Something's gotta give

I started the day off in a foul mood. No specific reason, but lots of little reasons. As the day went on, I couldn't shake the grumpiness. In fact, I think it got worse. As I sit here and type this, my jaw is clenched. My head hurts. There's a knot in my shoulder that's painful to touch. You get the picture.

Today's funk even has thoughts like "Why am I even doing this?" running through my head. By this, I mean continuing to try to lose weight. Actually losing the weight isn't easy, but the mental hurdles I have to overcome are so much harder.

I've come so far. Why am I struggling so much now? I know I have no one to blame but myself. I'm so unhappy about my eating habits during the past two months. Sure, I could have done a lot worse. But I definitely haven't been following the Weight Watchers plan. And the scale is showing it -- with my weight basically stalled for weeks. I did so well for the first 11 months of the year. What happened?

Now that I'm fighting so hard to regain my good habits, I really don't understand why I can't. I can't even go one whole day at this point. I stopped at the grocery store after work and bought things I never would have before. Yes, the ice cream is Weight Watchers and the pudding cups are sugar-free. But I don't normally buy either. And I've all but stopped exercising. No walking or anything else in more than a week.

I think the negative thoughts are really the result of frustration. A lot of things in my life have changed in the past year. But some things haven't. So I get mad at myself for not making the progress I want to make. I also get frustrated when I set personal goals (not weight-loss goals, but other stuff) and I don't achieve them. I had such a simple thing I was determined to do yesterday, but then I didn't. I said I'd try again today. No luck. I'm also mad at myself for letting other people affect my mood. Why do I let little things that mean nothing turn me into a pessimist?

I know I'm being too hard on myself. I want to stop beating myself up. I want to change my mindset. I want to be confident. I want to be in a good mood. I want to be happy. For those things to happen, something's gotta give. I've got to find something to focus on that makes me happy. Otherwise, why am I doing this?