless chicken breast
2 cups broccoli (I used frozen, but you could also use fresh.)
1 package pre-sliced mushrooms
2 tsp. olive oil
1 tbsp. low-sodium soy sauce
1 tbsp. chopped garlic
1 1/2 cups low-sodium chicken broth
1 1/2 tbsp. cornstarch
Salt, pepper to taste
A drizzle of sesame oil (optional)
5 oz. organic ramen noodles (I found these at World Market, but you could use 2 cups of cooked brown rice instead.)

Cut chicken into bite-sized pieces and place in a resealable bag with soy sauce and garlic. Marinate in the refrigerator for at least an hour. (I let mine marinate for six hours.) Heat olive oil in a non-stick skillet. Add mushrooms and cook until tender. Add chicken and cook until browned on the outside. Add broccoli and 1 cup of chicken broth.Cook until broccoli is tender and chicken is cooked through. Stir cornstarch into remaining chicken broth and add to skillet. Bring to a bubble, stirring constantly. Cook until desired consistency. Drizzle with sesame oil (use just a little bit). Meanwhile, cook noodles according to package directions. Put cooked noodles on a large plate and pour chicken mixture on top. Makes four servings.

A new attitude

It's been one week since I decided I couldn't continue down the path I was on. And I honestly don't remember the last time I felt this good physically and mentally.

I haven't been perfect in my eating (I had a big splurge at dinner last night), but I've done better. And I've tried not to let a slip here and there get me down. Instead, I just start over the next day. That's exactly what I'm doing today.

I've already planned what I'm going to eat today and I'm working on the rest of the week. Having a plan really helps. If I know I'm going to get a snack in 30 minutes, I can usually wait and won't be tempted to just grab something off the counter.

The best part about this past week, though, has been how I feel mentally. My attitude has been much better and I haven't let little things stress me out. For months, I've felt like there was some sort of weight on my shoulders. It even goes back to before my dad passed away. I've written before about the rational versus irrational parts of my brain. The rational part seems completely in control these days and I'm thankful for that.

I keep thinking about how good I felt this time last summer. I had just started walking as part of my weight loss effort. I think the activity really helped with my mood. I started back this week and I feel better. But I also know that eating bad foods also doesn't help. So I don't know why I do it.

Anyway, I'm happy today because even though I may not be entirely on track, my attitude is better, which means my eating will get there.

Weekly weigh-in: Gonna try not to let it get me down

Last week's weight: 187
This week's weight: 186.4
Difference: -0.6
Total weight lost since January 2010: 85.4

As you know if you've been reading this week, it's been a roller-coaster ride. Last week, I truly hit rock bottom. I thought I had before. But Saturday was it. After scarfing down nearly an entire bag of Cheez Doodles that day, I was panicked about whether I could move forward. The voice in my head kept saying, "Why are you even bothering to try?"

Luckily, I rebounded quickly. By Sunday, I had a new attitude. I walked five days in a row and stayed on track with my points every day but Thursday. I had to see a better result on the scale, but I also know that I'm glad to have lost. I know that if I could just string together a few good weeks, I'd see the changes I want to see.

I'm still holding onto my goal of getting to 100 pounds lost by Oct. 1. It seems impossible right now. But I don't want to give up. And I don't want to let setbacks get me down. It doesn't matter what the scale said this morning. I've felt better this week than I have in a long time. That's evidence enough that I have to keep trying even when I fail from time to time.

Effort counts

"Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it." - Bill Cosby

A friend of mine posted this quote on facebook a little bit ago and at first it didn't hit me. After about five minutes, though, I found myself thinking about it. This could be the motto for my life during the past year and a half.

When I first decided to try losing weight, I was scared. Mostly of failure and public humiliation. What if I told people I was going to lose weight and then I didn't do it? Those who know me best know that when I say I'm going to do something, I do it. I think you call that reliable and dependable. Sure enough, as soon as I committed to losing weight, I did it.

Then, when I decided to add exercise to my routine, I was scared. With my first visit to The Loop at Wrightsville Beach (almost exactly a year ago), my heart was pounding before I even started walking. What if I couldn't do it? What if I had to stop along the way? I did have to stop and rest and nothing bad happened. Eventually, I made it all the way around.

Then, as the holidays came and went and I noticed that my eating habits were headed in the wrong direction, I got scared. As the months dragged on, I really did nothing to change my habits. In fact, they got worse. Three days ago, however, I made up my mind to change. If I'm afraid of ending up back at 271.8 pounds, why aren't I doing something about it?

I know it sounds strange to think that I'm afraid of losing weight. I am afraid I won't be able to maintain what I've achieved. But I want these changes to be permanent and I want to feel as good as I do right now.

The scale hasn't budged in the past three days, but I feel great. I've told several people that walking each morning before work has really improved my mood and outlook on the day. Mentally, I feel clearer. And, of course, I'm managing stress much better. Those things are helping me make better food choices. I went over slightly yesterday, but Sunday I was right on target and so far today I'm under my Weight Watchers points allotment.

I want to be successful in this journey far more than I'm afraid of what it will take to achieve that success. In action is fear. I will not fail because I did nothing. At least I'm trying.

A new day. A new obstacle.

I went to bed last night feeling much better about myself. I had managed my eating well and I walked The Loop for the first time in two months. I felt so good that I decided to set my alarm to go off an hour early so I could walk laps around my neighborhood before work this morning.

Well, I woke up about 15 minutes before the alarm was supposed to even go off. Then, I had what I consider to be a make or break moment. My body didn't want to get out of bed and my pillow felt so soft and comfy under my head. I curled up tightly under the covers.

But then my brain went crazy. Seriously, it was almost like someone was in my head yelling at me. Suddenly, I knew that the decision I made this morning would determine whether I've truly changed my lifestyle and whether I would easily fall back into old habits.

Less than five minutes later, I was in my workout clothes and out the door. The cool air was refreshing and I feel energized and clear-headed now. I feel ready to tackle today (which by the way is my first day back at work after 10 days off).

I did it ... sort of

I started the day by making a plan for what I was going to eat today and when I was going to eat it. After yesterday's disaster, I knew I had to do something. Well, I didn't exactly stick to the plan, but I am ending the day with two Weight Watchers points left, which means I can still have a popsicle for dessert.

The key is that I ate lots of healthy foods and didn't overindulge. I even managed to have two homemade watermelon martinis. I used 3 ounces of vodka and lots of watermelon and ice. Having those martinis felt like a real treat and a splurge. Sure, I had to give up my afternoon snack but it was definitely worth it.

There was one point this afternoon when I thought I might get off track and even now I'm thinking about just going to bed so I won't be tempted to eat something else. Forcing myself to keep track of everything I eat and drink makes a difference but it also makes me anxious. What if I get hungry once I've used all of daily points?

I guess I just hope that doesn't happen. Now all I have to do is keep up my guard for the rest of the week. If I can, I know I will see a difference on the scale come Friday.

I have a plan

As expected, I woke up this morning feeling awful and completely regretting yesterday's binge. First thing I did, though, was throw the bag of Cheez Doodles (not that there were many left) in the trash. Then, I set out to make a plan for what I'm going to eat today. When I look at it, it seems like a lot of food. There are plenty of snacks since it's a Sunday and I'll be sitting around at home a lot today. (That's usually when I'm tempted to snack.) I'm also going to start the day with a walk around my neighbor, but I needed a cup of coffee first. Here's what I plan to eat today, including the number of Weight Watchers plus points for each.

BREAKFAST (9 a.m.)
One serving of leftover egg white, canadian bacon and hash brown casserole (4 points)
Banana (0 points)

SNACK (11 a.m.)
Cucumber slices (0 points)
Weight Watchers string cheese (1 point)
Apple or peach (0 points)

LUNCH (1 p.m.)
1 can Progresso Light Chicken Noodle Soup (4 points)

SNACK (3 p.m.)
1 single-serve container Greek yogurt (3 points)
1 pouch 100 calorie Nabisco chocolate-covered pretzels
 (3 points)

DINNER (6 p.m.)
2 homemade chicken fajitas (5 points)

SNACK (8 p.m.)
94% fat-free popcorn, single-serve bag (3 points)
Weight Watchers dark chocolate raspberry popsicle (2 points)

That's a total of 25 points and I get 29 a day, which means I could turn my yogurt into a milkshake by adding a little lowfat ice cream and skim milk. Or I could add a side of corn to dinner. This looks like a good plan and one I can live with.

A message from my dad

I suppose it's only natural that when a loved one passes, you find yourself thinking about the person at odd times. This happened to me today.

For almost two months, I've pretty much been living out of a suitcase. In early May, I made a trip to Richmond to celebrate my birthday with my family. Then, just a few weeks later, my dad passed away. I had never unpacked everything from before.

Anyway, two more trips to Richmond later and I finally decided to unpack this afternoon. In one of the zipper pockets, I found the birthday cards from my family. Of course, seeing the one from my dad was a little emotional.

But it's also inspirational. The message inside says: "Nothing could have prepared me for the joy of seeing you come into your own. From the beginning, you had a quiet strength and determined spirit about you. But seeing those qualities revealed fully in the beautiful woman you've become is more rewarding than I could have ever imagined. You're everything a parent could hope for in a daughter. How lucky I am to call you mine."

It's been a difficult day, with my emotions all over the place. But strength and determination are definitely characteristics I embody. And I think seeing my dad's card today is just what I needed to remind me how far I've come and that I am strong enough and determined enough to achieve my goals.

A big mistake

I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't stop myself.

I actually got in the car this afternoon, drove to Food Lion and bought a bag of Cheez Doodles. I've been thinking about them for a couple of weeks. I kept trying to resist them, but I just snapped today. I actually opened them in the car on the drive back home and ended up eating half the bag.

I feel a little sick now. I guess I deserve that.

And I'm really unhappy with myself. With all my talk about refocusing, I feel like a failure for giving in. It's not even that I splurged on something I haven't eaten in more than a year and a half. It's why I did it that bothers me.

For as long as I can remember, I've used food as comfort. Pasta, pizza, chips ... you get the picture. I used to eat lots of those things. I would just gorge. And that's how I ended up weighing more than 271 pounds. What scares me is that I ate the Cheez Doodles today and I don't feel any better, which makes me want to eat something else bad for me.

I know. I don't really want to do that. I also know that beating myself up isn't the answer. I've tried not to be too hard on myself when I indulge because it's usually with a clear purpose and I made a choice to splurge knowing the consequences.

Today feels different. I seriously considered not blogging about it (still not entirely sure I'm going to hit publish as I type right now) because I didn't want anyone to know what I had done. I'm ashamed that I couldn't stop myself from binging.

I wish I knew why those foods are so much more appealing than the stuff that's good for me. It was so easy that I'm scared to death I'll slip right back into my old habits. Sometimes, I get so tired of having to be so vigilant. But see what happens when I let my guard down.

Recipe: Breakfast casserole

Ingredients
2 cups shredded frozen hash browns
6 slices canadian bacon, diced
2 cups Egg Beaters egg whites
1/3 cup shredded parmesan cheese
Salt, pepper and other spices to taste (I have a blend of garlic, onion, parsley, etc. that I used.)
NOTE: You could also add veggies such as mushrooms, red/green peppers, onions, etc.

Coat a casserole dish with cooking spray. Add potatoes and canadian bacon. Bake at 400 degrees until potatoes are tender. Add seasonings and eggs. Top with cheese. Bake uncovered at 325 degrees until eggs are done in the middle. Makes six servings.

Weekly weigh-in: I told you so

Last week's weight: 184.6
This week's weight: 187
Difference: +2.4
Total weight lost since January 2010: 84.8

I knew today's result wasn't going to be good. The indulgences over the past week were too many. You can't eat the way I did and not gain weight. Or at least I can't. The good news is that rededicating myself to better eating habits worked yesterday.

Aside from a case of the munchies last night (and I satisfied it with a handful of pretzel sticks), I did extremely well yesterday. For most of the day, I didn't feel hungry or deprived. I even had a lowfat banana and chocolate milkshake after dinner. But I did go over my daily Weight Watchers points allotment by four points. That's not so bad for the first day of trying to get back on track and considering I had a terrible migraine, which made it really difficult for me to focus on anything else.

If I can string enough good days together, I will lose weight again.

Migraine madness

Those who know me personally or are friends with me on Facebook already know that I suffer from migraines. I've had them for years and the severity and frequency vary.

A few years ago, I seemed to be having them five or six times a month and for days at a time. That's when I started doing some research and I changed my eating habits. I virtually cut out MSG and only ate chocolate in small amounts. The headaches got a lot better -- occurring maybe once a month or less. The severity also improved.

About two years ago, I discovered Excedrin Migraine. Wow. One pill when I felt one coming on and it was almost always gone within a few hours. As long as I could cure the pain that easily and quickly, I didn't worry too much about it. A lot of people have said I should see a doctor. But I know several people who've been to doctor after doctor for migraines and they still suffer. Yes, they've seen some improvement with prescription medication, but until recently mine weren't that bad.

The past couple of months, however, the headaches are more frequent and more painful. I've always had some of the typical symptoms -- sensitivity to light and sound. Lately, I've also experienced nausea. The pain is almost always in the same spot on my forehead, but it sometimes radiates down into my neck, shoulders and back.

Today's is the worst I've had in recent months and nothing seems to be helping. I lay down and I feel sick. I sit up and every muscle in my neck and the top of my back hurts. I'm simply miserable. If you've never experienced a migraine, it's really hard to describe the feeling. But sometimes the pain is enough to make me crazy.

So, of course, me being the solution-oriented person that I am, I've been thinking today about what's causing them. No surprise ... I think it's stress. You'd think that being off from work the past week might be relaxing. But it's actually been stressful because I've traveled to Richmond and had to deal with my dad's estate. I've been trying to relax since I got back to Wilmington, but there's still stuff to do.

If the current pattern continues, I think I'll have no choice but to see a doctor. If you have any recommendations for non-prescription remedies, I'd love to hear them.

Regrouping and refocusing

I woke up this morning feeling pretty sorry for myself. I couldn't seem to stop thinking about my poor eating habits while on vacation and my lack of exercise in the past two months. For a few days, I've even been dwelling on how fat I am.

I've never used the word fat out loud (or in writing) to describe myself. Of course, I've felt that way for many years and called myself fat in my head many times.Since I started this weight loss journey, though, I've tried to be positive and to see how much I've changed in the past year and a half.

But I'm struggling to see the difference. I saw a photo of me from this past weekend and all I see is the same person I've been since I was a teenager. I know that's irrational. I've lost about 85 pounds. How could I not look any different?

Obviously, I'm still having trouble with the psychological part of losing so much weight. Plus, I've barely lost any weight in the past six months. I seem to go up a couple of pounds, then lose a couple of pounds. My goal is to lose 35 more pounds. I started this year giving myself the whole year to lose 40 pounds. Six months in and I've lost only 5 pounds. That's depressing.

So I'm starting to wonder if this is what the rest of my life will be like. Lose a little, gain a little. But then I started thinking about how I've gained four pounds in the week that I've been on vacation. (It hasn't really been a vacation because I spent part of the time dealing with my dad's estate.) If I gained four pounds a week, I'd be back to where I started by the end of the year.

That's unacceptable. I can't go back. I've worked too hard to change my life to let that happen. But how do I stop it? There was a time when I thought I could stay right where I am -- between 180 and 190 pounds -- and be happy with what I've accomplished. That's not true. I said that only because I felt like I was failing to reach my ultimate goal of 150 to 155 pounds.

Instead of thinking about how to stop the backsliding, I'm regrouping and refocusing on what will help me achieve my goal. I started with a walk this morning. Only 1.8 miles, but considering my legs were burning and my breathing was heavy after a quarter of a mile, I think that's a good start. Exercising when it's hot outside is really tough for me, but I also know that it makes me feel better. So I'm going to do it.

The next step is to refocus on what I'm eating. The main thing I've learned about losing weight is that what you eat and how much are the most important factors to losing weight. I've said it before but my greatest success came when I kept track of every piece of food I put in my mouth. It's time to start doing that again. No cheating and no fudging the numbers.

Tomorrow's weigh-in is likely to be painful, but the truth hurts. I will have to pay for the cheeseburger, beer, wine, ice cream, potato chips, Chinese food, macaroni and cheese and fried chicken nuggets. I'm prepared for whatever the scale says. All I can do now is look forward and start over.