Pulling it together

I know it's been less than two hours since I wrote that I was about to lose my mind. So you're probably going to think I'm a little bipolar at this point when I say I'm pulling it together already. Here's the thing. I've been writing for weeks about wanting to overcome a specific obsessive-compulsive behavior. Again, I'm sorry that I'm not comfortable giving details. But as I said in the beginning, I'm worried about failure.

I made it exactly three weeks without freaking out in my head. So when it happened tonight, I was caught off guard. I didn't expect it, especially since I thought I was doing so much better. What I've realized since then, though, is that the trigger that causes the obsessive-compulsive behavior really wasn't present. Maybe on a small scale, but it wasn't hitting me over the head until tonight.

Here's my point ... if I can regain my rational thinking soon (perhaps simply by writing about it), that will be progress. The last time I freaked out, it took me two days to get past it -- two days where I barely left the house or talked to anyone. The time before that, it took even longer. I figure that if my recovery time gets shorter with each episode, then I am actually doing better. Right?

So I'm taking a few deep breaths and trying to find something else to focus on. I'm not ignoring the problem, but I am trying to distract my brain. I've got to find a way to deal with it and let it go. Ideally, I'd eliminate the trigger. That's not likely, so I've got to find a way to change how my brain reacts to it.